I'm beyond help in my eyes


sae36

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hey all: i am so ready to give up on everything here. i am so stressed out to the point of just wanting to start drinking ( drunk). i am so burned out on caregiving till i all i want to do is leave this palce again for the 3rd time. yes i left this place 2 times already and loved being by myself when i did that. i guess this is a vent or some other kind of post im doing. i just know that me and mom can not get along at all. as far as the other family members go they dont help with her: like taking her to town, to nearest big city to look around some, out to eat, or just to ride around. is that to much for them to do? i mean i do everything that i can do here and to them and to momma it aint good enough. what dod i have to do have a leave again and or have a stroke or and heartattack.. what do i have to do to make them happy when i cant even make my self happy? i am to the point of crying and to the point of wanting to hurt some one. theres been alot of times i wish i could just put some one's head threw a tv, wall, window, or hit them so hard that it knocks them out. pls dont tell me it will get better cos it will not get better. if ya'll had/have the mother i have, the kind that put abuse on u and let abuse be put on u by 2 others then ya'll would know how i really feel bout taking care of her. my question to ya'll is this: what do u think of ppl that abused their kid / kids and the kid/kids have to take care of the person/persons?

 

i can answer that question for myself but i would like to know what the rest of ya'll think. as for me i think the kid/kids shouldnt have to take care of the person/persons: for me i have no respect for them at all when they hurt their kid/kids like that and the abuse u put on a child/children will make them have depression and some times they may try to kill themself.

 

question again: what do u make of a person/persons that u try to make them help themself buy getting up and getting what they want to snack on: like chips or some fruit: and they tell u "no thats what ur hear for" and they tell u to "drop dead" to u trying to make them do something like getting their snack?

as ya'll can see my mom tells me to drop dead and no and thats what ur hear for all the time. i think she hates me and i think she really does want me dead too. i have told her " u really want me where my cousin is at so that u and every one else will be happier".. was i wrong in saying that to her? am i wrong for not wanting to be around her? am i wrong for wanting to live away from her so i can get my health back in fir to good shape? am i wrong for wanting to live my life with out having to stress, feel depressed, and for feeling tired all the time and for not wanting my body to hurt every second of the day? if this is wrong of me to want this then why am i still alive for?...if any one can aswer these things for me then pls feel free to answer them.

 

 

sae36

 

p.s. dont say to go out for a few hrs to be by urself cos i dont have and and i cant drive a car either..thanks for listening.

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Sae,

 

I just read through your other threads and I've got to tell you that I think it's time for you to get a social worker, social services or counselor involved. You need to find out what kinds of other arrangements might be available for your mother's care. Or at the very least, find someone to act as a mediator to get other members of your family to step up to the plate to give you some 'me time.' You've got too much baggage from the past to make this a suitable arrangement for either one of you. You need some professional intervention before something happens. Obviously, you can't just walk out the door without some planing and arrangements made first---you could find yourself in trouble legally for neglecting a disabled person---but you can and should start working towards finding out what your options are. I'd start with calling your local 2-1-1 phone system, for some referrals in mental health services, social services, caregiver respite---anything the operator might think will help in your situation.

 

Are you or your mom on an antidepressants? That might help her be a little bit more civil and you a bit more able to deal with the stress until you get something else worked out.

 

Please keep in touch and keep checking this thread. Maybe others here will have some good suggestions or at the least, understand your vent and offer you the virtual hugs you deserve.

 

:friends: Jean

 

P.B. We've had a few caregivers here who had emotional baggage from their childhood's come up while having to care for a parent. It is possible to through work that sort of thing with a counselor and come to a much better, life-changing emotional place.

 

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Sae36,

Siorry to hear about what you're experiencing and have experienced in the past as a child. Since you are the designated caregiver for your mom, be sure that whatever you do, you have all legal bases covered for your protection as well as your mom. Is it possible some of her "meanness" can be attributed to the stroke? If so, possiby her medical team can assist. Not that behaviors like that should be expected but knowing the cause may be benefiial. Prestroke, I had worked in the social services field; there are organizations in just about all states tha can be of service.

