The "new" me


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I had my stroke 4 years ago (almost to the day). I have realized I don't like myself all that much. True, I feel I am a good person but I am not proud of who I am now. Needless to say, my self-esteem is doing wonderful. :yeahrite: I know this feeling about myself impacts all my relationships (romantic or not). I want (need) to fix it.

 

I am finding that how I view myself is a lot different than how others view me. The people who knew me before the stroke (BS), they think I am doing very well. Yes, they do know that I have my hardships, but that I am doing well. The people that didn't know me BS are, by and large, very understanding and accomodating. I have never experienced the rudeness that some people on this board have mentioned (thank goodness).

 

I know that we are our own worst critic, so I allow for that in my thinking. However, I can't help but think that there is this absolutely huge disconnect between how I view myself vs. how others view me. The things I deal with on a daily basis make me think "who would like to be with someone who does <xyz>?" Then I am told that a lot of people don't care a whole lot about <xyz>. So, the simple fact that I think that doing <xyz> is a huge deal and most people don't tells me that either (a) I'm being much too hard on myself; or (b) that I'm not expressing my difficulties well (of which doing <xyz> is one). OK, how do I know which is the problem? If it's the former, how do I go about fixing that? If it's the latter, how do you go about communicating better? Yes, my communication has improved greatly in 4 years, but I don't want to wait "x" more years to communicate this particular issue. As it is, I leave every conversation with the feeling that we didn't truly "connect". To feel that way about every verbal interaction in 4 years just plain s****.

 

Does anyone identify with what I am feeling/saying or am I off-base here?

 

And, not to be harsh here, but I would really not like to hear the "you should be proud to be alive" thing. If that's true though, then maybe my root issue is that I don't value life enough. If that's the case, how do you fix that one?

 

Larry

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Hi Larry, I had some issues with myself also.. I find we are MUCH harder on ourselves than people we interact with. I think Oh My I should have done.... this insead of that ... or oh no whay did i say this, I shouold have said that... You know what.. it didn't matter, no one (accept me was critizing what I had done or said, and having done it differently wouldnt have made an iota of a difference).

 

We expect ourselves to react or be a certain way. Our friends or people we interact with are not "analyzing" every movement or every word we say. They take us for "us" it comes to a point I don;t think they even remeber the "old us" we are who we are NOW and they are accepting of that fact,

 

When we quit comparing to how we are NOW to how we were before the stroke , then we learn to live within our own skins and be comfortable with us.

 

Life changes.. like the seasons, people change likes, life styles, clothing styles, etc. nothing stands still. Our bodies change with age... learning to live with the changes and quit rethinking every thing you do .. goes a long way to liking and learning to accept us in this moment.

 

We ourselves are the ones making mountains out of mole hills... stepping over a mole hill is easy, climbing that mountain many times a day is exhausting.

 

 

 

 

 

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since I am not through putting the new me together this could change, sometimes it's like putting humpty dumpty together again, some of the things i like and some I don't and those will change, this is the first day of the rest of my life, actually we are all very lucky to be alive, and not just surviving a stroke but surviving growing up and getting to our ripe ages, the things I have done right since my stroke is get closer to god, i am still working on physical and mental damage to overcome, so this is mostly just about the kind of person I am aside from the stroke, I am a lot more giving, I am going through overcomers which is a twelve step program not only for drug addicts and alcoholics but anyone trying to overcome a life controlling problem, I am more patient most of the time. I am more tolerant, I cherish the things i can do a little more. but there are still so many things to conquer, my pride, and my self centeredness, :hug: :hiya: :dribble:

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Hi Larry,

I, for one, totally identify with you!

I'm less than a year post-stroke, but I sometimes wonder if I'll ever regain my long-lost self esteem :blush:

My friends and family have been unbelievably supportive, but totally clueless. I have tried to convey my mental and/or emotional deficits, but they either don't understand or are still in denial.

At this point I don't even try to explain it anymore. I've come to realize my hubby doesn't really want to know my darkest fears. He doesn't analyze my weird moods. He just takes me as I am. I guess that's the best I can hope for.

I'm actually happiest when I'm not self-involved :hahaha: . I spend way too much time in my own head with this crazy lady! :head_hurts: I over-analyze everyone else's motives and opinions when they really aren't judging me or giving me the ever dreaded pity looks.

I guess acceptance comes in realizing that people do still want me around, even if I'm not the pillar of virtue I once was :big_grin:

I'm still working on that one.

