Guest kerrymom7 Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 I am a caregiver to my mom she was 56 when she had her stroke a year and a half ago. I try to explain to my family that my mom died on the Septmber 14, 2005. They get so mad at me. She is still here but different and no longer the mom who loved to boss me around (in a good way) made me call her on a daily basis who took my kids to chuckee cheese. She is not my mom anymore. The stroke has left a three year old in my moms body. I cry alot. I find I cannot remember what her voice sounded like before the stroke. I am starting to forget the little things. How do you mourn while the person you lost to stroke while taking care of the person they are now? Kerry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jriva Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 . Anyone who can't see that we mourn the loss of old relationships when those relationships changes after a stroke in the family isn't thinking clearly or being very fair. Mourning our losses is part of the acceptance journey and it's HARD. Maybe if you reworded your statement to say that your mother/daughter relationship died 9-14-05 instead of saying your mom died, your family would 'get it?' We have a topic in the classics forum about the stages of grief. You should look it up sometime. Close, hands-on caregivers do need to grieve and move through the stages, not get stuck along the line. Jean Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest HostLinda Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 Hi my Dear Friends... My relationship with my husband died on Jan 7,2001.. Yes I got very angry to (at this point) what ever took him(his mind) from me... It took me 2+ years to except what had happened.. You see it took 4 yrs to get a diagnosis.. Mike was diagnosised on Jan7th,2005 with Gluten Ataxia.. It is put of Celiac disease.. Gluten Ataxia afects the brain.. You can have stroke like episodes,dementia,numbness in purts of your body,ect.. Mike has short term memory loss,gait trouble,numbness on parts of his body(face,arm,leg,). Yes it sure can be hard to lose(which was)the person to any kind of brain damage.. Mike is doing good these day, as long as I keep him away from Gluten(wheat,rye,barley,malt,oats).. We are doing good.... We both had to except it all... Mikes had time was not driving and never going to work again to the job he had for 25 yrs.. Mike can drive some now... Really we are doing well..... Take care of eachother and God Bless HostLinda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glaidice Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 I didnt't know where to post this, but Thank you for your sympathies on the death of my husband. It has been greatlt appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dstraugh Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 Thoughts and prayers are still with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spulido01 Posted April 14, 2007 Share Posted April 14, 2007 Wow, when I read your post it was like reading my own. My mom too had a stroke and 56 (this was 5 1/2 years ago on October 13, 2001.) We now care for her daily. She can't speak other than yes, no and can count to 5, 6 on a good day. She is paraylized on her right side completely. After this happend to my mom I purchased a book on strokes - you know to find out what I could. One of the comments (a whole chapter really) said it was natuaral to mourn the stoke victim. You have lost the person you once knew. I felt this was so true (even though my hubby doens't get it really) but I too lost the mom who I spoke to every day, who bossed me around. The thing I miss most is hearing my mom tell me she loves me. Sharon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slmstrokeangel Posted April 14, 2007 Share Posted April 14, 2007 We mourn ourselves too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dora Posted August 8, 2007 Share Posted August 8, 2007 i agree very much so with the comment above. we mourn the loss of ourselves. i am a totally different personality now than who i was before, directly after, and now 3 years after my injury. much of it has to do with maturity, because i am so young, but my personality changes have been extreme, often with the changes of medication. so sometimes i mourn the loss of the mother i was, the wife i was, and the life i had, before this whole mess. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jsingleton Posted August 8, 2007 Share Posted August 8, 2007 First of all Kerry, I want to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. If I could, I'd send you a good LONG hug through this screen. It sounds like you really need one right about now. My grandma had several small strokes. This was about 14 years ago. After the 2nd stroke, she was no longer the grandma I knew and loved. She was my mom's mother. My mom, aunt (her sister) and I all said the same thing, it was like grandma was already gone. She was never the same. Before the stroke she was a feisty go-go-getter. She was nothing at all like her previous self after the stroke. When my grandma passed away a few years later the saddest thing was, we had already mourned her being gone years before (due to the stroke), it was like we had lost her a long time ago. So I really do understand what you are saying, and I can only hope that you will be able to get through this and find some peace. Judi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myhome Posted August 8, 2007 Share Posted August 8, 2007 I beleive that your mother never actually died when she had her stroke, she just went to another place. No one can say for sure that your mother won't recover (not even the doctors). I've seen so many what I'd like to call miracles in the last year that I beleive anything is possible so don't you give up hope, it's a day to day battle. My prayers are with your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merly Posted November 2, 2007 Share Posted November 2, 2007 It is very very hard to live with the knowledge that someone we love is there in body, but their spirit has changed. Over many years, I have become less and less important to my mother. (As a daughter) I accept this (most of the time lol). I have always cared for her in one way or another, and when she had her stroke, after a time I believe she thought of me as a kind of surrogate mother. I mourn the mother I had but I understand that she will never come back. I am still working on how to do that on a day to day basis. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Louise1 Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 slimstrokeangel, you put those few simple words into so much meaning for me right now. I think the depression that I've been feeling lately (more like anger, than depression) is that indirectly I'm mourning myself and the way I use to be. As caregivers there seems to be a lot more that we must give up on a daily basis. Not only is Tony in a rehab facility, my 85 year old mom just fell and broke her nose and is bruised badly, my oldest son is disabled due to kidney issues and my youngest son just lost his job, I'm overwhelmed with paperwork, keeping our home and working. Am I bitter? No, I don't think so, I'm just so exhausted all the time so yes, I agree with you 100%. Thank you for letting me see that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swilkinson Posted November 8, 2007 Share Posted November 8, 2007 Kerry probably won't see our posts as she has not been on the board since June. I think that this is still a good thread to keep up though as it applies to the way we mourn our losses and those of our loved ones. My Mum has had mini strokes as well as now being in the depths of Alzheimers. I had her live with me from 1999 - 2002 before I put her into care in a Dementia specific Lodge where she still is today at the age of 89. Ray after four strokes was taking up more of my time and I could not adequately take care of both of them. In the changeover it was hard to keep up our relationship but I have somehow managed to do so. I have continued to visit Mum at least twice a week. At first I was able to bring her home for meals, take her for drives etc. She still came home for Christmas, birthday parties any other family event. In the end, as she could no longer get in and out of the car that became impossible so I made all my visits to her at the Lodge. Now I just sit beside her and stroke her hand or sing to her, read to her, whatever I can do to get some reaction from her. I think I have done a lot of my grieving over the years. As she lost each skill, emotional response or function I grieved for what she had lost and what I lost of our relationship because of the loss. I would never say I lost my Mum at any specific point in time. I do miss the way she used to be but I am determined that she will remain my MOST BELOVED MUM right to the end of her days. I figure if I feel that somehow she is not my Mum I am also no longer the daughter she would have expected me to be. And I do feel that the spirit of my Mum is locked into that frail old body somehow and maybe sometimes she sees me and smiles and is reassured by me being there. I do treasure every smile, every hand squeeze, every sign that reminds me of the person she once was. The personality that once shone so brightly now fading like a flickering candle is never the less the spirit of my Mum. I know it is easier for me to relate to her because I do not look after her 24/7 and I do know that how I feel about Mum is nothing to how I feel about Ray and his losses of ability. To me, living with Ray is like living on the edge of a vulcano, while looking at Mum is like looking at the reflections in a lake. Sorry if I have stumbled on here. The truth is somewhere in what I have written, but only the truth as it applies to me. Sue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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