al belfield Posted April 28, 2006 Share Posted April 28, 2006 this has been the second hardest thing in our lives,last april 7th my 19 year old son was killed in a car accident,after that my wife went into deep deep depression,11-1-05 she had a massive stroke that took her speech and her right side,she is now 44 and i am 43,Now I am the caregiver for her and left with all the burdens of the world on my back alone,THIS SUCKS IN SO MANY WAYS!!!!!!!! the slightess mention of my son sends her into uncontrollable crying ,I feel so helpless I can't even talk about the kid that shared my name and was my whole world,What do i do? Thank the lord we have another son who is 15 and a great kid,also a very strong kid,But dad is getting beat down,some days are just worse than others,and somethings hurt more than others,and people this hurts ,in one year I have lost a son and the woman i married ,i know she is in there somewhere but where!!!! I am a weight lifter and even a World champion bench presser,but people with this I feel helpless and mighty small right now! Sorry to vent but at least some of you might know what I'm feeling, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tom71 Posted April 28, 2006 Share Posted April 28, 2006 al belfield, I'm sorry to hear about all you are going through, makes me feel silly to complain about the loss of my arm, I can not imagine the pain you feel, with loosing your son, and your wife's stroke, there is no reason to apoligize on your part, that is what we are all here for, to listen and provide support when our friends are in need. God Bless your entire family, Tom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
timeprime Posted April 28, 2006 Share Posted April 28, 2006 Oh my I'm so sorry to her about all that is gong on in your life.Have to ask are you getting any help? phsically & mentally.. I feel so bad sitting here being sorry for myself with all you have to deal with, please read all you can on this site it help so much and venting helps really it does.. it has to get better, Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4mom Posted April 29, 2006 Share Posted April 29, 2006 I could not imagine loosing my child. You think as a parent you are suppost to go before your child. Sadly it doesn't always work that way. I have to say that you are a strong strong man to still be functioning. You have definitely had more than your share. They say that God never gives you more than you can handle, but I have to ask how much can one person bear? I am a caretaker to my mom who stroked at 55. She lost it all. She has slowly regained very little but is still making progress. My mother was locked in and only able to move her eyes. I get what you say about your wife being in there somewhere. I still have my mom to, but it is nowhere close to being the same. I am trying to accept that it never will be the same again but it has been a slow process. I want her back still. She is quadreplegic now and literally unable to do anything for herself. I am more than happy to be taking care of her because she is still here. That is what keeps me going. Recently one of my dads good friends was planting trees in our lots next to our house. He was here Wed, thurs and fri of last week and on sunday his aunt called to say that he had a brain aneurisom. Completely fine one day and 2 days later slumped over the wheel of his truck unconscious. Yesterday the Dr. said he is brain dead. Today his family took him off life support. When they took him off he started breathing on his own. I am not sure what that means, and we haven't heard a update in several hours. The point is I feel really lucky when I hear stories like that. My moms stroke was devastating and I can't think of many things worse but this was one of them. She is still here the same or not. I can tell her I love her and she can say it back. It is one of the few times I can say I feel lucky about her stroke. Keep up your hard work. I admire you for your courage. Your wife is lucky to have such a strong man to support her through all this grief. I don't know how you and her manage. Here's to better days Ruth Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fking Posted April 29, 2006 Share Posted April 29, 2006 Al, all I can think of to say is now is the time to believe in something and somebody. We all on here has seen very hard times in one way or another. The choices are always yours individually. For me, I turned to God, my trust, beliefs and comforts. I can't begin to tell you how that has changed my way of thinking and eased the pains of suffering to tolarable. I hope you find a way to better understand what you are going thru and that we all must suffer some hard time during the course of our lives on this earth. In the meantime try to read the post and replies to topics here that gives you insight in what you are facing right now. It has helped me and so many others in dealing with caregiving and surviving. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arogers Posted April 29, 2006 Share Posted April 29, 2006 Al, Several years ago a dear friend lost his youngest son to an alcohol-related, one car, prom night accident. My friend was away on a fishing week-end, several hours away from home. I don't believe he truly smiled for a year after his namesake's death. A few years later he lost his other son to AIDS. My husband and I have known each other 5 years. After my dad passed away in 10/01 (a retired Presbyterian minister, my husband conducted his funeral) we moved my elderly mom to be close to us so that we could take care of her. Bill had his 1st stroke 2/03. In 5/04 he was hospitalized and in a coma for 6 days. 10/2/04 he had his second stroke. 12/23/04 he had an artery by-pass in his right leg. 12/24/04 my mom suffered a heart attack (but didn't tell us because of Bill's condition). 12/28/04 Bill was released from hospital. 1/1/05 Mom went to hospital. 1/14/05 Mom released. 1/17/05 Bill to hospital with congestive heart failure. 1/18/05 I got the call that Mom had passed away in her sleep in her recliner. 3/21/05 Bill's 3rd stroke. (By this time Bill has lost vision on the right side, has aphasia, no short-term memory and severe cognitive deficits, right arm and leg weakness.) All is relatively calm until 12/05 - more hospital, 1/05 - more hospital, 2/05 Bill spends month in nursing/rehab environment, 3/05 - Bill has pneumonia, 4/05 - Bill has just suffered his 4th stroke and once again in the hospital. Does it get easier? For this caregiver, the answer is no. My heart aches for the man I fell in love with and married and I ask the proverbial "why" - and then I ask myself "why not?" None of us has a corner on easy street, I'm afraid. I do have more serenity today than I did five years ago. I now know I can't control anything or anybody but myself. I have a faith in a Higher Power - and I choose to call that Higher Power God, the same God who has held me in His arms for my entire life. That faith won't make everything in my life better, but He does provide me with the strength I need to carry on every day. Have you read "When Bad Things Happen to Good People"? This is an excellent book written by Rabbi Harold S. Kushner and deals with the topic of personal loss. You won't find any platitudes in this little book, but I think it is just an excellent tool for help in sorting our emotions out when crisis hits. I pray for you and your son as you work through all the emotions that accompany the kind of life altering circumstances you are dealing with now. And I pray for your wife as she struggles with not only the loss of her son, but with all the changes she deals with as a result of her stroke. Warmly, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kj mcmeekin Posted April 30, 2006 Share Posted April 30, 2006 Hi Al: Great question!!! I oftened wondered that myself. My husband has been home now for almost a year. He had a massive stroke (it affected one whole side of his brain and across the frontal portion) at age 50. I am several years younger than he. He spent 7 months in a nursing home after the stroke. I deceided to bring him home. I never imagined that it would be this difficult. He takes constant care. He can help very little. I think the best thing he can do for himself is feed himself. Some days are easier than others. There are still many, many days that I want to run away and hide. Some days I don't think I can do this anymore. And many days I disappear into the bedroom and just cry!!!!! One thing that I have learned through this whole experience is that if I give up on anything all will be lost. Everyday is a constant battle between being a caregiver, still trying to be a wife and an advocate for my husband. Does it get any easier......I don't know it anyone can answer that for you......but with every passing day I feel that I got stronger and was better able to handle things. Don't ever give up.........recovery takes time.....sometimes longer than we want it to take. You are really dealing with alot.........I will keep you in my prayers.......Take care of yourself, that needs to be #1 on your list. Kim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest joy Posted April 30, 2006 Share Posted April 30, 2006 Hi, Al, We were much older than you when stroke entered our world. Not by invitation, I might add. Our world changed in a heartbeat and will never be the same. :Tantrum: Does it get any better? To some degree but being a caregiver is definitely the hardest job I have ever loved to do. I am able to be with my husband and take care of him. Oh, I get really tired and grumpy and want to quit sometimes but then he will smile or kiss my hand and I'm right back on board again. I am so sorry for your loses. You may be a strong man physically and you said you feel small. Let me tell you - it takes a tremendous amount of power to do what you have been doing and are doing. Losing a child must be the hardest thing a parent has to do. I thank God that I have not had to experience that in my life. If you don't have help with caring for your wife, please explore all possibilities for some - free is better. If you are a member of a church, there are probably people there who would be willing to help some. We have a tremendous support