• A  blog is a personal journal of your daily life as a stroke survivor or stroke caregiver.  Surprisingly, countless members have called it therapeautic to write down their thoughts and to vent their frustrations.  You can make it private, just for your eyes or public and share your personal thoughts with your friends.  Why not try it, create your blog and start writing and see if it helps you.  


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  1. Ending

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    Recent Entries

    Latest Entry

    Only a few of you even remember me --- Im Nancy, I've been in a good long fight with my husbands stroke 6.5 years ago... He was a young stroke victim, not the usual stroke MO-- he tripped on a rug, dissected his carotid artery ( tore on the inside). it caused a massive stroke... later tripped of seizures ... through it we did amazing things in an attempt to "live" some . Previously all we ever did was work, work and work. We have 4 great kids all adults now, all married. Dan has had all major stroke side effects, ( aphasia and partial paralysis) and plenty of brain damage to boot. 


    He has made the decision to quit eating and drinking. He quit taking his meds 3 weeks ago which has started the seizures that took forever to control - to rear their ugly heads. He hasn't truly eaten in weeks but has had sporatic meals on occasion. He isn't looking good. Is remaining remarkably cognizant and is ADAMANT this is his wish. He had me open the blinds up wide at the nursing home so that he can see when god comes for him.

    He has thanked everyone- understands the pain we all feel , but is adamant in his wish to go home- heaven.. I wouldn't dream of taking this away from him. It is his life , his choice. I have the usual doubts of -( nancy)-- I coulda tried harder, been nicer, done more, coulda, coulda, coulda..... but I am exhausted . And I tried everything. we had resources others don't have, and none of it helped.... I quit my job stayed home, found a better home to care for him in home. hired staff, tried to return to work for my own sanity, hired ,fired staff... Dan didn't like anyone.... he was mean, he would refuse "whatever"... I played the kiss- his "a--" ended that chapter with him in the nursing home and me in a mental hospital.


    I go everyday at least once, more often than not twice to see him. Would bring him his Mc Donalds daily.. But over the last six months have faltered some, its just so HARD... He would attempt his manipulations in an effort to get out of the home, not asking much time out from there. But I couldn't always do it, I have a job, Im tired. ect. ..... now he made this decision and we are at the point of to far in, I believe he is set and I believe this is what he wants and I believe the "end" is near.........


    I am devastated but elated all at once.... Elated because his pain ( and he has pain) and his suffering will come to a end. Devastated - to lose again what I already lost 6 .5 years ago my friend, my lover, my husband. He was already gone, but now he will leave me again. But I would never choose differently for him- I did once- I won't take that moral responsibility again.

     I write this cause, this site has been my "ear" its a pretty complete log of my stroke experience  - ( from basic start to now finish) not as the actual victim but as a person who loved and cared so much for a person affected by stroke. 

  2. SassyBetsy
    Latest Entry

    This trip IS my early retirement, moments I said I cannot believe what my eyes are seeing, good food no regrets, enjoing time space with loved ones, speaking out for Accessibility, Being....beauty, pampering,experiencing...total Hedonism.

    I live with daily pain but I persue pleasure. 


    My friend has pneumonia,is 95, says she ready to go....she led women in exercises in airforce in WWII......She taught me card games, i shared food and company, i visited, provided cards, she wouls see me and say where,ve you been???? I will miss her, hope someday I will see her on other side and she will say that to me again. I pray for her peaceful passing. Hard to be here in midst of this. I said no more friends here but once again I feel loss,lost,left, God help me.


    As long as I am here I will seek magnificient thing, go live.

  3. achandra
    Latest Entry

    just heard oprah discussing new book trust on her super-soul Sunday series. & it does make me think about trust & it is so hard in our difficult times to trust God or someone that something better is going to come  out of this ordeal.  Sometimes when you venture into complete unknown territory  like bird learning to fly for the first time  & jump off its nest, trusting in his wings that it will be able to  keep him off ground & able to soar & not jump off to its death. does make me think about how I struggled  when I decided to go on early retirement & venture into complete new territory, I was so afraid though I remember very distinctly thinking God please show me some sign that this is right decision I am doing for me.  & he did by drawing my attention to logo of my college was similar to company I decided to leave behind, that made me realize that I need to just relax & trust power bigger than me & enjoy my journey. I am so thankful for all this valuable lessons in my life  where sometimes when I look back it feels like there are no coincidences in life. how one would explain all choices , decisions & opportunities I got in my life. those choices, actions made me person I have become today.




  4. On Saturday I went to the Combined Stroke Groups morning tea. I have stepped back from the Stroke Recovery group that Ray and I belonged to “WAGS” in the last six months but got a reminder email from one of my friends who belongs to that group and then a phone call to ask why I was neglecting to meet up with my good friends there. So I decided to go back to meet up with them again and was glad I did. Friends from all the different parts of our life are a gift and I should never stop being thankful for that group of people.


