Would Mom feel neglected or ignored?

[Deez]

The following was split from the original topic - Donna - MBM

 

I have another kind of dumb question. I go every night after work to see my mom and on the weekends. There isnt a day that goes by that I am not there for her. My question is this, I feel like when I am there ahe is wanting me to do everything for her, I encourage her to do things herself like eat but she gived me those eyes and I give in. Shouls I maybe skip a day in visiting her and see what she does when I am not there or should I continue to go every evening? It kills me when I am not there but I dont know if she will try harder when I am not there...I am still trying to figure all this out, and balance everything so noone feels neglected or ignored

[dstraugh]

Check with the staff before you skip time in seeing your Mom is my suggestion in order to see what she does when you are not there. Recalling my rehab days, I looked forward to seeing my daughter in the evenings. I worked hard during the day with rehab and looked forward to sharing our days. When she couldn't get a ride (she was 12 at the time), I was super bummed. Although we would talk on the phone, it wasn't the same.

[lisas]

MAYBE WHILE YOU'RE THERE WITH MOM, ENCOURAGE HER TO DO MORE FOR HERSELF. SHE MAY BE SELF-RELUCTANT AT FIRST, BUT IF YOU STICK TO YOUR GUNS, SHE'LL EVENTUALLY FEEL BETTER ABOUT DOING IT HERSELF. I KNOW, I HAD TO DO THIS WITH MY DAUGHTER WHEN SHE HAD HER STROKE. I WANTED TO DO EVERYTHING FOR HER. EVENTUALLY THOUGH THAT DOESN'T HELP YOU ARE HER.

 

GOOD LUCK. I KNOW THE THERAPISTS ENCOURAGED RACHEL TO DO MORE FOR HERSELF TO TAKE THE HEAT OFF ME. :friends:

[kanderson]

deez, i agree with the other ladies. mom needs to do what she can for herself to help build her self confidence and independence. she might be fearful at first but thats understandable. i would talk to her therapists, they could advise you on this issue. i know this is hard on you but you should not feelbad or be hard on yourself, you will be doing what is best for her, tough love as they say. i know caregivers or family hate to see survivors struggle to do anything, but it is necessary in our recovery. give mom some time. i wish you both the best.

[ksaul]

hi deez,

just a thought to add to everone elses great suggestions. in rehab they work you hard - i was sometimes too tired to eat, shower etc and would nap at any opportunity. my sister was always willing to help me, but often she would encourage me to show her my progress and what i could do. that really worked for me cause i knew i had he has back-up. kathy

 

[Deez]

THANKS everyone... I have noticed that by the time I get there in the evening she is very tired and wants to lay down. We try to keep her up as long as possible because she has a tendancy to vomit if put in bed too soon after she eats or drinks, but then again we have the beginnings of a bed sore starting on her tail bone. Sorry if it sounds like I am complaining I am just overwhelmed right now and I want to do the right thing for her.

[dstraugh]

Hopefully they are properly treating the bed sore. Insist they have her sitting on as well as laying on the "egg crate" that will reduce that from happening. Also insist they move her around (lying on side w/pillows at her back perhaps if she cannot roll over herself). You are her advocate and if she cannot vocalize her needs then someone needs to do that for her. (((hugs)))

[arogers]

Good Morning,

 

I really would encourage you to speak with the staff about how your mom is when you aren't there. It can be eye opening! Since my husband has been at the Skilled Nursing Facility for about a month the staff now knows his habits. They can tell you how your mom acts, how much she is up (if she can get up), how she is eating, how she is adjusting. She probably is completely different with them than she is with you. If she is getting a bedsore I wonder how much she really is up? Normally those develop if an individual isn't moving enough.

