Is this possible??

[markus29]

I am a stroke survivor not a caregiver but I need a caregivers perspective. I have only been married for 6 months and my marriage is on the line right now. I have read many posts about emotional liability on the survivors side but do caregivers have it also?? Let me explain what I mean. I stroked Sept of 2005 my husband (then fiance') was there for me every step of the way. I feel very blessed to have a man who didn't just walk away. My deficits are minimal (cerebellar stroke) with no paralysis but I still have trouble with balance and vision. We don't go out any more because of his work schedual (we used to go out atleast every other week dancing with friends at the bar)

 

My husband took over everything as far as financially and has always told me I don't need to work until I am ready. In the mean time he is working 70 weeks 6 days a week. I know he is tired and is stressed out on being the main bread winner in our family. I help with what I can (I babysit and bring in about 200.00 a month plus 400.00 per month in child supprt) I feel I am ready to go back to work but due to a situation beyond our control we were left with one car and with the summers in Arizona being so hot I have not really looked into getting a new job. We both get so angry for no reason. We both say things at the spur of the moment and usually say things we don't mean or shouldn't have said at all. I also had a miscarriage in March and I feel that that may be an issue also. Not that anyone is putting the blame but more like I don't think he has really greived yet over the loss and also may feel a bit guilty that he is glad it happened as he would rather this happen then the possibility of something happening to me during pregnancy or birth. He has gone from a very caring man who would do anything for me to a man who is very self centered and wants things his way. It seems like he is in a me me me mode now and and it doesn't matter what I feel.

 

The sexual side of our marriage has changed also. We have both changed in this. (Sorry for being so blunt on this and I hope I am not offending anyone) Sex has always been fantastic and still is but I feel like he is just going thru the motions at time. I have gained about 50 pounds since the stroke and I hate the "physical" person I have become. He is always telling me it doesn't matter and that some day I will be back to where I used to be but I can't stop worrying that he is not attracted to me in the way he used to be. There are times when I just don't want to do anything because I am more worried about his lack of sleep than wanting to get it. Not to mention sometimes I think it is a one sidded desire and when I want to initiate it I feel guilty about trying as I know he is tired and needs his rest. (he get up at 3 am and is usually in bed by 8:00 or 9:00 pm). On top of it I can no longer take birth control and am always worried about the possibility of getting pregnant again. (I am 41) We have discussed the options of both getting my tubes tied and his vasectomy and had agreed that he would be the one to have the procedure as he did not want me to go thru any more than I have already been thru. (He was worried about my health) But to this day an appointment has not be set to have it done. I guess I am rambling but I am really upset in all that has changed in him. I am by no means saying I have not changed also but not to the degree that he has. He is a totally different person now. If anyone has any input in this I would really appreciate it as we are on the verge of a divorce and he has moved out of the house.

 

Thank you for your help

 

 

[jriva]

I have read many posts about emotional liability on the survivors side but do caregivers have it also??

 

To answer your question up above, no, caregivers can't get Emotional Liability because that is a stroke related problem due to damage in the brain. Caregivers can, however, get stressed-out and overly tired to the point that you can think straight or problem solve very well, get crabby and bitchy. We also have to deal with our own depression due to the changes the stroke brought into our lives and the issues of accepting the losses of our futures as we preceived them to be. Between all the hours your husband works, your stroke, the miscarriage you've both had a lot on your plates to deal with.

 

Getting couples counseling is probably the only way the you two are going to sort out all the issues between you and, in my opinion, it's your best hope for getting your marriage back on track. The least that could happen, after giving it your best try in couples therapy, is that you'd be able to find acceptance easier should the marriage end in divorce.

 

I'm so sorry you have to go through this!!!!

 

 

Jean

[arogers]

Hello,

 

I agree with Jean. You and your husband should find a counsellor specializing in couples. The first year of marriage is difficult in and of itself - through a serious illness and a miscarriage in the mix and you really have difficulty.

 

 

You'll never know all of the issues in your situation without communication. A counsellor can help you with the issues, be them your illness, finances, birth control - any or all of it - through communication.

 

I hope you will be able to work things out with your husband!