    The guest speaker was a Professor of Neurology and he talked about the various methods of rehabilitation and how the type of rehabilitation a stroke survivor needs is reviewed in a stroke unit and ideally a program tailored to that individual. I don't need to tell you all that the theory is marvellous but the application of that method outside of teaching hospitals is less likely to happen. He spoke until the time was up so luckily no-one could tell him their ideas on that subject as I think some of the replies may have been harsh, particularly from those who had had a very different experience during their own recovery.


    It was good to see so many friends I had made there, sad to think that some have passed on or are now in nursing homes and unable to attend. Time moves on, I have been a member of that group since 2006 so a lot has happened to them and to me in that time. It is sad to see some of the older caregivers struggling now with the caring role. I know how much the last few years of looking after Ray exhausted me so can empathise with them. Just being a part of that group is a boost to them, the men still go to Scallywags ( lunch and a chat) once a fortnight and the Carers monthly lunch group still gather.  Unfortunately I can't go to that as it is on the same Saturday as our Market day at church.


    I have been trying to meet up with my 83 year old friend who looks after her son at least once a week and at least chat to her for a while. She is really slowing down now and showing her age and I feel for her as sooner or later her son will have to go into care and that will break her heart. But for a lot of people like my friend there isn't a lot of support from other family members so little relief from the caregiver role. Her other son looks after his wife who has cancer so he is not unwilling but unable to help as much as he would like to. Her daughter lives in another state and does come to see her two or three times a year but that is nowhere near enough.


    I went out to Broken Hill to visit Trevor for ten days and came back home last Tuesday.  The first four days Alice was with us and then we had a few days at home.Trevor worked a few hours most of those days. I have had many trips now to Broken Hill so there is not much I haven't seen there. I always enjoy walking a few houses up and seeing the shingle-back lizards at the home of a lady who volunteers for WIRES, one of the organisations that helps injured wild life. Shingle-backs are slow so an easy target on the open road. She had over 30 adults and many young lizards in her back yard. She said she is not allowed to release them until mid-August as they sleep most of winter and then she has to make sure they are eating before releasing them.


    This visit we did go to a few Art Galleries. There was a n exhibition of works by Outback Artists at the Regional Art Gallery and I really enjoyed that. I was surprised that the “receptionist” had a blue tee shirt and old paint speckled trousers on but he pointed out which exhibits he was sure we would want to see. He was right and I really enjoyed the diversity of paintings of the wonderful red soil and brilliant blue skies in so many different styles. Afterwards he told us he was actually the installer and the receptionist had gone home to prepare for the special opening that night. We were lucky to be there on that day I think.


    Then we drove down to Adelaide, a seven hour drive from Broken Hill. I wanted to go and visit my older son and his partner and family there as his partner has had what was at first called a series of Tias and then a small stroke. She has recovered quite well with the exception of some slowness of thought, massive fatigue issues and a real loss of confidence. She walks like an old lady now (her words) although she is in her early 40s and I can see she is upset because after three months she knew she still didn't have the energy to go back to full time work and so lost her job. We did talk a little about my experience with Ray with strokes and I hope that helped. Not much more I can do for them being so far away except keep in touch.


    It is still wintery here but I can tell by the longer days and the frantic activities of the birds that Spring is now not far away.  That is something to be happy about.

  5. Strokewife
    Latest Entry

    Recently, as I assisted my stroke survivor with taking his nightly medications, helping him maneuver into bed, and removing his shoes I mentally ran down the check list of all necessary things he requested on his bed side table.  Simultaneously, I sighed.  I consciously was aware of the throbbing pain in between my shoulder blades and lower back causing me to move a bit slower than normal.  I felt tired, weepy, and angry all in one.  Certainly, I did not mention my frustration to my stroke survivor but somehow I know he knew.


    It has been over two years since I became a caregiver for my stroke survivor.  In that time I adjusted just about everything in my life to focus solely on taking care of him.  At first, I didn’t think twice about it.  I would approach each day with an above board way of thinking.  There was a lot to do and not enough time to do it.  The hope that engulfed me allowed for enthusiasm to help him in his daily therapies. Others called me a saint for all I did for my husband and commented with statements claiming, “They didn’t know how I did it.”  Honestly, I don’t know how I did it either.  But, I pulled strength from a trust in a higher power and each night I could rest knowing things would be O.K.  The biggest driving force was the hope, or more like the expectation, that my stroke survivor would have a complete recovery.

    So, on this night when I routinely assisted my husband I quietly excused myself from the room once he lay slumbering and I wiped tears from my eyes.  Mostly, this came about because of our latest doctor’s visit that encompassed yet another statement regarding my stroke survivor’s unfortunate circumstances that come by way of genetics.  My stroke survivor is genetically blessed with high blood pressure, which gifts him with the pleasure of taking a plethora of pills. He has grown tired of the routine morning and night of tossing back a mouth full of medication followed with a chaser of milk. He grumbles when I take his blood pressure. Whining is prevalent with each doctor’s appointment. I have become at a loss for words.  I have become weary. Thus it has been suggested that I need a break.


