Hi-- Can anyone make me feel better?

[JoeAnnTX]

Hi I came across this website desperately searching for answers to what has happened to my father. You see he had a stroke about a month ago. It was a mild stroke needless to say was still a stroke. He is 62 years old. My mother is from Thailand and not able to provide for him (educationally). I am handling the bills, getting him into rehab, and trying to get him to be independent again. He has been in rehab for 3 days now. Its been a battle. He thinks he only needs it to help him walk. He has weakness to his right side and his left eye sees double vision. His memory is a little off and he slurrs. The old dad is in there I hear him, I know he is there, but I don't see him. I don't see my father. He looks terrible, I feel terrible. I don't want to be strong anymore I just want to be 29 years old. I just want to be Daddy's little girl. I don't know what to do. I moved them from their home (Georgia) to Texas where I am staying. He is walking a lot more than expected. He does a lot more than I thougth he could do. My best friend and younger brother said he will never be the same. Is this true? Will he ever go back to his old self or at least near to it. Will he be happy again. He is so angry and negative. Can anyone tell me what to do or what to expect? What am I doing? What should I be doing? I just need some kind words and encouragement. Its so hard to be strong not only for my dad but my mom and my children ( I have a 6 and 3 year old) they are afraid of him. Thanks for letting me shed some tears. I haven't had a chance to do so in a while. I hope someone responds.....

[Amy E]

Hi-

 

First, I am sorry to hear about your father's stroke. I am sure that you will get a lot of responses and we can all tell you that your father is in the very very early stage of recovery. It is a life long process and yes for some it is quite possible to get close to your "old self" with a lot of recovery occurring in the first 6-12 months post stroke. Try to be patient w/ your father, he as been through a lot both mentally and physically.

 

Hang in there, it will get better over time.

 

:cheer:

[jwatrous]

Stroke is an awful thing, and besides having the stroke as a strike against him, his age is not on his side -

My stroke was in 1985 at age 39 :Tantrum: & I feel being young, it gave me the pep I would need to fight this awful brain insult -

Before I went home, I was told I'd never be the same, and they were right - I did make great strides in my P. T., but the stroke took away who I WAS, sorry

June

[fking]

JoAnn,

 

I'm responding to your post as will many more members here. I welcome you as daddy's little girl, all grown up now, and as his caregiver as well.

 

You'll find some great people here with personal knowledge after having family members go thru the same thing you are facing now, We are here to listen and suggest where we can from our own experiences with doctors, therapies, meds and about all the things you could possibly face with your dad.

 

Remember to log in daily if possible, to read and comment and keep us posted on his progress in his recovery. I'm 65, had a brain bleed stroke, 3 months in hospital, left side weak. Now I walk and drive.

 

He may not be 100% of how he was before the stroke, but he can and will recover. It just takes lots of time, therapy and prayers, I feel. I came home unable to walk. He's angry cause he has not accepted the stroke, but he's alive and surviving.

 

You got to stay strong, knowing he will improve every day, little by little. A stroke is like a hurricane, it hits quick and is devastating but we recover somehow, we rebuild, regroup, and somehow, we overcome, not like we were, but living.

 

We can tell you what we did individually in each case and what we expected. Remember, you are not alone, we are walking this same walk, just we started ahead of you. Some 20 years ago, but we are enjoying life after stroke.

[jwatrous]

You are really needed now, more than ever

June

[JoeAnnTX]

Thanks for responding to me. I just felt so alone. I try talking to friends and family members its just they all seem to provide words and no one really understands what I am dealing with. I am the caretaker of not just my father but my mother, my brother, two young children (my babies), and a step-son (14). My husband is on his way out the door because of the US Army. I mean so I am a busy busy person. Working full time and dealing with my emotions with my dad. I am just glad there are people who can relate to what I am feeling and that his behavior is not abnormal.

 

I will keep you all posted. I mean on a good note at least he is walking more even if it is with a walker...

 

 

[bstockman]

Dear Joe ann, Hi I am a survivor from 4/28/03. I was paralyzed on the left side, started walking with a walker, had ver little control of my arm and hand. I now walk unaided, yes quite a bit slower, and with a limp. I have 90% use of my left arm and hand. (I am clumsy with it sometimes, but it does function.

