Punch1021

Stroke Survivor - female
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    73
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About Punch1021

  • Birthday 10/21/1979

Shared Information

  • Stroke Anniversary (first stroke)
    08-30-2014
  • Stroke Anniversary (second stroke)
    10-11-2014
  • Interests
    My animals, movies, music, and the next big best laugh!
  • How did you find us?
    Google Search

Registration Information

  • First Name
    Robin
  • State
    DC

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Punch1021's Achievements

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  1. The last time I blogged it had been awhile. I said I would blog/write more, but that never happened. Now that it seems my world is crashing, I am writing a blog. Today marks the one year of my brother's death. It is still hard to come to terms that he is gone. To help cope with his loss, I sought out another therapist. I had joined a meet up group after my second break up with my ex so life was going in the direction I wanted. Then yesterday I get hit with my job duties being changed at work. I am going from a manager to a coordinator. Same pay, but no more management duties. Another co-worker will take over my position at the lower level and I will take over hers. One of the owners where we work will take over the management duties. You're an owner, you already have leadership duties right? Right... The young lady I supervise was told today. Our boss said she is her supervisor now. She was just as confused as to why they made this type of change. When I talked to my boss about this I told her that I feel like this is a demotion. She said it wasn't. She felt my strengths were better at my co-workers job and she would do well with mine(with her help). However, my coworker cannot handle her current position. She also doesn't know how to talk to people. Her position requires that she talks to people. I will now have to make sure I keep the people that she talks to. I was also told to help keep others positive about this change. This whole thing has me so sick. I almost broke down at work today thinking about this change and how it's also the day my brother left this earth. Tomorrow I am seeing both of my therapist. It will be interesting to see what they say about this. Especially, the one who said I was projecting too much on what my coworkers would do. Before this change, I was having a good year. I finally traveled internationally. In April I went to Egypt. It was the best time of my life. I will go again hopefully next year. I have been going out, trying to be social. Trying to get my life together. Then this happened. Now is the question of what do I do next. I emailed all the owners of the company about how I felt. Just waiting to see if one of them will write back. If not, I will try to stay on as long as I can, but I see myself resigning. I can't sit here and pretend to like someone who didn't respect the people who worked for me. I can't be positive for owners who want me to go along with this and convince others to be the same as well. Sometime I think they want this to happen. They tell me I am valuable, but their actions tell me I am not. I know this issue will pass, but it was nice not having such issues. I hope they will answer my email and if I need to leave, I hope I can find another job quickly. Our general manager was fired last year and she is still unemployed. I don't want to go down that unemployment road again so soon.
  2. Punch1021

    Hello 2017

    Thanks everyone. It's good to see you all again. You have been very encouraging to me in this wonderful journey we call life.
  3. Punch1021

    Hello 2017

    Hello all, It has been some time since I have done anything here. I told myself that I just need to post and stop thinking about it. I am happy to see another year. Holiday time was hard with my brother gone but I look forward to healing more this year. I have tried to keep myself busy so I just won't get bored and dwell on his death. I don't want to get into another seasonal depression. I want and choose to be happy. His death still hurts but I am still making peace with it. If all goes well I will finally get to go overseas in April. In fact this year should be a nice travel year for me. I like being to be go out and seeing different things,places. It helps me to cope with life. I also am on a plan to cut some of my doctors down and not add another once one has been cut. I see so many specialist like everyone else. I am young, but they are hard to keep to up with. I'm also tired of telling my story. I feel like writing it down and say here, this is my story and little about everything you need to do. I'm also looking forward to Spring. It hasn't snowed here thank goodness, but it's cold. I hate the cold because the CPS really starts acting up on my left side. I hope everyone is well and hopefully I will not be a stranger again. This place has helped me a lot the past to two yeas after my strokes.
  4. Happy Anniversary Punch1021!