    All this brings to mind a moment I had at the beginning of all this care giving education.  Once my stroke survivor completed his initial six weeks of In-patient Rehabilitation we brought him home and began Outpatient Rehabilitation three times a week.  The beauty of this time was it allowed me some time to do errands without concern for my stroke survivor. Meaning, I had free time from my husband but not time for myself. Things moved quickly and I was juggling so much I knew I was going to drop a ball or two.  One of the physical therapist noted I looked tired asked if I had taken some time for myself.  She, in what seemed like slow motion, stated “Respite Care.” I just smiled and said I was looking in to it and appreciated her concern.  Secretly, I was thinking, “Respite, What?” “What the H-E-double toothpicks was respite care?”  Between you and me, my dear readers, I had not ever heard the word respite until that day.  I don’t know why I had not heard the term before because I had worked in the health care field and seemed rehearsed on such things. Trust me, I went home that evening and Googled the meaning of respite, which is A short period of rest or relief from something difficult or unpleasant. Of course, I also searched for providers in the area.  I actually called an organization that did the research for me.  In the days that followed I received calls from various places wanting to talk with me about home care giving assistance.  I met with a few.  I signed up with a group just in case.  There was no obligation so why not.  Yet, it would cost approximately twenty dollars an hour with a four-hour minimum.  Somehow, I found this more stressful than what I had anticipated.  I wasn’t sure whether I could trust a hired caregiver.  I asked friends, co-workers, and family about people, groups, and assistance. Needless to say I did not hire the so-called “Respite” person.  Bringing me back to the juggling again.


    This brings me to my final thoughts regarding this subject.  Now, I can say I have got to a point, after two years, where everything seems overwhelming.  Perhaps it is because I am so tired of the day to day routine. Likely it is because I miss activity that went bye-bye when a stroke appeared. More so, it is simply as defined I need a period of rest or relief from something difficult…

    Lastly, what have you done my followers to find respite?

  6. ksmith
    Latest Entry

    This weekend was my family reunion. This one was harder than ever for it was the first year without both, if not one, of my grandparents. I was looking at my grandmother’s chair and imagining her sitting in it while my grandfather was next took hers, both drinking wine and it watching golf…. With the sound off. We never understand the sound off but who were we to question. 
      My family could sit around a couple of picnic tables…well maybe more for more little ones running around now. The thing was, both of my grandparents were only children so no aunts or uncles for my father and his siblings. My grandparents had two boys and two girls and from them they have had a total of eight children between them and now nine. ….I think. Even though we may not see all of them as much as I’d like, once I do it’s like no time has passed and we see each other regularly. Many of my cousins once lived in Philadelphia and that was fantastic but as everyone now has their own families and jobs, it’s more spread out not. I still have family in Pa but now Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Florida. That’s just on my father side. Immediate family that is. The wonderful thing is, we may be separated by distance but we are so close in love.



  7. It's been a while since I've written a blog and been really active on the site. First of all I miss those of you I know here but I have been sort of recovering and regrouping after leaving Adrian and moving back into my Dad's house. There has been a lot of positive...my anxiety has been less, I have my own transportation, I am still waiting for the second round of disability decisions, I am close to family, my daughter is doing wonderful and is so good to me sending me $50 every other week to help me, I've been making my own choices, I even have my sleep so much better now getting to bed between 8:30 and 10. So many good things. Something has happened though 4 different times which I need to get off my chest. My Dad and I get along most of the time but he is a huge trigger at times and can evoke a pretty big anxiety attack in me at times. Once because he told me not to put my hair up in a pony tail anymore that my step mom had cut my hair and "the pony tail looked like *beep*". It was an immediate trigger and I couldn't stop the attack. I finally got to my room took my anxiety medication and finally fell asleep. A second time was him telling me "If that guy called right now I bet you would go back to him because you are stupid.". He wouldn't stop even when I begged him. I ended up half blindly driving to where my step mom is staying at my Grandmother's so I could calm down. Both of the other 2 times have been about my weight. I have gained 50 pounds since my stroke. I joined a gym a week ago so I can be healthier which hopefully will help my weight as well. He has called me fat, told me I don't care about how I look, told me he wouldn't leave me alone, to go ahead and cry until I can't cry anymore because he doesn't care, more times that I am stupid. I can't stay at the house when he gets like that because he won't stop and the anxiety attack just gets worse and worse. Each time I have gone to my Grandmother's...each time right in the middle of a pretty severe anxiety attack. It's wearing on me. I find myself just silent and to myself more and more. My Psychiatrist is concerned...he made the statement "You fell from the frying pan onto the stove.". He shows more compassion and care than any Doctor I have ever had and we talk about what my future plans are and he encourages me. I just needed to get this off my chest. My hope is that in the future I will live by myself and make all my choices and be free of the hot spots. It won't be perfect but I think I would feel so much better.

