behavior problems


caringfor5

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Hi everyone,

 

My fiance has been home for a little over three months, I am his only caregiver, no nurses coming in, no family or freinds to help me out except my sister who stays with him if I run a short errand. It is the hardest job I've ever done but it would be a lot easier if I wasn't told that I'm hated and called names everytime he gets the least bit upset about anything. He's having a neuro-psych evaluation next week but I don't know if that will even address this kind of problem. He always apologizes but I get so tired of being treated like this. Its always something. One day it was because I was on the computer to long and he wanted to watch a movie (he wouldn't watch it without me, I was on the computer 20 minutes). Today he's upset because we're getting our dog back that has been at a freinds house because he didn't want it here, well I want our dog back and the freind was only keeping him temporarily.....well when Mike found out that he would be back over here tomorrow he said that if I brought the dog back home he would snap his neck. I would worry about him actually doing it but he is not physically able to do anything of the sort. He has spit on me, called me an f***** b****, tells me he hates me, that he doesn't want to live with me.

 

We never fought like this before, we would have arguments but we never called each other names and we didn't always agree on everything but we never did anything that the other didn't want....i.e the dog was bought for me by him as a gift for my birthday after another dog that we had of the same breed died unexpectedly. All this breaks my heart, its hard enough to care for someone who is totally dependent on you but how do you handle it when they are so hateful one day and loving the next. Some days I feel like I made a mistake bringing him home.....I can handle taking care of him, there is nothing that I have to do for him that bothers me or that I feel is a burdon except for when he is mean to me and that is becoming so frequent that we rarely have a day that he's not mad at me about something. My family including my children who are not his have all witnessed him calling me names, how do I explain this to my kids, they've already excepted so much, I rarely get to do anything with them, they are 17 and 7 year old twins.....this is unfair to them and unfair that they have to live with someone that treats there Mother like this and they have to witness it, that's the worst part for me is when they are here and they have to hear the things he says to me. I'm crying right now just thinking about it. I love him very much but because of what he was to me before, the person he is now is hateful and mean and unapreciative and I don't know what to do about it.....just when I think its getting better something happens and he's screaming at me again, if he could hit me he would. I don't want to drug him all the time so he's spacy and calm but I don't know how to control these outbursts of anger and I think I'm getting burnt out already because of it, I've actually found myself wanting to give up and only because of the way he treats me. I try so hard to not set him off but it seems like no matter what I do anymore its not good enough. Thanks for letting me vent, if any one has any advice please let me know

 

Tina

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Tina all I can do is send you virtual hugs ((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

 

I would say make sure the psycologist knows, even if yu have to tape record it and take it in.

 

I don't know that i would be able to take the abuse..and especially having my children see it.

 

I am hoping and sure there are some care givers here that have experienced this and may have some suggestions and answers.

 

I know brain injury can do many things, and I know frustration from a survivor view.. but unless he can get help and counseling it may be better for him to be in a rehab or assisted living for awhile until he can get under control.

 

 

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I agree wholeheartedly with Bonnie, counseling may be needed plus medical evil for brain damage that a neuro or physic may conduct. Otherwise a change of venue (assisted living or home) may be the best move for your piece of mind and safety of the household.

 

That sort of activities can't continue for very long and your kids there too. Domestic violence is nothing to take lightly under any circumstances.

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Tina,

 

 

I don't have any suggestions for you either but I'm glad you are getting the evaluation done and I agree with Bonnie about tape recording some of these out bursts to take to the person doing the eval.

