[How could God let this happen?]

[4mom]

 

 

NOTE: This topic was split from the 'friends leaving' thread to prevent a hi-jacking. MBA: JR

 

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Thank you all

I really needed this website. I joined a caretaker support group once before and no one was really active in it so it is so nice to feel like someone is out there listening to me. I have my husband but I don't even think that he really understands. I try to make this as easy as possible on him. I really try not to ask to much of him. With my friends I just try not talking about it all the time cause I don't want them to get sick of it.

 

I have a burning question and it sounds like alot of you are truly connected with God. How can you accept what has happened to you or your loved one? My mother has had honestly a rough rough life. She has had many horrible things happen to her. She has suffered more before the stroke than any one person should. How do I answer her when she says why me? Why did God let this happen to her? I think in my head that he can't be that cruel. He won't let her suffer like this for the rest of her life. They say that if you have faith then God will heal you. I just watched a telecast about healing and they said that you just have to accept it. You are healed, do you have the faith? So they said that if you are not healed it is because you haven't accepted it? So since she isn't healed are they saying that it is her fault? I even had a minister come over and lay hands on her. They read all the healing words in the bible saying you have the right to ask it of GOd and be answered. SO am I praying wrong? Have I been saying the wrong words for the past year and a half? I think for a long time I was mad at God. Why my Mom? WHy me? I know it sounds selfish on my part to say why me but this has taken away in many ways both of our lives. I have gotten over being angry at God and have asked to be forgiven for my anger towards him and given thanks instead for what she has recovered. I am thankful for the fact that she is till alive, but I also sometimes feel guilt over that. She wasn't able to make that decision and I did. Was it fair of me to put her through this or should I have let her go in peace and left her at the other hospital. Was it selfish of me to pray to God to keep her alive? If she gets better it will be worth it but if not does she want to live the rest of her life like this? I don't think so. I know that God doesn't make bad things happen to people. I just don't understand. You look at all the drug dealers selling drugs to kids or child molestors and wonder why not them? Why my mom who has never done anything wrong. She was a good mother, wife and friend. She never did drugs, maybee once a year had a drink . She did smoke. That was her bad habbit.

Everyone tells me that God has a special place for me in heaven and that I will be rewarded. All I want for a reward is for her to get better. She is worth all of the hard work and I will devote as much time as needed to get the job done. I just hope it pays off for both of us.

 

If anyone has any thoughts on this I would love to hear them.

 

Thanks

Ruth

[bames49]

ruth...

 

i know a bit about the "why me?" question... When anything happened in my family, my mother used to say "why me?" -- my father's cancer, my aunt's brain tumor, my sister's car accident -- her perspective was always "why me?".

 

I have had a few things happen to me as well... among others: divorce, financial problems, Lyme's Disease... and of course my stroke. I knew from observing my mother over the years that this wasnt happening only to me. I also observed that my mother's approach to problems did not serve her very well, so i needed to figure out another way to look at things. Basically i "give myself permission" to feel bad for a minute or two, and then I promise myself that i am going to instead figure out something i CAN do... maybe not what i was doing before, or what I had planned... but either something to tackle the problem.... or something that is an "instead" approach. It helps to take my focus off whatever isnt going right. Simplistic, i know, and it doesnt make the bad stuff go away, but i think it really does help.

 

second thing... I ran across this on the internet... and i think it helps ME deal with things. Maybe it will help you.

 

When I was little, my grandmother used to sew a great deal.

 

I would sit at her knee and look up from the floor and ask what she was doing.

 

She informed me that she was embroidering. As from the underside I watched her work within the boundaries of the little round hoop that she held in her hand, I complained to her that it sure looked messy from where I sat.

 

She would smile at me, look down and gently say, "Child, you go about your playing for a while, and when I am finished with my embroidering, I will put you on my knee and let you see it from my side."

 

I would wonder why she was using some dark threads along with the bright ones and why they seemed so jumbled from my view.

 

A few minutes would pass and then I would hear Grandma's voice say, "Child, come and sit on my knee."

 

This I did only to be surprised and thrilled to see a beautiful flower, or a sunset. I could not believe it, because from underneath it looked so messy.