  8. srademacher
    Latest Entry


    Friday, June 30 th   My 69th and would have been Dan’s 44th birthday – we headed over to the new house with Kelly and her friend, Jim to do the cleaning and prep work to get ready for moving.   Jim got all of the bigger items done---door locks changed, hardwiring the electrical for the drip system, replacing fan light in bedroom #2, replacing the garbage disposal, and installing the grab bars in both bathrooms.    Kelly was here to get the cleaning done and put the shelving together for the garage items, but kept getting sidetracked with other jobs.  She watered the plants front and back and checked the chemical levels in the pool, and changed out the RO filters while Jim had the garbage disposal out of her way.   Gary was bored out of his mind when he wasn’t napping so I parked him in the living room, facing the wall where we would eventually put the big tv, and told him to pretend he was watching his favorite show on tv.  I asked him to please sit still while we worked.   As usual, he had to be a smartass and told me  “change the channel.”  


    Saturday –Kelly was supposed to pick me up at 6:30 so we could go get the Uhaul truck by 7 a.m.  I had arranged for a neighbor, David to come over and sit with Gary for about a half hour while we went to get truck.  It was nearly 7:10 when Kelly showed up with the Uhaul.   David stuck around and helped with the loading of items in the truck once Joel and Ryan arrived to help.  I had been up since 3:30 and got all the computer stuff unplugged and ready to go so tried to stay out of their way and keep my feet elevated.   Carmen arrived at 8 a.m. to start cleaning up behind us as we emptied out the rooms.  We were on the road to the new house by 10 a.m. and they managed to get it all unloaded from the Uhaul truck, son’s pickup and my SUV,  and were out of here by 1:30.   Gary and I were here alone with no internet, no tv and no phone service till the 3rd.    My cell phone carrier – Consumer Cellular has intermittent service here at the house – looks like I’ll be changing carriers soon.


    We ate a late lunch after everyone left since none of them wanted to stick around for lunch.  By 5:30 pm the pool in the back yard was shaded over enough that I didn’t need to lather myself in sunscreen, so we headed out back – me in my granny swimsuit, and him in a sleeveless top and shorts.  I parked him on the patio and grabbed the skimmer to clean the few leaves out of the pool before getting in.   It didn’t take me long to realize I need grab bars for myself to get in and out of that pool.  There was nothing to hold onto as I took the few steps down into the pool nearest the back patio area.   It was even worse trying to get out.   I had to get out on my knees and try standing up from there without anything to hold on to.  We need to remedy that sooner rather than later.   I managed a 40 min. swim and because I had been awake since 3:30 a.m., I finally hit the new bed by 7:30 p.m. and slept until 2:30 a.m.   I was exhausted.  Gary didn’t wake up to pee until nearly 5:30 a.m., and then rolled over and went back to sleep until 9 a.m.  


    While the new grab bars in the bathrooms work well for me, we still have a problem with getting Gary in and out of a tub.  The bathroom off the master bedroom is narrow and he has to turn a corner to get to the tub area – looks like bathroom door removal is inevitable.   For now, we can get him on back patio in a shower chair and hose him off.  


    We survived Sunday in the new house – just the two of us ….cell phone coverage was still very spotty and driving me crazy.  I did get a few incoming texts but could not respond to them.  Jim had texted me several times about picking up the ADA toilets and when he could install them.  I finally was able to get a text back to him that Monday was not a good day with the cable guy coming to do phone, internet, and tv hookups and Kelly would be here to help get household stuff in from the boxes in the garage.   We didn’t need more people in and out tripping over each other in the narrow hallway from the garage.  He agreed to wait until Tuesday to get it done and figure out what we need for ramps in and out of garage and back patio area.   Gary and I managed a trip out to the local Walmart for some grocery items and picked up a KFC meal at their drive-up window and headed home.  I also managed to get to the washer and dryer in the garage to run a load of clothes.


    Monday morning, July 3rd, Gary was yelling about 4 a.m.  I decided there was no point in trying to go back to sleep so I got up and ate my bowl of cheerios before it was even light outside.  I found a few more items I had been searching for in that pile in the garage and brought them in, but I’m still missing the connection cable for the printer.  At least I got all the computer cables hooked up so COX can hook us up to internet today whenever they get here.   I have no idea what time they are coming, but hope it’s early so I can get out to the bank and Walmart while Kelly is here.   I didn’t get all the items on my list when we went to Walmart yesterday because it’s not easy pushing a grocery cart and a 220 lb. man in a wheelchair…feeling it in my back and neck this morning….won’t do that again! 


    Things will eventually calm down and we can start enjoying our new home.  Once all the boxes and bins are unpacked and things neatly put away, we can enjoy the peace and quiet of a smaller community.  Our biggest problem here will be keeping the pigeons away, and I think Kelly had a good suggestion for that.  I have no idea why the house was designed with a ledge above the garage and the front entrance, but I’m sure there must have been a pigeon involved in that decision making process.  I wouldn’t mind if they just sat on the ledge, but if I want to clean up crap every day, I’ll get another dog.   No pigeon poop for me…..thanks anyhow!!!!






