Over reacting uncle

[helpless]

HELP! Is now the time to tell my uncle to back off?

Since Dad's stroke 1 1/2 years ago, my uncle has been visiting my dad daily in the nursing home, and reporting back to me (I live out of state).

Some of his negative reports have been correct, although almost always blown out of proportion. Today topped off a week of frustration.

Last Wed uncle had artery blockage and had to have a shunt put in. At the same time, flu was running rampant through town, and of course, the nursing home where dad is at. And of course, he got the flu. So uncle hasn't been visiting.

Friday night his wife and daughter went to see dad and found him (before dinner) dirty, in dirty clothes with no socks on. I listened to him for 30 minutes about how they weren't taking care of him properly, etc. I called the administrator, and although this was not a good thing, it wasn't the end of the world, and was addressed promptly.

Yesterday morning the nursing home called and dad had gotten sick, threw up breakfast (along with his dentures) which the bottom plate broke. Later in the a.m., they called back and said they had tried to page dads doctor twice with no answer, and he was running 103 degree fever and was lethargic. Did I want him to go to the E.R. I said of course.

Now here's the kicker. Uncle didn't dare go due to his health.

Today I get a frantic call from uncle telling me that the hospital called another uncle to find out whether or not dad could swallow. (His stroke left him unable to swallow and speak. Although he is getting pureed foods now, he still cannot speak) His contention is that the nursing home should have sent someone with him and let them know he couldn't swallow, speak, hear, etc. To top it off, his daughter went to see him and said he was laying in a fetal position.

He also called the nursing home and read the administrator the riot act, calling her the "sorriest thing for caregiver he'd ever seen."

He told me, and I'm quoting "If you don't want your dad to die, you need to get down here and spend a couple weeks and see how they're treating him or move him up there. I can't do this anymore."

I will admit that the only reason he is still in his hometown is that his family is there to visit. But VISIT, not be judge, jury and executioner of the facility. Anything that he does outside his realm of brotherly visits is his doing, not mine.

After making a phone call or two, I find out that 1) the hospital did not call anyone, they simply asked if his "brother" knew if dad could swallow whole pills. 2) the only place the hospital called was the nursing home to find out the particulars of his special needs. 3) Dad was not in a fetal position, he has pneumonia, and they were turning him from one side to the other. Dad sleeps with his knees bent.

Needless to say, I've been in a turmoil, my job has suffered this week, and all for the "last straw" in my uncle's theatrics.

Is is time to tell him to limit himself to just visits or am I way off base here? I don't want him to not tell me if he sees neglect, but as an example, one day he noticed dad had dandruff, and the next thing you know, he's telling me they put him in the shower and for all he knows, lets him fend for himself.

Moving Dad is an option, although I'm sure that would be very traumatic for him.

For everyone's sanity - and to keep the peace, is it time to tell him to back off?

Blood pressure continues to rise!!!!

Sorry this is so long - I really needed to rant.

[bstockman]

What is the other Uncle like, is he less dramatic, more rational?

 

Could you suggest they go for visists together. You may want to tell the Uncle he is not to call the Administrator of the nursing home.

 

Some people wll make a "crisis" outof everything and seem to thrive on turmoil. Maybe he is afraid someday he will go into a nursing home.

[helpless]

Bonnie -

My other "uncle" is actually my mom's (deceased) brother-in-law, and they live in another town.

I've come to the realization that whatever I am told by him I take with a grain of salt, but thistime he put me and the hospital in the middle. The poor nurse at the hospital didn't know what to do. I ended up telling her to limit all questions and detailedinfo about dad to me. I don't know what else to do.

I really don't want to alienate him, but ifhe's gonna p.. off everyone caring for Dad, I may have no choice.

[dstraugh]

Helpless,

 

I feel you did right in advising the nurse to only speak to you regarding any issues which need to be addressed. I would have a heart to heart conversation with your uncle and advise him to cool it. Does he tend to "over-react" to all issues or is it just issues involving your Dad? Is he younger or older than your Dad ? Could his self-proclaimed being in charge stem from sibling related issues?

[arogers]

Dear Helpless,

 

I don't know the whole "family" situation regarding your dad. Are you an only child? You mentioned the only reason he is in his hometown is because "his family" is there to visit, but you have really only mentioned one uncle.

 

I'm wondering whether it would be better, in the long run, for him to be closer to you where you can take a more active role in his caretaking and your uncle could come to visit occasionally. From your post it sounds as though your dad needs lots of care, and if you were closer it may give you more peace of mind???

 

I know it's difficult to manage his care long distance. Your uncle may be a little overprotective, or he may be a little melodramtic. It is such a change when our loved one goes into a skilled nursing facility and we see him in a different situation than we are accustomed to.

 

Maybe you've thought of these alternatives already. I hope you can find a solution!

[jwatrous]

no problem, you have your hands and heart full with your Dad and Uncle!

I would ask the Uncle to contact you first, and let you decide if the home should be called -

His visits are nice, but if he causes trouble, keep him OUT OF THE LOOP!

[slmstrokeangel]

Sad to say many nursing homes neglect the patients. A nursing home in Louisiana murdered its patients rather than moving them during Katrina.

There may be something to your uncles rants. Do your best to find out.

[jriva]

.

 

I agree with Ann that you should consider moving your dad close to where you are at. That would resolve the problem with the uncle trying to oversee your dad's care and your dad would be close for you to do it firsthand. I personally couldn't deal with the stress of not knowing if the uncle was over reacting or if there really is a problem with the nursing home. I spent six years making bi-weekly visits to a nursing home where my husband's mother was at and I can tell you that it's the barking dog that gets the attention and if you don't keep on their backs patients do get neglected...not always on purposely, but they just don't have enough help to keep up with it all and they have been known to hire some questionable people. We just had a fairly new nursing home closed down in our town because of their neglect of patients so don't trust an administrator long distance to always tell you the truth any more than you trust your uncle.

 

Jean

[arogers]

Another issue - I've noticed the two times my husband has been in a Skilled Nursing Facility that those patients who are most vocal get the most care....My husband doesn't say much and he is left to "tend for himself". I've had aides tell me they "thought" he could pretty much take care of himself because he doesn't say anything. It really does seem to be a case of "the squeaky wheel gets the oil".

[helpless]

Thanks everyone for your responses.

I agree with everyone. This seems to be a double-edged sword. No matter who you believe, you're probably going to get cut.

I've done a lot of praying about this, and I think if we can get through the winter, without me blowing my top - it's time for a move. We'll just have to try to make Dad understand and find a way to make the 8 hour drive easier on him.

I can deal with the issues, but not the game of "who do I believe?" Besides, I think after over a year and 1/2, it's time to sell his house.

Thanks everybody!

[helpless]

P.S. I was neglectful in not answering questions. Dad has an older sister, many "outlaws" that visit weekly, and his baby brother, the trouble maker.

I don't really know if he has issues with other subjects, Dad's family and my sister and I are not close. As a matter of fact, I bet it had been 10 years since we'd seen our uncle before the stroke.

Part of that is distance, the other is that they have a LARGE family circle within a couple hours of each other. They never needed us to stay a family unit. (No bitterness there, just fact).

I suppose that could be part of the problem. That he doesn't understand how I can't just drop everything and see dad every week.

[Guest lwisman]

My family has found that Nursing Homes respond to vigilance on the family's side. That is, the more attention paid by the family and the more questions asked the better the care by the home. It may be that your uncle is now of an age where being diligent is very difficult for him. I agree that the best solution might be to move your father closer to you.

[HostAsha]

Dear helpless:

 

I think you should be thankful to your uncle for making sure his brother is being cared of, I just read article in this month's reader's digest about nursing home neglect and patients dying due to that, neglect does happen so don't trust those administrators over your uncle. If it bothers you that much than maybe moving dad closer to you might be good idea.

 

Asha

[dstraugh]

Hi Helpless,

 

I agress with Asha. And...think you got the right idea - get through the winter months and then give serious thought to relocating your Dad. When I was in rehab, the social worker was pushing for me to go to a nursing home as I would be at home during the day while my daughter is at school. As I was told the nursing homes in my area were not geared towards atrokers, I resisted and came home after rehab. I'm glad I did.

 

Good Luck - please keep us posted.

[helpless]

Thanks again everyone.

Dad is out of the hospital and doing better.

I will try to keep my cool for a while longer until we can make arrangements for Dad to move.

One thing about all this - and all you caregivers know this -

This has been quite an education for me! I'm now very aware of what I need to do IN CASE something should happen to me - before it happens.

I'm also keeping a list of things to look for and questions to ask at another facility, no matter how small. For instance, they don't keep towels in Dad's bathroom. WHY???

I'll keep everyone posted.

Thanks again! :hug:

[jriva]

.

 

Also ask to see their state inspection reports when you look for a facility. They are suppose to be publically displaced, at least that is the case in my state and I am assuming other states have similar laws. But they sometimes find a way of posting them in areas families rarely go.

 

Jean