Failing marriage, feelings of guilt


Guest Donna O

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Guest Donna O

Hello everyone:

 

Six years ago my husband suffered a stroke - complete blockage of the carotid artery causing frontal and parietal lobe damage. You all know what we've been through to get him to this point. He is working, driving, able to balance the check book, grocery shop, and even fixed the garbage disposal last weekend. What is gone though is our marriage. The personality change is too much of a loss. The respect, emotional support, sexual intimacy, easy conversation, and warm feelings have left. We don't speak or enjoy each other's company. He is still angry, frustrated and bitter and I am now also angry, frustrated and bitter. I feel guilty because I need more from my partner. Yet, on the other hand I have been there for him through all of the recovery process: dressing, feeding, bathing, learning to sit, walk, ride a bike - all of it. I just simply need more from my man than we are able to create.

 

Has anyone else had these feelings and left the stroke survivor? How did you do it? How do you feel today?

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Donna,

 

You are faced with two situations, stroke and the marriage. The two of you will have to work on the relationship, even if counsel is required. Then the stroke deficits can be dealt with. WE all go thru some phases of romance decline by survivor or caregiver. When one wants out, that has to be overcomed in order for romance to have a chance.

 

He may not have accepted his stroke yet, still bitter at what he can't do. Then age could be a factor or his desire to honor your wishes like you did by caring for him when he couldn't care for himself. As far as sexual intimacy goes, I think most stroke, caregiver couples suffer some. Ending the marriage is yet another chapter when a partner decides enough is enough.

 

To answer your question, has anyone else had these feelings and left the stroke survivor? YES, it has happen with members here, it's common place. I think it depends on where the marriage is/was before the decision was carried out. Still, others like my caregiving wife and many others has elected to stay. That's just how life goes, IMHO.

 

Not so much that the stroke occurred, because you marry for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health. Divorce is another chapter starting by desires for leaving and separations.

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Did you ever think that just maybe you are asking him to give something he just can't give you anymore?

He many not be aware that you are hurting, and he can't give anymore or he just maybe too tired to give more -

In either case, as communication is importtant, talk with him quietly and express your concerns - You could evn both go to a counselor -

Don't give up, by any means

June, from CT a 20 yr. survivor :cheer:

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I think I can understand what has happened to you both...you both have changed, your roles have changed. Your husband was the breadwinner, he supported you both in a practical sense & emotionally. He was the one you looked up to ...now the balance has changed...you are the mainstay of the relationship & it sounds as if both of you have found this hard to accept.

 

I think this is part of his anger, he feels as if he's let you down, he's not a "man" any more..hence your sexual relationship has changed. He knows that without you he couldn't have coped but he, like many men find it hard to show the feelings & say "thanks". I feel that you have kept your feelings to yourself to spare his.......I think you need to sit & talk over the last 6yrs...with a counsellor if you feel it will help. It's only as you BOTH talk about you feeling that your relationship can be rebuilt.

 

Things WILL be different, but look upon it as a new adventure to start together.

 

I am speaking on feelings that I myself have had during the last 8mths since Trev's stroke, it's only by accepting the changes in your life that you can go on & become stronger....there I've been talking to myself as well this evening.

 

chris xx

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Donna,

 

I've broken your post down in order to share my thoughts with you.

 

You all know what we've been through to get him to this point.

 

None of us knows exactly what you've been through - in fact, it may have been much worse for some of us.

 

He is working, driving, able to balance the check book, grocery shop, and even fixed the garbage disposal last weekend.

 

Wow - he is doing so very well - some of our spouses need help bathing, eating and dressing after six years!

 

What is gone though is our marriage.

 

You are right - the marriage as it WAS is gone. Now you have a new marriage - not necessarily perfect, just different than it was before the stroke.

 

The personality change is too much of a loss. The respect, emotional support, sexual intimacy, easy conversation, and warm feelings have left. We don't speak or enjoy each other's company. He is still angry, frustrated and bitter and I am now also angry, frustrated and bitter.

 

Have you sought professional counselling?

 

I feel guilty because I need more from my partner.

