Lost in my space

[Mkcas]

 

 

Help!! I am lost. I had spontaneous brain bleed in April 2005.

Mind and body are progressing but here is the kicker...

I caught my wife of 15 years having an affair. just this week.

We own and run the family business which employes several family members.

 

I have make some pretty major descicion but I am petrified. I truly love my wife and feel that this may have been enhanced by my anger and fear. She is very distant and said she said good by to me before the surgery. (I feel in haste)

 

I have began the process to forgive her because she also has the fears from my stroke but I am confused if this will be good or set more anger.

 

any ideas?

[scrappier]

I remember the first few months as being very trying at first.

 

Getting your footing as a"couple" is awkward and scary. They don't

know how to act or view you now after the stroke.

 

It takes time for one(stroker) to become more back to themselves.

 

Its kinda hard at first but don't put too much pressure on the both of you. The nonstroker wants their souse back asap

 

My husband acted afraid of me at first.

 

Give it time and tell her you'll being feeling better in a while.

 

This takes time,not a cold (you don't get over it totally-still think about it but less so), not a race. Believe it or not, you will feel more like yourself in a while.

 

Pushin it to happen before the brain's had time to heal will slow your progress. Keep reminding yourself anout how far you've come fromwhere you started.

 

You're in a rare rare group, surviving a bleeder is a very low rate-like 2% or something? Your is a scary serious stroke, I believe moreso than my brainstem stroke. Be happy you're here at all and let your God do his work on ya now. Have faith, you'll be happy and yourself with time and care.

 

Now is the time in life to take life off and recover....Keep the lines of communication open and give each other space. Pressure on the relationship is a harmful thing right now. Tell her you understand she's scared. If you two want to make each other the priority, tread lightly right now, and give the relationship time to get its feet again.

 

I think people rush too much and make it an all or nothing right away. If we had done that I don't think we'd be seeing our 21st year. :forgive_me?: Hope this helps!! Give each other time and understanding---everyone wants life back to normal asap---I can't think of many more scenarios that call for taking a break from life and getting back into it when you all feel better... :big_grin: You noth will smile again-let yourselves heal first --you've been dealt one of the mothers of all blows--from a 3+year survivor at the age of 42 at the time

[jriva]

 

MKcas

 

I'm probably the last person on this site who should be giving martial advice, having only been married five years this coming April 16th. However, it seems to me that more than just you starting the process of forgiveness is needed here. What about getting some sort of couple's counseling? If you don't address the route causes that drove your wife to have the affair in the first place, what is going to prevent it from happening again? Your anger and fear probably did feed into it; it's a personality change that can make a spouse feel like they're living with a stranger. Also, your marriage pre-stroke may or may not have been as healthy as you thought it was and that needs to be talked through, too, with a trained professional.

 

A great many chances come with a stroke for the spouse/caregiver and the stress is enormous. It seems to me that your wife and yourself both have to find healthier ways to deal with the changes the stroke brought to your lives for your marriage to move forward---and I do believe you can move past this if you BOTH want to work it through. These are just my opinions as a caregiver/spouse.

 

Jean

[HostAsha]

hi:

 

forgiveness brings happiness. have you talked to your wife about her affair? I think talking with her about her concerns will help deal with situation

[Sudz]

Hi M

My heart goes out to you unfortunately I do understand your pain in 1999 my husband of 20 + years had a 14 month aff airMy initial response was to leave but I couldn't quite

I agreed to stay only if we really worked on it & tried to heal not just patch

Before you can start to work it out you must insist on no more contact zero tolerance - the OM is like a hi gh no clarity of thinking if there is contactYour wife is in a fog of lies that cannot lift until no contact is established.

Our fist counsellor had us get After the Affair by "jJanis Abrams spring excellent & a good start to rebuilding its much like stroke lif e altering and much to lear n.Our turning point nMay have been when I fiybfound Marriage builders. com another fantastic support site plus the marriage builders principles are very logical and easy to understand

LsLater on when you both have chosen to rebuild I can suggest a couple of great marriage encountreres that added to our recoverythings we should have known & practiced from Day 1

Your feelings of loss - anger & total disbelief are normal at this stage.

I saw our 2nd marriage counsellor shortly after my anneurysm I told him of all the acceptance horror stories from rehab re stroke and that if I could come through the affair I should be able to get through this

If I can suggest any avenues to start you on your recovery journey PM me visit the web site get that book

Sue Sudz

The pain is horriffic but you can survive I never thought I could

I have almost forgiven it was important to understand allthat I could we talked hundreds of hours & cried a bzillion tears

 

Another great book Surviving an affair by Dr. Willard FHarley Christian bookstore maybe

[Vanillamoon]

 

I'm not saying what your wife has done is ok. But it may have nothing to do with love. Sometimes, when you can't cope - when your life is filled with conflicts and uncertainties - you look for comfort and escape where ever you can find it. Some people turn to alcohol, some people turn to drugs, some people turn shopping into an art form. It's all a method of escaping what ever they don't know how to deal with.

 

Talk to her. Don't make this a family thing, because, when you work in a family business, everything becomes a family thing.

 

Make it about the two of you and what you've both gone through. As a survivor, I can truly say I'm not the only one who had to deal with having a stroke. :forgive_me?: Trust me, she' dealing with a lot of issues too!

 

 

 

 

I think Vickie has said what I am thinking here. I think communication is the best way to solve problems in a marraige, without it healing and forgiveness are just ideals! I will pray that both your hearts be open to communication. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

 

[Mkcas]

thank you for all your knowledge...just today the pain spread from my heart to my bad knee, as if to say have faith young man. I have many hours looking over threads and finding new hope. We may someday expierence a greater love from this.

[fking]

You never know what the future holds in store for life after stroke no mater the circumstances. It's a safe guess that physically, life will be at a little slower speed. However, that's not true in all cases. :happydance:

[mikisteph]

 

 

i hope you work it out but there is life after the loss of a wife

 

what you must remember is that you are the most important thing, not your marraige and certainly not your wife

 

she has gone off and done her thing, she may do it again. with the best will in the world there are needs she has that you, because of your medication will probably never again fulfill.

 

what you must not do is stop taking or cut down on the medication so as to decrease their effect

 

reducing the meds may make you better in other ways but it increases your risk of having another stroke

 

i know i tried