Repairing a relationship damaged by the stroke

[richman]

Hi all:

 

First of all, I'm not comfortable or familiar with the polling process or software,

so please excuse me this one time in getting your feedback via the usual

format. I'd like to obtain your feedback on an approach taken today by

my new therapist in attempting to do "damage control" on the relationship

with my girlfriend, Suting, caused by my stroke and all of its effects.

 

The therapist decided that it would be a good idea to call Suting and speak

with her directly and ask her if it's really my attitude or reaction towards the

stroke, not the "CVA" or stroke, that is driving her away, despite her pronouncement

of love and support before and right after it happened.

 

Naturally, I assumed that this call could only make matters worse, but given the

bleak state of things anyway, I decided to let her "roll the dice" and call her.

 

Suting was, naturally, shocked and taken aback by the call, but she did converse

with my therapist briefly (in a timid, halting voice), and said that she never believed

that I had suffered a stroke or changed as a result of one, if it did happen. I don't know

if this phone call (it was my therapist's idea) further alienated her.

 

Do you think that it was a good idea to let my therapist intervene and call my girlfriend

on my behalf and try to repair this damaged relationship? Please answer honestly.

 

Thanks in advance for your feedback.

 

-Joe

[kanderson]

yes i do, i think we can use all of the help we can get. my 36 year marriage is down the tubes after my stroke. my husband cant adjust. i know how hard it can be to adjust to a stroker. maybe she just needs time, if she truly cares about you,she'll hopefully come around. and if you truly want her to stick around you will help her. good luck, joe, i wish you all the best. kimmie

[jriva]

Joe,

 

Had I been in the same situation you are in, I would have made the same decision to let the therapist call your girlfriend. Nothing can get resolved when the lines of communication are not open and her answer to the therapist speak volumes. I've often recommended couples therapy after a stroke in situations where one or both parties are struggling with stroke related issues. It sounds like you are not being open with your girlfriend about your fears and the changes you feel inside and she is keeping her head in the sand about what a stroke/TIA/medical crisis can do to a person and/or she is not being receptive to listening to you if you have tried to talk to her. You are probably both re-acting out of fear. (By the way, did you tell her to expect the call? It sounds like she was ambushed by it.)

 

Some times a significant other won't acknowledge that something major has happened---it's not a consious choice, just something that happens. It's a way of avoiding the conflicting emotions that goes along with getting scared that someone you care about could have been taken away from you. You also have to know that a relationship of only three months is not a long investment and for her, that's got to factor into it.

 

 

Things might get worse before they get better in your relationship, but communication is the key to working towards repairing the damaged done. And if, end the end, it can't be repaired then you will never have to wonder if you gave it your all. If you talk it out, and the relationship can't be saved, then therapy can help you move past the pain of losing someone you care about. But remember, "It ain't over until the fat lady sings" if I may quote Yogi Berri here.

 

Jean

[arogers]

Suting was, naturally, shocked and taken aback by the call, but she did converse

with my therapist briefly (in a timid, halting voice), and said that she never believed

that I had suffered a stroke or changed as a result of one, if it did happen. I don't know

if this phone call (it was my therapist's idea) further alienated her.

 

 

Now I'm really confused....is it the fact that you had a stroke then? Yes, communication is important and maybe this will open the doors for that communication. It may also help Suting to decide what the problem is.

 

When I look at your situation I can't help but think that even most major surgeries require a substantial healing period - say six weeks or so. You just can't expect to have a serious health episode one day and within a week or two run around as though your body hasn't been assaulted. Neither can she. When you say she has two teenage sons, I wonder if that doesn't bring a whole new dynamic into the mix. Her sons may have a great influence on her attitude and fears.

 

Your cognitive deficits may well be helped with some speech therapy. Speech therapy helps in strategizing to compensate for memory deficits and in many other aspects of the cognitive issues with which you may be dealing.

 

(And BTW, I've given brief thought to taking a legal route regarding Bill's situation, but from what I understand the outcome really wouldn't have been much different if he'd gone in the hospital immediately. The brain would have swelled anyway. I do have very explicit boundaries in place regarding the particular physician who "treated" him that night!!!)