 

Again, have you sought professional counselling?

 

Yet, on the other hand I have been there for him through all of the recovery process: dressing, feeding, bathing, learning to sit, walk, ride a bike - all of it.

 

You have been his greatest cheerleader - and emotionally you are probably feeling bankrupt after six hard years. You made a choice six years ago to stay with your husband and help him recover. Many of us don't realize in the beginning that stroke changes certain parts of our spouse permanently. Even though your husband is able to physically accomplish really significant tasks the areas in his brain affecting emotions may have been damaged.

 

I just simply need more from my man than we are able to create.

 

At this point in time you are probably feeling exhausted. The needs you have sure are natural. Again, if you have the desire to stay with your husband professional counselling may help you do so. Whatever your choice you will know you have done all you needed in order to at least know what you need from your partner that he is unable to provide and why he can't be the person he was before the stroke. Hopefully he can learn how to deal with his anger, frustration and bitterness.

 

I would seek out a counsellor who could help identify ways my spirit as well as my emotions could be healed - and that also goes for your husbnd. I believe a part of the stroke process involves grieving over the losses we both experience. Once we move through that process we can move on to creating a meaningful, loving and sometimes better relationship and marriage.

 

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Hey Donna, I don't have any answers or advice for you. But I did want you to know I will be keeping you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers. You are both going through a very difficult time - you don't need us to tell you that.

 

Just make sure you take your time to deal with what you are feeling and get some objective help from a qualified therapist - someone who understands stroke AND marriage.

 

Sending you warm thoughts now!

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Guest Donna O

Thank you all so much. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. Wow, a true support group. All of your answers, opinions, experiences, perspectives are very appreciated.

 

The marriage vows are what causes the guilt and brought me to this group.

 

I would love to separate the two issues: stroke issues and marriage issues. But, unfortunately, I believe the marriage issues are created by the stroke issues. He is competent in his individual living skills now which is a miracle truly from God. But his interpersonal skills have been irreparably changed.

 

There is a lot of verbal abuse and some attempts at physical abuse. Not just to me, but to the grocery clerk, acquaintances, traffic, co-workers, and more tragically to his son. It stems, I believe, from his feelings of loss of control coupled with his impulsive behavior patterns. Unfortunately, it has involved two instances where my son flies out of his room to run interference for me saying, "Don't let him talk to you that way mom." and/or "you want to hit somebody old man, hit me." Then, afterward Jake and I just hold each other and cry. We really miss the man we lost. But the situation is deterioriating so badly I don't think it's healthy to stay.

 

A good day is when I come home from work and sit alone on the patio with no interaction with my husband. If I go do something with friends, when I get home he is sullen and adopts a victimized posture. He follows me around the house, but won't engage unless to fight. I don't want to have a pity party here, but as a person I need more from my companion.

 

So, that brings me back to the marriage vows. It's like a circle I can't find my way out of.

 

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Thanks for reading our comments to your topic. My final say would be don't yield to domestic abuse. Get the help you need and notify the proper authorities if need be. I lost a sister because she stuck around because she said he loved her, yea, to death. Good luck Donna.

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Yes Donna, I now understand what you mean now you've explained things more fuller. I certainly would'nt stay in an abusive relationship wether verbal or phyisical. I would seriously seek advice from experts in domestic violence. How old is your son?, I would think about moving into a safe place while you think things through.

 

The only thing I can say in defense of your husband is that it's NOT him that's being violent etc BUT the effects of the head injury suffered when he stroked. It is a known side effect of aquirred head injury those violent episodes of anger. My neice by marriage is the same after a serious accident she had approx 12 yrs ago, she has terrible mood swings when she threatens her Mother. Have you discussed these mood swings with your doctor or counsellor?, they might be able to help.

 

I can't advise much more, but my thoughts are with you all.

