More than a stroke


Ken

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Hi ya'll

I've run into something that is bugging me terribly. My fiancee seems to think only of me as a stroke, or aftermath of a stroke. Everthing seems to revolve around that d*mned stroke since it happened. I make a telephone call to her, that is not scheduled, simply to tell her I loved her. She panics and thinks I am calling to tell her I had another stroke, or that someone else is using my cell phone to tell her I had one. I realize that there probably is nothing I can do to change that attitude but it drives me nuts. Thanks for listening.

 

as always

Ken

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Hi Ken,

 

Sorry June - it isn't as cut and dried as that. Ken's finance is apparently only going on what she has read or heard.

 

There are many people , probably in the thousands, on this site who have only has one stroke. There are many people who are long time survivors. There are probably even a few like me who have had 2 or more strokes and are also survivors. There are people here who have suffered a stroke because they had accidents, needed brain surgery because of a tumor, have seen a chiropractor whose treatment caused a stroke etc. Does she realize that the term stroke should correctly be known for what it is - a brain injury? Doesn't she realize that although we are supposed to be more likely to have another stroke, it only takes one AND ANYONE can have an auto accident etc? Does she no longer ride/drive in a car because of this? Does she stay at home because she may be hit by a stray bullet? I don't think so. Has she been to our site and seen that we are living human beings, just a little different?

 

You do have a problem, I'm afraid, and it seems to be your fiance's attitude. Will you never be able to ever call her without her thinking that you've had another stroke? Perhaps you haven't been a survivor for very long and this is very new to her, but even if it is, she needs to look around and give what she is doing some thought and do some research. If not........maybe June is right in a way; she may never change.

 

 

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Ken, get her reading on here. Get her reading the blogs so that she can see for people like Ray, Marty, Perry, Bill and others who have had a range of strokes over a long period of time have found that life goes on day-by-day but maybe at a slower pace.

 

I am still fearful of Ray having another stroke, I doubt that will ever change. But I try to push it right to the back of my mind and get on with day-to-day living and I mean LIVING. Neither of us will regain our complete trust of life. Hey! out of the blue something unexpected happened and life changed forever. But it is still a good liveable life

 

Maybe if you ask her quietly to put the stroke thing in the background and try to go on from where you were before? I know this will take a lot of discipline on your part too as that means you not mentioning it as well. We all have to build a new life after stroke, caregivers and survivors and that takes a lot of doing. But if you set some new goals with her to distract her from her present thinking, it may go on being a very worthwhile relationship for both of you.

 

Sue.

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Phyllis,

 

You're right, it's not that cut and dry.

 

 

Ken,

 

Wasn't your stroke near the end of this past June, which really isn't very long ago to expect your family and loved ones to just go back to acting like nothing happened. In fact if they did that, there's a good chance you'd be here posting that they don't cut you enough slack for your stroke deficiencies. Plus, I believe you've posted that you have balance issues which would make any caregiver extra worried when you're out of their sight, falls can put you back in the hospital.

 

It's very difficult for many/most caregivers and loved ones to get past the point where everything no longer revolves around THE STROKE because---lets face it---everying DOES revolve around the stroke in the beginning months. The repercussions of the stroke dominates our time, changes the course of our lives and adds extra responsibilities. Time will settle down your fiancee's nervousness in the same way it settles down the survivors who, in the first six months to a year, are nervous about having a second stroke. Give her love and calm, relaxed reassurance in the meantime...and maybe you could try to appreciate that she is still in your life? A lot of survivors can't say that about their now x-spouses and x-significant others.

 

My husband and I got married a year after his stroke. When he left the hospital I had to guarantee that he had a caregiver in me or he would had been put in a nursing home. (It's the law in our state that they can't send someone back home alone if they can't care for themselves.) It's an awsome (and scary) responsibility to be in that position over someone you're not even married to. Is it possible that your fiancee is in a similar position where she could actually get in legal trouble for leaving you home alone and a fall on your part could bring that to light?

 

Jean

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Wasn't your stroke near the end of this past June, which really isn't very long ago to expect your family and loved ones to just go back to acting like nothing happened.

 

 

 

yes

 

I had my accident at the end of March 29/05. My wife (at that time) stayed home because she was so scared, so was I . She went back part time in July/05 put would email me every 30 minutes. She only went part time the days that speech was here so someone was home. She also knew my neighbour was retireded so he was home all day. My wife didn't go back working full time till January/06. We worked together so we were comfortable.

 

It takes time for all to get threw this. It's a new life for all. My ex still emails all the time to see how are i'm doing.

 

 

Good luck Ken. Take is easy.

 

 

Bill

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Ken,

 

You've got some positive listeners above who gave some great concerns of your fiancee. I picked up on another point you mentioned about your unscheduled phone call to her.

 

In her mind, I suppose she only expects to hear from you at certain prearranged times or days by phone. I'd say until the two of you work out a better communication schedule and her attitude change with more knowledge of strokes, she will continue to have that feeling.