 

Then Grandma would say to me, "My child, from underneath it did look messy and jumbled, but you did not realize that there was a plan on the top. It was a design. I was only following it. Now look at it from my side and you will see what I was doing."

 

Many times through the years I have looked up to heaven and said, "Father, what are You doing?"

 

He has answered, "I am embroidering your life."

 

I say, "But it looks like a mess to me. It seems so jumbled. The threads seem so dark. Why can't they all be bright?"

 

The Father seems to tell me, "My child, you go about your business of doing My business, and one day I will bring you to Heaven and put you on My knee and you will see the plan from My side."

 

You and your mother will be in my prayers, Ruth

 

Barbara

 

[fking]

Hello again Ruth,

 

This is Fred again, I am a 2 year survivor of a massive stroke, still with much paralysis on left side. Many months of hospital, therapy on a every other month or so basis. Just finished water therapy this month. Now I have to wait a while before insurance will approve any more.

 

I am a believer in God and Jesus Christ and the written word, the bible. No, I'm not a preacher, not even a deacon, just a faithful believer with a professed faith in Christ. It certainly has not been as strong and sin free as it should have been over most of my years from the time I was baptisted at age 14.

 

Any human being can look back over their lives and spot some things that were not in keeping with the commandments to which, when we asked and repented, were forgiven. God never promised everyone would believe in Jesus. Gods plan is to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future(Jeremiah 29:11).

 

Sometimes he changes our situations, sometimes he changes our hearts and helps us overcome our despair. It seems cruel to us in how we see it. Naturally, we say why. He is getting us ready so we won't turn back in our faith when the task is given to us. We have to climb some mountains, go thru some valleys, face some things we would rather not. Think for a moment what Jesus faced, he beared the cross alone and died for our sins so we won't have to.

 

I said all that to say this, trust God, he knows what he want for each one of us. Suffering is a part of prepareness for what he has for us. Sure, we tend to view it and think of it as cruel and unneeded punishment for no reason. Well we just don't see and we certainly don't know what he has for us to do.

 

I say to myself, I could have died as a stroke victim, but here I am, a survivor, already a blessing. He was not ready for my soul 2 years ago. My faith tells me I'm still here for a purpose of his, in spite of what I call, suffering. Everybody, even preachers goes thru some things in Gods name. God is with us, even to the end and it will pay off for you and your mom and your family.

 

She can and she will get better, just as I have and many, many others before us. I feel we don't go before our times, and he is, I said earlier, getting our hearts right and minds set. So we will not back slide in what it is, he has for us to do.

 

If you get a few minutes, and desire, PM me, and I can answer you back where you can take your time and read what I say. I can't say all of what I'd like to console you about during this time of your acceptance of your mothers stroke. I am praying for your understanding of what God is doing. I'm so proud you overcome being mad with God.

[jriva]

 

Ruth,

 

I suppose it makes a great deal of difference which sub-category of which of the major religions one was brought up in, but I don

[swilkinson]

"Rain falls on the just and the unjust alike" says one of the Old Testament prophets. We don't deserve "rain" we don't deserve "pain".

 

But as Jean pointed out neither do we deserve all the GOOD things in life that people like those in third world countries have never had - starvation, deprivation, raging epidemics, warring forces on our home soil,we've been spared all of those.

 

Let love carry you through the hurt, suffering and pain. My husband has a family history of heart disease and diabetes, he has diabetes and has had five strokes. We get by with the love we have for each other, with a little help from family and friends.

 

Time is wasted in wondering "why me" that could be spent in saying:"How do I help make this life better?"

 

Sue.

 

[lmouat]

:hiya: Dearest Ruth,

 

You will probably see as many different answers as there are people writing back to you. And all have value and I am sure sincerity in what they say. So I shall talk from my own perspective and experience...

 

Our oldest son died at age 17 in 1983. We were committed Christians and very active in a church. We got some responses from christians that were decidedly not christian answers at all! As in, "if you only prayed more he would be healed." "What sins have you committed to cause your son to not be healed." I could go on but "Take your son to X clinic in X place and he will be healed."

