Michael

In God's big plan, why does he see that some survive strokes other do not. It is not just strokes. It's car accidents, heart attacks, Cancer, gunshots, In quiet times my thoughts wonder, why me? Could have just as easily been me that was in the thirty percent that does not survive. When I am at my worst, I scream in my head for an answer only he can answer. "Why did you not take me home then?" I know "When it is your time." is the answer. I guess I was not ready yet. I am grateful for a life being so blessed with love and Grace that words tend to escape me. So many times growing to where I am now, this life should have been done, but somehow I was held, grabbed, lifted, pushed, fell, or in some other way protected, whatever needed to be done. I cannot list the times I had protection when it was needed. I am not alone, but for those of us who recognize it, how do you come to grips with how much you are loved? Are we all blessed and only some realize they are blessed? I am overwhelmed by what some folks have overcome to get where they are today. I don't know where some people muster the gusto to go forward. I know we play the hands we are dealt. Sometimes it's way too easy, othertimes seems way too hard. That's life.

Depression is blamed for so many things, and we are told all stroke survivors have some type of it. I think I may have a way to describe the empty feeling the stroke left me with, It's like a schizophrenic must feel. From what I have read about schizophrenia, seems quite similar. I really don't like feeling this way, but doctors only answer is to put me on anti-depressives. They don't really know why they work, except to say it is "believed" they increase serotonin which helps neurotransmitters in the brain which eases the depression. I believe the "alone in here" feeling survivors get is generally alike from case to case. I know I feel a little off my rocker when the "alone in here" feeling gets really overwhelming. I realize every stroke survivor goes through the whole experience differently, but we all have had that empty feeling. Sometimes, I can man up and tell it to shut up and go away, other times it grabs me by my collar and yanks me down. I realize I am not as strong willed as some, heck I've had folks on here tell me to be more positive minded. That's all good to say and all, but for some of us just don't have that kind of fortitude.

Maria, thank you for your response. I need to refine my postings to fully get my point across. You hit the nail on the head "In reality I think the less impaired just wanted to express feeling their needs were being looked over at times because they were less apparent. Unfortunately you are very right in that those of us without obvious physical challenges appear to be fine and are not given the consideration for the damage that was done to our brain." I just fire stuff from the bow and see where it lands. I could be more restrained, but that would not be me. Thanks again Maria Leppy

I recently read a post, which I lost track of, from a woman in the last couple days mentioning her husband

I thought since I had such a mild stroke, I could deal with it's after effects myself. For over a year after returning to work as a road sales manager, the stress to keep up and empty alone feeling got the best of me and after being called in for a review, I informed my supervisor I refused to drive more than four hours daily in fear of another stroke, was relived of my duties (fired). The following day I had a gran mal seizure. At the time, I did not realize, I brought it, the stress and seizure, on myself. I was keeping all the "stroke feelings" (emptiness, sadness, grief) bottled up inside. I had also just been through a divorce a month after the stroke. Instead of letting my feelings be known, I just "manned up" and pressed forward. It is now I realize recovery; even from a very mild stroke cannot be done without support. I bumped along for the two years following the stroke but only recently am feeling much better about things. I attribute much of it to support I've gotten on this site. I had refused to accept myself, the person I had become post-stroke. The stupid part is I had so little change to accept. My only real problem was depression and that bleeping alone feeling which to this day has not gone away. I was on medication, which made the depression ease, but I was always a little foggy. I finally convinced my current doctor to give me a plan to wean me off the anti-depressives. I am no longer taking them. I guess I'm still a little depressed, but at least I'm not cloudy all the time in my head. The depression I am currently experiencing is very slight and something I can deal with using prayer and exercise (walking). I am trying to dwell on the good, and be grateful I am doing as well as I am. I've said it before and will say it many more times. I got off easy. When I think of the circumstances of my episode, I am lucky to just be alive Not that my stroke was so serious, it was minor, but I was unattended in my car for 26 hours after it, that's the wow part. I guess there really are angels among us. Currently I live in Charlottesville, Virginia, population 40,000 city wise, 100,000 countywide and I cannot find a stroke support group. I am grateful I found StrokeNet. My healing is on going and largely due to the love of a really good lady I met and support from my friends here at StrokeNet. I don't know where I'd be without it. As I have reached the point where I know I have lived longer that I shall live on this earth I am a little less concerned with possessions and more with relationships / friendships. I have and continue to make friends here, how wonderful and supportive.

