I am getting ticked.


SheWasAllLike

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Yes, I understand this is all part of the stroke package. Sometimes the look on his face makes it clear that he feels like his body is a living hell and it's heart breaking. Lord knows if I were in his shoes I'd fare much worse than he is emotionally. He had had no history of any mental health issues and was in the Marines a few years back. I figured the frustration would be debilitating - and it is - and luckily I take things as they are and don't find myself 'longing for the old Wade.' That's the man I married, period. I think about things scientifically and logically, so there's no inner turmoil asking why or what if or if only. He, however, curses God with a few choice words.

 

He has also been verbally abusive with me, and I'm starting to fester with anger. I have never been cursed out before by anyone, and I don't recall ever being with a man who hurls the f-word at me out of anger. I do not engage him; if I respond at all it is with neutral calm words. There is no way I could be so submissive (which disgusts me) if I weren't recording his tirades. I told him I'd record him a while back so that he could hear himself, and the next time we discuss his lashing out at me I am going to play it for him. He may bug out but if he is going to dish it to me, then he is going to hear exactly what he dishes.

 

I'm also in the process of setting up marriage counseling, counseling for him and a visit to a neurologist. Meanwhile, he is not motivated to do his rehab. He'll only reluctantly do it if I initiate and encourage him, but not always. He said it felt like when he had to do homework in high school. The fact that he will only gain the use of his hand through the excercises is something he is not facing, or putting off facing or denying. His inactivity and the verbal assults in turn makes me apathetic about pushing him to do his rehab. That makes it even more detrimental to his recovery. I've told his mother some of this, but not in detail. I told her I needed support in a bad way, but I didn't blatently ask for it. So I'm going to tell her this in more detail , formally ask for her help, and then get the help in motion by giving her specific tasks to do.

 

I have no support system and I can't manage time efficiently enough to find one when he's around. I have to wait until he's asleep to blog about it or post here. He glances at my computer or hovers when I type email to a stroke survivor penpal friend of mine who I was put in touch with. I have to keep it light and so I don't get the beefed up support I am in need of. He'd spazz if he saw what I was typing in this post.

 

I'm wiped out. TTFN and thanks for listening to my vent.

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She,

The bigger they are the harder the fall. Although he seems to be controlling blatantly verbalizing inner turmoil, his actions appear to display an attempt to suppress it. Having a stroke leaves you in a very vulnerable position which is a horrible feeling, especially if you've been trained, as you mentioned he was a Marine. There's no room nor tolerance for weakness, as he now is self perceived.

The anger and outbursts are not really directed at you. I think before I would tape him and throw guilt into the mix, I would set up an appointment with a neopsychiatrist, they specialize in the psychological effects of stroke patients. His neurologist should be able to recommend one.

Try to stay calm and get professional help

Good luck, prayers, and keep us posted on how you are doing.

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Dear Lauren,

 

I know it doesn't help your situation much to hear this, but you are doing the right things. I think you do recognize much of your husband's behavior is probably depression. It seems to accompany the event, and if he isn't being treated for depression he probably will be and if he is being treated, the medication may need to be adjusted. There aren't any magic cures for the attitudes that accompany surviving a stroke, but there are some meds that help. I don't know that a neurologist will prescribe anything, but it's a possibility.

 

If I can make one suggestion, that is to get individual counseling before joint marriage counseling. I don't know whether he will consent to it, but I would just approach it from the standpoint that individual counseling is part of the joint if he is resistant.

 

I can identify with you about the rehab. My husband has not regained nearly as much as he could have had he been willing to participate in rehab. He has argued with me all the way that he is not able to do what is asked. It doesn't seem like it has ever connected that it is all about retraining his brain in order to regain use of his arm and leg. He has always had moderate strength in his arm and some use of his hand, but hasn't been willing to put the time into the exercising so has missed out on regaining good use of his arm. I battle with him (as much as I battle...) about exercising his leg and can tell when he is losing strength because of inactivity. His first words have always been "I can't". Frankly, I have been less aggressive than I should have been about his rehab because of his stubborness. Of course, we ultimately pay the price if our survivor is more dependent upon another for their activities of daily living than they could be if they were motivated to gain independence.

 

Another thing you are doing right is asking for help. I applaud you for approaching his mom and encourage you to ask her for specific help. I've always gotten, "I'll help anyway I can...but I can't help much because I don't know what to do." So, the extent of the help is that I have left Bill there with her for a few hours at a time when I have needed to go someplace. Generally though at 85 I can't expect her to be able to do much.