  9. Some people may be offended by this..... But today I come to the nursing home to see Dan. Who has refused to shower for almost 2 weeks now. He is fighting over the time of his shower. Somewhere, somehow, he has decided the time to be showered is 12 o'clock noon..... It has never been scheduled for that time. Whats wrong with that time ? Well plenty all the staff are busy and Dan will take himself to the shower room and load himself into the shower... Hooray independence - NOT... Its dangerous , no one is there at that time. Normally as I always have in the past I fight the battle and make it happen. But Im tired of the fight. It is a simple control mechanism . And he has no regard . For anyone in his pursuit. So Im not fighting it. Ive put my foot down and told him no more. Follow the flipping rules. Well 2 weeks out he is still refusing to shower at his time. 

    Tonight after my day at work I bring him supper- Crappy Mc Donalds again.... YUCK. anyhow, the home had turkey supper looked ok . So I figured Ill eat the darn turkey, he can eat the dog crap - Mc Donalds---. So an aid brought in the tray. set it down and Dan told her to leave. OK.... then he tells me he needs to go to the BR for a BM.... Are you kidding me. He laid there waiting for me, to come so I could take him to the Bathroom. Is that an honor? A novice caretaker might think so.... To me it is a degrading insult.... I worked and took care of him at home for years. Only to be driven to depression by his OCD behavior.. Now Im his aid still... Nope -- I left... Now the home is calling , what do we do?  I don't know?? If I knew he would still be at home with me... This man, this stinky- controlling man- I don't even know who he is. Damn - it never ends. 

  10. This is tiny update to boast.


    I finally did my first "run throughs" at Running Group on Monday.  I've been going to Running group since Dec 2015 so it's taken 18 months to meet this first part of the goal. It's now just over 12 months since the cast came off after my leg surgery. I still can't really get up on my toes, so this was probably not really running which actually needs "flight phase" but it's a good approximation and starting point for improvement. So I'll call it "running"


    "Run throughs" means  that they put a gait belt on you and then you "run" with little steps, as much on your toes as you can down the hallway (about 10 metres) with a therapist holding the gait belt just in case and helping you with rhythm. The aim being to eliminate the "gallop" rhythm that most stroke survivors have where the bad leg hesitates between pairs of steps. this is all about consistent fast twitch muscle response. I did 4 runs and each was a bit better than the last one.



    So there's still a very long way to go but ... :happy-dance:

  11. Well today my definition is a successful trip to the grocery store I did run into anybody with my cart I did hit one display but I did knock it over so I think I was quite successful what do you think

  12. Punch1021
    Latest Entry

    The last time I blogged it had been awhile. I said I would blog/write more, but that never happened.  Now that it seems my world is crashing, I am writing a blog.  Today marks the one year of my brother's death.  It is still hard to come to terms that he is gone.  To help cope with his loss, I sought out another therapist.  I had joined a meet up group after my second break up with my ex so life was going in the direction I wanted.  Then yesterday I get hit with my job duties being changed at work.  I am going from a manager to a coordinator.  Same pay, but no more management duties.  Another co-worker will take over my position at the lower level and I will take over hers.  One of the owners where we work will take over the management duties.  You're an owner, you already have leadership duties right?  Right...  The young lady I supervise was told today.  Our boss said she is her supervisor now. She was just as confused as to why they made this type of change. When I talked to my boss about this I told her that I feel like this is a demotion.  She said it wasn't.  She felt my strengths were better at my co-workers job and she would do well with mine(with her help).  However, my coworker cannot handle her current position.  She also doesn't know how to talk to people.  Her position requires that she talks to people.  I will now have to make sure I keep the people that she talks to.  I was also told to help keep others positive about this change.  This whole thing has me so sick.  I almost broke down at work today thinking about this change and how it's also the day my brother left this earth.  Tomorrow I am seeing both of my therapist.  It will be interesting to see what they say about this.  Especially, the one who said I was projecting too much on what my coworkers would do. 

    Before this change, I was having a good year.  I finally traveled internationally.  In April I went to Egypt.  It was the best time of my life.  I will go again hopefully next year.  I have been going out, trying to be social.  Trying to get my life together.  Then this happened.  Now is the question of what do I do next.  I emailed all the owners of the company about how I felt.  Just waiting to see if one of them will write back.  If not, I will try to stay on as long as I can, but I see myself resigning.  I can't sit here and pretend to like someone who didn't respect the people who worked for me.  I can't be positive for owners who want me to go along with this and convince others to be the same as well.  Sometime I think they want this to happen.  They tell me I am valuable, but their actions tell me I am not. 

    I know this issue will pass, but it was nice not having such issues. I hope they will answer my email and if I need to leave, I hope I can find another job quickly.  Our general manager was fired last year and she is still unemployed.  I don't want to go down that unemployment road again so soon. 


  13. I'm having a rough, emotional morning. A close friend of the family recently had a cardiac event that hospitalized him, and after having an MRI, it was determined that there was evidence of two old strokes.  I haven't spoken to him directly, he hasn't any paralysis, and have learned that he seems very confused, can't drive, and his brother couldn't understand him while talking with him on the phone.  Apparently he's seeing his PMD this Friday.