In the short time I have been a member of this site, I have come to depend on input from so many of you. I only started blogging so all the echos in my head had someplace to go. But now as I have recieved support, it has lifted me to want to give more of myself. I wish I could lift every survivor and caregiver up and give them a hug of healing. If I can just give one person hope, it's all I can ask. Seems like i feed off encouraging comments. Thank you all. Praying for Blessings all around. Boy, that was easy, just squirted right off the keys. Keep fighting the good fight don't you dare give up hope. Survivors did so for a reason. I am getting an idea of what it might be, at least for me. I must make sure I let folks know, I know I got off easy. I well up when I read of other's struggles regarding this monster, not just survivors, but also caregivers. Deep in my soul, I wish I could make it, life as it was pre-stroke for everyone. Unfortunately we all have to deal with the person who showed up post stroke. My best to all of you. Leppy

Life has so many crazy curves it's a little like the , for those that remember, Wild Mouse roller coaster, not fast, but really threw you around. No sooner do we get adjusted to the way things are and along comes some wild jerky curve. Maybe we are all given some burden to carry, but I am trying to get a different slant on life and look at it as instead of burdens but opprotunities to do something to make life a little better. This blog rambles on in so many different directions, it's sometimes hard to follow and I'm writing it. I have always been one of those that knows we all have a dark scary place in our heads, but we do our best to steer away from it. Surviving a stroke, especially the really bad ones is a little like getting locked inside your own head. Even if you can still talk, you can't relate what you are feeling. That empty hollow feeling deep in your gut. The really tough part is being in there feeling like nobody knows what you are feeling, except another survivor. I think regardless of the scope of anyone's stroke, survivors all have an inkling what others here are feeling. This site has been most therapeutic for me. I have been touched so deeply by so many folks here. I would like to say I am not, but I am still angry I stroked, like I could have prevented it. I was blessed it was so light duty I thought I had no right to be angry knowing how much worse it could have been. Still strokes leave you an empty place that you cannot fill. It's there and you just have to get used to a new you. I pray every stroke victim becomes a survivor and finds there way here.I've come to realize the more I share my ideas of where I am now, the better I feel. I didn't have a support group until I came here. I spent over two years coping as best as I could alone. Even though my stroke was mild, so mild I did not want to confront that I even had one, it left scars in my soul. I can't imagine how tough it was or is for many of you folks. Yet you continue the good fight, and improve daily. Keep it up, I MEAN IT!!! DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE !!!!! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -My older daughter came up with nicknames for each member of her immediate family. I am Leppy, short for leprechaun, she is mini leppy, since she is a younger version of me. When she first started calling me that, I was not pleased, sounded, short bus, dim witted. It has grown on me and I find it kind of cute so I shall use it. That being said, Leppy out

I have written many papers in my lifetime, mostly for sales reports in my working life. When I saw there was an opening for the newsletter, I threw my name at Lin. I was so excited. I could be considered for a writing position. Then after reading some of Chris DeWalt's stuff, I realized, I could not carry this guy's keyboard. Yeah I have loose thoughts blasting about my noodle, but have always had a problem staying on task. Dreamer, nothing but a Dreamer. Always wishing for that one thing I would be remembered for. I do have two beautiful, loving, caring daughters and sure I have that lady luck throwing me a light duty stroke and being a suvivor of same, thing. But, When I compare myself to most folks I have met here, I got nothin'. StrokeNet is full of folks that refuse to think of themselves as victims, Just survivors, staying strong and fighting the good fight. Neuro champions and prayer warriors. I admire all you folks out there. If we could bottle up your courage and detemination. wheu!! So, as the echos stop bouncing around in my brain, that's it for this post. A couple hundred words at a sitting is about it. Anything longer is a cut and paste post from this leprechaun.

Being a stroke survivor has given me a different perspective on life than most other folks. I have often asked, "Lord, why spare me? Haven't you blessed me enough? God's Grace is impossible to understand. We as humans, get a glimpse of it when we look at our children, but never really understand it. I have spent countless hours angry I had a stroke, when I should have been grateful I was still alive and well as well as and for the insight it gave me into how blessed I have been. Throughout my life, I at times felt life had dealt me the impossible 2 card inside draw for a straight hand in a poker game, but so many times I actually drew those two cards. Grace, it's the only explanation I can give. So many times seems it should have fallen apart, but he was there to hold me up and push me on. I often forget we are to pray unceasingly, unselfishly, continuously, lovingly, for his will to be done. My faith teaches me, I will never be given more than I can handle and always be given more than I can possibly need. I am not alone in these feelings. Here, on this site, I have met some amazing people beset with what seem to me to be terrible crosses to bear, but yet they seem unfazed by it all, grateful to having survived. I am grateful for the unselfish love that has been shown me here, and will try to show it to others as time goes on. We must all pray for each other that our brothers and sisters are given what they need when they need it. May you be blessed with God's Grace now and always throughout your time on earth and beyond. For now I am off the :Soapbox: