Should I take marriage proposal seriously?

[tinam]

I am new to this site-First time here and want to say THANKS FOR BEING HERE!

My boyfriend of 2 years recently suffered a massive srtoke, about 2 months ago. He is in rehab right now but we hope he will be able to come home one day. Since his stroke he has asked me to marry him. I love him very much and would be honored and proud to be his wife no matter how much he regains from the stroke. My concern is :Can I take the proposal seriously or is he just worried that I might leave him? Also does the stroke impair his ability to really understand the commitment. I asked him why propose now and never before and he told me that his stroke made him think about his mortality and that he realizes how much he loves me. He would hate to be five years down the road and realize that he should have married me.

I will never leave him no matter what and told him so. He tells me the only thing keeping him going right now is his desire to come home to me and marry me. Should I take this seriously or should I realize that he doesnt know what he wants right now? I would love to marry him but dont want to make him do anything he might regret when he gets better?

[jriva]

Hello and welcome,

 

I was very much in a similar situation after my husband's stroke. (We got married a year afterwards, he stroked in May of 2000.) Because of his severe aphasia, when Don proposed it took him four hours to get out the word "marry" and when he got it out I misunderstood and thought he said "merry." It's funny now but I'm sure as proposals go it's one of the strangest in recorded history. I, too, was worried about the stroke impairing his ability to really understand. What I did was I told him we couldn't get married until he was a year out from the stroke. We waited eleven months at which time he COULD truly understand the vows he was saying 'yes' to---couldn't say much else due to his language disorder. Our guests all thought it was the most emotional wedding they'd ever been to.

 

Your boyfriend's logic to your 'why now' question makes perfect sense. If it were me, I'd take his proposal seriously---duh, based on my personal history what else would I say? However, for me personally, it was important to wait that year post-stroke. For me, it was the best decision. During that time, with all we had to do with out-patient stuff and combining households, adding a wedding then would have been crazy.

 

Jean

[fking]

Tinam,

 

Welcome, welcome, and welcome. "Wow", what a loaded question! I just may be the only member on here who has been married four times.

 

I hear what you're saying and I think I am aware of your thoughts about your decision, "yes or no" or is this the right time? In reality, only you can answer that question knowing all the facts of your relationship for the last two years and maybe more.

 

Long story made short, "go with your heart and your gut feelings without taking any excess baggage along from his or your past experiences with relationships. And certainly not a pitty because of his stroke. Otherwise follow your dreams! You said since his stroke he asked to marry you. Did the question ever come up anytime prior to his stroke??

 

Hope you enjoy being here and can gain knowledge about strokes and caregiving, plus the long recovery process in most cases. There is so much for you to learn about his stroke from his doctors so you will know how he is affected and his needs for recovery.

[tinam]

Thank you Jean. You made me feel so much better and your advice about waiting a year is very good advice. While I'd love to take it all seriously and 'Live happily ever after' I want to make sure I do what is best for him 'until death do us part' married or not. Hey maybe you and your husband can come to our wedding NEXT YEAR! I am truly very happy for the two of you. What a wonderful love story!

Tina

 

 

Dear Sccoterman

Thank you too for your reply. It is so good to know we are not alone. If I do marry him, it will be my fourth marriage as well. (Two of my husbands have died--I have a wonderful track record don't I??? I'm only 49 but have lived a hard life) This man is the best thing that ever happened to me and I'd love to marry him one day when he is ready. We did discuss it before but never seriously until now.

Thanks for the very good advice and for caring!

Tina

[Robyn]

Tina...I'd take him seriously. I was in a 3 year relationship with a woman who left our relationship a month AFTER her stroke. Long story, I won't get into it. I think his feelings are true but I'd also take Jean's advice...say YES, but wait for a while before you actually take the vows until you get through the craziness post-stroke regarding recovery and care needs!

 

You are very blessed...enjoy and much happiness to you!!!

[tom71]

Tina,

I too say take him seriously and go for it, I stroked in Dec of 2002 at age 31, married my wife oct 16 2004, sure the marriage has it ups and downs like everyones, but I have to say we both could not be happier, I know that by her saying yes has sure helped my recovery/self esteem, Good Luck in your decisions!

God bless You both!

Tom

[lisas]

:welcome: Tinam,

 

I'm glad you found everyone here. :Clap-Hands: You will recieve lots of good advice and read lots of good information. :cheer: I know I certainly do.

 

As far as the marriage proposal goes. If you loved him before the stroke, you will continue to love him. There is some uncertainty with all proposals, even without a disabilty involved. :2cents:

 

Go with your instincts and do what is right for the both of you. God bless you both and :Good-Luck: with your future.

[marlen]

TINA,

 

I AGREE WITH JEAN (SOMETHING I HATE TO DO). LOOK, IT'S ONLY TWO MONTHS SINCE STROKE DAY, AND RECOVERY TAKES TIME. PROMISE TO BE WITH HIM THROUGHOUT THIS ORDEAL AND SEE HOW WELL YOU COPE ALSO. KNOWING YOU ARE THERE FOR HIM IS A GREAT INSENTIVE FOR HIS WORKING HARD AND STEADILY IMPROVING. THERE ARE MANY HIGHS AND LOWS AHEAD, SO BE PREPARED FOR ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING.