:hug:

Carol

P.S. I like the acronym for before stroke (BS) It's fitting!

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hi larry, it has been 5yrs since my stroke, and i too have felt the way you do. i have learned to accept the way i am now. so has my family and i have lost some friends, i guess they can't accept the new me. no great loss there. i don't like the new me but what can i do, except keep trying to work hard to regain what was lost. if that doesn't happen, so be it, such is life. i do the best i can with what i have now and feel good about the things i can do. i often think that there are others who are worse off than i am, so i am lucky there. you need to get to the point of acceptance, which is the hardest part. be patient with yourself and remember your brain had a injury. there is a classic topic in our forums, titled a letter from your brain, perhaps you should read. i hope you start to feel better soon.

kanderson

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Thanks to all who have replied.

 

The answer to this seems to revolve around acceptance - how do you accept the new you? I know that if I don't find some way to acceptance, this stroke will rule all my thoughts until I die. I truly want to get there, but, obviously, I am having difficulty. What I have read on here is that, for most people, the road to acceptance was a very personal one. For those that are willing to share, how did you "get there"? Also, FYI - I am single and not a churchgoer.

 

Thanks,

 

Larry

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I think part of acceptance is to not focus on the Past, to quit comparing ourselves and our lives to before stroke. To foucs on the hour, the day. To realize our brains have had an injury and don't function as they once did. When we learn how to do something.. to smile and be happy that we can do it.

 

maybe even a trip to the stroke ward at the hospital or rehab facility. To show you are a survivor and what you can do. to help other survivors .. to reach into your own experience and to help another.

 

To enjoy what it is you like. To have a cup of coffe with friends, or sit in the yard with a cold lemonade.. A movie with friends.. whatever makes YOU smile or happy inside. Find the little moments to enjoy..

 

I think you mentioned you have a child.. plans for a picnic, the beach. a movie. Be glad you are here to watch your child grow. The little things in life are meaningful.

 

 

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Larry:

 

I truely feel road to acceptance is lonely journey,I felt same way you are feeling for the first few years, but for me blogging my small moments helped me see the bigger picture in life, and somewhere down the road it happened I realized I love newme, she is much better person than I was prestroke though I still need to work on removing kinks from newme to be best mom, I wondered long time about my purpose here, but I realize one thing I have small child, for me raising him well will be greatest achivement of my lifetime. I know I should look within myself for my happiness and not outside, but I am still work in progress.

 

Asha

 

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Personally, for me, it all boils down to answering the question,

"How do you define sucess? What qualifies as acceptable behavior, etc.?"

 

For me, BS, I 'found' my identity in what I was doing. My profession...a professional photographer, running my own business out of my home. I was 'contributing' to my home..financially. I got a lot of self gratification out of what I did and how others esteemed what I did. If I must say so myself, I was a terrific wedding photographer. Each spring I organized and took 1,000 kids softbal pictures, along with their team pictures. That was a lot of fun, working with kids from preschool thru highschool! I really enjoyed weddings, as I'm a romantic.

Here I go again, patting myself on the back, bringing up what a fine member of society I WAS.

Now, I need to identify who I am and what makes me special today....what is my purpose... It's kinda like back in the '70s where I set out to 'find myself'. Back then, I eventually settled on one identity and now, I'm having to find a new identity that's acceptable to myself.

 

It's time to grow up, again and discover who I am.

 

As for contributing financally to my family, my social security disability is a needed comfort and plugs the gap of my previous earnings....though, not near as much as I used to bring in. My hubby, who has survived a seconc round of cancer is also on disability, so, between the two of us, we're doing ok. It certainly is an education having to live on fixed incomes... Before, it was easy to put in some overtime, bust my butt and fill the gap...no more...I'm learning to be frugal all over again.

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Hi,

 

I understand what you are going through. I think for me part of the acceptance of who I am now is to not focus on the old me or dwell in the past. Sure I'm different, my wife can't really tell the difference except for the physical things. I can't do anything about it, nor can you so don't try so hard, you're making yourself crazy for nothing. If I cold sum it in one word it would be"Chill".

 

 

 

Stu

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I struggle with this every day. My family won't let me go there if they can help it.

 

I miss me. I was joyful, danced, sang, skipped through my days.

 

I used to think I lived a charmed life.