 

And the big one - a faith healer came through town and we were desperate. Randy went down to be prayed for and the healer put his hands on our son's head, declaring that he was healed. The disclaimer - that we believe it. But I digress - you aren't asking about my soap box!

 

I believed at the time and in the intervening years (filled with much positive and not so positive experiences - 2 strokes 3 weeks apart), that the things that happen to us are a result of living on this earth and in these frail bodies. The events are random but what we do with what happens to us is what counts.

 

God is not intimidated by questions, nor by anger. So, asking why is all right. Take care and take care of yourself, using some of that loving care you are giving to you mom. We don't want you to crash!

 

Stay well,

Linnie

 

 

[4mom]

 

 

Thanks to all that have replied. I asked and I got. I almost feel guilty about how I feel after reading some of the comments. I didn't mean to come off as though I or she for that matter deserves better than anyone else. Yes my mom to has sinned everyone does . I really believe it or not don't let myself dwell on it, yes it does still cross my mind. I spend most of my time trying to make my mom happy. I really don't have much time for me at all to deal with my feelings let alone needs. I do anything that I can think of to bring her a minute of joy. I tell her when she asks to consider her other options, she could be dead. Most days she says that she would rather be here than not. The hardest part of accepting things is not knowing how far she will get. Is this it or will she get back more? Like most of you, you prob. just wish you knew.

 

You guys gave me some really good things to think about and a different way to look at it. I really liked the story about the sewing grandma and the little one. It is a good point.

 

Sometimes when you or someone you care about is suffering it hard to see past that. Ususally when I let myself get caught up in it is when she has bad days like the past 2 where she only wanted to cry. It is hard to deal with, when you can't comfort her. If she could at least speak and get how she really feels out I think it would help her alot. She just lost so much, but she is still here and that is what I tell her.

 

Thanks again

Ruth

[jriva]

 

 

Ruth,

 

There is no reason to feel guilty. Everyone on this site has gone through (or is still going through) the acceptance process that you're going through. This topic is not new in caregiver or survivor circles and it's a necessary one to visit before any of us can make peace with our New Normal lives.

 

Jean

[bames49]

there is nothing wrong with acknowledging the thoughts and feelings you are having... In fact, I think there is a lot of good that comes from that. Your thoughts are valid and they ARE your thoughts. And your mother needs to know that she doesnt have to hide or suppress her thoughts from YOU. The trick is what you do after that. We cannot control the thoughts that come into our heads, but what we do have control over is what we choose to do after that. Perhaps you and your mom can make some sort of "pact" between you: to acknowlege the thoughts and feelings and then help each other figure out what to do about it, what to focus on "instead". For me, I think of it as kind of "making a mini project" out of it. (ok... I am having a bad day. what can i do that will make it better? what good thing can i concentrate on instead? what "reward" can i give myself when i get through whatever yucky thing i have to do today?) The fact that you do have each other in your lives is a blessing. Part of the balance of acknowledging the bad stuff is that you have to find moments to acknowledge the good stuff too

 

Keep posting. Let us know what kind of progress you are making

 

Barbara

[danni3]

:hiya: HELLO RUTH I JUST WANT TO SAY I HAVE READ YOUR,POST AND ALL OTHER,AND I MUST SAY THAT I AM IMPRESS,BY THE REPLIED,THEY ARE GIVING YOU THEY ARE WORD FROM THE HEART AND WORD,THAT MY LORD,WANT YOU TO HERE,BECAUSE HE DOES NOT CAUSE,PAIN AND SUFFERING,HE CAUSE HEALING,I AM SORRY FOR WHAT YOUR MOM IS GOING THRU,BUT YOU STICKING BY HER SIDE,NO MATTER, WHAT IS TRULY A BLESSING AND YOU AND HER BELIEF,WILL MAKE HER WELL,YOU MUST REMEMBER THAT WE ALL ARE CHILDREN,OR GOD CREATIVE BY HIM AND LOVE BY HIM,WE BOUGHT SIN UP ON ARE SELF FROM THE BEGINING OR TIME,BUT THERE IS A HIGHER POWER,THAT SEE EVERYTHING,

[pprovost]

Hi Ruth,

I think that a stroke was the only thing that God could do to get me to stop living the way I was living prior to my stroke. I had two burnouts in three years but my half -hearted attempts to change my habits were not effective to get me on track. Had I not had the stroke I would never have appreciated what a good life I had to enjoy. It is true that some big choices were made for me due to the stroke ( i.e. no more career)My day planner actually has space to breathe. But even if I am in a good place now, I never lose hope that one day I may be healed to a state where I will have no handicap nor limitation to how I live.