system in our church. We have limited family support - actually only one sister-in-law but she is willing and I use her all the time. Keep coming to this site and vent all you want. We have all been there. This is my "crying towel", "whipping post", "lift me up", "pray for me" and "love me" site. You can get all these things here FREE. God be with you, Joy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swilkinson Posted June 7, 2006 Share Posted June 7, 2006 Al , it is a bit like being thrown into a river of fast running water. At first all you can do is hope to survive. Then you paddle a little and hope springs in your heart that you may survive. Then you look around for landmarks. I guess it was at this stage that you came here looking for help. Ray has had five strokes and each one plunges us back into the "how will I cope?" mode, but with each stroke we realise our strengths, learned in coping with the others ands find the strength to go on. Sorry you have been through so much. I have a lot of admiration for people like you and your family who have suffered so much and are yet are still hanging in there. Like Joy said get as much help as you can, find some free (or cheap) counselling, that will help too. Good luck with your ongoing work as a caregiver and family support. I am sure there are people out there in your network thinking of you and wishing you well. As we all do here. Sue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julia Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 This board demonstrates the old adage that you can think your problems are the worst possible until you hear from the many who have worse ones. my 73 year old husband had a massive stroke in 2002 which, after much therapy, left him with a very weak right side, poor short term memory, and worse, aphasia for both incoming and outgoing information, and worst of all, frequent dementia. But at 77 he can walk, feed himself, and is often aware enough to be happy to see his children. He is still the same sweet natured, loving guy he always was. He is still at home and I hope he will always be. A 6-week stay in skilled nursing following heart problems made clear to me how much I would miss him if he were there full time. I am at a loss for words to expres my sympathy for those of you who have suffered with loved ones who were young and so have lost many years. I have learned some things about myself, both good and not so good, and know I am a better person for dealing with this. This is in no way sufficient return for what he has to deal with, of course, but it is all I can see of the good of it for me. What he might say is beyond my ability to imagine, since I would rather not live in his condition. Would he say the same? I have no way of knowing and so I do my best to keep him at his best and hope it is what he would want. I wonder how many of you had a moment of decision about whether or not to keep your loved one alive without knowing what the result would be. I did and decided to keep him going. For a year or so it seemed to be the best decision, but as time goes on he loses more ground. I know he might be aware of his condition and that it will not improve, but what I can't know is what he would have wanted, given hindsight. Now his thoughts are so beyond logic that I don't think he would have an opinion. But who knows the results of the best intentioned decisions? That seems to be a large part of life and is the downside of free will. We cannot know and so we must accept what we choose, for good or bad. Acceptance is hard, but it is the only way for those of us who take responsibility for the care of suffering loved ones. Julia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisratty Posted July 17, 2006 Share Posted July 17, 2006 Yes is often I think "why us" how much longer can I keep giving & not get anything in return...& my darling Trev isn't home yet. It is so difficult when, like Trev a stroke attacks someone young & active (he's 60 yrs young) & we had so much living still to do...we've not been married a year yet. Trev himself finds it so difficult & frustrating to be away from home & reality. BUT he is still with me, he still has the same character etc that he has always had, may be hidden at times...but it's there I've seen it in the last few weeks. He's still crazy with a great sense of humour & we'll be together soon. So yes, in some ways I'm sad & aoccasionally cross & self pitying etc...but then I think of the future & of the fantanstic support I have had from people around & from this site ...so don't give up anyone. chris xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jwatrous Posted July 17, 2006 Share Posted July 17, 2006 Boy!, sorry for all your losses and hurts, but what your wife is going thru is normal, and from experience, I can tell you when your wife gets stronger emotionally, life will get better for you Just remember, YOU are her ROCK, so hang in there, pray & some day soon, all this will behind you GOD BLESS & GOOD LUCK June Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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