Crusader8

Stroke Survivor - male
  • Posts

    6
  • Joined

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About Crusader8

  • Birthday 05/02/1956

Contact Methods

  • Stroke Network Email
    Yes

Shared Information

  • Stroke Anniversary (first stroke)
    04-09-2016
  • Stroke Anniversary (second stroke)
    10-07-2016
  • Interests
    Loving my wife and family, musician (drummer) and bicycling
  • How did you find us?
    Google Search

Registration Information

  • First Name
    James
  • State
    California

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  1. Not too much to say right now, getting ready to go to sleep.

    Though, I am a different person than I was a year ago.  I'm depressed, anxious and I can't say I feel any emotions, just dull.  And every day it's something different.  Last night I didn't feel "normal", kind of spacey. light headed with some mild confusion.  I also had a headache and I never get headaches.  It continued throughout the day today and is just pounding away right now.  I was a bit concerned at first, but decided it wasn't stroke related and tried to have a normal evening, though I really had to fight the urge to isolate.

    I hate the way my brain is now, but I trust God will heal me in His time.

    1. RonA

      RonA

      James, I just caught up with your latest blog entry, which is dated a little more than 3 months ago. I'm pleased that you are still in touch with this support community but sorry you are wrestling with depression. I just hope you have good doctors, including a psychologist or psychiatrist, and that you are following their advice and direction. If you continue to feel bad, get more help. Maybe it is time for you to visit a major university medical center. Those places usually stay on the cutting edge. Do some research to find the best place for you and your situation. It'll not only possibly get you the help you need, the research itself will take your mind off of your misery. It can be quite stimulating, truth be known. Good luck. I can only imagine how hard this is for you and your wife. But don't throw in the towel. There is always hope. And you are in much better shape than a whole lot of stroke survivors. Be grateful for that. At 62 you have a lot of living yet to do. So live it to the fullest. Your brain has been damaged but your spirit can endure. Keep the faith, James. And best of luck to you.