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mom was like this before her stroke...the meanness.... going to a mental doctor is like saying to these people here that ur crazy and i'm on drugs... that's what it tells these people here...they will use it against u all the time...soc worker is no help.. they only believe the stroke victim which is her not me...i have left 2 times before and everybody around here gripped bout it but i came back and lived by myself until she momma started her mess then i moved the 2nd time and she didn't know where i was at at all and it was like heaven with out her demanding everything...thanks for ya'lls input and suggestions and or advice...the one thing momma does so well or shall i say two things she does so well is lie and be fake..

lieing bout telling the doctor things are ok and or her taking the amount of pills he would put on the bottles of meds for her.... the fake part for her is telling u one thing and talking bout u behind ur back and these 2 things are not good at all...

these people around here only want u to be a robot and have no feelings at all....i have heard one of them tell momma that " i should be thankful for momma letting me stay here".. the way i see it is momma should be thankful that i am here and all the others should be thankful that i'm here and i'm trying to help even tho i rather be some where else... these people are so ungrateful especially momma....

 

thanks for the input, suggestions, and or advice

 

sae

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Dear SAE,

 

I have also read through some of your other posts. I believe that at this point you really need some kind of help for yourself. Your anger feelings, feelings of having a desire to hurt someone could lead you down a path that you really don't want to go.

 

Doctors do listen to caregivers. Do you go to your mother's doctors appointments with her? Maybe you need to make a list of the problems you are having RELATED TO YOUR MOTHER - NOT YOU and discuss them with the doctor.

 

If you are the recipient of any kind of state financial aid you should have a social worker. You need to talk with your social worker about your situation. If you don't have one, you can contact your county social services department, tell them your situation and I believe you will be put in touch with someone who will help you.

 

I will tell you that drinking will not help you in anyway and will probably add to your difficulties. Your situation can only be addressed by professionals. If you choose to leave your mother's home a social worker would intervene, so you need to do what is best for you before the time comes that you have placed yourself in a situation that is very unpleasant.

 

Right now you don't feel there is anything to help, but there is. There is a wealth of good, practical experience here, but rather than saying nothing will help you need to step out and look into finding a solution to your problem. Jean gave you excellent advice. We who are caregivers know that we are listened to, not just the stroke survivor - that statement isn't going to stand up here. You are only a victim now if you allow yourself to be one.

 

So, as has been suggested, look into your options for your mother's care and yours. It sounds as though you are terribly burned out and are carrying alot of pain from your childhood. Counselling could help, and it doesn't mean you are crazy. You don't have to tell anybody what you are doing, or that you are seeing a counselor.

 

Regards,

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:( Please try not to beat yourself up on this as you are in a very touchy situation, and it might not hurt to either involve other family members or social services, through your doctor. -

In lieu of giving up, leaving or drinking, once you get help, you will soon fel better -

 

You are to be applauded for your fine work, though, but at one time or another we all need help - it is not a sign of weakness -

I would talk to your doctor before you collapse, and you need help -

This can be nipped in the bud, by getting help

June :cheer:

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Sae,

 

It's just your thoughts, and you are certainly entitled to believe or feel as you wish, after all it's your life. But, I feel you are not "beyond help" in my eyes looking at your situation as presented in your words.

 

My definition of "beyond help" is when you die, at that point nobody here on earth can help. You need help in my opinion based on what you tell us here. As most of us here are saying, there is help from professionals in those fields, just seek their services.

 

Besides the professionals, there are medications to control all of what you mention is happening in your life at this time. As you know, we are not doctors, but supportive of your concerns to feel better and not hurt.

 

You are still alive because your name has not been called, so you can rise up and get beyond these everyday feelings of despair. The consequences of not wanting to get pass this hurdle in your life will cause undue suffering when you make bad choices of hurting other living people.

 

I feel like we all have answered as you asked us to do. Now, it's your turn to act accordingly. Keep us posted on your outcome, please, we are with you traveling the same highway stopping at the same service stations to refuel so we can continue our recovery journey as care givers and survivors.

 

When you think about it, doesn't it make for a better choice what we are saying in response to your topic?