    I realize that he and his wife are taking care of it in their own way, and that's the way it is, but I'm really scared for him.  I think it stems from my own experience; at the same time my level of emotional response seems (to me) inappropriate.  Brain short-circuit? 

  14. nancyl

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    ECT --- works . ( electro convulsive therapy )   Yes the "barbaric" "one flew over the cuckoos nest" - Zap the brain.. Works.  Old timers know about my battle with depression after caregiving proved to much for me. But taking care of Dan is proving challenging for the nursing home as well. He is frusterating. For even the most seasoned medical Pros. I get a bit of satisfaction knowing that. I did 4 years, the nursing home just completed their second. It is so nice to not wake instantly ( if i would get sleep) with a panic attack- that just lasted 24/7. So fellow caregivers with unresolved depression there is hope. Of course as with all things medical - it is not a one size fits all. It may or may not work for you. And during the treatment - you are existing. thats it. But I knew from the very first treatment that this was by far the most positive reaction - I had felt since the long list of methods, medication, supplements, homeopathic cures, hospitalization. 

    People I met during my depression are just now meeting "me". LOL Anyone can message me if my experience is in the least bit helpful. 

  15. Lesley's mum is now here and settling into life in North East Tennessee. She handled the long flight from New Zealand to Los Angles very well. She and Lesley spent 5 days there resting and spending time with relatives. A 5 hour flight here and all is now going very well. The paperwork and medical exam are in the hands of the immigration lawyer and mum's health is good. She has a nanny nap once or twice a day and awakes bright and cheerful


    What a joy it is to have her with us at this time in her life! Lesley has been taking her all over the local shops and we have been spoiling her every day. We spent last weekend in Atlanta with some relatives and she was the center of attention. Lesley and mum are sharing many special mother/daughter hours together everyday. I rather stay out of the way and do as I am told. I have never eaten better!


    Before she arrived I put a short hand rail by the only two steps in our house and they have worked out well. It is all she needs to get up and down them without assistance. We just hover nearby. This week I will be putting the seat lift in the motorhome so she will not have to deal with stairs getting in and out of it. She is excited and cannot wait for us to get on the road again soon. We plan to be traveling in late June for a month or so, depending how she handles it.


    the dogs have become very protective of her and are always nearby.


    well, I must go now, just a quick update here.

  16. lwisman
    Latest Entry

    It is been a while since I have blogged.

    Since I last blogged my sister went on a 10 day retreat to Colorado. Jade the cat and I enjoyed ourselves. The bad news was that just before Marge left I baked a ham, put a lot of slices in the freezer, and made ham and beans. The ham and beans were really good, but Marge left town. After getting really tired of ham and beans I froze a large cottage cheese container (three pound container.) She is enjoying them now!

    Keys. About a month ago the keys for the shed in the backyard went missing. We looked everywhere. Had just about decided to find someone to cut the lock. The other key, which had been missing, is the second key to my car. Again, every pants and jacket pocket was checked. Then one day I was cleaning out my pouch and found the car key. It had migrated to the very bottom. I have been in the pouch countless times, but never all the way to the bottom. Hmm…an idea worth checking out for the shed key. A friend is currently in the process of making us a replacement for the kitchen table cover – the current one is waterproof and is elasticized – they no longer sell them big enough. Anyway, when Pat came to get the old one (with hole) for a pattern there was stuff on the table. Sure enough the keys had fallen into an empty flower pot under the table. Just dig deep….


    While Marge was gone I decided to put my 2017 village sticker on my car – deadline was April 30. I counted the stickers already there –six— and decided there really was not room for anymore. So I backed the car out of the garage so I had better light and went out with goo gone, razor blade, paper towels and vinegar water (to get rid of the goo gone). After a lot of elbow grease I removed three old stickers. Decided the other three could come off next year. After cleaning up with the vinegar water I put the 2017 sticker on. While I was out Sara, who lives directly across the street from us, came over to check on me. If you ever want to know what is happening in our neighborhood,, just ask Sara!

    Speaking of neighbors the four kids who just moved in next door were all out in the backyard playing late one afternoon this week. Jade the cat lay on her perch in the window and watched them for the longest time.

    Thursday I was up at 6 am to finish getting stuff together before cleaning lady, who was scheduled to come at 8. No it was not all cleaning, LOL. Anyway the person who runs the cleaning service called at 7:15 to say the cleaning lady would not be at our house until 11:30. Then at 10:15 the hair dresser called because we had 10 and 10:30 appts to have our hair cut. She said if we could get there by 10:30 she could still do both of them. We were there at 10:29. So it was a crazy day. But, the house is clean!

    Friday morning I woke up and immediately noticed pain in my left little finger. It was swollen, but obviously the problem was under the nail. No way to get to it. I washed it well and put on antibiotic cream. It was not helping. Figured the antibiotic cream was tainted. Saturday morning the finger no longer throbbed, but there was still pain when it was bumped. So at 8:05 I was backing out of the driveway to drive to Walgreens (about a mile from us.) Bought new cream. Within 30 minutes after putting it on I could tell the difference. Now there is only slight pain when it is bumped. Still some swelling and redness. But, looks like it is on the way to healing.

