Stroke vs. Career

[pegmbennett]

I am 56 years old and a multiple stroke survivor. I have had 2 major strokes and several TIAs inbetween. My last stroke was on July 4th, 2005. I lost my ability to speak, had facial paralysis on the right side, and my cognitive skills were affected (memory, concentration, learning, multitasking).

 

With hard work, practice, time, and rest I have seen some improvement. My speech is back about 90%, I can smile again, though not perfectly. My cognitive skills have not returned and have had a devasting affect on my career. Plus, I suffer still from mental exhaustion the day after a full day at work (and 2-hr commute).

 

You see, I am a writer. A Senior Technical Writer who writes user manuals, technical specifications and requirements, policies & procedures, etc. I am also a published freelance writer, currently writing for dog magazines.

 

I have been blessed to work for a company that has allowed me to telecommute 2 days per week so that I can rest and recover. But I work in the mortgage industry and have watched the housing bubble start to crack, resulting in cutbacks and layoffs. My boss told me yesterday that layoffs are imminent and that I will be the first to go: (1) because they need me in the office full time and (2) because of my diminished capacity to carry on the increased workload of a senior writer in a reduced staff department.

 

Even though my writing skills are still excellent (I can write as well, just not as fast), my ability to manage large projects (multitask, concentrate, memory) is not good at all I have now gone from the best writer in the department to the least, and that is extremely difficult for me to accept.

 

Now I'm not only looking at being laid off, but I will not be able to take a job at a senior level or senior pay ever again. This will put is in a financial bind at home. I am depressed and scared at what the future holds for me.

 

Have you experienced similar problems? How are you handling it?

 

Peggy

 

 

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[alpinejunkie]

Peggy,

No experiance will be the same as yours but mine is similar. I suffered several strokes in Ocotber of2005. I was a Senior Software Engineer for a consulting firm and I specialized in telecom and DoD work. Now if I work on the computer more than 30 minutes I get very sick. Also my executive skills are shot, Social Security has declared me unemployable. I worked for nine years to get two degrees one in Computer Science and one in math and a couple weeks ago I got confused and stuck helping my nephew complete a two digit addition problem. I have always had fears that I would be forced to take a job like sacking groceries at 47 years old and forced to work graveyard shifts and weekends because of no seniority. Of course SS took care of that.

 

I know spend my time doing things I love to do and always wished I had time to do. I do a lot of reading. I try to learn interesting things that I never had the time to learn before. Just recently I started to teach myself the Recorder. That is a musical instrument they use to get Emementary School kids interested in music. It is just my speed, very chanllenging and cool to learn to play an instrument. Talk about cognitive and left right brain work! I've also found I have an interest in writing myself. I've writen shome short stories and try to write every day.

Do I get depressed? Oh you bet. I get bored soemtimes. I get frustrated sometimes but I've found that is normal for me and I don't get worried about it unless it lasts more than a week or so and I can't get out of it.

Wow you have had so much happen to you and it sounds like you have not had 100% support from the people around you. I've been more lucky, even my employer was great.

Well that's my story or at least a part of it. You found a great place here, keep coming back.

[Shadow55038]

Hi, Peggy:

 

I feel your pain. Every since I've been back at work after my stroke, I've had a lot of turmoil. First of all, people weren't very welcoming. I got a lot of, "Well, you don't look like you had a stroke." And, I got a lot of attitude of, "Get over yourself," and "I'm glad it's you, not me." Someone actually said that to me! I've been back about eight months, and I'm miserable. I've isolated myself from just about everyone and looking for a job that doesn't seem to want to come (I'm in management, too). UGH. The stress has been tough and nobody understands. I go home in tears quite often. I, like you, can't afford a cut in pay, either. It's scary.

 

But, I am trying to be hopeful that God (or someone) will let me do something constructive with this whole stroke deal that I've been dealt. I journal every day, and it seems to be about the only therapy that works for me. Maybe all of us should collaborate on a book!

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I really wish I had some magic words to make you feel better.

Karen

[pegmbennett]

Karen, thank you so much for your nice reply. I really identified with you and your issues. I'd like to correspond more with you, if that is alright. I have to make this quick, as I'm on my way out the door, but I will write more later.

 

Thank you again, your words really helped. :friends:

 

Peggy

[adchill]

I feel the same way because I was a computer programmer and now people (familY members) don't seem to understand that I can't do that stuff again. People don' seem to understand this happened in my brain and just because I do not have the outward signs does not mean I didn't have it happen to me. I am struggling with that as well and love to hear what everyone says.

