HELP...very long post

[Robyn]

I don't know if there is anyone else here in a similar situation. I am in a same sex relationship. My partner had a stroke 3 weeks ago. I've looked for sites dealing with gay/lesbian issues and stroke and there is nothing. I hope y'all can help me.

 

Jane and I have been together for 3 years...we live in separate locations because of our careers. We are both academics...she has tenure at one school and I am in the process of moving, having changed jobs, and am closer to her permanent position, although she was on sabbatical when this happened and was on her farm in Colorado as this occurred.

 

Medically speaking, the MDs said it is a "mild" stroke...although I am well aware that NOTHING is mild to a stroke victim. It was left hemisphere with a few spots of mild bleeding...no big hemmorhages, but her BP was 172/117 when she went to the emergency room and they said she had vertigo and told her to go home (on a THursday), by Saturday she was COMPLETELY disoriented and paralyzed on her right side. She is regaining gross and fine motor skills rapidly (she is walking with a cane 3 weeks out and has legible handwriting...is also walking WITHOUT a cane) and her apraxia is diminishing and she's tested at the genius level re: IQ so it seems major cognitive abilities have not been impaired. She is very very tired, but I know this is normal for stroke victims. She will be discharged next Wednesday (8/16) and will go to Cape Cod where her sister/primary caregiver lives to do outpatient at Spaulding Institute...part of Mass General Hospital and one of the best for stroke rehab.

 

Because of our legal status, I am not her primary caregiver. We had discussed getting our health care proxies and other legal documents taken care of only a few short months before this occurred...the last time probably about a week before her stroke. Her family has been informing me of all the "goings on" but I don't have any voice in her care... Even though she has told me "YOU ARE MY FAMILY" and that I am her safety, her soulmate, her support...I have no responsibilities re: her affairs or her care. I feel like I am on the outside looking in...I feel helpless, hopeless, lost, guilty, angry, sad...shall I go on? She recognizes this is tough for me but we are "sucking it up" and accepting this is how it has to be for now...

 

Yesterday was the worst day ever. I had been able to stay with her at the rehab hospital for about 11 days but my job obligations (new job here...can't *beep* up!!) required me to return here to get things moving forward so I could begin our semester on 8/21/06. I have basically slept in my own bed 3 times in the last month so I'm still surrounded by boxes...and I pick up my kids from their summer visitation with their father next week so I have TONS going on for me now. Yesterday was awful because I had to leave her a few days ago and it was tough for me emotionally. I asked Jane how she wanted to maintain contact and support because I was "told" by her sister who is her primary caregiver that my primary job is Jane...to love and support her and nothing else...OK...I can live with that. So Jane said she wanted to speak once a day, right before dinner. Not what I thought would be a good time but I accepted it was what she wanted. Her exhaustion is at its peek at that time. I left her Thursday, yesterday, on Saturday morning, she left a message on my voice mail saying "I need space...talking with you every day doesn't give me that. I want to talk once a week or every other week...I hope that's OK...I'll talk to you in about a week..." Needless to say I was devasted but called her back (cell phone was off) and said, I'll do what you need me to do because I want you to get better, but I want to touch base with you to check in with you and how you are feeling about things...please, if you can, call me back. NOTHING...

 

Before this we were INCREDIBLY close...connected at the microcellular level if you know what I mean...I could know what was bothering her by the tone in her voice or a subtle look. We had just spent a long, luxurious romantic week together before this occurred. When I first arrived at the rehab about a week post stroke, she said she loved me but did not feel the connection between us. By the end of the first week, she said she felt the connection returning. By the beginning of the following week she told me she had been "reconsidering" her need for independence and wanted to talk about moving closer to me once she got past the worst of the recovery. We continually discussed being present and staying in the moment we had RIGHT NOW so she could do her job to get better. I told her I was there for her FOREVER...I wasn't going anywhere and that we could surmount ANYTHING as long as we continued to talk...things would return and reconnect for us when they were meant to happen. The day I left...lots of I love you's and warmth... Now I feel lost and isolated from her...