    My third bread machine (in twenty years) has died. Of course it died while I was making bread. This first happened a few weeks ago. I gave the machine a good cleaning and it started working again. Then it happened again this morning. Anyway I have not actually used a bread machine for baking the bread for years. I only use the dough setting and then bake in the oven. I think it both tastes and looks better. I took the ingredients from the bread machine pan and used the dough hook on my stand mixer. The bread is ok, but not near as nice as with the machine doing the kneading and heat control. Then I got on the internet and learned a lot about using a dough hook. So I think I will experiment a bit. I have thought for years a bread machine was more than I needed, but have not seen a good alternative. We shall see.


    Sun is shining today. Temps are only in the 50s. But after days of rain this is a nice change.

  17. nancyl

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    I haven't been able to be alone for a very long time. This weekend I have been. No one here. It is nice, not only the freedom of it, but the fact I can do it. For so long being at home alone was something I just made sure never happened. Not on a conscience level, but sub consciencely. I have a little anxiety this morning, but thats only because i have "thought " about it.

    Dan is doing as well as Dan can do. Good days, Bad days the same cycle repeats itself. Trying hard to just hang on and enjoy the good and walk away from the bad. But on average I leave the nursing home - which i visit usually x2 daily- crying about 2 days a week. last week was his birthday, baked him a homemade red velvet cake. That cake is a lot of work. The kids took it to him along with his birthday gift. A fluffy "cheatah blanket". I was home sicker than a dog with this darn flu/cold. He was mad it wasn't me, so he kicked the kids out, along with the cake and his present. Mind you earlier he had ny sister come to his room and ask to take him to one of my daughters home for his birthday. He refused - i think he thought I would come, I couldn't ,i just ached to much. 

    I came the next day and he does the dismissive thing flipping his hand in the - go away fashion- the," get out of my sight." I have had that happen to me so much, one would think I would become immune  from that distain he displays. But Im not. I still care enough to cry. 

    I have found I can concentrate much better. At work I am finally a asset instead of a hinderance. It was awful, in the height of my depression- i had no ability to remember, my eyes couldn't see and focus. and my hearing was muffled . My stomach had that awful fight or flight feeling. Those were my primary problems, with a whole host of more minor complaints. You know on Facebook some little saying will come up with a clever way of saying, all that has happened to me has made me stronger. I say thats a lot of B**lSh*t. If it ( depression) didn't kill you, your just damn lucky. Luckier still if you can find a treatment that works. Well thats my brilliance , haha for today.... 

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    I have lost so much hair and I started rogain again today. Solution this time instead of foam.

    has anyone used it???

  18. dreinke
    Latest Entry

    It has been years since posting here or replying to content. Too busy living life. Just got back from a two week trip to Spain. I keep busy updating my personal blog and writing chapters in a collaborative stroke book.  I barely have enough time writing 5-25 posts a day to visit stroke forums along with a full time job.  Deans' Stroke Musings for those who aren't offended by swearing. 11 years and having the time of my life.  My 10,000 step a day goal has been going strong for 13 weeks.

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    I'm just sitting here bored out of my mind.  there is no one down in the Social Room I want to visit with. (I live in an Independent Living Senior apartment building-I'm the youngest one here by a few years).  There isn't anything on tv except for all the controversy surrounding "you know who" for a while until baseball comes on.  was supposed to have an MRI yesterday but the machine broke Monday night so now I have to wait until May1.  Have a 48 hour EEG coming up next Mon-Wed. decided to stop my volunteer work with the local bus company because I was concerned about being out with a group and having one of my episodes. I was a Mobility Mentor-we go with seniors/disabled on the bus to appointments/shopping/outings.   We show them how to ride the bus and help them get there and back home. I'm also the Activities Coordinator for the Mobility Travel Club I set up here in my building-I look for things for the travel club to do and schedules the outings.  having one of my episodes and not feeling to hot but don't want to go be alone in my apartment. I will be so glad when we figure out what is going on with me and takes steps to resolve these issues. of course that may not happen, but I am hopeful.

  19. thejule1
    Latest Entry

    I'm ashamed to say I have not been on here for a long time.  Larry has had some health issues lately.  I was in the hospital overnight for the first time in 30 years due to a blood pressure problem.  Luckily my son was able to be here to take care of Larry.  Fortunately I was only in the hospital for one night but I need to plan a "what if" should I be unable to take care of him for a longer period next time.  You never know what is around the corner. 

    For the second time since the end of 2014 Larry had another battle with aspiration pnuemonia.   He was doing well on the feeding tube after we got him on the right formula two years ago.  He finally gained weight and was at 183.  This last hospitalization knocked the daylights out of him.  He was in the hospital for a couple of weeks and then in the short term rehab for another month.  Due to all the antibiotics he was taking, he contracted C-Diff.  He continued to work hard in therapy which helped.   He was able to come home but it took a while before he was able to walk with his cane again.  I couldn't get our good physical therapist until 5 days later.  He has made good progress and is walking again with his cane and transferring well.  He had his 7th stroke anniversary in February.  I can tell he has declined some over the years but I am happy I was able to get him back home again.  He is looking forward to watching our first Cardinal home game this Sunday.  