 

I drive. I cook, do laundry, Am I 100% NO, but i can live with what I have and I still have my sense of humor.

 

Your father is still in the VERY Early stages of recovery. Part of his recovery will be anger, anger at the stroke, anger at his body not responding the way it supposed to, anger at his brain ... If he stays in this anger stage too long you may want to get him some counseling, or help with medication. After anger comes acceptance.

 

The first year you will see the most dramatic recovery.. if he works at it. Recovery does not stop. I began walking better in my 2 nd yr.

 

I can shop, write checks, pay bills... I have cognitive deficits, so use calendars and POST IT NOTES...

 

If you can get him here on line, he can see, meet many survivors and how far we have progressed.

 

You will have your dad back, it just may take a little time, just like you are grieving for the loss of "your dad" he is also grieving for loss ....

 

Don't be afraid to speak with his PT or physician about this, They know how to help.

 

Try to explain simply to the little ones, that Grandpa has had an injury to his brain, and this is a difficult time for him

 

In Classic Postings on the Message Board is " A Letter From Your Brain."

 

You may want to read it, and print it for your dad to read.

 

He has had an assult, an attack. a brain injury... once you start to realize that and that it will take time and PRACTICE, REPITITION to re-learn but there is HOPE

 

(((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

 

Your

[Guest MelBaker]

Hi - welcome, glad you found us - ewe may not be able to treat you s Daddy's little girl, but we can help you work iit through a littlr bit and help with small answers.....my suggestion would be to find a coundselor to talk to if you can....noy knowing your situation , it's hard to point you in the right direction.........you are always welcome :welcome: here though!!!!! :Clap-Hands: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

[jriva]

 

 

Hi Joe Ann and welcome to Strokenet,

 

None of us caregivers on this site were prepared for the jobs that needed to be done when our spouses or parents had their strokes and we had to step up to the bat. But somehow the vast majority of us learned to cope with the situation and do our best to help our survivors heal and you can, too. But it takes time for the shock to wear off before you get your act together so try to take a deep breath and take it one day at a time.

 

The truth about your dad: no one in this world can tell you what the future holds for him, even those in the medical community and maybe least of all those in the medical community. If you spend enough time reading on this site you'll run into many stories like my husband's who was written off as "a vegetable for life" and now 6 years later he is anything but. You'll find many other stories of survivors who had every right to expect a the return to an almost normal life, but they still struggle every day with invisible deficiencies. One thing that is a sure thing---now is the time to be your dad's best advocate and fight to get him as much rehab as possible. That's your best shot at getting your dad back. Recovery often depends on having the right combination of family support, patient determination and a caring rehab center.

 

It's going to take time for your dad to come to terms with what has happened before he can move past all the anger. That anger is pretty normal this far out from a stroke. If you can find a way to help him redirect that anger into working hard at rehab that would be a good thing. Just don't expect miracles over night. Acceptance and stroke recovery takes time.

 

Jean

[cindy]

Hi JoAnn,

 

You've gotten good advice and such and I welcome you too.

 

Like you, I found this site in desperation. My husband had a stroke in Jan. 2003. He was laid out from the massive stroke and the doc.'s etc. thought he would never be able to even walk. He was completely paralyzed on his right side and didn't even know his name much less be able to speak a word.

 

Today he is driving, walking, talking much better and living as close to a normal life as possible at this point. He continues to get better all the time so recovery is still taking place. He tires easily though. What I missed the most about him in the first year or so was his personality. It was like I was living with someone I didn't know. But that has returned as well.

 

I know what you mean when you say your friends and family members don't understand. I had no one that understood what I was feeling or going through until I found this place, even though they tried.

 

I understand that no two survivors are the same and it depends on a lot of things in regards to recovering from something this devastating.

 

Take care of yourself and I'll be thinking of you.

 

Cindy

[bobby]

joanne,

 

 

 

 

i think the others replied better than i could. i am not a care giver or survivor, only a close family member, so i don't know what to say. i do know this tho. there is no such thing as a "mild" stroke.