 

One thing that has helped me is our county does have an agency called the Adult Center for Enrichment program designed to assist with care for seniors so their caregiver gets some respite. Although Bill is 58 he qualifies due to the strokes and vascular dementia. They have a program offering a volunteer to come to the home for three hours each week and become a friend who stays at the home or takes the recipient out. Bill enjoys going out so they usually do so. It gives me some time to have lunch with a friend or do some shopping or I could just sleep if that's what I need. It has been a lifesaver. It took me a couple of years to find them. They also have a caregiver's support group and offer care for the survivor during the time we meet. It's great to know I'm not alone and we all share so many of the same challenges.

 

Please take care and know you don't have to ever feel guilty for your feelings. They are real. As I said above, I think counseling would offer you both a place to vent and gain some strategies for coping and growing!

 

Warmly,

 

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It sounds like you are on the right track for getting help for your husband. I applaud you. Coming here to vent is a big help as well. I would recomend blogging. That gives you a chance to say whatever is on your mind. Somehow it is cleansing. There are people here who have been down the road you are travelling. Companionship always makes the road easier to handle and we can give each other lifts when the bumps get too hard.

 

When my husband started rejecting therapy I got some good advice here. Summed up I figured that he still had the right to make some decisions for himself even if they were not the decisions I would have chosen. I learned that when I pushed my husband to exercise and his heart was not in it, he did not benefit too much and I was a wreck trying to fight him. Our lives are more harmonious when I do not push. The damage to your husband emotionally may need to heal some more before the physical is ready. Recovery will continue even if there is no therapy.

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What would you like to do at this point? If you want him to stay in the home and participate in rehab, you probably need to get him to a neuropsychiatrist or a physiatrist because the emotional outbursts are probably mild seizures which can be controlled with medication. You should also try to find a day rehab program where he stays all day at the facility M-F, but comes home at night & weekends. He is less likely to refuse treatment when he is surrounded by strangers.

 

If he refuses to accept medication or rehab, you may need to consider leaving him - you can only do so much. Do not let the stroke ruin you too.

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i think you are handling everything very well but i do suggest you see if there is some place where he will be with others just to get him out of the rut of dependence rather than figuring out how to gwt things done, yes talk to doc's expecially if not on antidepressants, but having to ask some one else to do what you do in course, will help to wake him up that somehow he needs to initiate cquiring useful skills, and yes let him struggle doing the things you know he is capable of doing even if he is having to struggle some, however if for some reason you decide he really can;t do it, and tell him you knew he could that you still have faith in him, may be the turning point for him iy was for me.get all the help you can it will be good for you both.

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Hey guys, thanks for your replies. I felt really guilty about this post after I realized some stuff yesterday, but it wouldn't be normal not to get angry at some point I guess. I nixed the recording idea and will only record if I feel like it would help give both of us insight and only with his permission. He probably feels betrayed enough with my telling his OT on him and giving his parents too much info for his comfort. He is a very private person, but I have to do what I feel is right or I can't help him.

 

He is in so much anguish. He's convinced that he'll be dead by next year and wants to draw up a will. It's painful to see him like this.

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I HOPE YOU FND SOME ANSWERS SOON. FROM ONE CAREGIVER TO ANOTHER, YOU DO NEED TIME TO YOURSELF IF AT ALL POSSIBLE. JUST A COUPLE OF HOURS CAN MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD.

 

AS OTHERS HAVE MENTIONED, DON'T TAKE THESE OUTBURSTS PERSONALLY. I KNOW THIS IS NOT AN EASY TASK. YOUR HUSBANDS BRAIN HAS BEEN INJURED. SOMETIMES AS WITH OUR OWN DAUGHTER, YOU SAY THINGS WITHOUT EVEN THINKING ABOUT THE OUTCOME.

 

I HOPE YOU FIND A HAPPY MEDIUM FOR BOTH YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND. I WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOU. :friends:

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I too hope you find answers and a little peace of mind cause being a survivor who was once in top shape and health and life is devastating to say the lease. Then as a caregiver to the one you married and never saw this coming makes life very tough on you. But as the vows say "for better or worse, in sickness and health until death do us part."

 

I do hope you can read what some other care givers have had to deal with for so many years now.

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I would ABSOLUTELY let him draft a will and a living will. It will give him a sense of control and preparedness. Of course, he won't die next year, but he won't be ruminating about the consequences either.

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Guest lwisman

A will is a good idea for everyone, including those who have not had a stroke. Legal papers cannot usually be signed if you are incapacitated in any way. It is always a good idea to have legal papers in order.

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