 

I don't know what I'm looking for...support?...answers?...understanding? I love this person more than life itself... I'm struggling to find support right now...if I were her spouse, I feel like her family would be more THERE for me...offering ME support. Not one person has said "Robyn, how can I support you?" I have been forthcoming with that for them as I recognize they will be her primary caregivers and the better they are supported, the better JANE is supported... I've tried to be an emotional and physical support...I know money was tight for the sister so I helped by paying for meals, massages, even the room at the hospitality house she is staying in ($10/night so I paid for her 3 week stay anonymously so she wouldn't feel obligated to pay me back). Other money I lent her I will not accept repayment for as the sister gave up income to care for Jane and is also investing in a handicapped accessible bathroom (her elderly mother lives there too) so it will be costly... All I wanted to hear was one person say "Robyn...you must be going through a tough time...how can I support YOU..." I feel like persona non grata.

 

Then I got stupid and called someone who I thought would be a support but I momentarily forget she functions as Jane's therapeutic support. We were friends before, I thought, but now she has told me to take care of myself emotionally and that she would not talk to me again in the future about this... I feel like one moment of reaching out and needing some support has created an insurmountable breech here as well...

 

If you've gotten this far reading this...thank you...any advice, words of wisdom or support would be welcome. I'm feeling pretty lonely right now. Imagine, care givers and loved ones, that someone basically told you the person you love most in the world...your spouse or boy/girlfriend...you'd have no voice in caring for that person... I feel like I am in a plastic bag, fighting to breath and get out...I feel alone and trapped...

[larrymm]

Hi Robyn,

 

Welcome to the site. There may be no-one in your exact situation here, but there are many threads on here about many of the issues you raised in your post. I have read about people being very close but not having the medical stuff done or not being married and the heartache that brings. I have read about survivors changing their emotions (being in love, not being in love, crying, not crying, etc.). What you need to remember is that, while things have changed for both of you, life still goes on for both of you. It's just different now (I know, easy to say). I really feel for you. You may have felt a little "on the outside looking in" before, but there is nothing like a medical crisis to bring everyone's feelings to the surface. You must have it hard. But, as I said, there will be many others on here who can relate to at least a part of what you said (or most or maybe all of it!), so I wouldn't be too surprised to get other replies in a short while. Just hang in there and do the best you can in this difficult situation.

 

Larry

Stroked on 5/21/2003

Grew up on Cape Cod but now living near St. Louis

[Robyn]

Thanks Larry...I appreciate your words. I know things are changing...I'm really working to be open to those changes. And I'm working to help my life move on...I just feel like her stroke AND her family have basically taken her away from me...it feels awful and all I want to do is to do ANYTHING to support and help her get better...I feel like they won't even let me do that for her...

 

BTW...I live in Edwardsville, IL...so we are pretty close geographically it seems.

 

Thanks for your warm words and support...it helps...

[arogers]

Robyn,

 

How sad for you. We don't know exactly how stroke affects the brain - much as we know, there are still some things that are a mystery - much like life itself.

 

Emotions are often affected - and can be without cognitive skills being affected. Looking at Jane on the outside is completely different that getting a bird's eye view of the brain. My husband doesn't seem to want me out of his sight - this almost two years out from stroke. I've read just the opposite and some people are in between or not affected in this way at all.

 

As difficult as this time is for you, you know you don't have any control over the situation. I can tell you how important it is for you to be busy - and Lord knows you will be with a new job - but it isn't much solace to you.

 

I don't know why God allows us to experience pain - anymore than I know why He provides us with joy. We may think we deserve one and not the other - but I'm not sure we deserve either!! For me, the pain I feel helps me grow stronger. Maybe that's what it's all about - providing us with experiences allowing us to learn something we can use to help another???

 

I did read your whole post - and I'm glad this is a place where you can come to share your experiences. Like Larry, I haven't been where you are, but that doesn't mean I don't hurt for you, or that I can't offer to you any support I can - even if it's to listen to you. Time is the great healer - and in the meantime, it'll be one day at a time. Remember, you have your life, too. Let the dust settle a little bit, and as Jane gets better and stronger her attitude may change and her desire for communication may return.