 

I was ungrateful and arrogant right up until thr minute the neuropsychologist walked into my rehab room and said the sooner you accept your life will never be like it was the better you'll be. Sjr then observed I seemed to be more depressed than the first time I saw her. It was a terrible encounter. I do miss me. I've accepted the reality and have worked hard to regain function and excellence. My old life may be gone.

 

I miss that other person.

 

I now have a beautiful little grand daughter, Claire Kirby. My life isn't the same but I have a grandchild who has learned to do things with one hand like her grandmommy. Life is good.

 

Mljmsw

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Hey Larry~

 

Wow...I feel the same way that you do. I don't feel "lucky" to be alive. I feel that I deserve to be alive! I think that you communicated very well in your post. But I agree with not feeling like the same person as you were before the stroke. I look at pics of myself in which I'm so happy as if I had it all and I wonder where that person has gone. I hope that in time I will no longer search for words in conversation, or that my independence will return and I'll enjoy a weekend @ the lake alone with my kids.

 

It's not a fair thing. My only advice would be to keep trying. I've just got an ipod and I downloaded a bunch of books, I used to read a lot and I find it so relaxing, I got a recumbant bike so that I can ride with my husband and kids. I feel as though I'll have to make adjustments, FOR NOW, to find my happiness. I also disagree with people here that say you'll never be the same, or that you'll never find your "prestroke" you. If that is the case, why the heck am I working so darn hard. You've gotta have faith man. Find things you enjoy, I subscribed to HBO for the 1st time ever so that when I am having a yucky day I can sit down and enjoy a movie. Instead of going out to a restaurant or an event with friends we have been doing dinner at my home, so that I can be part of things. We had a faux jazz fest not long ago. It's all up to you really.

 

You really hit a nerve with me in a good way. I can't help but sit here and cry. I wish you the best Larry.

 

Peace.

 

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  • 1 month later...

I think a lot about the word "acceptance" and what we mean when we use it. I think sometimes we mean "I am okay with ..." when we say we accept something. I'm not okay with having had a stroke, but I accept it in the sense that I acknowledge reality and here I am. I miss myself too. I miss who I thought I was going to be in the future.

 

How do I handle it? I try to focus on figuring out what I value in life and try to live that way. I want to be a good wife. I want to be a good parent. I want to be good at my job. I want to travel to some new places. Etc. I don't do these the same way or enjoy them as much, but that isn't really the point I guess. The point is that they are important to me and I do them. That may sound odd, but when my self esteem is on the floor at least I can look at what I do, my choices, and know that I am doing what matters to me even if I am not feeling good or happy.

 

In the end I don't think acceptance (in the sense of "hey, I'm cool with it") matters or not. Denying a stroke or accepting a stroke does not change what happened. Here we are. The only thing is, what now? No - we will NEVER be the person we were. Life took a different path than we thought it would. And who knows what the next twist in the path will be (that's the part that gets me)?

 

Perhaps I am motivated by fear. Fear of the next one. But my focus is on "what kind of person do I want to be, with what I have, TODAY." I fail sometimes. I think that's okay. I'm trying. If I fail 50 times a day that means I tried 50 times, right? I get depressed a lot. But I keep going and I am proud of myself for that.

 

And I still miss myself.

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  • 2 months later...

Larry,

 

I don't know if I will ever totally accept the person I am now. At times, I think my life is so terrible and I hate me! I blame myself for my stroke. This is crazy because my stroke was caused by a birth defect. But of course that IS my fault!

 

Other times I think my life is OK. Sure I had a stroke but I am making the best of it.

 

A few times I think I am a better person because I had my stroke. I am focused on my family and myself more. Life is not all about work!

 

I get sick when others tell me "I am lucky" or "You have totally recovered". I try to blow these comments off. Trying to explain the deficits I have that are unseen to those not seeing you all the time is a waste of time. I also try to show my best side when I am out. I don't like to be coddled. If I need help, that is defferent. I just don't want lots of people doing for me what I can do for myself.

 

I try to journal everyday. This is helpful for me to dump my feelings and no it is private. This also gives me a place to process my thoughts about myself.

 

Beth

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Larry: you are ruminating on your stroke. Try staying off this site for a week and doing something outside your head. The more you think about it, the more it will weigh you down and the more isolated you will become. I had to leave this board for several months, stop using the label "stroke survivor" and do some volunteer work in order to get out of my head and just be who I am now. I no longer feel a disconnect between who I am and who I appear to be.

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