 

Warmly,

[Robyn]

I think Couples counseling will definitely help. Find someone you both like and respect and try to work those issues out. I think the love is there between you but you have to learn how to adjust to the changes. I know I have that ahead of me as my partner just stroked 3 weeks ago and is retreating a little from me to just take care of herself. I'm certain things will change, or have regressed a bit, but I also know she and I have always talked and worked through all our issues so we have the building blocks to make this work. We've been together for 3 years...you are only working on one year and still are trying to learn the ups and downs of a relationship that HASN'T had to deal with a stroke and miscarriage...you've just tripled the stress level!!!

 

:hug: If you both are willing to keep an open mind, you can get through this!

[jwatrous]

First, sorry for all this mess -

How can you expect to patch things up if he's moved out?

Sounds like you both need a good counselor to save this marriage, and it can be saved, but try to get him home to talk, not yell, and see if he'll agree to go counselling with you. Take one step @ a time, first step - get him home - you can't help you had a stroke, but try to ignite more passion by doing what comes natural, dressing sezy -

The fact he stayed after stroke shows good character, but don't forget this man is very tired from working, left only to blow off steam - he loves you, so he'll be back

GOOD LUCK

June :Clap-Hands: :cheer:

[Guest MelBaker]

Hi Ruth - and welcome - I , too am a survivor but I am sure that many of the caregivers that we have here will offer you suggestions as wel.

My first response to you is to say, I'm glad you found us and hope u come back - we may not be ablr to help in every situstion but we can always offer moral support and virtual hugs. I am very sorry that you are having t go through this on top of the recuperation from your stroke. Your feelings are very normal - I've had the same ones. I am sorry to hear that things have progressed to the point of where he has moved out - have you discussed counseling or are either one of you in counseling at the moment? I would counsel that as a first step.

 

Also, it may just be thatyour caregiver does need a break - as one of our well-known mentors says: "Caregiving is not for sissies!" It takes a toll on them almost as much as it does us. my husband literally took off and disappearred for two days to regain some sanity for himself (and get a little golf in!) :big_grin: Since then things have definately calmed down and he feels better about blowing off steam - if you put yourself in his shoes, you can probably imagine the worry, stress and fear that are hanging with him each day ....Just my :2cents:

 

So you may want to start by suggesting some counseling - go by yourself if he won't go with you.! Then suggest maybe a guys weekend or something like that - though since he's already out he may already be in the decompressing stage from shock/grief/fear/stress/worry......give it time - everything is new again and it will take a long time to adjust on all levels..

I wish you the best - PM me if I can help or if you just need someone to rant to.....

Keep your chin up, I know it's hard, but this too shall pass and I believe that we are never given any more than you can handle (and sometimes we are given more so as to spare someone else who is a little less strong)

[swilkinson]

I know as a caregiver I have changed. When Ray came home from hospital I had Mum and Dad move in also. Dad who had cancer and died four months later was caring for Mum who has Alzheimers and was stressed out. I took everyone's problems under one roof!!

 

At first I coped okay and was quite pleasant. Then I had a feeling that everything was slipping out of control. Dad used to call out in the night so I got up frequently to him, Mum would wander off and I would have to go fetch her. Ray was nothing like the man he used to be and add therapy and other chores he did and I was tired to the point of exhaustion. The stress load and the physical work load between them made my life unbearably hard. In the end I could only use two word sentences eg :"Everyone eat." "Get going." Wash up" etc.

 

Luckily a friend who is in a job which involves caring for the elderly saw what was going on and started organising some time off for me, a day at Daycare for Mum and Dad, some sitters for Ray and I got control back again. From then on I learned to take regular breaks and never got back to that black abyss. There is a stage called brown out before total burn out and I was there.

 

I agree with the couples counselling. One of the things you may need to do is look at the person you are now and say what you want to happen. We all change and Ray isn't anything like he was when we married but I have managed to live with the person he is now. That is what you and your husband need to discover. Can you live with the person he is now and you are now?

 

Sue.

[markus29]

June

 

We are BOTH going. And thanks to everyone else who suggested counseling. We had talked about it before but never did anything about it. Now we both know we need it. I also had him read this thread which I think helped him to understand how I was feeling.

[kkholt]

Hi Ruth,

 

One thing I noticed - from a caregiver perspective, is that when things aren't going well in our relationship, I'm easy to point the finger at Rob - and the stroke - and blame that for why things aren't going well.