 

Amy

[2ndChance]

I was a County Attorney when I stroked. I have little cognitive damage, but I grabbed the opportunity to retire my license and work my way back down the career ladder to do something I really love instead of something that impresses others. I Do NOT miss the money or power. Maybe you could now teach technical writing at a local College, or write about dogs full time? I know it's hard but use your LTD or SSDI benefits to carry you until you transition to something else. What about contacting yourv local ASA Office and offer to help write/revise their Stroke Resource Guide? You may want to work with your local state Vocational Rehabilitation Office to help you brainstorm ideas.

 

Rene

[Guest mjh]

They want to fire you because you cannot work at the same pace you used to before the stroke. Sounds like Disability Discrimination to me. Sue the *beeps*! I really wish that I had sued my employer who fired me because I could not think fast enough. I'm so bitter about that I want to see the collapse of the entire capitalist system!

[2ndChance]

It's not discrimination if you can no longer perform the duties of the job for which you were hired. But in the US the feds fund a Disability Protection & Advocacy Office in every state just for this sort of thing. Why not call the California office? http://www.pai-ca.org/

 

Rene

[bstockman]

I was bummed when I realized I could not go back to my job.. I walk with a limp and at times tend to drop things. I can no longer think quickly, have memory problems, am dyslexic and can get emotional quite easily ... lots of noise, commotion and things going on at once.. and I can't handle it.

 

I was a certified Medical Assistant (with an over 20 yr back ground as a level A pharmacy tech) I worked for a Dr who was a surgeon, she did GYN. and specialized in high risk OB. I understood my deficits and would in no way put a patient at risk ... so I am medically retired.

 

I have decided this stroke happed to ..... slow me down and have time to smell the cofee, enjoy our 5 acres .. we have 6 dogs. Life is different, but it is happy. I still have times when I get frustrated.. not remembering how to do things.. but I can be tenacious and try to not give up... I have worked and made progress on focus and tracking ability. I play some computer games to help with that and also my attention span.

 

I am a bit slower at accomplishing things... due to attention span, and fatigue... so I have adjusted to a slower pace of life.

[Guest yin]

Hi Peggy,

 

You remind me of the struggle I had over being medically retired at 37. But I had a job, I never had a career. I was shocked when I realized how much my identity and self esteem was wrapped up in a job title. It took some time for me to accept I would never hold a job again. I hated not being a contributing part of the household and I felt adrift because I saw myself as no longer a productive part of society.

 

Those days five years ago were a struggle emotionally and mentally. Fast forward to today 5 years post stroke..I love being retired. Yesterday was a beautiful spring day with the sun shining and 65 degrees. I spent a huge part of the day sitting on my patio day dreaming over what projects I'd like to do and sipping my sweet tea and just basically hanging out enjoying the day.I sure was smug thinking how pre stroke I would have been inside at a desk job missing the day. I also was programmed five years ago to constantly be productive. I never would have taken the time to just chuck the housework and just live in the moment with not a care in the world.

 

But to me. that has become the beauty of being retired, the silver lining to having survived a stroke, a huge bonus to being medically retired. Being able to enjoy and live every day to the fullest. That isn't just a concept I mouth, I live it every day. But it took an awful adjustment to my way of thinking for me to progress to this point. My life is full and satisfying and I am finally content. Contentment was always elusive as was happiness pre stroke, no longer is that the case.

You'll find your niche post stroke, but it will take some time. Just start adding things one at a time and eventually you'll be surprised that your situation isn't as bad as it seems right now.As for the finances, are you able to file for long term disability or social security disability? You won't get rich on either of those but it helps ease the financial burden.

I wish you lots of luck and hugs on your quest to put your life back together. It will be long and hard and probably filled with tears and frustrations, but just keep telling yourself it is worth it, you are worth it.

Yin

[Budweiser]

I was an Engineering Servoice Manager for Special Elevators. I did design, schedule, purchase, install, measure the sites etc... The owner was going to let me start running it (like the GM). I now unable to work here as well as I unable to do anything right now. My speech/language is too hard as well as my short memory and my speed is too slow. If I do something hard (with my brain), I get bad headaches and I get tired (brain tired). I'm near 2 years post stroke and I still have very hard problems I sure alot here that go through this also.

 

I have lost my career and so much more as well as alot of money. I can get through the day to day with the money I get now but it's like so small money that is scares me. Everything has gone up in expensives but I haven't had a raise in two years. I'm lucky is a way that I didn't have kids or others to help them with money so I only have to look after me.

 

One day I was on the top of the world until some 18 year old falls asleep (headon car accident) and now I'm in the bottom like alot of us.

 

I hope all of us can get through this in one way or another.

 

Bill

[dstraugh]

Peggy,

Sorry to hear about what you are experiencing. Prestroke, I was in the Social Services field. 8 years pre I was the Program Director at a nonprofit agency. Myself and my staff worked with families involved with Child Protective Services. In October, 2004 I became directly employed by CPS in an Investigations Unit. As I was still on probation at the time of my stroke, I was fired as I could no longer perform my duties. I am medically disabled, receiving SSDI. As I am a single mom, many challenges are presented daily to work through. I take one day at a time, thankful that I survived.