 

WHY DO YOU NEED THAT PIECE OF PAPER NOW TO SIGNIFY HOW YOU BOTH FEEL BOUT EACH OTHER? GIVE IT A YEAR, AND IF ALL IS WELL, TIE THE KNOT. IT COULD BE WORSE IF YOU MARRIED NOW AND LATER DECIDED TO GO YOUR SEPARATE WAYS. KEEP THE "CARROT" DANGLING IN FRONT OF HIS NOSE.

HE WILL FIGHT FOR WHAT HE WANTS.

 

MARTY :big_grin:

[tinam]

Thank you ALL for the wonderful advice. I have to admit I was expecting to hear lots of advice like "Wait hes not in his right mind right now" Hearing all of your stories gives me such hope and encouragement which is something I am not getting from his family right now. Bill may have had a stroke but the guy I fell in love with is still the same guy sitting in that wheelchair. It helps so much to get advice from those who truly understand.

[tinam]

Scooterman

Yep you will all be invited! You better save a dance for me.

I better find a hall with a huge dance floor so we have room for all the wheelchairs and walkers to do the bunny hop. No chicken dance at this wedding you are all the bravest people I have ever met.

Tina

[arogers]

Hi Tina,

 

This is marriage #4 for stroke survivor husband. Of course, he says this is the BEST!!! Because North Carolina has a one year waiting period for divorce when Bill and I got together his divorce was not final....We had been together 8 months when he fell into a coma one night. I was by his side at intensive care nearly 24/7. I'd gone home to sleep a few hours for the first time and when I returned the nurses who didn't know I'd been there all along looked at me and said, "where have you been?" He was coming out of the coma and had been very restless. When I walked in he calmed down immediately....My reason for wanting that "piece of paper" is that legally we have very little when medical crisis hit. Legally the hospital didn't have to give me any information about Bill's condition. However, it was obvious by my demeanor and Bill's demeanor when I was around that he wanted me there. When he was in his coma I would stand by his bed and stroke his arm. He would rest at that time better than any other according to he medical staff. Not all hospitals would have been so accommodating to me though. We had planned to get married and at that time I felt that if anything should happen to him I wanted to be remembered as this man's wife - not special friend.

 

When Bill got out of the hospital, very weak and using a cane, I marched him down to the courthouse and filed those papers he'd been working on. His divorce was final four months later and three weeks after that we were married.

 

Since then he's had 3 strokes (among alot of other junk). I wouldn't change a minute of the time we have together. Oh, I can wish things were "different" - but they aren't. I love him dearly as he does me. We have a good life and I feel blessed everyday. If you love this man, if you want to care for his needs, if you want to be there for him - then you want to marry him. The vows say "for better or worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and health". The commitment is the important thing!!!

 

Warmly,

[tinam]

Dear Ann

Your story is very inspiring. Thank you! Your Bill is a lucky man to have the love of such a caring woman.

I agree about the legal aspects of being the wife as opposed to being the good friend. It is so frustrating at times and I think 'if I was his wife no one could argue with my desicions.' My Bill's family is very upset with me for babying him. They say things like its my fault he is not doing as well as he should be because they have seen me help him wheel his wheelchair around the hospital and for cutting his food on his plate when he cant do it. They also refuse to do anything I ask them to do regarding his house and antique store (which he has put me in charge of) They have gone to his house and taken things out so I put a padlock on the doors. This REALLY got them going!!!!!!

When I wanted to keep him in a better nursing home where his treatment would be better they all complained because it was a farther drive for them. I tried to reason with them that Bill didnt care where he would be since he wasn't the one driving there each day-I was. Since I am only the girlfriend, they got their way. Now hey complain about his care at the home they chose and they dont go to see him except for once a week anyway. Again if I was his wife no one could say anything about my decisions and Bill would be getting better care and I'd still drive the extra miles to be with him each day.

So that little piece of paper in my case would do alot to make Bill's life better and mine. I adore this man and always will whether I share his name of not. But MRS. BILL could do more for him than Miss Tina could ever do. and... Its nice to know he is as commited to me as I am to him.

Bless you and your Bill!

Tina (and My Bill)

[jriva]

Tina,

 

You also have to consider that the marriage could get contested in court if his family claimed you rushed him into something when his mind wasn't fully able to understand what he was doing. If you do get married soon after he gets home, get a psychriatric evalutation quietly done first so that if some happens down the road---God forbid, he dies or has more strokes---you've got that ace in the hole. If your Bill is of sound mind, he will understand why this is necessary to protect you (and him) from his family's interference. I watched my dad get many of these "legal competency" tests---he was part of an Alzheimer's drug trial---and they aren't that bad. (I've got all the answers memorized. )

 

My situation was somewhat different than yours because a month before Don's stroke we had been to a lawyer and had power of attorney papers drawn up giving each other the right to make all decisions for each other if the worse happened. And of course it did. So even though we weren't marriage for the first year post stroke, I had no worries about his family getting involved with health care or financial issues. So although we had no marriage certificate, what I had was much better---a person can name anyone as power of attorney, it doesn't have to a spouse or relative. Your Bill could also look into having these papers drawn up, he'd probably have to ask the social worker at the hospital to help him arrange it and have doctors vertify his competency and you stay out of it.

 

Jean