 

You've probably already found the topic in the Classic Postings forum that gives links to topics about personality changes and abuse of careigivers. If not, you might find some of them helpful. http://www.strokeboard.net/index.php?showt...349entry43349

 

Jean :friends:

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Thanks guys,

 

I hope someone who has went through this can give me some advice and I'll read the postings about personality changes and caregiver abuse....I think I've read some of them back when he first had the strokes but I haven't checked them out in a while. I just really don't know what to do. I feel like I'm his only chance for a meaningful life, meaning if he's not here with me or we're not together any more what does he have. His family in my opinion is not the best support system and they are definately not hands on when it comes to his care they never and I mean never do anything to care for him so if he goes to a home and he for some reason decides that he hates me and doesn't want to be with me for real then he has no one except the nurses and aides at the home. He actually tells me he doesn't want to be with me anymore and sometimes it's for things like the fact that the house is in my name and not both of ours.....he actually gets so mad about this fact that he tells me I can take this house and shove it up my a**.....this was not even an issue before the strokes we never even discussed the fact that I was the one that bought the house and the only reason it got brought up now is because he has actually told me to get out....I don't know who in his mind he thinks is going to care for him if I leave but I told him that I could not leave my own home because the loan and house is in my name. I put the money down to purchase this house and I can't just leave it. Well that just set him off, that was about two months ago and I can't tell you how many times he has brought it up just out of the blue and starts yelling at me. Most of what he yells at me about has to do with explanations I have given him about certain things that seem logical to you or I but are totally illogical in his mind.

 

I want to be with him, but it's very difficult right now. I feel like his whole life depends on me, I don't want to see him live his life in a nursing home but i don't know if I can handle living my life this way. I just hope it gets better. I really do love him very much, even with all this going on and my kids thankfully are handling it very well and still talk to him and treat him well. You would think with what they've heard that they wouldn't want to be around him but I guess maybe they understand more than I give them credit for.....they remember the way he was too and they loved him too. Hopefully we can work this out.

 

Tina

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I was thinking if he did go to a rehab or assisted living for a few weeks, hopefully someplace where he could get counseling he would see what it would be like to be away from the people who love and care for him.

 

Sort of a shock ...or scare tactic and with counseling he can see that he is destroying personal relationships.

Have you talked to his Dr or neurologist, is it possible that a medication or combination of meds is making him aggitated or angry.

 

 

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Hi Tina,

 

During Bill's neuropsychological eval the Dr. met with me separately and ASKED about Bill's demeanor at home. He asked whether he was happy, angry, demanding, abusive in any way. An evaluation WILL reveal your fiance's emotional state. He should be seen by someone soon.

 

You won't be able to make him better, Tina. Medications are available, rehab facilities are available - but we just can't do that for our loved one.

 

You need to take care of you and your children. That doesn't mean you don't love him, or you don't want to take care of him. The way you do take care of him is to get the best care for him. In his current mental state he won't understand that - but it's important to understand that he isn't like he was before the stroke and his actions are a result of damage done to the brain, not his feelings about you.

 

I agree that abuse in your home can't continue. You aren't punishing him or pushing him away, you are seeking help in order for your life together to continue.........It was difficult for me to have my husband in rehab during March. It did mark a turn around for him though because he became more determined for himself. Thank God we've not had the behavioral issues you are dealing with - but there have been others.

 

Believe me - we caregivers all want to be the catalyst in our loved one's return to life "before stroke". It's when I accepted that life after stroke needs to be the focus of my attention that I began to heal. You may also benefit from some counselling and support right now!

 

Warmly,

 

 

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Thank again everyone,

 

It helps me so much to be able to talk with someone about this, I have to say we have had a couple of really good days and his neuro psych eval is next thursday. I'm hoping it will shed some light on everything. He is always so sorry for everything he says and does and actually tells me he's proud of me for standing up to him and not babying him when he acts like that. I know in his heart he doesn't want to act like this, I feel like a great part of it is out of his control, but it doesn't change how much it hurts. Hopefully we can have a few more days of no yelling and can get through the psych eval.

 

Thanks again for the advice.

 

Tina

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Tina:

Your kids come first, as far as I am concerned. They should not witness this type of behavior EVER. I know you're your fiance's only caregiver, but you are the caregiver to your kids too. By staying with him when he is mean to you, even though he's sick, your kids are going eventually resent you, and probably start treating you the same way he does. If meds don't change his behavior, remember you have 3 children.....

Dorrie

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Tina; I would like to give this to you from the other end. I had my stroke in Sept. 05 and it is a doozy. Some times I get very angry and yell at my wife and say things I shouldn't say, and I know it. Im not really angry at her, I think I'm just mad at the situation. I almost feel like I just can't help it. I'm mad at the circumstances that left me this way. My wife says hang in there.

