Abusing Narocotics


Guest faithycan

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Guest faithycan

Hi,

 

My husband and I were both in AA for over 18 years. Not to take his inventory, but he has been abusing pain meds. Long story short, he went to a pain clinic and they were trying to get him off, he flipped out and started screaming and yelling at myself and my daughter and her husband. All of a sudden this week, he is happy as a clam. I cannot prove it, but I think he is having our son sneak pain meds in the house. I have to talk to my son on Friday, and hopefully he will tell the truth. I just don't know what to do. I wouldn't tolerate drug abuse if he didn't have the stroke, and I won't tolerate it now. I asked him about it and he denied everything. ( he has a history of herion and downers). Short of leaving him, I am at a loss. I wanted to have a family meeting but not sure how that will work. His other son and our daughters don't want to be involved.

 

Thanks,

Faith

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Faith,

 

What about conducting an intervention with outside sources - medical personnel and/or clergy and friends.

 

He may have talked your son into supplying him. Be careful yourself; if he feels threatened, he may lash out at you.

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hi faith, i am sorry you are having to deal with this issue. i wish i had the answers you need but i don't. can you talk to his doctor to make them aware of this and maybe they could help. drugs are always obtainable it seems. perhaps your son will solve this issue for you. i send you lots of hugs and best wishes during this time.

kanderson

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Guest faithycan

I tried an intervention before the stroke, it worked. But now it is like he has a license to use (stroke). My only alternative if nothing else works is to leave. I cannot be in a house where this runs rapid. My sobriety means the world to me. I wouldn't care if they put him on a low dose of something, through his doctor. I give him his meds, and when he was out of pain meds, he called me controlling and etc. I know you only hear my side, which isn't fair but it is the truth as I see it. I am sure he is in pain, but my question is this? Are there many stroke patients on narcotics? He is 56. He is also taking anti-depressant, Baclofen, Lycria( for nerve pain). He was like an abusive wild animal when he doesn't have his pills. Funny thing is, he has an AA meeting every week at the house. You would think he would at least confess this. But like I told him, to thine own self be true. I have to let go of this or it will destroy my sanity and peace of mind. I work 40 hours a week also, then I come home and relieve my daughter, give Tom a shower, (upstairs). His left side is affected. He has very little use of his left arm. He is walking with a quad cane, he is shaky but good. If I left him the guilt would kill me. Please pray that I say the right words to my son (he is 22) and really doesn't know any better or else he doesn't want to listen to his father.

 

Thanks for being here for me.

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Faith,

 

My thoughts and prayers will be with you. I hope your son does provide you with the answers you need. Be cautious on walking out on hubby due to legal issues.

 

I would confer with his doctor regarding the narcotics and him being in recovery (or prior recovery).

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Guest faithycan

Hi All,

 

Thanks for your support. I talked to my son and he said he didn't give him anything. I am going to take his word. Only other thing might be when he went to the hospital last week and they gave him a script for something. I hate this not knowing, I feel in my heart I am right, but I have no proof. So I do nothing for now. Thanks for listening.

 

Faith

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:( Faith - sad to say, he cannot tell the truth, if he is using, so check with his AA counselor to see what to do -

Impress on him how he is endangering hi life

GOOD LUCK

June :cheer:

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Hopefully his sponsor can get him to fess up but it may be difficult if he won't admit there's a problem. You may be forced into another intervention situation.

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If he has a Dr appointment coming up, you may try to talk to the Dr or nurse and tell them what you suspect. Maybe the Dr will run a blood test for drugs. Or he could get the ER records to see what they wrote the prescription for.

 

Hi Dr should be aware of anything he is taking.

 

Do you go to Al anon meetings? Be careful and be safe.

 

You can only do what you can do.. Hopefully, with his sponsor he will be truthful.