 

I've been told by the staff, and I certainly believe it, that a patient will always attempt to put a guilt trip on family because they know our hearts break over not being able to take our loved one home. I know that is the case with Bill - especially after speaking with the nurses. Everybody there loves him and he is quite personable - when I'm not around. DO take a very active roll in your mom's care on an oversight basis. If you see anything you are unhappy with, let staff know - complete their complaint form, write it on a piece of copy paper - whatever you need to do. It won't take long and they will realize you will notice when YOUR standards aren't met and changes will take place.

 

If you can't be there everyday, let the staff know. They will take some extra time with your mom. Let your mom know you can't be there. She may notice you haven't been there, and she may not. But you will know you aren't abandoning her and the staff will know how to reassure your mom that you will be back and they will make sure to carve out a few extra minutes with her.

 

Also, regarding the issues with your mom's stomach upset after eating. Does she take anything for acid reflux? You may want to address this with the nurses or her doctor. There may be something they can give her in order to control her upset stomach after eating.

 

Good luck to you!

[ksaul]

deez,

remember you are doing the very best you can - this is stressful situation. i have to wonder how much your mom is being moved while in bed and how often she is really up. this may sound weird but i would make sure that a picture is taken of that bedsore and check the written documentation in your mom's chart. while i was in rehab an aid dropped me while i was trying to transfer from the bed to wheelchair - i was really banged up and bruised - my sister insisted it be documented visually (she is a nurse) and i guess , according to her,bedsores and other incidents are often documented this way for the patient's safety. i just remembered this.

you are doing the very best for your mom and i will keep you both in my thoughts.kathy

 

[Deez]

THanks Eeryone for all the info. The bedsore is looking better and mom is about the same. She is still not eating and they have had her on TPN for sometime. The GI doctor is going to insert a feeding tube into her stomache today at 10:30 am. Please say a prayer for her that everything turns out. I am not able to be there with her and am going crazy. There are so many complications she is going thru and I just dont know where to turn anymore. I feel like I am six feet from the edge and falling. Please keep her in prayer

[swilkinson]

Deez, I well know that "six foot from the edge" feeling. My husband has had five strokes, a hip break in 2000 and a hip fracture and cracked hip joint this year so many crises have featured in our lives. Each time I want to wrap him in my own personal safety blanket and keep him from harm. But one thing I now know is that nothing I do or say will make any difference to his situation.

 

What I can do is influence his mood, re-assure him that he is wanted and needed, be his advocate with the doctors and staff. It is good to be there every day, but better in some ways to have a break and come back refeshed so do't feel guilty if you are not able to be there every day for your mom.

 

And you have a role as coach too, she can do a lot more if you encourage her to try her best, we all need to strive for independence so some tough love is needed as well as all the encouragement and cheerleading you can muster. So ask her what she has learned today and ask to see how well she does. Helping her is great but getting her to help herself will make her more independent.

 

If you can get other people involved in the visiting so you can have something to talk to them about and to your mom about too. There is only so much news to discuss and an aunt, niece or cousin that calls in brings different news with them. The more people involved in visiting the better.

 

Don't let feelings of guilt drag you down, you did not cause this to happen so don't take the blame for it. There are a lot of posts here by caregivers so read some of them and you will find we all have a lot of feelings in common. Work on the positives in your relationship with your mom, you can lighten the mood, help her to feel she is progressing, stress the value she has in your life and the life of others.

 

Most conditions eventually balance out, stroke survivors find a new "normal", caregivers find a way to cope with most problems, a way to handle staff to get the best results included. Keep as positive as you can and take time out to look around you, your life has to go on past the present crisis.

 

I'm glad you have found us. This is a great place to come to for support. For sure we will keep you and your mom in our prayers

 

(((Hugs))) from Sue.

[bstockman]

Hugs to you and prayers for both of you. It is really nerve wracking to watch a loved one ill. Don't forget to breathe... yes you have to take care of yourself also. Things settled down with survivors, it does take time for all the adjustments and changes.

 

We have a great Care Giver section on the main message board.. and care givers with loads of experience.

 

Try to take one day at a time, try to get someone help with the visiting as sue suggested.