 

chris xx

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Hi Donna. Funny, but my name is Donna too and my husband stroked last August so it's almost a year since our lives have changed. I know exactly what you are talking about when you refer to the personality changes you are seeing because I am seeing similar ones in my husband. He is not the man I married anymore. He is no longer the husband I knew and he is not the father my daughter knew. The neurologist told me that hubby has "frontal lobe syndrome" and this is why his personality has changed (unfortunately for the worse). Because of his condition he now says and does the most hateful things to me and to my daughter (but especially to me). He says and does these hurtful things without any regard for how his words and actions will hurt us. He is almost completely without a conscience. He shows no remorse. He lacks social awareness as to the impact of his behavior on others. He cares only about himself as if the entire world should revolve only around his needs. This is NOT the kind of man he used to be. Sometimes it feels as if he acts like a defiant 2 year old child. I love him dearly (and have loved him for nearly 24 years) but no matter what I say or do, he acts as if he hates me. He blames me for everything that is different for him and everything that has gone wrong with his life. He is in complete denial of his condition and no one (including his neurologist or our psychologist) can get through to him. He has started a new medicine this past week but I am told it will take at least 3 weeks to get into his system. Hopefully it will make a difference but God only knows. At this point, he threatens to divorce me (even though living alone would be extremely difficult for him--and he doesn't admit this either because he insists he's "fine") and it breaks my heart to even think about divorce. I could go on and on about all of this but I'll spare you the rest of the details. I guess I just wanted to say that I KNOW what you're going through and I feel your pain. Also, if anyone out there reading this knows anything about "frontal lobe syndrome" please contact me at . I'd be appreciative of any information or support you can give. Thanks. Donna M.

 

 

Your post has been edited and your personal contact info removed. Personal contact is not allowed on the message board to protect the confidentiality of our members. Y ou may exchange personal information by using your PM button.-PB VP SS

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Donna,

 

Regardless of your situation it still isn't possible for any of us to tell you what to do. We can advise you as far as your safety, we can share with you sad and horrible experiences but we can't tell you how to handle your situation.

 

I can tell you that if my husband was combative and I was in danger of being physically hurt I would have to seek a safe place for him. Even though I love him I know the changes that have taken place may well be unrepairable regardless of the medication used. In your case you have responsibility for your son as well as your safety. I guess the question for you to answer for yourself is whether the damage your husband's abuse may cause your son physically and emotionally outweighs your feelings of guilt over separating from your husband. (Incidentally, separation isn't divorce - maybe your husband needs the time to himself in order to regroup.)

 

If your husband is competent to take care of himself and the psychiatrist is aware of his situation it may be very appropriate within a counselling session to address the temper and abuse situation. At this point I believe I would have someone around when I addressed it because of hubby's apparent lack of ability to control himself.

 

You also must protect yourself legally. Sandy has really offered you the options available to you. You are in a situation that really must be addressed. Since your husband does have a psychiatrist I would most certainly contact him with your increasing concerns. For me, "till death us do part" doesn't mean my death at the hands of my husband. Those knots you feel in your stomach are probably there for a very good reason.

 

Warmly,

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  • 4 weeks later...

Donna,

 

I am new to this group. I really feel for you. I too am going through a tough time in my life. I am a caregiver. A little over four years ago my wife had a stroke caused by a hemorrhaging AVM. After two brain surgeries she was able to survive, however it caused paralysis on her left side. It seems like it aged her by at least 20 years. She doesn't sound or act the same. She often tells me that the person I married died; I am beginning to believe her. I love her, but my life is on hold neither going forward nor back to before this all happened. I feel so guilty because in recent times I often think that I should not have had the doctors treat her. They gave me the option because the bleeding was so bad. I didn't know it would be this difficult. As far as intimacy, there is none, she wants to I can't seem to get past the fact that I am no longer a husband I am a care giver 24/7. She requires constant and full care. At one time we tried to be intimate, however with her physical problems and now my mental issues it just does not happen.

 

I want so badly to move on and have a new life and have a relationship with someone I can walk with, hold, and lay next to. All I have is care giving and depression that she experiences and that I am now experiencing. I get no rest when she is asleep I try to be as quiet as possible so I can sit down and rest or finish chores around the house. I miss going out on a date and not worrying if they have a private bathroom. I want to go on a vacation where I can enjoy the one I am with. When I see other couples out holding hands it just kills me. I am hurting so bad and feel so guilty for even having these feelings. I am so ready for this to end.