I don't blame God at all. All he did was give me free choice to live in a way that disrespected my health. I made my choices and here I am. Life is not always fair. We can choose how we perceive our situations. stroke is definitely not easy to accept. Losing mobility in this fast moving world is simply not acceptable. It helps me when I realize that my situation could have been much worse. For that I am grateful.

 

I hope that you and your mother will find peace in your situation. My relationship with my Mom is a hundred times closer since my stroke . We talk everyday now and have coffee at least once a week. Before, I never had time to spend with her.

 

be well,

Pat :cloud9:

[kristina38]

I too couldn't understand why my Mom, for all the good she has done helping people and animals alike would be struck down so cruelly by this stroke. Now, after dealing with the worst the stroke could throw at us I realize it was a wake up call for the both of us. Mom had been lonely and depressed since Dad died and I was so caught up in my own life 800 miles away that I only could manage to get down to see her once maybe twice a year. We emailed everyday but it is not the same as seeing each other (I'm her only child). Mom was drinking alot of wine and started smoking again after my last visit in December 04, January 05 the stroke rearranged both our habits and schedules. I told her the other day when she was feeling down to be thankful as she is much much healthier now than she ever was pre-stroke even with her paralysis and other stroke affected things and she gets to see me every day! LOL She just rolled her eyes and laughed, as some days I think she'd rather I was 800 miles away again and not nagging her to death!

It really is all about perspective and I know that sounds corny but as I get older I realize the truth in it. Sometimes when I'm having a horrible day and really getting frustrated and angry I just make my mind up that I am not going to let x,y or z ruin my day and I just refuse to be angry anymore. You know what? It works!

Kristina

[richman]

To all those who think their lifestyle is responsible for their stroke and is not just some random twist of Fate, I can just say two words: Keith Richards (of the Rolling Stones). He's had more illegal drugs, booze, sex, and physical abuse than anyone on this site. Yet he's never suffered a stroke.

 

How I wish I'd never had a reason to visit this Site for inspiration and support, and to be yelled at for not being a good stroke "survivor". :Dr_Evil:

[dstraugh]

Hi Ruth,

The why questions are quite normal. I know I had them - I even tried, at first, to "make a deal" for my recovery. I went through the low periods and may have taken steps; however, I started spending more time reading and posting on this site. The world is looking brighter - I don't know how much more I'll recover but at least I'm around to work at it. Hang in there. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your Mom.

[jwatrous]

First, sorry for your loss -

This month makes 21 years that I am a stroke survivor -

I have never blamed God, but have spent more energy getting well -

I believe God is good, and would not bother himself with me

Happy Holidays

June :cheer:

[garysdaughter]

Hi there Ruth,

 

When I read your post I thought, Oh my, she could have been talking about my father to a T. I, too, have asked the same questions you have. Before the stroke, he had a life full of loss. He lost my mother just a few years after they were married, then lost his youngest son, my brother, ten years later. After that came the death of his mother (stroke) and a month after that, the death of his father. I think a lot of the pain I've felt growing up has been because of him, just watching him suffer...and I've asked, "why is God subjecting him to a life full of misery when there are many who've not experienced any at all"?? I've told him on one occassion that he must be in for a life in paradise when he goes because Lord knows he's deserving of it.

The only thing I can say Ruth is that everyone has felt the way you are feeling now. I don't want to get too overzelous here but it is at the point that you just surrender everything, and I mean everything, you will find some peace of mind. Know that no one is "laying this suffering" upon you or your mother out of spite. It's normal to feel the way you're feeling; not having any amount of control over a situation as difficult as this is maddening. The power of prayer is strong, in my opinion. Pray for the ability to accept what you cannot change; no prayer goes unheard.