aclassicimage Posted June 21, 2007 Share Posted June 21, 2007 I write this two+ years post stroke, looking for answers. My stroke at the age of 35 was hemmorhagic, I think (caused by surgery of the brain) and it caused quite a bit of damage to my frontal lobe. Physically, I have recoved well, gaining usage of my left side and funtioning almost as well as pre-stroke. Mentally, things seem fine. I've been back to work about 18 months but I still have some short term memory issues to contend with. Emotionally, I'm despicable. I don't battle depression though I've been on antidepressants from day one. However, according to my wife, I don't show emotions. The one thing that the stroke took away and hasn't returned is my libido. I simply have no desire for sexual intimacy. My wife, being insecure anyway, thinks I don't desire her. My marriage has deteriorated over the last two years. One night, she asks, "Do you think we're still soulmates?" My answer was " I don't think so." Then it was, "How do you know you love me?" I answer,"I don't know." I know I'm a man capable of idiotic remarks, but that conversation started our marriage on a path to divorce. We fought more. She started demanding more. We separated in February, but due to lonliness, heartache, or something, I returned home three days later. We've seen marriage counselors inside and outside our church. Nothing seems to help. I equate it like peaks and valleys. Over time, the valleys are deeper and wider, and the peaks are shorter and more steep. I can now say "I don't love you" without remorse, but I don't say it. Until she asks. She's like a puppy who keeps asking you to kick it again. I'm due to move out tomorrow. This time for a longer period. I'd like reconciliation, but don't think it's possible. I bought a book, last night, by some psycholigist called "I don't love you anymore" hoping for guidance. It was filled with dealing with adultery. The conflicting thing is that I'm a Christ follower and I cannot seem to withstand the pressure my wife places on me to be the old me. I'm accused of sinning because I don't "put out." Now I'm accused of it for wanting to move out. I know Christ died for my past, present and future sins, but... Any answers? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dstraugh Posted June 21, 2007 Share Posted June 21, 2007 Hi, I was not in a relationship at the time of the stroke and honestly, I have not even tried to pursue one at this time. I have difficulty enough in relating to family at times let alone having a partner. I feel no guy deserves subjection to the post issues I am dealing with. Granted, emotional outbursts and interactions have improved but not to where I'd consider them heallthy. You may be dealing with emotional lability; there are many posts within this forum regarding this. Have you spoken to your doc specifically on this issue? Possibly a "live" stroke support group would be beneficial to you and your wife - to be with others in the same circumstance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aclassicimage Posted June 21, 2007 Author Share Posted June 21, 2007 Hi, I was not in a relationship at the time of the stroke and honestly, I have not even tried to pursue one at this time. I have difficulty enough in relating to family at times let alone having a partner. I feel no guy deserves subjection to the post issues I am dealing with. Granted, emotional outbursts and interactions have improved but not to where I'd consider them heallthy. You may be dealing with emotional lability; there are many posts within this forum regarding this. Have you spoken to your doc specifically on this issue? Possibly a "live" stroke support group would be beneficial to you and your wife - to be with others in the same circumstance. We've been in Stroke support, recently changing groups since my wife was reliving painful memories each time we attended the one at the hoispital. Unfortunately, these groups are the typicale aged victims. They don't suffer the same issues. We've been to Christian marriage counseling, but I'm told I'm sinning by not fulfilling my husbandly duties. They don't understand and believe it's my decision not my inability. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fking Posted June 21, 2007 Share Posted June 21, 2007 Whish I knew your name, I don't so I'll say Mr. Image, With me the shoe is on the other foot, roles changed, but I understand your position. I don't have any concret answers just my own experiences normal or otherwise abnormal. I wonder about her and why she has stopped wanting to be romantic or sexual in the bedroom. On the other hand there is no thinking on my part of her being with someone else. She is involved heavily in bible study, choir practice and praise dancing in our church along with the pastor's wife and other members. Likewise, she doesn't suspect me of any affairs or wrong doings. Not my desire and she knows that as a fact. We are both in the church activities, mine is very limited because I can hardly walk. I deal with it as best I can and I love her dearly and she proclaims the same. I have no desire to live apart. Those day are in the past for me and her. By the grace of God it will work out that she will find what ever it is she has loss. BTW, welcome to strokenet, hope you continue to post and reply. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kanderson Posted June 21, 2007 Share Posted June 21, 2007 hi classicimage, welcome to the site, i am sorry you are dealing with this issue. i think you need to talk to your doctor or psychologist, they might be able to help. is it that you can't perform or don't acheive orgasm, can you at least cuddle with her, sometimes that is all women want, just to he held. or do you not feel the love you once had for your wife before stroke. since you have recovered fairly well, you are very forunate. i am no expert, but i have married for 37yrs and my stroke was 5yrs ago. this is a sad situation and i hope you cand find some help, if you truly want your marriage to continue. i wish you the best as the saying goes, where theres a will, theres a way. kanderson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jwatrous Posted June 22, 2007 Share Posted June 22, 2007 I write this two+ years post stroke, looking for answers. My stroke at the age of 35 was hemmorhagic, I think (caused by surgery of the brain) and it caused quite a bit of damage to my frontal lobe. Physically, I have recoved well, gaining usage of my left side and funtioning almost as well as pre-stroke. Mentally, things seem fine. I've been back to work about 18 months but I still have some short term memory issues to contend with. Emotionally, I'm despicable. I don't battle depression though I've been on antidepressants from day one. However, according to my wife, I don't show emotions. The one thing that the stroke took away and hasn't returned is my libido. I simply have no desire for sexual intimacy. My wife, being insecure anyway, thinks I don't desire her. My marriage has deteriorated over the last two years. One night, she asks, "Do you think we're still soulmates?" My answer was " I don't think so." Then it was, "How do you know you love me?" I answer,"I don't know." I know I'm a man capable of idiotic remarks, but that conversation started our marriage on a path to divorce. We fought more. She started demanding more. We separated in February, but due to lonliness, heartache, or something, I returned home three days later. We've seen marriage counselors inside and outside our church. Nothing seems to help. I equate it like peaks and valleys. Over time, the valleys are deeper and wider, and the peaks are shorter and more steep. I can now say "I don't love you" without remorse, but I don't say it. Until she asks. She's like a puppy who keeps asking you to kick it again. I'm due to move out tomorrow. This time for a longer period. I'd like reconciliation, but don't think it's possible. I bought a book, last night, by some psycholigist called "I don't love you anymore" hoping for guidance. It was filled with dealing with adultery. The conflicting thing is that I'm a Christ follower and I cannot seem to withstand the pressure my wife places on me to be the old me. I'm accused of sinning because I don't "put out." Now I'm accused of it for wanting to move out. I know Christ died for my past, present and future sins, but... Any answers? Will try, my stroke was in 1985 at age 39 :yadayada: , and its not that we fall out of love, but according to doctors, certain emotions are wiped away from the stroke, and don't you feel like we get so tired from recovery, that all our energy has been zapped into that, as we pray our mates understand June Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bstockman Posted June 22, 2007 Share Posted June 22, 2007 I am sorry you are dealing with this, Emotional lablity is a LARGE problem with survivors. Depending on the areas of brain damaged by stroke. Emotions can be a real roller coaster ride. Or some emotions not appropriate. Medications can also be a Large factor in libido, fatigue, etc. Some anti depressants may shut down emotions.. you may want to talk to your Dr about the one you are on. There have been new ones that have come out. Or possible a dosage change. Be upfront with the Dr. about your lack of feeling/emotions. I value my husband as my best friend, love hobbies and time doing things we enjoy together.. havin meals, playing with the dogs, ..just normal day activities. The do have psychiatrists who specialize in relationships or "sex" therapists. Were you having marital problems before stroke? Sometimes an illness will make you closer.. or take you farther apart. Could you start over.. by dating.. make a date once a week to go out to dinner or a movie.. I guess you would need to sit down and make a list.. Pro's and Con's things I like.. dislike. you may need to start over on some common ground and rebuild a bond.. or as you said maybe being apart for a bit, will give you both some time to figure out where to go... to start over together.. NEW.. or to go seperate ways. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cam1960 Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 Hi Classic, Sorry you are going through this. We survivors need our loved ones more now than ever. As a fellow insecure wife, I can see your wife is suffering too. My emotions have been all over the map for a full year now, thankfully my husband has been pretty patient (so far!) Stroke didn't damage my libido, but antidepressants sure did. Fortunately I didn't start them right away. Three weeks on Celexa and my love life was down the tubes. Now, that was depressing! I dropped them and was fine. Your wife doesn't understand. Nobody who hasn't had a stroke really does. She thinks you don't love her or want her around. If that was true, you wouldn't have a problem, she would. Guys just fail to communicate! If you were physically paralyzed from your stroke, no one would accuse you of 'sinning'. Try to get through to her that you're still recuperating. Reassure her that you are still the same 'you'. Buy her some flowers :forgive_me?: I know that sounds corny, but don't give up without giving it all you've got. A good marriage isn't easy to come by. :hug: Carol (married almost 30 years and counting) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RLT Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 I have heard all the sermons on what a marriage should and should not be. I have personal experience that Christians are very unforgiving and quick to lable you as "sinner." Love is truely a choice. But those fuzzy feelings make that choice seem tangable. I have a feeling that your love is not really dead because you are still seeking answers. Both you and your wife have been through a lot of changes. And it will take time to work through learning who each of you are. Separation is not necessarily a bad thing. After all, think of all the times Jesus separated from his friends and family to regroup. He came back a better equipt to handle daily life. Maybe that is what you need as well. Give yourself a break. You know better than others that the affects of the stroke on your emotions are no more your fault than the weakness of your left side. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phoenix Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 EXCUSE ME, DID I READ THAT RIGHT? You go to your Christian Church for counseling and they tell you that you are sinning because you are not fulfilling your husbandly duties? WELL, THAT CERTAINLY WASN'T A VERY CHRISTAIN LIKE, SUPPORTIVE ANSWER TO GIVE YOU! GIVE ME A FRICKING BREAK! That was the best they could come up with? Are they even medically qualified to counsel? Did they go through years of school and training to getting their doctor degree and are certified? I mean, seriously, what are their qualifications? The answer you were given is a crock of #@%*! I mean how dare they? And sorry to be so harsh but how dare your wife put that pressure on you! You have suffered a traumatic injury to your brain, there is damage and it needs to heal and it could be some time. My first thought was that your wife is being selfish and thinking only of herself. This is where the "In sickness and in health" line comes in from the marriage vows. But then, I can see her side and I can see your side. You say she was already insecure in the first place, Do you know the reasons why? Has she been unhappy about the way she looks? How was your relationship before stroke? Did you give her quality time before? There are so many things that can make a spouse feel insecure. Some could be very good reasons and a lot could be from growing up and how they were raised. Has she always had to fight for your attention? It almost sounds like it from the questions she is asking of you. And so now she is even feeling more insecure and vulnerable by your , can I even say this because I don't know, even greater lack of attention? If I am out of line, I apologize? But, hey! I'm no expert. Bonnie, Kimmie, Donna Fred and the others had good replies to your question. I am just floored that your so-called Christian Counselors would even say your are committing a sin :jawdrop: Without even considering your medical condition due to stroke. They are not doctors in the field of stroke, so talk to your doctor Man, about what is going on with you physically, mentally and have your wife there so she can understand. That's if you want her to understand, I mean after all, you don't know if you love her anymore. Your stroke has affected your wife as well, but you do what you got to do and what you feel is right. I think RLT hit it on the button there saying your love is not really dead because you are looking for answers. My stroke makes me feel like half a person at times, much less a woman. But I am fortunate my husband understands that I don't feel like being intimate and doesn't pressure or rush me. He tells me not to do it just for him because I have some guilty feeling or something. He wants me to be in the right mind for both of us. He brings me flowers at least once a week to make me feel better and so that I know he is here for me and that he loves me because he realizes the stroke gets me down at times. :forgive_me?: Look, I didn't mean to come off as a meanie or someone who has no faith. I am Catholic and believe in The Grace of God, Jesus Christ and the Immaculate Mother. I just think it's wrong for those we look to for guidance and our connected with a Church, to say you're committing a sin, or it's a sin, when they really don't have the answer. Why can't they just refer you to a professional when it is out of their league? Instead of making you feel like your are doing something so wrong against your faith? I do realize some church counselors are truly that and certified, I just think they were out of line and it's only my opinion. Again, if I am way out of line, I apologize, it was not my intention to be. I really do wish everything works out the best way for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clag Posted June 24, 2007 Share Posted June 24, 2007 Hi Aclassicimage, I prefer to respond on this site just as a caregiver, but your entry has called me to put on my professional hat once more. Prior to becoming a fulltime caregiver I practiced as a Ph.D. in behavioral medicine (counseling) for 20 yrs. The site has offered some very accurate suggestions that you and your wife really want to consider before ending your marriage: 1. Post stroke, you are not exactly the same as prestroke. Both you and your wife would benefit from stroke education so that false conclusions aren't drawn (ie. that it is a matter of love that is preventing intimacy. Though it may be true, it is unwise to make that conclusion at this juncture.) There are other factors involved here that might be playing out that have absolutely nothing to do with your spiritual commitment to God. Your religious counsel means well but obviously has no education in behavioral medicine, simply put, they're trying to work outside their level of expertise. One shoe does not fit all feet. I say this with confidence as the counselor would not have drawn the conclusions you mentioned without consulting your physician and neurologist first. Your issue of sexual intimacy is likely more a medical issue, not spiritual. 2. Most definitely get a check on your antidepressants, as it is highly probable that they are contributing to your professed flat emotional affect. Simplistically put, antidepressants act as a kind of novicain to the brain and numbing you is kinda what they are supposed to do. Speak with your physician and see a neuropsychologist specializing in stroke recovery before altering your meds though, as the benefits may outweigh the negatives. You will want medical guidance with this issue, for if the meds are numbing you out a tad while that may be bad for your lovelife, it may be helping with your stroke recovery. 