Guest Pjoy Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 Hi to all, As some of you know I lost my husband to a 2nd stroke on June 5th. I know the grieving process is long and hard and different for everyone...Helen Kuebler Ross...I studied in nursing school. I am vascilating between disbelief and grief. I want to cry and scream....I want to tear something up, but I can't. I don't know if it's the nurse in me "controling" my emotions or what. I miss him terribly but I can't seem to cry...what is wrong with me? I need some feedback, please!! This is the first major death in my lifetime other than grandparents...I even grieved for other families of patients I took care of over the years, WHY can't I grieve now. I feel like a robot ....anyone who has been there...I need your help!! pJoy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merichsen Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 Pjoy, The only major loss I endured was my father. He died of cancer and i knew it was coming so I was somewhat prepared for it. The only unexpected hit I ever took was the stroke. I know it's not the same, but when you said you couldn't cry and didn't understand why that really struck a bell. i was devastated at having lost my career over night, etc. and knew i was deeply sad and depressed. I felt like I was crying inside all of the time but it just wouldn't come out and I couldn't understand why. I wanted to cry so badly for the release but the tears just wouldn't flow. I still don't understand it. I am so sorry for the pain you are in and wish I could do or say something to make it better. Please know that I and all of your friends here think of you often and will continue to be here for you now through this difficult time and as long as you need us. Maria :friends: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fking Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 Just remember we are here for you, hope you continue to conversate here as you find the time we care about all our members and remain your friends. :console: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fking Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 Pjoy, I just discovered you posted this topic twice. Someone will put all comments together I think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mekelly Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 I think that sometimes profound grief takes time to hit you. First, you are shocked and then taking care of things, and then you just feel numb. When my Dad died my mother barely cried for the first few months. She had been taking care of my dad who was ill with cancer for several months- and had locked down her emotions so that she could cope. When he passed away- they were still locked down. When we asked her about crying- she said no- that if she started she did not think that she would ever stop. She was angry and sad but not grief stricken in the sense that we would have expected. It really took about two months for the grief to break through the control. Then she cried at everything. I remember sitting next to her at a concert about two months after he passed and they were playing "I'll remember you at all of the old familiar places", and looking over seeing her crying silently. We ended up having to leave, and I just sat with my arms around her in the parking lot while she sobbed. If you have been the person who had to take care of everything, who did not have time for the sad, afraid, I'm so alone emotions and just stuffed them down, it may take some time for them to bubble back up. I'm not sure that there is anything that you can do -- although I find that music does push my grief buttons faster then anything else. You are my sunshine ( my fathers song for me) or I hope you'll dance by Trisha Yeadwood and I'm sobbing for 20 minutes. After my Mom's stroke I couldn't listen to the radio for fear I would hear Allison Krause (Ghost in this House). If you really want to try to break through a glass of wine, a dark room and the slow romantic songs you danced to when you were first in love would likely do it. But if it does not- give yourself a break-- sometimes you spend so long holding tight to control, that it can be difficult to let go. It will happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arogers Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 Dear PJoy, Thank you so much for sharing your situation with us. It reminds me that we are all mortal and at some point we will all travel the road you are now maneuvering. Since I am always considered to be the strong one I have assumed that role. I probably appear rather emotionless many times. I have a feeling that when I lose my husband I will need to go to grief counseling. I know I will need to let go, however I have lived in this role for so long that I doubt I will even know how to begin to grieve. I guess if I could suggest anything it would be grief counseling. When my mom died I received a real nice letter from the funeral home announcing some classes they were holding. Of course, my life was too busy with Bill to even consider the classes at that time. Please keep in touch. Maybe it's a matter of giving ourselves permission to acknowledge our hurt and our humanity. Warmly, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kanderson Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 priscilla, i agree with the others n that grief counseling might be needed, buy i also think it will come probably when you least want it to. music always gets to me. we all have our memories with a particular song in our past. getting drunk might help too. hang in there and we all are thinking of you through this terrible time. how is your son handling it? has he cried for the loss of his dad yet. i lost my mother 3years ago totally unexpected and i still haven't stopped crying for her. we were very close. i will keep praying for you that you find the release you need. god bless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lliu Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 