 

I don't think I can do this much longer, yet I can't leave her or put her in a home. I love her, but I need a normal relationship. I don't mean just sex, because we use to have a very active (more than normal) sex life. It is more than that I need a companion that I look forward to being with and do the normal things in life with. I am so lonely and don't know what to do.

 

Jack

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No, but I do know stroke changes both the survivor and the caregiver. Are you possibly expecting him to give you more than he can?

He cannot be blamed, as he did not ask for this stroke, but perhaps a heart-to-heart with him and his doctor will answer any questions you have on what he is not giving you - he may not be aware that this is happening -

Good Luck, June :(

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Donna,

I think you posted a comment about not know your husband anymore in '03I'm a survivor who was hearing the same things you were communicating. If I rember I laid into you pretty good for emotionally isolating your husband.

I think you responded to me that my marriage was possibly in trouble before my stroke. Well sad to say I now have an ex wife . I filed couldn't take the patronizing anymore. In my case it was clear to me that as long as I provided the family income and stability I was to be discarded like hamburger wrapper I miss her and my old family life and hate her all the same time I faught for the marriage all the way till she said I don't love you and I don't want to work at saving the marriage.

Kevin

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  • 1 month later...

I am new to this message board and I was astounded to read through this topic since there were so many aspects that I can relate to. I am the sole caregiver for my 63 year old husband who had a hemorrhagic stroke last July. He still cannot feel his right side, walks very slowly with a quad cane, is in a wheelchair most of the time. He needs help bathing because our only full bath is on the second floor. He can climb steps, but maneuvering that onto the tub transfer bench is risky for him to handle alone.

 

Only recently have I began to address the questions of what has become of our marriage? are my needs being met? (no), what will be future bring? (nobody knows), etc. I am lucky in that his stroke has changed his personality from an impatient, rather intolerant overbearing traits, to one that is almost docile, quiet, thoughtful and more communicative. It's just that after a thorny pre-stroke marriage, I have no choice but to stay for him. I still love him, and there is even more affection than before, and the possibility of mutually rewarding sex, but I have so many blocks in my head right now. Mostly, I'm tired, can't wait to leave the house after he goes to sleep.

 

Even though he is not abusive, he is still just not there for me because he can't. I don't have the regular give and take conversations, his interest in my day is limited or non-existent. A good friend, who is a nurse, told me there may be some things you won't get from him anymore, whether physical or emotional. I think that's true. I used to get angry and frustrated when I would come home work, and all the focus was on his needs, demands.

 

I'm sure I'm not saying anything new, but I just needed to express this. I am 49 years old and feel like I have some sort of sentence passed over my life. I guess the question is, if your partner is no longer able to give you the companionship, intimacy, and support that you need, how do you face that sacrifice and deficit in your own life?

 

I would say that regular verbal abuse littered with physical abuse (or threats of it) requires outside intervention, whether counseling or medical advice on his behavior. Your son can't intercede forever, and it's a miserable existence for you to live in that environment.

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:welcome: NORIB,

 

I'M SORRY YOU'RE HAVING A ROUGH TIME OF IT. IT'S NEVER EASY ON ANYONE, SURVIVOR OR CARETAKER. MY HUSBAND AND I CARE FOR OUR 22 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER. SHE STROKED IN FEB. 06. :(

 

LIFE HAS CHANGED DRASTICALLY FOR MOST OF US HERE. WE DO THE BEST WE CAN. :juggle: IS IT POSSIBLE FOR YOU TO GET OUT FOR SOME YOU TIME?? THAT DOES HELP. SOMETIMES THAT'S NOT EASY TO DO THOUGH.

 

I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS. :friends:

 

 

 

 

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As someone who has had a stroke and is now divorced i feel i can bring a touch of realism to the situation from the point of view of your husband.