 

Warmly,

[Robyn]

Thanks Ann...I really appreciate your words of support. Emotionally in some ways she is there...and feels it when I AM with her. But being out of sight is much too difficult for her to manage right now. Its just hard to go from being the most important person in her life to being told the best way to help her is to give her space and to leave her alone...my head is spinning trying to understand what that means... Is this the permanent state...is it "just for now" during the initial healing process? Her words and actions earlier this week when we were together belies it is permanent but will she vascillate like this all the time?

 

We both talked a lot about what we learned about ourselves in this process as well as how this strengthened and helped us to learn alot about each other, too. Keeping my distance is hard but I know this is part of my life lessons...learning to be more present in THIS moment and dealing with THIS MOMENT, not the hypotheticals ahead of me, or the aching for the things I already miss terribly.

 

I just want to scream...I wish none of this happened!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know in reality that's not possible and screaming it doesn't help...but having said it here, letting it out now helps to keep me in the moment I am in now...

 

Thanks for listening. I think her desire to talk WILL return but she's going through a tough transition...getting ready to be discharged...facing lots of uncertainties and being dependent on her family which doesn't make her comfortable. She is accepting it so I must also... So when things are more stable for her upon discharge, that should help her out. Plus I plan on seeing her in Cape Cod in the end of September...making face to face contact should help her as well.

 

I'm trying to just absorb as much as I can right now...support, information, positive energy...

 

Thanks all again!

[bstockman]

Hi Robyn, A stroke, no matter how mild leaves behind some type of damage. The first few months I was so physically tired even after mild exercise or "thinking"

 

Your brain is trying to heal from an attack, you are trying to "re-learn" and you are trying to function at a daily level.

 

Sometimes you are trying to hide the damage and act as normal as you can. There is Emotional Liability. there are some postings on it, or you may want to look it up also.

 

Depending on what areas of the brain, and what cells etc.. well you know about that. I know for awhile I did not feel "physically" attractive. It took awhile to realize and accept I would have a limp, some cognitive deficits, but I am still me.

It also too all my physical and emotional ability to function on recovery for awhile.

 

I learned to prioritize my energy. To not push to the point of getting over tired.

 

There are some posts on relationships on the board.

Can you go visit on a weekend and take her out for the day, to a park where you can sit and talk, maybe sometype of picnic lunch.

 

Just to kind of give you an idea.. My husband and I went grocery shopping, our bank is in the same store, so he went to the bank and said go ahead and start shopping I'll be there in a couple minutes. We always started down a certain way... so I wasn't afraid , he caught up with me... he said theres nothing in the cart.. I couldn't make a simple decision to pick out a package of meat and put it in the cart. That was 3 yrs ago.. I also get a little panicky if I am in a BIG store and I can't find the person I am with ... yet I can shop alone.

 

Are you able to talk to the sister that is the caregiver? Maybe you can call twice a week or every other day and check in with her.

 

If it was a mild stroke, Jane may come back to the point she can be independent again. I am medically retired. but I am home alone. I drive, I do light cleaning, laundry and cook meals. Maybe send a little card with a note inside, once a week.

 

Welcome to the site

Bonnie

[Amy E]

Hi Robyn-

 

I can only comment from the survivors perspective. When I was in the in-patient rehab hospital, I cried most of the time execpt when I was in therapy. The slightest thing would set me off- a kind note from a friend, a bouquet of flowers, and sometimes just my husband's voice on the phone. Perhaps she wants to avoid contact to save herself some of this emotional overflow. I would check out some of the posts on Emotional liability.

 

Hang in there, it may be another few months before her head starts to clear. :cheer:

[jriva]

 

Robyn,

 

Is there any chance that Jane is pushing you away a little bit because she is concerned about you and your health/stress level? Maybe she's got things kind of twisted out of shape and figures you would be better off without having to worry about her? It's not common, but some survivors do push away the ones they love the most, thinking they've some how let everyone down by getting sick.

 

As suggested up above, she may also just be too over-whelmed with everything on her plate right now and truly does need not to deal with all the changes all at one time. If I was you, I'd do as she wishes for month or so and faithly keep to a schedule of calls until she is ready for you to step them up. I'd also call the sister/caregiver mid way between the calls to Jane each week. It can't hurt to build up a better relationship with her and get the medical side of Jane's progress at the same time. Throw in a few letters or cards, too, so she'll have visual reminder that you are still there when she needs you.

 

Jean

 

The topics on Emotional Liablity mentioned above are in the Classic Postings and Advice forum.

 

Sorry you have to go through this without the support you need. Hopefully, that will chance now that you've found this site.

 

Jean

[lisas]

Hi Robyn, :chat:

 

I will pray for you and your situation. It's very hard when anyone close to us has a stroke or any other medical condition that somehow changes the people we were. My daughter had a stroke on 2/17/06. She is 22. It was massive and everyday is a blessing. I'm glad to hear the stroke was mild. That is a good sign.

 

Is there a support system in your family, with your friends, or your church?? If so, depend on them right now also to help you through this. Also, this sight has very good people to listen, give advice, and comfort you. :cheer: It helps me alot. Just to know other people are dealing with what you are on some level. Maybe not exactly the same, but alot of the same issues.

 

I agree with Jean. If you can contact the sister more often for updates, it would keep you connected. Be patient. Time will heal things. We have ups and downs, but we still push forward. Good Luck. :Good-Luck:

[Guest MelBaker]

Hi Robyn!

And welcome - you mat not find someone here who is in the exact situation that you are, BUT I know that you will find a lot of support, great information, and lots of virtual hugs :hug:

 

Speaking as a survivor who was also a college professor, I can express to you that some things become very over-analyzed to the survivor....as Jean commented - "Is there any chance that Jane is pushing you away a little bit because she is concerned about you and your health/stress level? Maybe she's got things kind of twisted out of shape and figures you would be better off without having to worry about her? It's not common, but some survivors do push away the ones they love the most, thinking they've some how let everyone down by getting sick. " While you and everyone else around her may automatically scoff at this - believe me, it is a very real feeling for us. I have done a little of that myself - lucky for me I have friends and family who are gently pulling me back out of my shell. I am glad she has retained her "intelligence" - I was not so lucky - I am now moderately cognitively impaired and have just been awarded disability from Social Security (a good thing in a lot of bad).

 

I would very highly recommend attempting to maintain contact and gently pursue a friendship with the sister. Althiugh some thinking skills are maintained, the "emotional lability" that Bonnie mentioned wil probably start kicking in hard soon, if not already. For me, this means that I have a hard time initiating conversations on the phone or even in person - e-mail has saved my life (and since I was a comp/sci prof previously, most all of my people were used to my main communication being electronic. Keep your spirits up and keep that hope alive of her return to you - everything happens for a reason and if it is meant to be, it will be. Sometimes we don't see the big picture for the small still photographs in between......

 

I wish you and yours all the best and hope that you come back and stay active on the board - sometimes juat writing things out clears them up.....and crying, ranting, and stamping your feet is expected and normal for a time - acceptance takes forever!!!!! Start a blog and keep that online journal as a jewel for you to go back and uncover when you feel like no progress has been made - you'll see where you have been and where you are now - it helps!

 

:hug: :welcome: :party: This may not help but my personal philosophy is: that he/she only gives you as much as you can stand - but some people can stand more than they think so they get a little more to compensate and help out those who really can't withstand the storm of life. Hope that some kind of sense.

 

PM me if you need anything and emails are always welcome. I'm a little bit slower since my second stroke two weeks ago but I will get back to you :cheer: :hug: Take care!

[fking]

Robyn,

You have gotten some great responses from my fellow members above. No doubt your plate is full and there are many decisions to be made and actions to be taken. The hard part about that is for every action there is a reaction.

 

I welcome you as a close friend of your friend and possible caregiver in days to come. I just hope your relation can remain in tact and you can maintain your job and studies without too many interruptions, and your friend make a great recovery from her stroke.