 

 

i read up on it and it all boils down to brain damage of one kind or another. i know there are some worse than others. i have noticed in the support group i am a member of other than this one, the in person kind, that there are some ways people categotize stroke and brain damage.

 

 

 

 

not only did my cousin ( like a sis) have one, my dad and uncle did too.

i feel it could be hereditary. i am afraid that at 30 years old, i could be next. i only hope that i will have the family support that they do. it's a scary thing and so so so unknown.

 

bobby

[JoeAnnTX]

EMOTIONS ARE EVERYWHERE --

 

DAD BROKE DOWN THIS AFTERNOON DURING THERPUTIC LUNCH. IT WAS REALLY HARD WATCHING BUT I WAS VERY SUPPORTIVE. HE GOT UPSET BECAUSE HE COULDN'T REMEMBER WHAT HE ATE FOR BREAKFAST.

 

WHEN HE FINISHED LUNCH WE RETURNED TO HIS ROOM AND I QUIZZED HIM AGAIN THIS TIME OUT OF THE BLUE KIND OF WAY (ALSO BECAUSE I HAD THE MENU IN MY HAND) AND HE REMEMBER....

 

I EXPLAINED TO HIM WHAT HE DID BUT OF COURSE HE WAS A TAB BIT CONFUSED AND WAS GETTING UPSET. I LEFT IT ALONE AND TOLD HIM I WOULD BE BACK. HE WANTS MY MOM TO COME SEE HIM BUT HONESTLY SHE DOESN'T WANT TOO. SHE IS UPSET BECAUSE HE ALWAYS ASK HER FOR A CIGARETTE WHEN SHE IS THERE.

 

SHE FEELS THE PRESSURE AND WANTS TO GIVE IT TO HIM. SO INSTEAD OF BEING UPSET SHE IS STAYING AWAY... LORD PLEASE HELP ME!!!

[jwatrous]

First, sorry for your loss, as a stroke is awful at any age - Mine hit me when I was 39 :Tantrum: in 1985, and believe me to this day, I have had good recovery, but have never recouped from the fact that my left side does not work, but since its been 20 years, I'd better get used to the idea and adopt more acceptance as the sooner I do, the better I will be -

Hope to hear from you

June :cheer:

[momx3]

Hello from a fellow Texan!

 

I am just over a year post stroke. I am 37 and I have 3 kids (17, 13, 3). My stroke was due to a blood clot caused by a clotting disorder. For the first 6 months or so my speech was really bad. I would constantly run into walls because I was really unaware of my entire left side. My typing went from really good to almost non-existent. With persistance and the support and determination of my family, and of myself, I am almost 100% today.

 

You dad needs time for improvement. Like so many others have said, a month isn't very long in the world of stroke recovery. I know its hard for you, but just remember that your dad needs your encouragement, and his anger is more than likely a result of the stroke. Just recently my mom became very ill and my dad called me one morning while I was on my way to work and asked me to come by their house. I said ok, whats wrong and he began to cry because my mom was unresponsive. I went over there and when she wouldn't respond to me I became a bumbling idiot, crying and wondering why my dad asked me to come over. Because of the stroke I have no control over my emotions and cry when a leaf falls from the tree. :blush:

 

I wish you well and I will pray for your dad. From what I've seen on this board I don't think there is any tougher job than being a caregiver and I applaud you for what you are doing as hard as it may be.

 

Visit often, vent, blog, read. This really is a great site with many wonderful people to lift your spirits when you need it.

 

It's nice to meet you.

[chrisratty]

Really sorry to hear about your Father's stroke. Sending hugs at this difficult time. I can't add anymore than what the others before me have said.

 

I will say from personal experience, things DO get better. My darling husband stroked 17th Nov.05 & it's been a difficult 11mths but he is getting there slowly. He was only 59yrs young & yes, it has changed his life forever...but he is a surviver & we are trying to look forward at what he'll do in the future it's a new & yes an exciting journey at times.

 

So carry on visiting this site & we will help & support your family as much as we can.