Steve H. :ranting: :party:

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Hi Steve,

 

I'm trying to hang in there, we've had a few more arguments since the last time I posted. It's just so exhausting. I know he doesn't mean it, it's just very hard to deal with things that normally would end a relationship and because I'm the caregiver to someone whose had a stroke I'm expected to just deal. What I mean is that had he not had the stroke I would never have put up with someone talking to me or treating me the way that he does. To go from such a loving relationship to one that is so argumentative and just out right mean is what I'm having the hardest time dealing with. And then on top of it to have him say to me that he hates me and doesn't want to be with me because he's mad at me about something like taking his meds or putting on splints makes me feel like why am I making all these sacrifices to be treated like this. He's only been home four months maybe its something that will resolve itself with time but I said that four months ago and here we are still dealing. I love him very much but I don't know how much patience I have left......

 

thanks for the insight on how he may be feeling, I've actually thought all along that alot of the aggression is probably from being completely unable to do anything that he used in the way that we used to. So I'm sure that he's frustrated over that, but my life was completely turned upside down by this too.

 

Thanks again, Tina

 

 

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Tina, maybe you need to do the "SuperNanny" thing. When he yells at you, look him in the eye and say:"This is not acceptable. I am walking away from you and will be back in ten minutes. If this behaviour continues I will take another twenty minute break. Do you understand?"

 

I think as you say that overlooking the behaviour just makes it worse. There should be no payoff for bad behaviour regardless of the reason and just as your fiance has to learn new exercises for his physical deficits so he needs to learn coping exercises for his frustration etc.

 

I have been caring for Ray for seven years now and it is not always an easy path. Sometimes I do make a statement about my needs, my wishes, my goals etc. I need to do some of the things I did prior to his strokes and shouldn't be expected to shelf all my needs indefinitely while he has all his met.

 

Work on some strategies with a counsellor if you can, they are a better judge sometimes of what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't and how to build a "bridge" for him to get back to where he wants to be emotionally. I think you need to take regular breaks from him too so that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" even if it is a half hour walk around the block, or an hour in a coffee shop with a girlfriend. Even coming to chat here sometimes might help you mentally take a break.

 

Sue.

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Sue made a good suggestion and I've used it with Mom on many occasions when she was really being mean and spiteful. I would tell her I didn't deserve nor want to listen to her abuse and I was turning off the baby moniter and taking a break until she got some control over herself. She would cry and howl for about ten minutes but after a half hour or so she would calm down and stop being vindictive and hateful. Sometimes you have to be "mean" just like you would with a child.

Kristina

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I agree with Kristina and Sue. Some stroke survivors loss what is called "Quality Control" which can make emotions be almost child-like, with them not being able to control impulses and emotional outbursts that most of us check in ourselves. Don had a few Quality Control issues in the first several years post stroke---inapproperiate behavor. I was told by the professionals that I would have to "teach" approperiate behavior so he could relearn to Quality Control in the same way a person has to learn it the first time around.

 

Jean

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Thanks Guys (Gals),

 