 

(((((HUGS)))

 

 

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Faith,

 

I've been in Al Anon for four years. I take my husband to AA meetings almost every night. If you've been in AA very long you know about taking your husband's inventory - you already said it. I know women who have lived with hisbands in active addiction for years. (And I know an elderly man who's wife is in active alcoholism and has been for 30+ years.) Nobody can take your sobriety/serenity away from you except you. You must work on YOUR program. I guesss I'd suggest you reread the chapter to the wives and to the family from the Big Book to help you get some clarity.

 

The other thing I'd suggest is some Al Anon meetings - even on-line if you can't get out to any meetings. You really need to work your own program. At a meeting Sunday evening a woman said she just couldn't grasp the concept until she came to understand that she didn't need to know everything in order to gain serenity. There are things in my husband's past that would probably drive me crazy if I knew them.

 

I know your sobriety can withstand anything as long as your are in the right spiritual condition. That means it's time for you to really take control of your own program. You can't base your serenity on your husband's sobriety.

 

By the way, my husband had over 16 years of sobriety before he went out the last time. We had 3 months sobriety before he had his first major stroke. Nobody, including his sponsor, can get him to be honest unless he is willing. You've been in the program a long time and I know you've heard all this before. Take care of YOU!!

 

Warmly,

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Guest karenanne

:hug: My dear Friend,

 

When I hit the wall with a problem in sobriety, the first thing I do is call my sponsor. I make an appointment to spell out the whole problem, if it can't be done in a simple phone conversation. I listen to my sponsor's intermittent responses, and I don't interrupt, but I stay focused and continue my story until I get it all out. Then I remind my sponsor that I'm feeling powerless and (sometimes) hopeless, that perhaps I know the answer by instinct but more likely I don't. I remind her, because I want to "put it out there," that her guidance means everything to me, because my sobriety is a life and death issue. I ask for her support, her guidance and her direction. I then take her direction. Right now, I am going through a terribly sad family situation, so I know all too well the kind of pain you're feeling. Without my sponsor, I'd be completely lost, much sadder, much more dangerously depressed; I'd be without focus and my spirit would feel that "dying" thing. That's how important this subject is to me. I also stay closer than ever to my meetings, particularly my women's meetings. I stay busy with service, in AA and out, while also making sure to balance my life with as much peace as possible.

 

Lest this sound like I'm the perfect AA member with "the solution," I most certainly am not. I had fourteen years of sobriety. I went out for six years, with lots of "rationalizations." I'm finally back for a year and seven months.

 

I had to learn the hard way.

 

I do not wish that upon you.

 

God bless you for sharing your experience, and know that there are prayers from loving people all around you.

 

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Guest faithycan

:hug: My dear Friend,

 

When I hit the wall with a problem in sobriety, the first thing I do is call my sponsor. I make an appointment to spell out the whole problem, if it can't be done in a simple phone conversation. I listen to my sponsor's intermittent responses, and I don't interrupt, but I stay focused and continue my story until I get it all out. Then I remind my sponsor that I'm feeling powerless and (sometimes) hopeless, that perhaps I know the answer by instinct but more likely I don't. I remind her, because I want to "put it out there," that her guidance means everything to me, because my sobriety is a life and death issue. I ask for her support, her guidance and her direction. I then take her direction. Right now, I am going through a terribly sad family situation, so I know all too well the kind of pain you're feeling. Without my sponsor, I'd be completely lost, much sadder, much more dangerously depressed; I'd be without focus and my spirit would feel that "dying" thing. That's how important this subject is to me. I also stay closer than ever to my meetings, particularly my women's meetings. I stay busy with service, in AA and out, while also making sure to balance my life with as much peace as possible.

 

Lest this sound like I'm the perfect AA member with "the solution," I most certainly am not. I had fourteen years of sobriety. I went out for six years, with lots of "rationalizations." I'm finally back for a year and seven months.

 

I had to learn the hard way.

 

I do not wish that upon you.

 

God bless you for sharing your experience, and know that there are prayers from loving people all around you.