 

Hope you're doing well today!!

[richman]

Jean:

 

Thanks for your opinion and endorsement of the call from my therapist to Suting. I think

my girlfriend was caught off-guard by the phone call, and, frankly, I believe that she

may be trying to dissolve a brief, but intensely loving relationship by simply cutting

off all communication, so, as you said, it might be best to bring it to a head.

 

I'm trying not to despair and believe in Yogi's credo, but things are not looking good

for the home team.

 

And, despite what she told my therapist, I think that she may finally be convinced

that I did suffer some damage from a real stroke and won't ever be the same guy

that she fell in love with and secure with.

 

Oh well, c'est la guerre.... :bop:

[richman]

Kimmie:

 

I'm truly sorry to hear that after all that you've suffered, your husband is planning to bail out on you. I've often thought that if the roles were reversed, and it was my partner who experienced the devastating effects of a stroke, that my feelings would not change or my love/affection for the person wouldn't be lost. If she couldn't speak, or walk, or even smile, I would know that she's trapped inside the damage, the illness, and would still want to be with her. But maybe it's easy to believe that, trapped on the inside of the stroke cage looking outward.

 

In what ways have you changed that can't be accepted by your husband?

 

Thank you for the hopeful words about my relationship.

 

-Joe

 

yes i do, i think we can use all of the help we can get. my 36 year marriage is down the tubes after my stroke. my husband cant adjust. i know how hard it can be to adjust to a stroker. maybe she just needs time, if she truly cares about you,she'll hopefully come around. and if you truly want her to stick around you will help her. good luck, joe, i wish you all the best. kimmie

 

[bstockman]

Hi Joe, I would have done the same thing. I think it was a god idea for your therapist to call her. You don't know what is going on without communication.

 

This may not be going your way, but then maybe now she realizes you did have a stroke ... If she can't stick by you through this, it is best you find out sooner than later.

 

It is better to know than be kept in limbo or wondering....

 

Best wishes to you, Bonnie

 

 

 

 

 

 

[marlen]

JOE,

 

SO WE HAD A STROKE. WE ARE A LITTLE DIFFERENT, A LITTLE SLOWER BUT STILL THE SAME PERSON WITH FEELINGS. MANY PEOPLE FIND IT DIFFICULT TO RELATE TO US AND RUN AWAY WITHOUT REALLY UNDERSTANDING US. YOUR THERAPIST WAS CORRECT IN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ARE. BETTER NOW THAN LATER.

 

I'M VERY FORTUNATE. MY WIFE HAS BEEN AT MY SIDE THROUGHOUT THIS WHOLE ORDEAL. BUT MANY YEARS AGO THINGS WEREN'T GOOD. WE WENT TO A MARRIGE COUNCELOR. WELL, LET ME TELL YOU, WHEN SHE OPENED THE DOOR TO LET US IN HER OFFICE, THERE STOOD A TALL BLONDE, IN HER 30'S, A 9 OUT 10 ON THE RATING SCALE. (I KNOW, SEXIST REMARK, BUT AT 66, WHO CARES?) SHE WAS EXCELLENT AND I NEVER MISSED AN APPOINTMENT. I LISTENED INTENTLY AND HER ADVICE CONTRIBUTED TO MY WIFE AND I STILL BEING TOGETHER.

 

LIFE GOES ON, AND THE CHALLENGES CONTINUE. GOOD, BAD, OR INDIFFERENT, YOU LEARN TO COPE.

 

BEST WISHES

 

MARTY :big_grin:

[Guest Scarlett_Y]

Joe,

I think it was smart on the part of your therapist to have called Suting. Personally I operate better knowing everything upfront, whether it is painful or not rather then torturing myself with all the endless probabilities(is that a real word or did I just make it up?)

 

Besides from a survivor standpoint I know how many issues crop up that need to be addressed and understood, it is like peeling the layers of an onion and exposing the under layers. While this process is overwhelming and frustrating and very slow moving, it is necessary in order to be able to grow. First, do you think because you've never had an "Official Diagnosis" from a Dr. that both of you are hesistant to give the idea of you being a survivor any credibility?