I have been trying to put a end to this almost as soon as he started talking. All along I have thought that it was something that I would have to re teach him not to do, unfortunately I haven't been very successful in the re teaching part. The very first time he got upset with me and called me a name I told him very calmly that he would not have talked to me that way before and he shouldn't do it now, that was a couple months after the strokes, its been nine months now and I'm still trying to get him to stop talking to and treating me the way that he does. I have to admit I do have a hard time leaving him in the room alone and refusing to come when he calls, I don't know if its that I'm afraid he might fall out of bed or that I don't want him to end up weting the bed or having something that is humiliating enough for him when it happens by acident to happen because I won't come to him when he calls, but I guess that would definately show him that I mean business. I've tried saying to him, what would you do if you didn't have me, when he's yelling at me to get out of my own house, but that just starts a whole other argument because then he makes me mad by saying I should just put him in a nursing home. I'm to the point that if I thought there was an easy way to get someone put in a nursing home for just a little while I would do it just to show him that its no walk in the park. I don't know if he thinks that they would wait on him hand and foot all day and night or what, but I know he would be in for quite a shock if he were to ever have to stay in one. See he doesn't remember being in the long term care facility that he was in and he doesn't remember how much he begged to come home while he was there and in acute rehab. He also tells me to call his Mom that he wants to go stay with her, and every time I have to tell him that his Mom is not able to care for him, which I don't like having to tell him in the first place but his Mom is not only not physically able to care for him, she is also not willing to care for him. So those comments really make me mad because his Mom is not even willing to do the things that she can physically do, (i.e. help feed him, wash his face and hands, clean him up if he were to have an accident) some people aren't caregivers and thats fine but can you imagine how I feel when he tells me to call his Mom of all people when he's mad at me. She is the last person I would call if I needed someone to stay with him just for a few hours and the funny thing is he can barely get along with her for more than an hour or two and then he's had enough yet he tells me he's going to go stay with her.

 

I don't know, I'm starting to think it all boils down to how well I can handle this all. I guess I'm resentful, depressed, hurt, and probably just about any other emotion or feeling you can think of all rolled up into one at any given time of the day. Thank God for the happy moments or I would LOSE MY MIND!!!!! Yep believe it or not we still have those so I count my blessings, just some days its harder to remember that.

 

thanks again everyone here is so helpful, I'll try warning him I'm going to leave the room and sticking with it and see if that works.

 

Tina

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Tina,

 

I believe the most difficult adjustment I have had is that my husband is not 57 years old emotionally anymore. It is extremely difficult to accept that the man we married is now a little boy in many ways. Frankly, it's more difficult than the walking, speech, memory - any of it. However, it is what it is.

 

From your posts I believe that is where you are. Your husband is throwing his tantrums :Tantrum: and probably doesn't even remember them after it's over. Of course he doesn't want his mother to care for him. You know that!! It doesn't make it any easier though because we remember the before....it isn't before stroke anymore though.

 

I just have to remind myself when the childish comments come out that I'm dealing with one whose emotions are very childish. It was alot easier teaching my boys how to conduct themselves than it is to reteach my husband. It's easy to forget what has happened to his brain.

 

The bottom line is that he probably wants what HE wants when HE wants it. Just like a little boy. I'm sure by now you have discovered you aren't alone - and sometimes just knowing others have experienced the same things is a comfort. For me at least it is confirmation that I'm not doing something wrong. It's the stroke. I liked what Jean said about teaching, just like we taught our children, the self-control that is needed in order to "play well with others" - of course, the others is US!!

 

Hang in there Girl - time is our friend!!

 

Warmly, :friends:

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  • 1 month later...

I have been caring for my mother for almost 2 years. It has been a long rough road with lots of adjustments. I am still dealing with lots of bouts of depression with her. I don't know what I would do if she were mean to me. She has irrational thoughts and feelings that at this point I just want to scream at her. It is very hard to not take offense to it. I get so sick of hearing she is a burden and that she is wrecking my life. I am doing my best to not make her feel that way and it truly makes me feel like a failure.

I think caregiving for someone who is completely dependent on you is the hardest job in the world. I would never give her up not for anything but It wears you down. There is never time for you. After 2 years of getting up every 2 hours to turn her my body is so out of wack that I don't sleep hardly at all during the week. On the weekends when I have a little relief I take sleeping pills. There is so much work that needs to be done. I like you have small children a 4 year old and twin 6 year olds. It is alot of work.

It is so hard to understand that our loved ones are so different when they look the same. It is hard to let go of who they were. I miss my mother horribly. Isn't that crazy to say when she is still here. It is hard to see how selfish she can be sometimes. I am her securtiy blanket and she hates it when I leave. I struggled with that for so long. I let her make me feel guilty for so long.

I hope that the Dr. can help you guys. I am sure this isn't how he wants to be either. Strokes are just evil monsters. They really hurt the whole family not just the survivor.

 

Good luck and God bless

Ruth

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