    We are lucky that we have not had any snow to speak of so far.  Spring is starting early here.

    My best to all,










  20. Hi,

    I thought I would write more often, but this seems to be the pace.

    I stopped going to our Older Persons Center (OPC) where I would work out on the rehab exercise machines.  I was trying to see if I could get off Ambien and get my head to quit hurting all the time.  It is so tiring.  So far no luck.  I went to a new neurologist last month who specializes in chronic head aches to see if there is another approach.  She has me on Pamelor which is supposed to make you sleepy.  Not me, just kinda excited, but very tired.  Weird.  But I have to build up the dose over a few months to see if there is improvement.  It's some sort of antidepressant, but fortunately I don't need it for that.  S'pposed to help with nerve pain and interupt the feedback look for pain.   If not, then try something else.

    Social security decided that I was disabled.  I thought I would be glad to get that decision.  But it created weird feeling.  I know I am disabled, but I don't want other people telling me that.  It seemed like a jail sentence.  It was faster decision than I thought it would take, guess I am more messed up than I thought.  Oh well, I keep telling myself I will still walk the Appalachian Trail, so maybe something will happen. So far I've only walked a few hundred yards on that point between Tennessee and North Carolina, pre-stroke.

    It's time to get the garden started.  Got some seeds planted indoors.  Now I have to build a cover for my garden so that deer, rabbits, and ground hogs don't eat everything.  This has been a constant battle.  Hopefully I will get more of my vegs than I give to them this last year.  Animals 100, John 0.

    I saved some tomato seeds from an Heirloom a few years ago and decided this year to try them.  They have started to grow.  first step.  Now to grow them and see what I got.  I don't know what they are.  In my haste back then I only labeled the envelope heirloom seeds.  Duh, what one?  Sometimes I get so frustrated with me.  Why did I think I would remember the type?  Oh well.  If I can get them to grow and the deer don't eat the blooms like last year, I will find out if they are cherry or larger.  I am hoping they are cherry.  if so I know they are Ruby Pearls.  So have been the best small cherry - grape sized I have ever eaten.  So sweet.  Others are good, but these are just a little better.

    I'm always open to better ways to garden, so if you have tricks, I'm all ears.  Thanks,

    all for now, Have a Great Day everyone!

  21. smallory
    Latest Entry

    Please read my blog articles by clicking here.  


  22. I'm so happy to report my wife is better walking, sleeping, and being herself again.... God is good all the time!!!!! So all I can think of is take her to some place she loves and enjoys being there..... She even got up this morning and went to early morning Glory service at church driving herself in my car of course........


    That place will be the Casino since they have already sent me an email for two free nights at the Hotel...... :D She was cleared by her doctor this week and all the gear she was using was turned in so she can wear regular clothes and shoes again and return to work full time.... God Is Good All The Time!!!!


    I send my Thanks for All Your Prayers and Best Wishes they were all good, thank you all!!!!!


    Thank You, Thank You....... :D

  23. ksmith
    Latest Entry

    Well tomorrow is the day that I only consume liquid. I have Tuesday I have a surgery that will change my life for the better. Then why am I scared? I’ll tell you:


    I explained it to my mother that I feel like a drug addict that is facing life after rehab. The fear of the unknown. It is a common fear with this according to other candidates for the surgery. So I’m not crazy? I often say to myself; ‘I love my pizza and pasta and goodies’, and then I feel trepidation with my decision. Crazy right? Well no. The same fear I’m feeling is the same after my stroke. ‘I love riding my bike and walking in heels’ was what I would often say and still to this day I feel less of a woman for heels, well in my mind, made a woman sexy…attractive to men. That kind of feeling is the same that I first thought about myself after my stroke I mean who would ever want me? I was married at the time and we were mainly best friends, to no fault of his, for I forgot the first nine years of our marriage. Sure, we could have rebuilt it but before the stroke there were problems in our marriage. Despite that, he stood my myside for five years after the stroke and he is still one of my best friends. In that time I was able to relearn many daily functions of life but I still don’t feel attractive enough to attract a man. (Not that I’m looking now)
    It’s thoughts like that and advice from people that made my decision to get back into shape. The surgery will allow that to happen. This is the last course of action I wanted to take but the invisible aspects of my stroke make that nearly impossible. But little by little I’m trying to correct my health by taking these steps.


    Now, I started this out by likening this surgery as a drug addict. Food was my drug. Comfort was my drug. It was also my antidepressant throughout my recovery from stroke. Now I have to adjust to the changes, which frankly aren’t that different from when I was workout I was doing before the stroke. Yes, my food size will GREATLY decrease. I was, before my stroke, riding my mountain bike twenty miles a day was nothing but, that also allowed me to eat almost anything. And I did.


    I’m stronger than this and I know that I can overcome this challenge for if I overcame my stroke to life again I got this too. Bring it on Tuesday!!