If that is the case, that would explain both of you behaving as you have. When anyone acts ambivalent for any reason, they send out confusing signals. (You, veering back and forth with the knowledge and feelings you had a stroke, you didn't have a stroke) Her, trying to understand and keep her bearings because the map she is using is only good for the upper part of the river and now she is on the lower part of the river and hasn't a clue how to navigate the rough waters.

Whew! I am on a slippery slope here. I keep losing my thoughts on this.

Anyway Joe, keep your lines of communication open and discuss every little issue as it pops up, attack your problems in small doses instead of trying to deal with the whole problem as that may be too overwhelming and confusing for you both.

 

Also, it could be a trap to let yourself get caught up in the comparisions of "I would treat her like this, if the roles were reversed." None of us can say how we would really act in a unknown situation until we are placed in it. I used to say the same thing until I dated another survivor and when faced with the situation of him as a disabled person with all the emotions out of whack and how much care and time and effort he needed from me, I turned and ran. ( there were other deeper reasons too but for the sake of this example I'll leave them out) It is true that not everyone is automatically able to step in and handle the role of caregiver.

Joe, I hope the 2 of you can work this out, given the passage of time it may not be all lost whether it looks bleak for the home team or not.

 

 

 

[2ndChance]

Joe: you must stop looking back. It is done, it cannot be changed just like your brain injury cannot be changed. You can only look forward. We all know how hard it is, but it must be done.

 

 

Rene

[kanderson]

hi joe, thanks for your note. i do not know what my husbands problem is. i am the same person inside, just not physically the same, maybe he cant adjust to that. for better or worse, sickness and in health, go figure, only time will tell. kimmie

[richman]

Hi Scarlett:

 

Your mind is still very sharp, and your metaphors really do apply. It does seem as complex

as peeling the layers of an onion; not everything is as it appears, and the explanations for

her behavior (and my attitude) aren't cut-and-dried. And the timing of my stroke, as if

there's ever a good time to have one in the context of this relationship is terrible - it

would have been different if we'd been married for several years, or we'd been given

the luxury of a solid year of good times together. But the Man Upstairs chose to throw

this monkey wrench into the works after only three months, when both of us felt we'd

triumphed recently over bad relationships (with our respective ex-fiances).

 

Sometimes, when I'm criticized for "not handling my stroke well", I feel like screaming

at people using the old Steve Martin line, "WELL, EXCU-US-E ME-E!!!!!!!!!!"

 

The ineptitude of various "specialists" who see the markings on the MRI and the residual

symptoms, but won't officially label it "a stroke", always with the CYA disclaimer, "well, you

know, medicine is not an exact science", has more of an effect on Suting than me, and

I completely understand her position in all this.

 

Today, I completed another unpleasant task, of returning some stray belongings and clothing

left behind in my townhouse by my ex-fiance (who took off without warning or a note on Easter

Sunday in April a few months back). She didn't want to accept them in person and asked me

to drop them off at her brother's house. Her brother was very cordial to me.

 

I feel surrounded by losses and defeats. Sort of like the New York Yankees, without the

multi-million dollar contracts.

 

 

 

 

Marty:

 

I'm glad to see that the stroke hasn't killed your libido or good taste.

 

WE MAY BE SICK BUT WE AIN'T DEAD!

:yukyukyuk:

You're right, as an avid blackjack player, I know that sooner or later everybody

has to show their cards and show what they're holding. And if you keep losing

every hand, you don't sit at the table and try to win your money back. You cash

in your chips and move to another table.

 

-Joe

 

 

[kkholt]

Hi Joe,

 

Maybe I'm the lone ranger, but my first response is, not very positive towards your therapist calling your girlfriend. Thinking about this, if I were Suting, and got an unexpected call from my former boyfriends therapist, I'm not sure how I would react, but likely it would be more positive if I had a "heads-up" that the call was coming.

 

I'm thinking your girlfriend may have a hard time with her feelings, and telling you honestly how she is feeling. Why would she exposie herself to your therapist?

 

This may be much more complicated than communication - but more like being honest with her feelings, and first, being honest with herself......