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The law here says I'm an adult and that i can come and go as i please. see back in 2002 i left here for the first time and momma tryed to put a missing persons report out on me and the cops told her in front of other/others: ma'am we can't do that she is 32 yrs old and she is an adult and she can come and go as she pleases. thats what they told her the day i left home for the first time.

mental health services: more pills for her and pills for me which i dont need cos pills make me high and or spaced out.

social services: the one here doesn't care and or listen to the caregiver of what he/she has to say.

caregiver respite: not sure if one is here.

any kind of doctor( s ) that i have found or had will talk bout u to other people outside his/her office.

to give ya'll an example of how i am when im not living here: i dont hurt anywhere on me when i dont live here. i dont have stress all day and night. i dont have these thoughts or feelings. its like i am free to live even tho im not living here in the house with her. when i was living by myself she would called and asked me if i could pick something up for her and if it wasnt to pricey i would and one of the others would come and get it from me and take it to her. i was able to relax, be able to eat with out forcing myself to eat or almost throwning it up, i was also able to keep my weight under control and keep my attacks under control too. thats what it was like living by myself. now its the other way around. i know if i could be living by myself again things would be better for both of us that i know but with the price of everything and me getting little over 600.00 a month to live on that is not enough to get a place and have what i need to live with for the month. thanks for listening to me ramble on in this post.

 

sae

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Sae,

 

I just did a search using your home town and state plus the words 'social services' and I did find listing for caregiver respite and day care. But I seem to recall you posting somewhere that your mom won't go to day care, so that is out. But the area you're from looks large enough to have services to help her get some help if you decided to move out.

 

Can I ask you exactly what types of things does your mother actually need a caregiver for? Can she shower herself, walk, make phone calls if she needed help? Can she be responsible for her own medication? What I'm getting at is could you live else where but just go to your mom's house for a couple of hours a day and take care of what needed doing? Or get some social services to cover things like showers and medications? That would free you up to find employment and be able to afford to live else where assuming she can be semi-independent. What did she do for care when you did leave before? It doesn't sound like she needs enough care that the police thought you had abandoned/abusing a handicapped person. I think all states, now, have laws against that. Do you have any employable skills? If not, I'll bet you could get state funding to learn a trade that could lead to your independence.

 

Jean

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showers: has help with them from a home health aide 3 days a week and the other days she pays a retired home health aide to shower her.

walks with a walker and has 2 wheelchairs.

phone and something like a life alert thing she would put on when no one else is here in case she falls or get very sick from her dibetes ( type 2 ).

meds she takes all by herself.

care when i left the first time: other family members had to do the cooking, buying the cleaning supplies and washing her clothes unless she said other wise.

i did work w/o pay in a library untill she had her stroke in 95. doctors have said that i cn't work cos i have problems with my feet, legs, and ankles swelling up really bad. i could do some kind of work that wasnt making me stand on my feet all day long.

as far as living in a diffrent place and coming by here for a few hrs a week or day would be find with me if i had like an appartment or house or trailer with a room mate to help with the bills. i did try talking a good male friend into being room mates once but no luck on that one. thanks for listening and understanding

 

 

 

sae

 

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:welcome: Sae,

 

I'm so sorry that you're having a difficult time of it. :( I too am a caregiver to my 23 year old daughter. Rachel had a stroke on 2/17/06. It's a very difficult time for all-the stroke survivor and the caregiver.

 

I'm sure mom feels like a burden, feels like she's lost a lot of self-worth, and would like nothing more then to take care of herself. Unfortunately that can't be done, so it sounds like she's taking it out on you. That can be pretty common from what I've heard from other people in your situation.

 

My daughter would like very much to be independent again, but that's not happening anytime soon.

 

As Jean and others have mentioned, you need intervention. Someone needs to step up to the plate and get the help both you and mom need. Have you tried having a good heart to heart with your family. Tell them point blank that if they don't help you, you will be forced to seek other means for taking care of mom.

 

Have you checked on the local nursing homes in your area?? When it was time for my father to go to one, I went to visit several ones and talk to staff and also took a tour of the facility.