[pegmbennett]

It's not discrimination if you can no longer perform the duties of the job for which you were hired. But in the US the feds fund a Disability Protection & Advocacy Office in every state just for this sort of thing. Why not call the California office? http://www.pai-ca.org/

 

Great Advocacy link. I will read about their services; it's good to know there are places like that. Many thanks,

 

Peggy

[pegmbennett]

Sorry to hear about what you are experiencing. Prestroke, I was in the Social Services field. 8 years pre I was the Program Director at a nonprofit agency. Myself and my staff worked with families involved with Child Protective Services. In October, 2004 I became directly employed by CPS in an Imvestigations Unit. As I was still on probation at the time of my stroke, I was fired as I could no longer perform my duties. I am medically disabled, receiving SSDI. As I am a single mom, many challenges are presented daily to work through. I take one day at a time, thankful that I survived.

Donna, I appreciate your encouraging words. Your situation is very sad, I admire your ability to keep going with a positive attitude.

 

How did your stroke affect you? Was it difficult to get SSDI? I am considering it.

 

Peggy

 

I was a County Attorney when I stroked. I have little cognitive damage, but I grabbed the opportunity to retire my license and work my way back down the career ladder to do something I really love instead of something that impresses others. ........ What about contacting yourv local ASA Office and offer to help write/revise their Stroke Resource Guide? You may want to work with your local state Vocational Rehabilitation Office to help you brainstorm ideas.

 

That is a good tip on contacting the ASA Office, as well as the Voc Rehab Office. I'll check with them both. I also like your comment about "backing down the ladder", as that is what I will be doing. I hope to be able to find something I enjoy like you!

 

Peggy

[pegmbennett]

Bonnie,

 

Thank you for your nice note. I also think that my stroke happened to make me slow down, to enjoy life instead of watching it fly by. I have the same issues as you, I can't think quickly, have memory problems, and cry at the drop of a hat. I also get frustrated when I cannot do or remember something like entering checks or balancing my checkbook. I really notice my attention span problems when I'm on the Inet. I find myself far away from my original thought and search. But I have found some good websites that way too.

 

I didn't know if my fatigue was normal after 2 years, but I see you still have problems too. I notice that after I go grocery shopping I am especially fatigued. I have finally come to the conclusion that it is because of all the scanning for product on the shelves and reading labels, as well as remembering what is on my list that my brain is overloladed with information and I have to rest.

 

I'm hoping that I will find something to work at that I can enjoy and do well. I know it won't be in my chosen profession, but that's okay. Hoping that another opportunity will open up.

 

It's good to know that my problems are "normal" for a stroke survivor.

 

Peggy

[pegmbennett]

I feel the same way because I was a computer programmer and now people (familY members) don't seem to understand that I can't do that stuff again. People don' seem to understand this happened in my brain and just because I do not have the outward signs does not mean I didn't have it happen to me. I am struggling with that as well and love to hear what everyone says.

 

I think that your computer development skills and my tech writing skills are linear-type cognitive skills, that's why we can no longer do them well. The understanding, remembering, and multi-tasking that is involved in our line of work have been severely damaged. I just tell people to image that someone flipped a switch and now they can no longer remember how to tie their shoes, read a book, or brush our teeth. Little things like that don't show on our faces, we don't act "crazy" or "dumb" all the time. These skills are occasionally used, not continually.

 

It's feels like someone just flipped a switch and now I'm a different person than I was 2 years ago. But I hope to find out that the person I have become is better and happier.

 

Peggy

 

You found a great place here, keep coming back.

 

You are right, this IS a great place. It's nice to find support by others who have gone through similar circumstances.

 

I was laid off from my job today. I know that it had to do with not being able to perform all the functions I did pre-stroke, and never will again. But maybe someone is telling me to slow down now and enjoy life.

 

"The first day of the rest of my life"...wow. I hope this next journey is smoother and more fun than the first half!

 

Peggy

[sanfranciscofish]

dear peggy, there,s a lot i want to say about it, so i will return, if i may. mcvey.

[dstraugh]

Peggy,

My stroke was from a clot in the right side of my brain and has affected my left side. I have hemiparesis of left leg and arm/hand. I am able to motivate around my apartment with an AFO and either a hemiwalker or quadcane. On "good days" I can walk around the apt. w/o walker or cane. My left arm is slowly returning but no where near functional yet - I keep hopin and workin on it everyday. The left side of my face and mouth is partially paralyzed. Speech is only affected when I'm tired or frustrated.

 

I was successful in getting SSDI on the first go-around. I guess my doc did an excellent job of reporting my deficits. I feel extremely fortunate as I have heard of the horrors others have gone through.