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

-Karen

[jriva]

 

 

Karen,

 

I agree with you to a point. The therapist should have advised Joe to tell his girlfriend to expect the call, if she didn't. It wasn't exactly fair to be caught off gaurd like that and it sounds like Joe was in the room at the time which also put her in an uncomfort position. I don't think it was wrong for the therapist to call but it could have been done in a more sensitive manner.

 

Jean

[richman]

Hi Karen:

 

My initial reaction was the same as yours, and I regretted allowing my therapist

to intervene. For one thing, it was embarrassing to have an outside party involved

to begin with, much less a therapist (I'm sure Suting was thinking, "what have I

gotten myself into?"), and it may have even solidified her view of me as a damaged

individual.

 

The one positive result is that it did prompt her to call me later that same evening,

after her concerted effort to cut off all communication with me, hoping the relationship

would just die a natural death. The direct approach of the therapist forced her to

confront the main issue(s), and she might have felt guilty for just fleeing the situation

with me.

 

The rapport and chemistry seems to be dead between us of course after this terrible

stroke episode, along with millions (if not billions) of my brain cells.

 

-Joe

 

 

[dstraugh]

Joe,

 

I feel it was good that your therapist did call your honey - especially that it has definitely broken the ice.

Now, time will tell as to what will traspire. But we can not go back to prestroke days although I for one wish I could and redo some things. But I can't and life goes on. I feel like I'm in the AA recovery program - one day at a time!! Of course I always believed the Big Book could be applied to all portions of a person's life. - it can too, I've found out. But hang in there - turn everything over to your Higher Power.

[richman]

I just had a thought today (I haven't had many since the stroke), that it's somewhat self-centered on my girlfriend's part to just be reflecting on the physical and mental toll it's taken on her.

 

I'M THE ONE WHO'S HAD THE !%^#)! STROKE!!! I'M THE ONE WHO'S BRAIN-DAMAGED!!! YOUR EMOTIONAL UPSET WILL DISSIPATE!!! THIS IS PERMANENT FOR ME!!!!!

 

She can walk away from this episode. I can't.

 

SORRY I'M NOT MENTALLY AVAILABLE TO AMUSE AND ENTERTAIN YOU RIGHT NOW!!!! EXCU-SE ME-E!!!

 

I'm not sure I trust the Man Upstairs. He might be the one who sent this Special Delivery to me.

 

Just venting my true feelings. :ranting:

[fking]

Joe,

 

You are caught up in the "moment" understandably so and venting is a way out. What you say and feel is only natural of your true feelings. Man, you can trust me, at times I get the same feelings about my situation. In fact I plan on blogging about it very soon.

 

In my case, I trust the man upstairs, and I had a bleed so from the knowledge I know about bleeds, I was born with my vessel condition as it was. Unlike eating the wrong foods all my life and ending up with blocked veins in places.

 

I tend to think we were slowed down for a reason we'll probably never know that could extend our lives on earth by days or years, who knows. In my case, I spend less money, less loving, affection and worry about life in general. I celebrate being alive and in my right mind.

 

Just my thought, I certainly don't have many these days either. Happy landing when you get both feet on solid ground. It will work itself out.

[richman]

Scooterman:

 

Thanks for the support, and I'm glad that someone else admits that they have this stuff inside of them, too.

 

Your insight about being "slowed down for a reason" is a new angle on this for me (thanks), and it's given me pause to reflect on that idea, although, in this fast-paced think at the speed of light world, it's hard to believe that it's a good thing.

 

Like you, I can't attribute what happened to me (ischemic stroke) directly to bad habits. I exercise and basically have a good diet (although coffee is still my weakness). You read the pros and cons of coffee on the Internet and newspapers all the time. Some articles say it has all kinds of positive benefits, others say it's the Devil's elixir. Who knows. I've tried eliminating caffeine from my diet, and usually fail.

 

I'll try to look on the bright side of things as you suggested.

 

-Joe

 

 

[richman]

Donna:

 

Thanks for the kind, encouraging words. You're right, it did break the ice and soften the situation. My therapist was able to tell her, as an objective but interested party, that I think highly of her (Suting) and she gave me a "plug". It actually prompted a call from my girlfriend later that evening, and we were able to talk again after several days of cold silence.

 

Sometimes, I do feel like even the best relationships are fragile things, and Life can run over them like an 18-wheeler over a field of chrysanthamums (I hope I spelled that right). :blush:

 

-Joe

 

 

I feel it was good that your therapist did call your honey - especially that it has definitely broken the ice.

[Guest MelBaker]

Hi Joe -

Going to insert my 2 cents and refer you to a few things I've posted that may be of some help.

BTW - I agree with the minority - your girlfriend should have been given "heads-up" - nothing like getting a second big shock right on the heels of a huge event....... :bop:

 

I, too, am taking the attitude of "being slowed down for a reason" - am finding lots that I didn't have or make time for before - everything happens for a reason, sometimes that reason isn't explained when the "thing" happens so it's a puzzle, a challenge to find it......

Anyway: links for you: http://www.strokeboard.net/index.php?showtopic=6359&hl=

and you can check out the other piece on my blog - http://www.strokeboard.net/index.php?autom...log&blogid=269&

Hope you are finding your way around the site okay - if you need help just ask - :hug:

And a belated welcome to the community to you! Glad you are here and hope you come back often :big_grin:

[shaylerobins]

Hi Joe,

 

According to professional ethics, it is inappropriate for a therapist to call a girlfriend. It would have been better for you to call and suggest a joint session to resolve issues. Your friend may have refused, but atleast you would know where you stand. By the way, your stroke may not be the primary reason for the break up.

 

Until her untimely death, I was married to a marriage counselor.

 

Best of Luck

 

Shayle

[richman]

Shayle:

 

I'm not sure about the ethics of of the therapist. Her primary concern was for my well-being and she just wanted to break through the wall of silence and lack of communication between me and my girlfriend.

 

Her action did prompt a phone call from my girlfriend to me later that evening, and her tone was even sweet and conciliatory. So my therapist's tactic did work, to a limited extent. I asked her if she was upset by the surprise phone call, and she said, "No." (She could have been lying, but that would be unusual for her to do so.)

 

I think my relationship with her is at an impasse, but she hasn't used the term "breakup" yet, so there's a glimmer of hope.

 

Hate to disagree with you, but the stroke and all of the fallout from it is THE REASON for this relationship to go south. Prior to that, we were both ecstatic with each other, and she was extremely affectionate. I was able to make her laugh more heartily than she had in a long time, and she was even able to share the pain of her past relationships with me, tears and all (she trusted me that much). We were both optimistic about each other and the future together. IT WAS THE STROKE, and how it changed me. The person that my girlfriend fell in love with died on September 25-26, 2006.

 

Thanks alot, God. :ranting:

 

-Joe

[kkholt]

Hi Joe,

 

I honestly trust you likely know if the relationship break up is due to your stroke - it has got to be something you can just sense and feel. Maybe even more so because she won't come out and admit it.

 

Coming from the perspective of a wife, whose husband has had a stroke, I can expect that Suting has been struggling with the change of events in her life - resulting from your stroke. Yes, it happened to you, but it also happened to her.

 

I'm just trying to imagine how I would feel, what kind of investment would I have in a relationship that is three months old, and have the person I was getting to know...... no longer be the same.

 

For respect, for what relationship you had, she owes you honesty. She also owes it to herself. Perhaps you can open the door for her, allow her to tell you how she feels about the changes in her life. Yes, it is about you, but if you want to keep your relationship with her..... you may need to make this investment in her.

 

Just more of my 2 cents.

 

-Karen

 

 

[richman]

Karen:

 

Thank you for your kind, insightful, open comment. I can tell it came from your heart. I admire the fact that you have been able and willing to stay by your husband's side during a time that I'm sure has been difficult for both of you.

 

You're right, I must acknowledge how upsetting and disconcerting this must be for Suting, as devastating as it has been for me. I must give her the right to let her true feelings out and the freedom to choose to stay or to leave, and show understanding and love for her.

 

She did call me tonight after a week of no contact and said that she would be willing to go to dinner with me on her birthday, which is something. It's just hard to accept that things will never be the same again. I am bitter that this happened to me, to us, I must admit. I realize from the numerous postings on this site that I'm not alone, and my sense of anger rises for everyone who's suffered through this.