 

I don't like my attitude when this happens, and have to work at bringing it around and looking at my part in the issues -- I have to work at not blaming issues as "the stroke's fault".

 

Glad to hear you are going to a counselor - hope things work out for you.

 

-Karen

[Guest MelBaker]

Hi Ruh 1

Thanks for the update and I am so glad to hear that you both are going to counseling :Clap-Hands: :Clap-Hands: :Clap-Hands: :Clap-Hands: :Clap-Hands: :Clap-Hands: :Clap-Hands: :Clap-Hands:

Remember though, that if that breaks down, I would immediately get counseling just for you - you may want to do that anyway.

It's hard - very hard - I know from experience - My new hubby and I were married on 10/29/05 and I stroked on 323/06 - I get really *beep* off when I think about it - we didn't even get 6 months of "normal marriage" before our world was torn apart....

:2cents: start making a list now of all the things you want to go over so that when you get there you aren't put on the spot - the more specific the better.....

Like Sue's hubby - mine teeds my blogand my postings to get an idea of what is going through my head.....it hel ps immensely - I email him also....icommunication, communication, communication :secret: :yadayada: :Good-Luck: and :Yawn: :Zzzz:

[chrisratty]

Mel, just reading your post above, we are in a simular situation...Trev & I married on 6th August '05 & he stroked on 17th Nov '05, so we had 3mths of "normal" married life before the stroke & I agree what you are saying...you need to keep on talking & talking those feelings through...& we do do that even though he's still waiting to come home.

 

chris xx

[Robyn]

I agree Karen...it is easy to blame the stroke...much harder to realize the baggage we bring to the table and how that might affect our partner/spouses. Even if there wasn't a stroke involved, it is easier to say "It's YOUR fault" than "Its MY fault". Both parties need to own what they bring to the relationship and be willing to work on them if you want a relationship to work.

 

I'm working on this for myself now...

[markus29]

I am glad to see I am not in the same boat here. "Normal" marriages are hard enough to get used to but throw in a stroke and it is even harder. I try not to blame anything on the stroke even though I know at some times I do. We loose a big part of ourselves and it is up to us to make what we have now work. I guess in some ways I was lucky that he even still wanted me after the stroke. We were able to spend some time together this weekend and that helps but it is so hard to say goodbye. Being married and living is seperate houses is a hard thing to do but there are reasons why we have to do it this way. We both have kids and we can't pull them out of school right now. I also went back on my depression meds and I think that is helping me to keep my mind straight, definately helping me sleep a bit better. I do believe this is making me a stronger person. The whole seperation thing has made me realize what I have lost and what I have. It is easy to give up but it takes a strong person to fight for what you have and that is what I will do. If things don't work out I will know in my heart and my head that I have done all in my power to make it work. If it does work it will make us stronger. Everything in life happens for a reason and there is a reason for this, my stroke and for me being right here on this very board. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't find this site. I am very thankful for it.

[Robyn]

I'm walking beside you, even if we are on different sides...you as the survivor, me as a loving family member. If you are willing to work at it, your conscience rests peacefully! And there are beautiful rewards for leaving yourself open to love in your life!

 

:hug:

[laree]

Ruth I felt your pain and frustration in your posting.I'm so glad you made that appointment,will be thinking of you 9/02. Remember to make the most of the appointment and say everything,even jot down some things on a pad to take with you its helpfull when your there.My husband and I have been together 18 years and its odd how you can know someone so well but then something like this and you can't seem to talk about it.Your doing the best thing you can for now,remember it takes time,and you are feeling badly about yourself,I know I did too and I gained the weight and sex was the last thing on my mind at the end of the day.It will get better,will be thinking of you hang in there. Laree

[azrabbit]

Ruth, One of the hardest lessons we had to learn as a couple and especially me as a caregiver was that we had disagreements and fights before the stroke so why do we expect that after the stroke all will be smooth sailing. As a caregiver, I always felt guilty sharing my true feelings because I didn't want to add to his depressions, stress or frustration. When I realized that he needed me to be honest and share my feelings, it really helped. Glad you are both getting counseling. It really helped us and my husband is aphasic. The couselor was experienced in strokes and was so amazing at getting to the heart of what was bothering him.