 

You did have a long introduction post, but at my age I'm slow, but I read it all and I can see you are well educated. I wish I had ideas, solutions or answers to your case, but being a bleed survivor myself, it has been rough on me.

 

You have my support, wasn't able to give you any answers, but I certainly understand where you are coming from and where you desire to go. So, read around the board, some answers are bound to get your attention and answer some of your questions.

[Robyn]

I'm sitting here in tears...you guys are the BEST! I am feeling better today, and now, than yesterday...if yesterday was a 100...now I'm feeling like I'm at a 95! My mantra is "focus on the good things"...the giggling I love you's before I left...the terms of endearment we shared...the desire to move closer to me, knowing she can't just do it all any more. We both realized this is a wakeup call to our lives.

 

Is it possible she is pushing me away because she's worried about me...YES...absolutely...that's already been said. She knows I just moved, this is a new job, I'm getting my kids back in a week to begin the school year, and I just finished about a year and a half of my OWN hell. She has reminded me to stay on my depression meds, which I had already decided. I was weaning myself off...decided after yesterday not to go there! I offered to have her come here because I have the space and I'm near Barnes-Jewish in St. Louis (#8 for strokes/neurology) but all the red flags went up because of the changes I'm going through. I have, for the most part, been able to relinquish my guilt for not being the primary caregiver. My biggest concern right now is just not feeling in the loop and not feeling able to do ANYTHING for her.

 

As for her sister...until now I have felt that I had a good relationship with that sister although I was closer to her other sister to some degree. The problem is that she and I are very much alike...very strong, very opinionated, and very protective of Jane. The irony for me, and for Jane is that this sister is probably her least close sibling (and for years the bane of her existence) but is the sister best suited to care for her as she is a special education teacher, is tapped into the therapeutic market on Cape Cod and is a short drive from Spaulding where Jane will do outpatient. Jane is making peace with it and even though I know the history between them, I am trying to do so as well. It is VERY hard for me but I'm trying, and she recognizes that I've swallowed a lot in the interest of getting her better. As she said...it is what we have to do for now...

 

I tend to think that it is just too much for her to deal with all at once. She has always been great about comparmentalizing things and right now "working on our relationship" and getting better is more than she can deal with...I get that...I'm OK...and I think as I typed that it was the first time I could say that without my body resisting the words/sentiment...I feel like I am finally internalizing it. The compartmentalization is old ground between us...we had progressed past this BUT I suspect it is comfortable familiar ground and as long as I give her the space she needs she will ease back out of this again as we gently try to work on this together.

 

I will see her probably end of September so that will give her over a month of adjustment. I will send her cards regularly and plan on sending her a fax through her case manager tomorrow, letting her know I love her, I am OK with what she wants and telling her not to worry about me. Without giving TMI (too much information), as I sat with her Wednesday evening, she made a comment implying something sexual...and I smiled and told her it was something we'd deal with when the time is right...but not before then. It wasn't an inappropriate comment...just an inference about what she'd rather be doing than sitting in a hospital bed! But her desire is there...and I've told her I find her attractive and I love her and none of that has changed... I think I'm realizing her response to me to need more space wasn't about ME but about what SHE needed and that makes me feel a lot better. I still have a ways to go LOL!!! but I feel better.

 

I will look up the posts on Emotional Liability. It sounds interesting. Jane is pretty healthy emotionally and spiritually and we had a very healthy emotional/spiritual relationship so we have the tools we need within our relationship to make this work. Our relationship is the envy of many of our friends, gay and straight, so I know we can get through this as she gets healthier.