      --Ron

  2. Ron, thank you, great and welcome advice. Blood clots were the cause. Things are much better with my marriage now that I am back in California. I started antidepressants last week and feel less stress already. I have an appointment with cardiologist on the 21st, and I am curious about the link between acid reflux meds and strokes. I've taken omeprizol for nearly 20 years. Saw a news report this morning linking the meds to stroke risks.
  3. Thank you. We have been seeing a marriage therapist for nearly a year. I'm not a saint. Dropping everything and moving to California with only what I could jamb into 2 suitcases, I have struggled to adjust living in an area with millions of people and freeways that are parking lots. Her father died in August 2015, leaving us his home. I quit my job to relocate as she had reconciled with her dad just 6 month's previous to his death. They had never been as close as they were his last 6 months, so losing him was traumatic for us all. However, I have a daughter in Iowa, a younger brother and dozens of friends and relatives. Our "dream" was to keep my home in Iowa, living here during the summer, and finding a home in California, living there during the winter. We have that, but she can't split time because she has a minor son who just started high school, and his father would fight to prevent him from moving. She has issues, and I do wonder if she is handling this the best she can. I haven't been there emotionally since I moved last August, leaving her feeling abandoned, but part of my struggle to adjust is feeling like I'm held hostage as she reads my texts between my daughter and I and when I talk about visiting Iowa, she shuts down, fearing I'm going to abandon her. But I digress, right now I'm struggling to feel normal and and not panic when I go grocery shopping. I'm very blessed in that I suffered no temporary or long term physical disabilities from my strokes. All symptoms were gone within an hour, so on the outside I appear normal, but inside I'm falling apart. When I attempt to explain how hard it is to do more than sit in a chair (I do try to get in a 10 to 20 mile bike ride every day) she has said "everything isn't about you". I've become insecure about her love, she has become either secretive or is just punishing me and not sharing her feelings other than anger. So I become more anxious and insecure. I'll be booking a flight back tomorrow, but am conflicted about going after being advised to stay by two on my medical team. My wife and I have healed a lot of pain the past 2 days, but as I write this, she has texted me maybe 4 times today, and is done with her schedule for the day. I'm hurt she hasn't called to tell share what occurred during her sessions, and I can see she has sent over 100 texts to someone else. Time was, she couldn't wait to talk to me. We are going on just 4 years of marriage. So, there may be some improvement in our relationship, but my brain is still troubling me, compounding my anxiety and insecurity about her love and beyond that, her faithfulness. I don't even know the name of the hotel she is staying in.
  4. I had my first stroke in April 2016 in my home in Arcadia Ca. I tried to downplay what was happening as the symptoms were not sever. None the less, my wife called 911. I spent the night in the hospital and was told the following day that I indeed suffered a stroke. However minor, it was still a stroke. No permanent or temporary physical impairments. Just your run of the mill brain injury. I had a flight scheduled to return to Iowa, where I still own a home and my daughter lives, the following week. Dr said not a problem, so I scheduled appointments with a cardiologist in Iowa during my visit. He told me I actually had 2 strokes. I am physically fit, I work out, am not over weight, do not smoke or drink, my BP is consistently 120/70 but they found my "bad" cholesterol was 126 so they prescribed Lipitor. After a few weeks, I was barely able to get up out of a chair due to the affects of the drug. They prescribed a different statin drug, but I had the same side affects. My primary care physician prescribed a different type of drug but I didn't take it, choosing instead to increase my workouts and adjust my diet. In June my cholesterol was down to 75. Fast forward to September. I had planned a 2 week visit to celebrate my daughter's birthday and perform some seasonal maintenance around the yard and house in Iowa. A week after arriving, my older brother passed away at the age of 61. My wife flew to Iowa for the services, which were on the day I was scheduled to return to Calif. so they canceled my ticket. In addition, I was scheduled for a series of tests on my heart the same day so those were rescheduled to Oct. 5th. My wife returned to California on Sept 23rd, reassuring me that Oct 5th was barely 2 weeks away, not a long period of time. Oct 5th, did a stress test, echo cardiogram on my heart and carotid arteries, including the "bubble" tests. They then had me wear an external heart monitor for 48 hours. Monitor ran it's course, shutting down at 12:38pm on Oct 7. At approximately 9:15 on Oct 7th, I suffered another, more severe stroke. This time my left arm was paralyzed and I was unable to speak clearly. Mind you, I was still in Iowa. I called my daughter who in turn called 911. By the time the EMT's arrived, I had regained use of my arm and full speech capabilities. I called my wife in route to the hospital. The performed the routine scans upon admittance, finding no obvious damage, but admitted me to the hospital. The following day they did more tests, including an MRI. They decided to keep me over night, waiting for results from the tests I had completed on the 5th. Sunday morning, I was told by a neurologist that the MRI showed no differences from the MRI performed in April and they were going to discharge me. An hour later, the hospitalist Dr came in with the results of the MRI, signed by the neurologist, and told me I indeed had a stroke, affecting 3 different areas of my brain. I informed my wife and she began to book a flight to Iowa, but I told her to wait as they did not have results from the heart tests yet. The following day, they had the results and it showed my heart functioned great, so they decided to pun a scope down my esophagus to check the back of my heart. This was performed the following day and they said I had a hole in my heart that is relatively "normal" in that 20% of the population have the same thing, but have no problems. The next day they placed a loop recorder in my chest and discharged me. During the time in the hospital my wife started to become very angry and hostile towards me. She was venting built up hostility from feelings of abandonment due to my bi-monthly visits to Iowa. Since being released from the hospital, I have suffered great anxiety and depression and my emotions are all over the board. My wife has become more angry and hostile towards me and doesn't care to hear about what I'm going through. I wanted to return to California, but can't do so until I receive my pension on the 1st of November. I beg my wife to read about the affects a stroke can have on a persons emotions and the mental damage that can occur, but I don't think she has. Her responses are "you never ask how I am, or what my day was like" which is not true. I do, and she'll respond with "ok". She went to a weekend seminar called "Take Back Your Life" last week, telling me once she was there. I asked her what she needs to restore our marriage and she said "you here with me and marriage counseling". Not a problem! She has the money to purchase a flight for me, but has said in the past she feels used because she believes I take advantage of the money her father left her. We have 4 accounts, 2 bank and 2 investment accounts with both our names on them. I have access to only the account my pension is deposited into, she controls the other 3, which I have no problem with because it is money her dad left her. I finally humbled myself and told her I could return home as soon as this weekend but she would have to purchase the flight. She didn't respond. She has another "retreat" she is attending tomorrow and Monday but refuses to discuss the issues she will be addressing. I respect her wanting the confidentiality, but requested she answer a single simple question; does any of it have anything to do with me? She freaked out because she thought I was going to ask invasive questions, and we went back and forth until I finally asked her after she abruptly ended the conversation with "have a nice evening". She responded a bit later telling me it had nothing to do with me. Long story short, I feel like she does not care about what I am going through and has shut me out. I feel abandoned by the person who is supposed to support me as I support her and carry each others burdens. She acts like I chose to have my brother die and to have another stroke. I've been told by my primary care physician to remain in Iowa for 90 days, after which they will close the hole in my heart, and the case manager nurse has advised the same. I have follow up appointments scheduled in California and had planned on returning, but now I'm not so sure. She has not told me she loves me, other than in response to me telling her, or me asking her if she does, since April. Anyone else feel abandoned after a stroke? To me, it feels cruel. I love her, am in love with her, but her rejection and abandonment has added to my depression and anxiety. I doubt she will see this or even read it because as far as I know, she has yet to seek care giver resources online, even though I sent her a link to this sight when I joined after the strokes in April. So if she does read it, she will be angry, but it will show me she does care and is doing research.
  5. Happy Birthday Crusader8!

  6. Welcome to the forums Crusader8 :)