 

chris xx

[swilkinson]

JoeAnn, tell your Mum to leave the cigarettes in the car or at home when she goes to visit your Dad in the hospital and then she can say:"Sorry, honey, none on me." I know he needs to see her more than he needs the cigarettes. And his need of the cigarettes will fade too.

 

Life after a stroke is not better or worse, it is just different. Slowly both the survivor and family learn to cope with the new normal. People in the family adjust to having to help the survivor make a new life.

 

Your Dad's memory may improve, his brain is still "shell shocked" by what has happened so maybe he is not thinking clearly. And there are a lot of things going on as part of his rehab that makes him confused about what day it is, what is going on and what he had for breakfast. Tell him to go easy on himself and just live one day at a time.

 

Being any age and seeing a parent ill, distressed or altered for one reason or another is not easy. At one time I had both my parents and my husband home from hospital after major strokes all dependent on me and it was hard. But it does make us stronger, more compassionate and in a way wiser for the experience. You will be much more mature than those of a similar age, and that is one good thing that comes out of all that is happening to you right now.

 

Glad you found this site and allowed us to be a part of your struggle.

 

Sue.

[lisas]

:welcome: JoAnn,

 

I'm very sorry to hear of your fathers stroke. It does take some time to relearn some of the things your father is dealing with.

 

My daughter Rachel, stroked on 2/17/06. She is 22. Everyday is a learning experience. She is slowly learning to walk again, speak new words, and grasp the reality of what has happened.

 

I will pray for you and your family. I'm sure it's very difficult on your mom with the pressure. Maybe the docs can explain that it wouldn't be beneficial to smoke right now.

 

Hang in there and PM anytime if you like. Visit often, and search the forums for answers. Come to chat group when you can. Schuedule posted above. :big_grin:

[4mom]

Hi Joe Ann. Welcome to the scariest roller coaster you will ever ride, The Evil Stroke!

 

My mom stroked at the age of 55 and her stroke was a brain stem stroke. Her stroke stripped away everything from the ability to walk, talk, breathe and swallow. She basically lost it all. It has been almost 2 years. The longest 2 years of my life. My mom is/was my best friend. It is so hard to accept that your parents have changed. I would give anything to get my mom back. Doesn't it seem odd that you grieve for someone who is still here? I am her care taker and she is unable to do anything for herself. SHe has a feeding tube and cathater, she needs to be turned every 2 hours to prevent bed sores. I also have 3 kids twin 6 year olds and a 4 year old. It is a hard job taking care of everyone. It is hard spreading yourself out to give everyone enough time. My mom and my son were so close when mom had her stroke. He was only about 2 when it happened and he was scared of her at first as well. Now he is what keeps her going. I love it. He can make her smile when no-one else can. It hurts her watching him grow up and having to lay there and watch it happen. I tell her she plays in her own way. He loves her to death and now grandma is normal to him. He climbs in bed with her, rides on her chair and he is always trying to feed her. They are trouble together. I really think your kids will come around. Just don't force it let it happen at thier own pace.

My mom has changed so much to. She can be very demanding mostly to me. When my brothers or sisters are here she asks alot less from them. She feels the most comfortbale with me. I am 28 soon to be 29 just like you. I admire you taking care of your father. I truly know how hard it is. My best advice is try to keep your emotions away from your father. I get upset with my mom sometimes but I never let her see it. I know how horrible she already feels I will not add to it. It gets hard sometimes keeping my feelings in check. Somedays I just want to scream what about me, what about what I need??????????? That is when I turn my head close my eyes and scream inside. I tell myself she did not ask for this and did not deserve this. I know she would rather be doing for herself than having me do it. I am just thankful she is still here fighting for me.

You have a long road ahead of you with lots of ups and downs. I wish your husband didn't have to leave you so soon. I am sure you could really use his support. I don't know what I would do without mine. I think one of the heardest things for us was feeling so isolated. When mom was in the hospital there were so many people around, but when she came home everyone dissapeared. Friends, family all gone. There were no support groups in our area and we were on our own. I found this site looking for research on accupuncture. It was a life saver for me. I found it when I was at one of my lowest points. I was filled with anger and greif and it helped me through it. Now I find less time to get on the site as I am so busy, but it has meant alot to me. There is so much support and knowledge from the people that know the best.