 

Please seek some type of help for you and mom. You sound like you desperately need a break. Come here to visit when you can. Someone is always hear to listen or give advice. :hug:

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  • 2 weeks later...

as far as a nursing home goes she wont go back into one. in 2005 she was put in the hosptial for an "UPPER G.I. BLEED" from her taking all of her pills at that time. the people that work in the nursing home here would take her stuff from her room and never returned them to her. when she was in there she would call the house or call another person and start on how they treat her and how the food taste then when it was like a week or 2 before she left the nursing home she would start crying and telling everyone that she didnt want to be there and that she has changed for the better and that she promised to not fuss and fight here at the house no more and in the same breath she would say some thing like "well she has to not fight and fuss with me and do as she is told". in plain terms she played people. she played head games with them and they bought all of it.

 

thanks for listening

 

 

 

 

sae

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:hug: :hug: to you. Good luck in resolving these issues. Is she able to prepare meals? It does sound like, from your previous posts, there may possibly be family members who will assist if need be. Call on them. If Mom is busy badmouthing you, do you think everyone is really listening to her? And, even if they are, you have done what you can for her and need to care for yourself too. Be sure to doument eerything you decide to do and be sure to follow parameters of the law.

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If you get disability for your self can you apply for housing help I think it is called section 8 here. Your mom could get "meals on wheels" delivered to her. 2 or 3 times a day. and maybe you could go over for a few hours a day to clean or fix one meal.. help with cleanng, laundry or?? I would make an appointment with the Department of social and help services and see if some help and arrangements can be made.

 

Or tell the family you need some help or you will have to leave for your own health and sanity.

 

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Hi SAE,

So sorry you've had such grief from your family. You sound depressed and with good reason. It's difficult to be firm with your parent, but you are entitled to your own life. Your mom needs to know she can't continue to behave this way. If you are somehow legally responsible for her, then you are legally entitled to put her in a nursing home if she needs that level of care. It does sound like she is taking advantage of you. Moms are very good at pouring on the guilt. (I know, I have four kids)

Ask her outright, in a calm nurturing tone, if she wants to live with you. If so, you need to set some ground rules. If not, walk away. It sounds harsh, but you sound desperate. I'm guessing she needs you a lot more than you need her.

I'm a survivor myself. No way would I ever treat my husband like dirt. He takes very good care of me and deserves my respect.

Good Luck,

Carol

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  • 1 month later...

hey all: sorry its been a while since i last posted: as for section/housing 8 they want u to have a place first then aply for help threw them. as for the nursing home she was in there for 21 days after her "upper gi bleed" aka to many pills thats what i say.

little up date on both me and mom's health: both of us have cataracts in both eyes: my right eye will be done before my left one is to be done: mom has the beginnings of them dew to her being type 2: my left eye is the beginnings of one: the doctor that we both went to is very nice he took his time to explain things to us unlike the one i went to before this doctor.im just afraid that momma will start her yelling and screaming for me to do everything for her like she does now. i dont know what i will do if that happens. i just wish that she just walked a yr in my shoes. me screaming and yelling at her to do every thing for me maybe then she would be nicer to me and to others too. sorry for rambling on.

 

take care all have a safe night

sae

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  • 1 month later...

I DONT KNOW ABOUT WHERE YOU LIVE BUT HERE IN OKLAHOMA THEY HAVE THE HOUSING AUTHORITY FOR LOW INCOME OR DISABLE D PEOPLE AND YOU CAN RENT AN APARTMENT THAT GOES BY YOUR INCOME ,i KNOW SOME PEOPLE HERE MAY PAY AS LOW AS $40 OR 50 DOLLARS A MONTH ,AND i BET IF YOU MOVED OUT YOUR OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS WOULD STEP UP TO THE PLATE AND HELP OUT WITH YOUR MOM THEY DON'T NOW BECAUSE THEY KNOW YOUR THERE AND YOU WILL DO IT IF YOU GO YO HUD.GOV ON THE COMPUTER YOU CAN CHECK OUT HOUSING ASSISTANCE PROGRAMS

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