  5. Happy Birthday Punch1021!

  6. It's been some time since I have posted. I kept telling myself to do so because it's therapeutic to write what's going on. I can't bring myself to write in my diary so why not blog here. The past few months have been a blur and now I am settling back into my new normal. Whatever that may be. Nothing feels the same any more. Everything seems so different and at times I feel out of place. Before my brother passed away I knew I had to have surgery, but I couldn't set a date. I needed someone to take care of me and I needed to raise my iron levels. I told my mom about the surgery and she came and stayed with me for a week. If I ever have surgery again she will stay for two or more. I enjoyed our time together even though her driving scared me to death. Besides healing from surgery, I am trying to heal emotionally. I started seeing a therapist before my brother passed, but I don't feel a connection with this therapist. I might try to see her one more time to see if it will go anywhere or I just need to start finding someone else. My primary doctor finally decided to pay attention to me and referred em to a new neurologist. He also specializes in sleep study. I won't be able to see him until Oct, but I am happy I will see someone who isn't hard to get a hold of. I keep thinking about going back home. I just feel so much heartache here. I always look out thinking I will see my boy walking to school. I think about him every day. Very hard to put him in a place far away so I cannot think about him. I also think about my brother a lot and I am seeking him as well. I know he is dead, but sometimes something happens where the person who has passed let's you know they are there. I haven't had that happen yet with him. I know I need to stop looking for things that will not come, but it's hard. So very hard. This process is hard and sometimes I feel people are not sensitive to that. It's like it's happened so you need to move on. You look "strong" so you should always be "strong". I am strong but I need someone to hold me and say it will be ok and I will need for them to keep on telling me. I don't have that person right now. I just have myself and it makes me feel lonely. I know things will get better, and it will be ok. It's just getting through it without falling apart.
  7. The month of June has been a blur for me. Tomorrow will make two weeks since my brother's funeral. I am still in disbelief he is gone. Today I could have used some of his humor. Better yet to be with me and give me some comfort. When my brother was alive I would often think about how life would be if he could have texted me, called or better yet if he still wrote me a letter. But today I had to go to court and go by myself. I had to take my ex to small claims court. I didn't want it to go to that level, but my ex is stubborn. So am I. I had filed the claim almost two weeks before my brother died. I was going to wait, but my brother at that time was getting better. He didn't know what was going on, but it was like he was telling me it's ok. Go ahead and do what you have to do and I did. I had mentioned to my therapist about my brother and going to court. She then gave me some legal advise and said I wouldn't win. Also, she said was it worth losing the relationship of my boy by going to court. I was kind of in shock she had said that. But I didn't make that decision about not being able to see him again, my ex did long before I even filed the claim. My ex made it clear that night we had a fight and over some text, I was not going to see him again and it was my fault they are no longer staying there. Today we saw a mediator first to work things out and we did come to an agreement. Even though my ex had lied, I agreed to the settlement. What would be the point in not agreeing and having to go to trial. The agreement was very close to what I originally wanted. I told the mediator that I still wanted to see my boy and could she help with that. She tried but my ex didn't want to talk and just left. I wanted to give my ex my brothers obituary to at least give to my boy, but didn't even look at it. My ex never looked at me while we were in the room. One thing I have learned to do is to sit straight up and look people in the eye no matter the circumstances. My ex (as always) looked worn out and the world (me) is always trying to hurt them. But it's ok. I didn't expect us to be friends or make peace. I have made peace in knowing I will not see the little one again. That I will always be the reason why they were kicked out even though I didn't do it. The mediator was trying to be positive in saying "Maybe when your ex is better off things can get better." However, I know that will not happen. I am glad though this has been settled. I can close this chapter in my life. So now after these big blows and my 2 year stroke anniversary is coming up, I feel kind of out there stating to myself What's Next? What do you have in store for me life? Just when I think I am finding my happy, I get a curve ball and seems like something gets taken away. Why must anything be taken away? I just want all this pain, hurt to go away.
  8. No parent should have to feel this way. My prayers to you and your family.
  9. Thanks everyone, I have been thinking a lot about staying with my parents but I am so unsure. I was getting my life back together in DC but these punches in my life hurt. I also have an upcoming surgery that I still need to schedule. I started seeing a therapist before my brother got sick so I will talk to her to help me. I will go back to DC for a couple of weeks but will return home for family reunion on the 4th of July. My two weeks in DC will either help or make me more confused about what to do.
  10. Last Monday my brother passed away. He is no longer in any pain. I was able to see him the Friday before that. He was on a ventilator and his eyes were covered but I was able to tell him I loved him. My mom told me to call his name and I did. He responded to me. She wanted me to do it over and over again but he only responded once. I had to tell her he is not going to keep responding. I played some of his favorite music and stayed with him when they took him off of the ventilator. My parents had left and it was just us. When the ventilator was taken out he did farely well breathing on his own. He did have oxygen to help him. He opened his eyes a little but they weren't focused on anything. If we were to say keep him alive my brother would have been bed bound. Unable to speak. Unable to do anything. As much as it hurt we let Bobby go. He was moved to a special floor once he was stable. Had he kept on living he would have been sent to a hospice facility but Bobby went home. He truly is a free spirit now. Saturday was his funeral. Some of his classmates could not believe he had died. I still can't believe it. They called him a legend and marveled at how strong he was. My brother played football like my dad. Both have some uncanny strength. No one dared to mess with my brother but he didn't use that to bully or hurt people. He was a gentle giant who had a big heart. Now that the funeral is over its just me and my parents with a ton of food. I will be home with them for a week,then it's back to DC. I really don't want to go back. I feel so alone there. Things haven't felt the same since my ex left with my boy in April. I don't think I will ever see him again. I just want to lay in my room at my parents home. I can't take any more heartache. I felt as if I was making great progress this year. Now I am thinking about what's next.