[PVINSON5]

I LOST MY INDUSTRIAL ENGINEERING JOB FOR 18 YEARS. MY SALARY WAS $80K.

 

I STARTED COLLEGE AT 24 TO MISSISSIPPI STATE AND THEN TRANSFERED TO TEXAS OF AUSTIN FOR 5 YEARS. MY BROTHER DIED SO I, NEVER COMPLETED GOVERNMENT AND PHISIOLOGY. TWO YEARS AND I WAS OVER HIS ESTATE. THEN MOVE TO JACKSON, MS AS:

 

KANE DITTO, MAYOR, COMMUNICATION OF DIRECTOR, FIVE YEARS

CASINO, ISLE OF CAPRI - BILOXI AND VICKSBURG, MS - 2 YEARS BEFORE THE BUILDINGS WERE DEVELOPED - COMMUNICATION - 8 YEARS

AT&T - INDUSTRIAL ENGINEER - 3 YEARS AND 6 MONTHS - THEN TO

 

BELLSOUTH - INDUSTRIAL ENGINEERING - 4 MONTHS - STROKE AT 46 YEARS OF AGE. PATTY

[Guest hostmel]

Peggy -

 

Welcome - Sorry to hear about your job but I really think you are taking the best attitude towards the whole situation. After I got through the anger and frustration stage I am looking at this time after stroke as my second chance at life to do what I really wanted to do in the first place- teach. I was also a programmer and business analyst (=debugger of programming) prior to stroke , earning a very nice living.

 

Recently I was discussing my options of going back to work with my speech therapist and she told me that the right side of the brain is where most people process logic and reasoning so now I understand why when I try to go back to reviewing some of the code I once wrote - I don't get it, it just no longer makes sense. But I still understand some of the basic concepts so I'm trying to re-learn what I can although I don't know that I'll go back to the high-stress business environment - it is no longer worth it to me.

 

Since I've been home from the stroke and approved for SSDI on the first try (lucky, I guess)). I have been able to be at home when my daughter comes home from school, spend more time with my husband and do a lot of things that I had put off when I was too busy working to be bothered,

 

I've also become a bit of an advocate about stroke - getting information out to people in my little corner of the world by submitting information to local newspapers, participating in local health fairs and generally being a pain in my family's *beep* about taking care of their health.... :big_grin:

 

I'm writing more, reading more, listening to books on tape, spending time with people who I really enjoy and not those that I think I have to give my time to and resting - life takes energy, naps are good for you!

 

so, Bravo! Take this new lease on life with as much gusto as you can - go for SSDI and any other help you can get - that is what it is there for :blush:

 

I wish you the best - good thoughts wishes and :hug: :hug: :hug:

[pegmbennett]

dear peggy, there,s a lot i want to say about it, so i will return, if i may. mcvey.

Yes, I would love to hear about your journey. Please share...

Peggy :hug:

[pegmbennett]

 

 

Mel,

 

Hello! Thank you so very much for your post. Not only was inspirational, but you gave me hope that I can get on SSDI without years of hassle.

 

Can you please give me some pointers on how to go about obtaining SSDI? Any issues or requirements I need to watch out for?

 

I'm concerned because I don't LOOK like I've had a stroke. My deficits are primarily cognitive in nature. Inasmuch as I am a writer, I am also concerned that I can no longer freelance if I'm on SSDI.

 

Peggy

[pegmbennett]

 

 

 

PVINSON5

 

You are the same age as I was when I had my first stroke (46). Could it be that we were under such stress that our bodies found some way to slow us down?

 

Did you find yourself depressed when your career ended? I think I would feel differently if I was retiring, because it would be my choice. Being stroke-disabled took away my choices, which is hard to accept.

 

Are you on SSDI?

 

Peggy

[PureStirling]

Hi Peggy,I to will never be able to work at my pre stroke job , which was in a grocery store for 32 years. But not enough of a blow to self respect then my volunteer job got taken away, from one hospital. So now trying another hospital. They are trying out a new area of help to seniors in a brand new program

 

 

Kent

[kanderson]

hi peggy, i too was not able to return to my job after stroke from clot which left me with lt sided paralysis. i was an office manager for 2skilled nursing facilities in 2 different cities so i was commuting alot, i tried to go back but to many cognitive deficits for i was responsible for payroll for over150 employees, accts receivable and accts payable and managed 4 employees and rt. hand to the administrator of the facility, i was the main breadwinner in my family so the financial setback was hard, but we manage. i too think the stroke was meant to slow me down, its hard to accept, but i was getting run down prior to stroke, i worked over 60hrs a week, i am now on ssdi, thank goodness for some help, my husb has his own business but had a heart attack a year before my stroke. i do understand and wish you the best in your life post stroke. hostkimmie