Good morning,

you sharing meant the world to me. Actually I have been going back to meetings since last Saturday, and I am trying to find another sponsor. There aren't many women sponsors around with 20 years of sobriety. I have been taking my husband Tom (stroke) to meetings and we both spoke last Wednesday. It brought tears to my eyes just listening to him. I know he is in a lot of pain with this stroke, and he is doing great managing the percosets (20 of them) and I hold them, and when they go, they go:) On the way home he shared how wonderful he felt when we first got sober and we both went to a lot of meetings...thus the light bulb went off. He was so right, we went to 7 meetings, commitments, etc, with 6 kids at home and both of us sobering up. We put other things over the years first with our soberity. But we are both back to basics and I have started taking care of myself and staying out of his program. It is hard because we he does affects the household and his health. But I pray alot and say the serenity prayer alot:)..thanks for the kind words. I am also not going to sponsor anyone until I take care of myself. take care, Faith

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Karenanne,

 

Glad you got in on this topic, I see it's your first so we'd all like to welcome you officially in the introduction forum for newbies. Let us hear from you soon.

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Hi Faith,

 

I'm so glad you got back into the rooms of AA. I've heard it said so often that without the rooms it is just about impossible to work a good program - let alone any program at all. Since you and your husband are both in recovery it makes for even more complications when you or your husband let outside issues take over. I do try to remember that what I do affects my husband and our household just like what he does affects me and the household. The 12 step recovery program of Al Anon has really taught me to take the focus off him and put it on me, especially when it's more comfortable to point a finger and forget there are 3 pointing back at me.

 

I've met many women in AA who work wonderful programs with many fewer years than 20 in the program. I'd encourage you not to let that 20 year number get in the way of finding a sponsor for yourself. As you know, you will find the right person by listening in the meetings to her experience, strength and hope. A year of working a program seriously with a sponsor may be just as important as 20 years of sobriety without the benefit of the rooms and a sponsor!

 

Best wishes to you and your husband. I do know the medication issues for the AA/adict. My husband loves to take pills. I have to monitor his medication closely - he is unable to do so himself. At one time when he seemed to be obsessing over vitamins I asked him what was going on. His response was that it seemed the only thing he had control over. Intersting, huh?

 

Anyway - each of us has a program of our own, and if we are working our own program to the very best of our ability we don't have so much of a challenge taking our spouse's inventory I don't think. (At least that's how it works for me!) By getting back into the rooms of AA you'll begin hearing again all those things that were so important to you early on. It'll help keep it all green for you.

 

Keep coming back,

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest faithycan

Hi Faith,

 

I'm so glad you got back into the rooms of AA. I've heard it said so often that without the rooms it is just about impossible to work a good program - let alone any program at all. Since you and your husband are both in recovery it makes for even more complications when you or your husband let outside issues take over. I do try to remember that what I do affects my husband and our household just like what he does affects me and the household. The 12 step recovery program of Al Anon has really taught me to take the focus off him and put it on me, especially when it's more comfortable to point a finger and forget there are 3 pointing back at me.

 

I've met many women in AA who work wonderful programs with many fewer years than 20 in the program. I'd encourage you not to let that 20 year number get in the way of finding a sponsor for yourself. As you know, you will find the right person by listening in the meetings to her experience, strength and hope. A year of working a program seriously with a sponsor may be just as important as 20 years of sobriety without the benefit of the rooms and a sponsor!

 

Best wishes to you and your husband. I do know the medication issues for the AA/adict. My husband loves to take pills. I have to monitor his medication closely - he is unable to do so himself. At one time when he seemed to be obsessing over vitamins I asked him what was going on. His response was that it seemed the only thing he had control over. Intersting, huh?

 

Anyway - each of us has a program of our own, and if we are working our own program to the very best of our ability we don't have so much of a challenge taking our spouse's inventory I don't think. (At least that's how it works for me!) By getting back into the rooms of AA you'll begin hearing again all those things that were so important to you early on. It'll help keep it all green for you.