  11. This past Friday my brother was breathing on his own and off the ventilator. They kept a tube in his throat in case he would need it again . When it seemed he was doing better he started having high temperatures. He has an infection.I talked to my mom about hospice/pallative care for him after I talked to his nurse. I felt so bad suggesting it but it helped when the doctor and case manager spoke to my mom. I didn't want them to talk to her first. My brother is back on the ventilator and I will be going home. I don't want to say I am going home to say goodbye. I am going home to support my parents and my brother. Who knows what will happen or for how long he will stay alive. I just don't want him to be in pain or suffer any more. When I talk to his case manager I can better help my parents in what to do next. I was hoping we could bring him home to South Carolina so other family can see him. But he is too weak. It's been ten years since he had his first stroke. He had suffered so much before he went to a facility. He had a few more TIA's but he is tough. So I won't think of this as a goodbye but letting my brother know it's ok to be free.
  12. CHF is Congestive Heart Failure. My brother's heart isn't failing, it's just not functioning like it should. This condition can cause fluid to build in the lungs as well as around the heart. My brother has diabetes and high blood pressure which could have contributed to this. As of now he his breathing is getting better. They thought he had some internal bleeding, and he had to have 2 pints of blood given to him. But now he is fine. Just taking it one day at a time. Thanks for the prayers. My brother has so many people praying for him it's so amazing and a blessing.
  13. My brother, who had strokes ten years ago, is in the hospital for CHF. Poor thing has fluid around his heart and lungs. He is now on a ventilator. His kidney's are also failing him. Our parents went to see him on Monday after getting a call from the hospital. My mom told me not to worry or come down because my brother has nine lives. My brother has been very close to death before but has survived. I can't help but to wonder how much his body can handle but I know we are a family full of fighter's. I also wonder about myself and having the same issues as he does. I just have to remind myself I am not my brother and I am much better off after my strokes. It's really hard not to be there with my family but my parents have things under control. My mom has become a lot stronger during these situations. Now she has to keep me calm and not drive like a bat out of hell to get to SC. But I know prayer works. I prayed for God to help my brother and to help us all no matter what happens in this situation.
  14. It's May and I am still cold. Something about this month where the weather goes backwards here. One year I remember we had to beg for the heat to be turned back on in our building because it was so cold. I am still wearing a sweater and my winter coat. I know it's not me and my health issues because other people are doing the same. I cannot wait for Summer. I was hot one day and I loved it. Just hope the warmer weather stays a little bit longer this year. I feel like I have been in a jacket or sweater forever. We are also getting a lot of rain here. May is going to have a record number of days where we will have measurable rain. We are on day 15 I think. I am still trying to figure out my surgery date. Some time after that I need to do a sleep apnea test. Urgg. I need a vacation from anything medical. Some days I just want to let go and say I am done with all these pills, appointment and tests. My iron levels didn't raise up like my doctor had hoped. My INR was 4.7 a few weeks ago so that might have been a factor in why my iron levels didn't go up. My INR is 2.4 now. I get my blood tested again in two weeks and I hope it is still at 2.4. I can't wait until I don't have to be on a blood thinner and baby aspirin any more. My little one is no longer living with me. He and my ex are now gone. I feel bad saying this, but my life has been a little bit better(mentally) with them gone. Just my ex's dad is left. I'm not sure how long he will stay but I told him we will see how it goes month to month. He still stares at me but he is now in the other bedroom so I don't see him as much. He does help keep my place clean. My ex didn't talk to him about them living together. Dad was just abandoned. Yet, last year when they were evicted there was such a concern about where Dad is going to sleep. There is no concern about that now. From what my ex's dad told me, my ex is staying with a friend and other people who smoke and it's not cigarettes. Said they didn't know they smoked. Also heard that my ex smoked with them because they were being pressured. This hurts me because if it is true, I can't do anything to take my little one out of the situation since I am not blood related. I know I was a positive influence at one point with him, but trying to get myself healthy and trying to help was too much. It's sad that he wasn't even the issue. My ex just wants everything to be about them-self. When things don't go their way the whole world comes crashing down. I have prayed and will continue to pray for him that everything will be ok. I pray that he will see I only did things to help him to grow. Despite everything, I try to stay positive. I have never been too much of a negative person. I only seem that way when I write my feelings down, but that's how I get things out. In person I always laugh and joke around. I want to continue to walk in peace even while the storm is raging around me. I'm just trying to better my life and keep on moving forward in the right direction. I know everything happens for a reason. One closed door means another one will open. God will restore everything that has been taken away from me and make me whole.
  15. Happy to hear things are going well for you. I'm hoping my date life will get a good jolt this summer. My mom wants to have grandkids.