 

Otherwise, I'm sure she loves you and just don't want anything else to happen to you. The two of you need to sit down and have a serious meeting of the minds.

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Hi Ken,

 

I can understand what you're going through. Given more time, hopefully she'll calm down - she just worries about the man she loves. I go through the same thing daily with my 14 year old daughter. It's always been her and I against the world and our world experienced a life altering change 18 months ago. If I don't answer the phone during the day she goes into panic mode at school. Even when she's home she's on guard. Although she'll moan, groan, and generally act like a teen when there are extra chores to do, she has said many times that she honestly feels my stroke was the best thing to happen to us - now I'm always around and not away from home working long hours. (I was working in Social Services prestroke).

 

So...hang in there...give her ime and as much reassurance as you can.

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I agree that open communication with your fiance about her fears would probably be helpful. There is no gaurantee that you will not have another stroke but worrying about it will not help. Easy to say but harder to do. Talk alot about your fears and reassure each other. Make the best of each day. With or without stroke there really are no gaurantees in life.

God bless you both

 

Mary

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Hi ya'll

First I'd like to thank you all for the replies. Your various view points have given me a whole new perspective on this issue of 'caring too much'.

It must be tough to be on the outside and not knowing even if she can trust what I say about myself. I do owe her a debt I can never fully repay.

Thanks Jean for the bit of 'chewing' you so beautiful did. I had/have a lot more than that comming for being so insensitive and not considering what she is going through.

Thank you all for the reassurance that things will improve. Or at least change. Make me feel a bit more comfortable.

As always

Ken

 

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Stroke affects everyone in the situation, It is SCAREY and at first we are a "bit out there" one of the deficts of a survivor can be .. being unaware of a dangerouse situation. or thinking we can do something... that really might not be possible right now.

 

This is NEW to both and of course she is going to be scared and concerned.... things will get easier for you both..OVER TIME....

 

I don't think I was "aware" or actually thought too much about the fears of my family. I was basically focused on recovery and learning to walk again. It's 3 yrs post stroke and my husband no longer calls the house every 2 hours... He is still concerned, but knows I have him on speed dial and if I fall or need him call. We usually check in with each other once or twice a day.

 

Just give this time... you are very early out from the event and it is scarey from both sides.

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Hi Ken,

 

I can remember the details of the phone call I received on my cell that Rob was being medivaced with stroke symtoms. It replays in my head over and over - not as often as it used to, but I still get to hear it about once a week.

 

Everytime I hear a thump in the houes, I wonder if it is Rob falling. When he rushes in the house, and quickly walks to the sink and runs water, I come downstairs expecting to see a laceration on his affected hand.

 

I can't help being concerned because I have been trained, that these cues, have had unpleasant outcomes in the past.

 

I am better today, than I was five months ago, and your fiancee will likely also get better as time goes on, and she trusts that those cues, don't always bring bad news.

 

Trust me, she likely doesn't like these feelings any better than you do....

 

Karen

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  • 5 months later...

Ken:

If your fiance really loves you, the stroke "won't matter". It has to be a deep love... And she better think it through for a while. Can she be married to the"new Ken" with no doubts? Has she been there for you? Is she your only caregiver?

 

Trust me, that matters. I'm the one that had 3 aneurysms and a stroke and am married to a caring man. I thought we'd be married through thick and thin. Then one night he told me he wanted a divorce. It hit me hard, real hard. I asked if it was my handicap and he said "no". He said I'm not happy anymore... He gave back the key and walked out. I was stunned... Thought he'd be with me 4ever.

 

I still don't know the real reason why he left, he has a new reason every time we talk. One day we were at home in the evening, out of the blue he said "You know Sherry I never wanted to have kids and taking care of you is like having a big kid". Boom... I felt my heart being squeezed... He packed all his stuff and left, saying that old cliche "I'll always love you and wonder how you are doing".

 

Well, one month later and I'm doing well. I can fully dress myself now, including shoes and leg brace. You'd be surprised what you can do by yourself if you have too. Do not value "your life" by her. God saved you for a reason. He wants us to be happy. We can be married or single... We come into our lives alone and go out alone"...

 

I'm not trying to be a downer, just give you my thoughts.... I have experienced a broken marriage being disabled... Hugs...

 

Sherry

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Guest kerrymom7

Ken,

 

My mom had her stroke a year and a half ago. While she was in the hospital every time the phone rang I expected it to be the hospital telling me something horrible. She has lived with me for a little over a year now and every morning when I go downstairs to get her changed and ready to start her day I expect to find her either stroked out again or not breathing. It is hard. My mother's stroke has been one of the most devasting things that I have had to endure thus far in my life. I am not sure if I will not ever have a day where I am not expecting the worst.

Somedays the feeling is not as strong as others.

 

If you have had your stroke recently give your fiance time she will probably never lose the feeling but it will lessen.

 

Good Luck,

Kerry

 

 

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