 

Keep coming back,

Thank you so much. It is so true. Tom wanted the bank card and credit card when he was in the hospital, and I asked him why? He said the same thing, it is the only thing he has control over. Which is very sad. I do think that is why (although he says it is back pain and leg pain that he sleeps downstairs), he can wheel himself to the back door and smoke:)..anyhow, I believe your right about sponsors but I do want someone with years, even if it isn't 20. Also, I have started a step meeting so, that is one thing that I prayed about and it happened. I couldn't find a step meeting, and I went to a discussion meeting, and found it it was changed to a step! You get what you pray for. Thanks for all the help.

 

Faith

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Faith,

 

Glad you found a Step meeting to attend. I would though look for a sponsor with some years under her belt if not the 20. You definitely don't want a novice. Plus, you have all of us as supporters. Hang in there!!

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Guest faithycan

Faith,

 

Glad you found a Step meeting to attend. I would though look for a sponsor with some years under her belt if not the 20. You definitely don't want a novice. Plus, you have all of us as supporters. Hang in there!!

 

Donna,

 

Thanks for the advice and support. I too agree I do not need a novice. Thank GOD there are people like you on here:)

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Faith and Donna,

 

The reason I encourage looking for sobriety and program rather than years in a program of recovery is that I know many people who, although they say they are sober go out after a number of years. They don't read the literature, they don't work with a sponsor, they don't sponsor others - but they go into the rooms. When they speak it is about "when I first came in the rooms". I know a woman who has been in the rooms for 25 years, who's sponsor has gone out, who is a nervous wreck because her son is out there - but she has 25 years. For this reason I still encourage you to look at each individual's recovery - not necessarily the number of years in recovery. What kind of program is the individual working? Do they work with a sponsor? Do they sponsor others? Do they attend meetings? Do they speak with wisdom? When they speak in meetings is their experience fresh? These are much more important attributes than the number of years in a program. I personally know of people with two years' sobriety who work a much better program and have much more experience, strength and hope to offer than others with 15 or 20 or even 25 years.

 

I'm glad you've found a step meeting you feel will help you. You are right - when we are spiritually right and we pray that which we need is provided.

 

And that's my own experience, strength and hope.

 

Warmly,

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Faith,

 

I'm probably going to get heck because of this, but it has to be said.

My Dad was on painmeds with a whiskey chaser before he left us so I know what you are going through. My Mom had a outside organization intervene the last time, it worked for awhile but he had plenty of ways of getting his stash. We kids refused to supply him, then he turned on us.

As he used to use the strap on us kids, it wasn't hard to make our move and leave enmasse, we were just old enough to move out and the younger ones lived with me and my girlfriend for awhile.(this was 35 yrs. ago)

My Mom took the abuse for as long as she could then she as well left. He eventually ended up in a nursing home were he was watched constantly.

Long story short, he continued on with his meds and booze, and ended up in the hospital with most of his organs shut down, he died at 54 yrs. just shortly after our wedding (which he couldn't attend).

Don't let him drag you down with him, you need to try once more then do what you have to do. I know some here are saying stay with him, but you have to do what's good for you, and they never lived with someone like my Dad.

 

 

Stu

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Guest faithycan

Stu

Thanks for your advice,

I actually have gotten that advice from my friends in AA. I found a sponsor at a meeting I went to, she has 26 years of sobriety and I have been using her.