 

Love and prayers

Ruth

[jwatrous]

:Clap-Hands: You are doing it all, and you are to be congratulated for all your work, but please know that you are loved, but this person is so focused on getting better, making you feel loved, has been put on the back burner, but without you, this person would be lost :blush: , so please don't ever feel you are not needed or loved

June :friends:

[JoeAnnTX]

Hi Everyone!

 

Well here is the update.. Dad was released from the Rehab center. He and mom are both back at my house and conducting in-home rehab. I thought things were improving until Mom flipped her wig. In addition to Dad constantly trying to figure out how to get on a plane back to Georgia. Mom is disrespecting me cursing me and complaining that I am trying to run things. HENCE I have been taking care of everything since I checked him out of the hospital 14 days after his Stroke. Got him in a rehab center; paid all his finances at home; etc. BUT you know I am "trying" to be the boss. I am so freaking over it. I am to a point that you know I did what I can and now its on you twot o survive on your own -- don't call me; don't ask me for assistance -- if you can't read it then oh well. You don't need me anymore.

 

I am so disgusted that they more so my mother has the nerve to reverse this entire ordeal onto me like I am trying to kill my father off and take over what little they have. WHATEVER. I have my own family, house, cars, kids, life. I am doing what other children wouldn't even do. BUT does anyone see this NOOOO!

 

I just want to vent. I think I will go pick up my kids from school go get haircuts and then go to dinner. They can handle being alone -- I need a break from them. Oh did I say I want them out of my house.

 

On the not so angry side. I just feel so bad for my Dad -- I don't wnat him to be hurt by any of this. But then again. I am tired of being hurt too...

 

 

[Blanco Libbey]

Hi JoAnn - I certainly know what you are dealing with! It has been almost a year now since my mom had her stroke, but I still vividly remember those early weeks, dealing with the hospital, transport to rehab, and then transport to another rehab. Dealing with the doctors telling me that more than likely my mother would never be able to live by herself again and needed 24 hour supervision. I can say that it does get better, in the year since the stroke there has been some naturally occcuring return of things - vision a little better, balance better, etc....But, it is still very difficult. We all have such busy lives and mine was no exception. A daughter, a full time job a husband and home to care for. Suddenly thrown into the role of parent, caregiver, billpayer, etc....it is all very, very hard to deal with. Folks have told me that caregivers such as ourselves are ensured a place in heaven for what we are doing - but there are days that I would rather have it all be over and go straight to hell! I love my mother dearly, but am looking at the very real possibility that unless we win the lottery (mom had no retirement put away at all) she will be living with us forever!!! My daughter might be in college by the time this is all over!!! All I can say is, vent when you need to, find folks that can help you out and give yourself lots of breaks. We can't be loving and supportive if we are tired and overwhelmed - feelings that come about on a daily basis. There are great services out there and some really great rehabilitative facilities - where in Texas are you. Hang in there - it is a great thing that you are doing - it's ok to be tired, mad, angry, depressed.....it really is. Your dad is still very acute and it does get better over time.

Libbey in Blanco

[jwatrous]

First, I am sorry for your Dad's stroke! A stroke is an awful thing as it changes the person so -

My name is June, and in 1985 at age 39 :Tantrum: :ranting: I had a stroke affecting my left side. As awful as it as and is, being young helped me to fight this, as recovering from a stroke is exhausting, so your Dad will need lots of naps and love to conquer his stroke -

He most likely knows he needs more rehab for other weaknesses, but the hurt is so bad, one tends to indivizualize it, I know cause I did but, give him time, prayers and lots of love and he'll improve in his own time frame

June

[TNstroke61306]

Hi,

 

I just want you to know you are not alone. It was my husband that had the stroke but I can feel your pain of being alone and trying to do it all. Hang in there and I will keep you in my prayers. My husband's stroke was 6/13/06 and he is still in a SNF and I am hoping he can go to acute rehab sometime. He is just starting to eat real food so It sounds like your dad is doing pretty well if he has come home. You are not alone, this site is so helpful, JoANN :chat: I hope it gets better for you.

 

Wendie