 

thank you thank you...a thousand thank you's to all of you. I can feel the love right now and it is greatly appreciated!! :wub2:

 

BTW...thanks to whomever pinned this...I really appreciate that!!! :hug:

[azrabbit]

You both sound like very intelligent women, and it seems with the past methods of dealing with stress was to compartmentalize, Jane may just be over whelmed with all that is happening to her. As a caregiver, I have often tried to imagine how I would deal with being a survivor. My husband and I have discussed this, and I feel that I would act like Jane - leave me alone and let me deal. I was so offended many times with the lack of respect Denny experienced as a patient. He was treated as if he was not the intelligent person I knew was inside. It took some pretty aggressive intervention on my part to make sure he was treated like an adult and not a child or invalid. As hard as it is, give Jane some space and give yourself some healing time as well. Be gentle with each other. Every bit of Denny's energy went to working on his recovery. Jane may be feeling the same way.

 

If her sister is a strong and powerful woman, that may be playing into her feelings right now as well. Maybe you could bring her some music that the two of you liked to listen to or books on CD. I know it was very relaxing for Denny to have his music each evening. Try to be there for her in quiet reminders. We covered his walls with photos of family and friends.

 

I am glad you found the site. It was a HUGE help to me early on and still is. Be gentle with yourself. As difficult as it is, Jane's recovery is about Jane. Just be there for her on her terms.

 

Visit the site often and read the classic posting. Sending you lots of positive energy right now!

[Robyn]

Thank you...that's what I am reminding myself...be there for her on her terms...

 

I know she loves me...I know she knows I love her...

 

I tried to reach out to both sisters today...one's cell phone was off...I left an upbeat message. The other, the primary caregiver, didn't pick up...phone went to voicemail and I left an upbeat message there as well. She hasn't called me back... I'm feeling paranoid...I'm trying to let it go...

[Robyn]

I decided NOT to send the fax message to her. I really want to honor the space she asked for and I want her to remember and trust I'll do whatever she wants and honor her wishes. I think my actions will speak louder than words. The fax would be for me, not her, so I decided against it.

 

I didn't sleep all that well but I've found when I AM asleep the nausea goes away...sigh...

 

Thanks for listening folks...I am exploring and posting on threads...I won't disappear any time soon. I need all of you right now!

 

Thanks!

 

Robyn

[jriva]

 

 

Robyn,

 

You would probably benefit from starting a blog here---either private or public or a combination of both. That way you can write your feelings out without being tempted to send them all to Jane. Then someday down the road a long way it will be there to share with Jane if and when she is ready to know the feelings you are going through.

 

Keeping to the schedule of contact that she asked for is a wise thing to do---be dependable and trustworthy and there when she does want more from you.

 

Jean

[Robyn]

Thanks Jean...I'm not comfortable with a public blog...some of the things I may want to say or process I don't want people to read...its private, but this morning I started a journal on my computer to process all my feelings and put them down on paper...I'll share with her one day if that is what she wants...so YES, you and I are on the same wavelength and I really appreciate your advice. My sister had similar advice and she works with brain-injured patients...mostly through external trauma but nonetheless, she has some understanding of where Jane is at right now. Plus reading through the posts from survivors has really given me some insight into what she is going through right now.

[Robyn]

A busy day but I'm feeling better. I am more than ready to accept what she needs but I am dreadfully hurt by the way her sister is treating me...that is really what is eating at me, the disintegration of what I thought was a good relationship. And because we have no legal paperwork there is nothing I can do about it. And even if I could, it doesn't help Jane anyway...it might hurt her more if I did complain. So I'm stuck swallowing this, except as I vent with friends and here...sigh...

 

Thanks...

[lisas]

Hi Robyn, :friends:

 

You may want to be patient with the sister right now . I know when my daughter had her stroke, so many people wanted to talk to me on the phone, but my priority was to stay at Rachel's bedside, 24-7. I wasn't trying to be distant, it was draining to talk on the phone. I would receive over 100 phone calls a day. Lots of caring and concerned friends and family, but when you're up all day and night worrying, you can't think straight.

 

I did finally put a message on my cell phone with updates as they came along with Rachel's progress. This helped alot. Everyone sure appreciated that. You may want to ask the sister to do the same. That way no one is in the dark.

