So I Feel I'm Being Abused


arogers

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Hello All,

 

After reading the thread currently running about Ischick feeling verbally abused by her husband I found the classic posting called Caregiver Bill of Rights:

 

CAREGIVERs BILL OF RIGHTS

 

I have the right:

To take care of myself. This is not an act of selfishness. It will enable me to take better care of my loved one.

 

I have the right:

To seek help from others even though my loved one may object. I recognize the limits of my own endurance and strength.

 

I have the right:

To maintain facets of my own life that do not include the person I care for, just as I would if he or she were healthy. I know that I do everything that I reasonably can for this person, and I have the right to do some things for myself.

 

I have the right:

To get angry, be depressed and express other difficult emotions occasionally.

 

I have the right:

To reject any attempt by my loved one (either conscious or unconscious) to manipulate me through guilt, anger or depression.

 

I have the right:

To receive consideration, affection, forgiveness and acceptance from my loved one for as long as I offer these qualities in return.

 

I have the right:

To take pride in what I am accomplishing and to applaud the courage it sometimes takes to meet the needs of my loved one.

 

I have the right:

To protect my individuality and my right to make a life for myself that will sustain me when my loved one no longer needs my full-time help.

 

I have the right:

To expect and demand that as new strides are made in finding resources to aid physically and mentally impaired persons in our country, similar strides will be made toward aiding and supporting caregivers.

 

 

You see, stroke isn't all about either the survivor or the caregiver. I disagree that the first year is the hardest - from the caregivers perspective anyway. Every survivor is different, but mine suffers from deteriorating mental status and because of that I must constantly be reminded that while it isn't all about me, neither is it all about him. We are in this together and if I don't take care of myself (which is easy to do) I won't be any good to him either.

 

Unfortunately personality defects prior to stroke don't get better post. My husband has been in poor health for a long time and prior to stroke the focus was on him. I remember being ill with the flu and the expectation was that I would be up in just a few hours. There is still no expectation that I may be tired, not feel well or need to take care of myself. I have to be in control of myself - and the Caregivers Bill of Rights gives me a tool to use that reminds me to do so.

 

 

 

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Ann,

 

The title of your topic is "so I feel I'm being abused." How do you think you are being abused? "Abuse" is a serious word.

 

To me the Caregiver's Bill of Rights isn't about abuse. It's about helping the caregiver from falling into the martyr trap. It's a tool for reminding the caregiver that it's up to her or him to stand up for ourselves because the person we are caring for may or may not be able to relate to us in a 50/50 give-and-take relationship anymore. As a caregiver you don't need to be "abused" to get a lot of value out of Caregiver's Bill of Rights. I think most caregivers a year or two (or three) out from the stroke need it. That's the point where we wake up and realize that we can't keep up the all-consuming pace we are on, devoting 24/7 to someone else's needs with no thought to our own. The bill of rights gives us a tool to help us make necessary changes that are good for both the caregiver and the care recipient.

 

Jean

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I do not feel I am being abused, and I do know the implications .......... I was referring to a post that included the words..."it's not all about you right now" referring to the caregiver. I'm sorry, I can't find that post to include in my response.

 

When I am feeling a little martyrdom (oops, I'm human) I refer to the caregiver's bill of rights..I do miss the fact that I'm no longer in a 50/50 relationship. And while it isn't all about me it's not all about my survivor either. That's how the bill of rights helps me. I gain some strength and understanding that I can't do it all alone, and even though my caregiver may attempt to manipulate my feelings through his emotions I am the person responsible for not only myself but also his well being.

 

I am accustomed to talking in the first person, never assuming "you".....If I'd said, 'So You are feeling abused" it may have sounded better.....Never the less, it is what it is. I've learned never to assume my experiences apply to everybody - and I can only share how tools help me.

 

 

 

 

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Ann,

 

I couldn't agree more about the value of using the Caregiver's Bill of Rights as a tool to gain strength and understanding. I also believe that most of us caregivers who get close to the martyr syndrome do so unconsciously without knowing it's happening to us. This is because we really ARE needed for the most basic care duties and that causes us to be blind to our own needs. When we do that for too long, we burn out or bug out of the situation, thus the high divorce rate. It's for everyone's benefit---survivors and caregivers alike---to study both the Caregiver's Bill of Rights and the Survivor's Bill of Rights, both of which can be found in our Classic Postings forum. Together, they can teach us all to have better relationships in the post-stroke years.

 

Jean

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