 

You have done very well to stay around this long but the feelings of regection do not get less with the passage of time. I do not know but would guess that your husband feels very low because he is blaming himself, asking why he did nothing before, what he could have missed that was a sign of what was coming.

 

He knows he is not the man you married but i bet you he feels a lot worse than you

 

Talk to him

 

All the best

 

Mike

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I think this has to be the hardest part of being a caregiver. The caregiver wants to be able to share thier dreams, thoughts, ideas, desires and love with the person we fell in love with. We miss that and you can't get that from friends, family or by getting away for a few days. Sure you can tell other people your dreams, you're troubles, desires and anything else but it's not the same as telling the person you are in love with. For some stroke survivors, or at least in my wifes case, that desire, passion, abitily to share feelings, and her emotions are gone. Everyday is spent trying to recover things she has lost and I know it has to be draining phyically and emotionally just doing the simple things we take fo granted. Will she or any stroke survivor get them back? No one knows. I'll stick around and find out. Sure I have times when I want to leave, get away from it all, and then I think how it is for her. She can't get away from the stroke, pain, grief, or take a time out or get away. We have to grieve for what we lost and then salvage what we can and start fresh. I agree with those that say leave if it's abusive, but that doesn't mean giving up. Keep safe, stay strong and always hold onto hope, because without hope there can be no future.

 

 

Bob

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First, :( I am a 20 year survivor, and :blush: believe me, a stroke is an awful thing, and to be left by someone I love :blush: would be devastating, to say the least

Please be sure :blush: you are not asking too much as the stroke was not his fault, and the changes were not, either -

To be far to him, you should sit down with him and one more person

GOOD LUCK & please rethink your decision

June

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Hi both Donna's .... I can relate to your situation quite well as I think that part of the brain has been damaged and may never come back... I also nursed hubby through the last four years and believe me it it not easy...the frontal and parietal lobes are where the emotions take place and do change sometimes for the worse as in my hubby's case ....he also cannot control his temper when things get him frustrated and if I am near by he takes it out on me..very verbal and close to physical and when that happens I will take action I have talked to a social worker and she has suggested conselling so will probably persue that avenue...I guess as one of the other bloggers stated the person we married died, and we now have a new character to deal with, someone we probably would not have chosen, but now are living with and are having to decide where to go next.....I know that my hubby has gone very far and has improved greatly but could not live by himself as he can't make rational decisions and does know money concepts, still gets his opposites reversed especially yes and no. cooking is not great ,cleanliness and dressing awful, organizational skills terrible,so what does one do????? we still cuddle///////......I think he interperts things different different and jummps to premature conclusions which makes for issues..hope this helped to know of others in same situation : :uhm: :Tantrum: :hug: I am confused too

 

 

SHOULD BE DOES NOT KNOW MONEY CONCEPTS....THINKS 5,000 IS LOTS FOR DIFFERENCE WHEN IT SHOULD BE 15,000 INSTEAD.. JUST A SAMPLE :2cents:

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As someone who has had a stroke and is now divorced i feel i can bring a touch of realism to the situation from the point of view of your husband.

 

You have done very well to stay around this long but the feelings of regection do not get less with the passage of time. I do not know but would guess that your husband feels very low because he is blaming himself, asking why he did nothing before, what he could have missed that was a sign of what was coming.

 

He knows he is not the man you married but i bet you he feels a lot worse than you

 

Talk to him. All the best Mike

 

Hi Mike,

 

Thank you for the reminder that however badly I may feel, my husband probably feels a lot worse. After all, I can walk out of the house and get a change of scenery, drive somewhere in the car, meet up with friends, go to the garden, all the things he used to be able to do, without giving it a second thought. He says what keeps him going is the goal of being able to walk independently, and he puts all of his energy into that and other exercises at home. For him to walk from one end of the house to the other is a painstaking, often frustrating ordeal. So, thanks for putting things into perspective. NoriB

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:( Boy, this is tough as I am a 20 year survivor, and I sometimes myself wanted out more due to my bitterness, but as the years have gone by, and when the stroke did happen, we were in a good place, so we have worked it out, which makes me a stroke survivor

June

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