 

Here is an update on what has been going on. Tom went to the doc last friday and got a script for val and percoset. he had fallen on his stroke side when my son took him out, (tom didn't wait to go down the stairs, he did it on his own). he is very banged up, so that is what the doc gave him. Next visit he is trying nerve blockers? Tom's sister took him and she is very aware of his drug problem having living with it growning up. Long story short, F, S were fine. Sunday morning I had got up and there were 6 pills missing. I keep them in a bowl on the shelf. he denied everything, and accused me of losing them..I let it go, long story short - Monday came and he had an epifany. Let me take over all the pills he said. ok, I lost it then..I told him how dangerous that was - he just in reality wanted the drugs. He said he wanted to be responsible. yeah I was thinking, a drug addict being responsible. But I let go and let GOD and gave him everything, come Tuesday, he royally screwed his reg meds up. So I pointed out gently - that he could get himself in real trouble doing this. He agreed and said take them - but he said, you through the percoset and valium bottle out - I looked at him and said - oh no - your handling them..you see there was a method to my madness. He had managed to put 2 weeks worth of pills - reducing them to maybe another 3 days left if he is lucky, and I did not want him blaming me for either losing them or who knows what. He keeps them loose underneath the mat where the tv is. Long story short - going back to meetings, asking for help, praying and using my sponsor - I have been able to get past his drug use - ( he just sits in his chair and sleeps about 16 hours a day, and when he is responsive I don't want to go near him. I came home from a meeting last night, I think he wanted to go because he asked who was going - only reason I didn't take him - he was groggy and medicated and I will not take him to a meeting like that, nor I don't want him to hurt himself falling.

I came home from the meeting - and he wanted help getting in a chair. (one he falls asleep in). I said - your getting a shower remember? He made a face and said aww. I said well I am getting up at 4:15 tomorrow so kim (our daughter ) can use the car to take you to your PT (he starts PT where he rehabed his knee 2 years ago (his gym has a rehab inside it so he is psyched)..so I took him upstairs, showered and did our thing and he started crying and said thank you to me again for taking care of him, I said look, I told you I love doing things for you, I hate your addiction and I have to take care of my addiction so I am going to do what is healthy to me. so he said, right like I should have done when you didn't go to meetings and it was crazy - :(..so I could have started but I knew that was a jab so I didn't, I said yes your correct and I am sorry that I put you through it. He looked surprised but said thank you. I also told him that people count on him ( his sponsorees) and he shouldn't let them down. I also said the day before that he should of called his sponsor and told him that he took over the medication. He said he tried to call him today but he just got vmail - true or not? not my problem anymore. I have to Let go and Let GOD - if i am to help Tom he has to be in GOD's hands not mine. Every morning I turn him over to GOD and I go about my day. is it easy? hell no! I want to control everything, but that hasn't worked for over 20 years and it isn't going to work now. Defination of INSANITY - doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Well I am living proof that it doesn't work. Will Tom pull through and start his sobriety again? Not my problem - I know one thing I thought if he didn't had the stroke and had pulled this I would leave, but thinking it over - I would do that same thing now until it becomes unhealthy for myself and my daughter and son in law who moved in with us to help Tom. My daughter Kim is home with him every day. She did tell him that if he took his medication and is groggy, she isn't taking him to therapy. I didn't want to harp on that, but I kinda nudged him that way this morning. Thanks for everyone's help. I did tell him that the stroke isn't a problem, I love taking care of him even if he is like this forever- which once he keeps doing his therapy I see a vast improvement. when he is in a drug induced self medicated coma, he does nothing but sleep and eat - it is his drug use that is the problem. Thanks for being here for me!

love,

Faith

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Guest faithycan

I suggest you read up on Central Pain and RSD. Maybe he truly is in pain.

 

I never said he wasn't in pain - he goes to a pain clinic - but you do not over medicate yourself to a point that your in a drug induced coma for 16 hours.. and deny that your taking the meds. I have read up on cronic pain and therefore - the pain clinic. He is foremost a former herion addict and alcoholic. I know the difference and so does he.

 

Thanks for your concern,

Faith

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Faith,

 

I feel you are doing the right thing in lettinng go, Lettting God take care of Tom. You are doing what you can for him and not ignoring his needs. Plus, you are taking care of your sobriety. Glad you found a sponsor. You can not force Tom into sobriety. As you know, it is a decision he needs to make.

 

What about an intervention? What's Tom going to do once the pain medications are depleted? Be safe Faith.

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