 

I'm glad you're feeling somewhat better today. The above is only suggestions, but maybe helpful. Stroke takes a toll on everyone involved. I know your friend is going through a lot of changes too. Cognitive thinking takes a while to process after a stroke and can be a battle for quite some time. It is gradually getting better for my daughter, everyday. :Clap-Hands:

 

Keep up the good spirits. Things will get better everyday for you too. Time heals all. You're in my prayers. :hug:

 

 

 

 

[Robyn]

Thanks Lisa...that helps. I know she is tired and that's why I tried very hard to be a support for her while I was there. I'm trying...really trying... I'm trying not to think the worst but I'm feeling very vulnerable right now which I'm sure is contributing to my overly sensitive emotions...

 

Thank you for your prayers and thoughts! :hug: I can't imagine how I'd feel if my daughter was ill like that. :friends:

[Robyn]

MMMM...I ate a decent lunch...nausea is subsiding...still exhausted.

[jwatrous]

As I mentioned before, I am not in your shoes, but being a stroke survivor for 20 years, I would see a lawyer to see what your rights are here, as you do have them, so check it out and give your partner a second chance - she's devasted, learning how to cope, and having to deal with her family, who don't seem to approve of you, sorry

GOOD LUCK

June, from CT

[Robyn]

Thanks June...I will in time if necessary. I'm trying to take a different attitude about things and give them some space and time as I understand it is overwhelming to be a caregiver. It still hurts but I'm trying to be the bigger person right now. Jane is well enough to speak up for herself and I think as we talk more and more I will get the info I need, assuming all is constant with her. I just got off the phone with her mom...and I informed her I'd be calling her about once a week in between my calls with Jane to check in on Jane's progress and she had NO issues with that...she said "OF COURSE!!" So I feel a bit better and hopefully I was just overreacting to a very tough situation when I was in a very emotional state. I told her I wanted to do everything I can to support them so hopefully that message will get across.

 

As for giving my partner a second chance...NO PROBLEM THERE! I've told her I'm here forever for her and I expected to spend the next 300 years with her...!!! She knows I'm there for her...and based on conversations we had last week, I know she loves and wants to be with me but can't cope with healing and getting herself back up to speed right now along with maintaining our relationship. There have been times when she's had to retreat to do things to take care of herself emotionally and spiritually and she's always said, "Even if I have to go away for awhile to take care of myself, I always return to you!" Which she has done, so I am trusting in that until she tells me otherwise!!

 

It is amazing what time, journaling, and cyberchatting with some very wise people can do for one's attitude!!!

 

Thanks to all of you for helping me stay sane in a very crazy time!!!

[pprovost]

Dear Robyn,

I was extremely moved by your post. Before my stroke I was a fiercely independant person. After my stroke it was painfully difficult for me to ask for help. I felt like a terrible burden on my family. At some point someone told me that when I refused help I was hurting the person offering it because I was not allowing them the pleasure of offering kindness. I have never forgot that insight and this has tempered the ugly rage of feeling angry at what I had lost physically. But, I had not lost everything..... There is life after the storm of the first months post stroke. When loved ones realize that Jane is the focus of the turmoil. You all have this in common. Compromises will be made as long as there is respect.

 

I wish you well in this adventure,

 

 

keep in touch,

Pat

[bstockman]

Hi Robyn, Glad you talked to Jane's mom, it is an emotional time for everyone. Seems like things are settling down. Being there in a "subtle way" right now may be the best move.

 

It is hard to know what is going thru a survivors mind, it is kind of overwhelming, and you keep checking to see what you can remember and do.. I think it is kind of self focused at this point, and trying to take it all in, trying to "do daily things" and re learn, accept and adjust.

 

It is really unbelievable how exhausting this is for awhile. I couldn't even focus or follow what was going on in a TV show. Sometimes when people would talk to me, if the sentences were to long, I lost my train of thought. Or by the time I thought of the words to answer they didn't come out right. This gets better with time. I don't think Jane is "pulling away" I think right now she is focused on daily living and healing. Emotions will come back...

Don't forget to take care of yourself.. you dont want to be a basket case.. or get ill. Take one day at a time. and know we are here for you too. ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) Bonnie