3.You also mentioned having no libido. You didn't mention if you can obtain an erection. It is not uncommon that medications that managed blood pressure affect the ability to get or to maintain a satisfactory erection. Again don't play with your meds without consulting a physician. In like, it would be an error to conclude that difficulty in this arena is anything other than meds until after consulting an M.D.. 4. You two are definitely in a downward spiral relationship wise, but there is opportunity for reconciliation if you both want it, and from your post it sounds like neither of you is really at the point of no return. To repair the hurts (which there are many on both sides) though you both need much, much more education about stroke and its affects, so you both can stop personalizing every thing the other does. At issue in your case is that you look fine and have resumed to work, etc, so your wife, and perhaps you too, forget the contributions of your stroke. DON'T!! Big mistake my friend. 5. You both want to seek a marriage counselor with specialization in stroke recovery. Ideally this professional is also in accord with your spirituality. It may take a little shopping to find this person, but heck, you got the time. Especially when you consider losing your prestroke professed soulmate, make the time. Okay, now the ball is in your court Aclassicimage. My last recommendation to you is to pray regarding my counsel and if what you have said regarding desire for reconcilliation is true, please take the recommended action. In turn, I will pray for you both, and trust that Gods will will be done. As for you other readers, if I could hypnotize you online I would have you forget my professional training as I am really participating just a caregiver, just have a few extra tools in my box. This post just called to me to put on my professional hat, now it is back in the box. Thank you. ronclag Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myhome Posted June 26, 2007 Share Posted June 26, 2007 I'm sorry but I have to dish alittle tough love out here. Has the thought that she actually wants out of the marriage ever raised it's ugly head, and is using the libido thing as an excuse? Then the fact that there's an 85% failure of marriages after one of the partners have had a stroke may factor in as well. Whoever labeled you a sinner needs to get in touch with reality, your brain and body are still healing even now. Then there are the meds which can cause intimacy problems as well, I think that your other half might benefit from a bit of therapy to understand this. It seems that no one is cutting you any slack too bad, but you have to do what you must. I see you as getting a raw deal. I wish you well, Stu Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
majah Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 yes I understand try to really talk to her but it sounds like you have little confidence. one of the things that we did together was talk to a Neuropsychologist that really put us on the same level or sh e had a better understanding of what I was dealing with. and I chant Nam Myo ho renga kyo that really helped me when it helped the both of us we chant together. and we have good day and bad days but mostly good days and great days majah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady k Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 I pray that all the others posts have helped, my post is just questions. you mentioned souilmates but i ask did you do things together that you both enjoyed. and id so are you no lomger able to do this, sometimes lust is equated as love, i guess i am asking what else besides sex did you two do together. i don't have words of wisdom, just prayers, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merichsen Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 There's nothing like being turned off by neediness, it's fatally unattractive. It sounds as though your wife's neediness doesn't work for you, which is pretty normal. Your response to it only serves to feed in to her desperate attempts for assurance, which are not met, thus feeding into the cycle. Her wanting you back the way you were prestroke may be more a desire to have the security of her world prestroke back. Sorry, I know I'm analyzing your life, but it seems to me that since you had the stroke if anyone was going to have fear of abandonment issues, my money would be on you. Stroke doesn't just happen to the person it physically effects, it does a great deal of collateral damage. She might benefit from a bit of therapy herself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jstern Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 It's always been my understanding that LOVE is not a feeling, but rather a decision. We love what we respect. Both of you need to get some counseling. Regarding your libido, it's very common for older men to wane in their libido. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gmeager Posted October 20, 2008 Share Posted October 20, 2008 aSK YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT COMING OF THE ANTIDEPRESSANTSand ask you wife how demonstrative you were pre stroke compared to now without your cruch of medication. All relationships need alot of hard work! You could try the romantic bit but if you were never that way in the first place you dear wife may smell a rat instead of buying flowers try doing what I do checkmy wifes perfume bottles every couple of months and replace the ones that are getting realy low. that way you are showing a lot of thought which may suprise her withou being OTT |Finally once of your anti depressant do alot of indepth serious thinking about being on your ow its not all it's cracked up to be especially if you have some disability issues. :yadayada: GOOD LUCK, GED Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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