pjoy, again, my deepest condolences go out to you and your son for the loss of seth. everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. each individual needs to go thru their own grief process so whatever is right or necessary for you will be different for someone else. the grief of a widow with young children will be different from that of a childless widow, or an elderly widow. a woman with young children must cope with her child's confusion and grief as well as her own, and that comes on top of the stress of suddenly becoming a single parent. you might benefit from discussing your feelings with a medical professional or joining a bereavement support group. please take care of your son and yourself as you deal with a most difficult time and always know that we are here for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bstockman Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 Hi Priscilla, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I was a widow at age 30..... my husband had been ill for sometime and on dialysis. (whick I ran at home 3 times a week) he developed complictions. I remember going thru many stages. We had a 12 year old. I felt angry. angry that he didnt fight harder. that I was alone raising a teen, I felt abandoned.. I think I felt relief that he didn't have to suffer, so manyemotions.. I was lost, my routine was gone. I think we kind of go thru a "numb" period.. and take in as much as we can.. we have all the arrangements, phone calls, people etc. Grief, loss is overwhelming and sometimes we can't take it all at once. As others have said it might be good to find some "Grief support" group or some others to talk to. It takes time, you had a routine of care and now everything is changed, it takes time to adjust As others have sid you are being strong, taking care of things.. some little thing, a smell of his cologne, a song.. something will trigger ..... when you least expect it. Take care of yourself... sneding warm hugs, Bonnie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2ndChance Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Joy - you are grieving in your own way. Ignore outside standards. Listen only to your own heart/soul. Kuebler-Ross did not base her 5 stages of grief on any research whatsoever. It was just her theory that people who moved through her 5 stages of grief in any order would achieve relief. Research has never supported her theory and she never attempted to prove her theory herself. Apparently she was trying to tie her 5 stages of grief into her belief in transcendental meditation and out-of-body experiences. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadow55038 Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Pjoy: I am so sorry for your loss. Please give yourself a break. Everyone grieves in her/his own way. We become so conditioned to be strong, suck it up and put on a good face for others. The truth is that only you know how you feel at any given time. And, just because you aren't sobbing uncontrollably doesn't mean you don't hurt or grieve. I lost my dad the day after Christmas, and I couldn't cry. It didn't mean I didn't love him, miss him or grieve for him. Then, about a week later, I went back to work and cried at my desk in my office. It happened in its own time. Allow yourself to grieve the way you want and need to grieve. . .and do not worry (like 2nd Chance said in the previous post) that you are not following someone else's protocol for grieving. My best to you in this difficult time, Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jetjaguar72 Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 Priscilla, I am so saddened to hear of your loss. I wish I had words o make you feel better, but all I can offer is the same support everyone here feels for you. Please, don't be hard on yourself, this has got to be a very traumatic experience and you are handling it the best way you can at this point. Take care and don't hesitate to post or write. We're all here to help in any way possible.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dbrown Posted June 29, 2008 Share Posted June 29, 2008 pjoy, My condolences to you in your time of grief. I think that your body is trying to recouperate from the shock of everything going on. Your grief will come in time, maybe even with the need of grief counseling. Take your time, do what is write for you, and know we are here for you! Take care Denise Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyBooth Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 I lost my fiance 8 years ago suddenly and unexpectedly. Altho I was with him when he died, I had difficulty believing it. Suddenly he was gone and I could still feel the warmth of his hand in my hand, still hear the sound of his voice in my head... My feelings ranged from disbelief to grief to anger to a belief he was coming back. At work I felt like a zombie just going thru the motions. There's no right way or wrong way to grieve. It's a process and it takes its own time. I felt for a long time that I was in the Valley of the Shadow of Death. I was between the world of the living and the world of the deceased. I joined a grief support group and that was a big help in dealing with my anger. I'm so sorry for your loss, pjoy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myhome Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 Hi to all, As some of you know I lost my husband to a 2nd stroke on June 5th. I know the grieving process is long and hard and different for everyone...Helen Kuebler Ross...I studied in nursing school. I am vascilating between disbelief and grief. I want to cry and scream....I want to tear something up, but I can't. I don't know if it's the nurse in me "controling" my emotions or what. I miss him terribly but I can't seem to cry...what is wrong with me? I need some feedback, please!! This is the first major death in my lifetime other than grandparents...I even grieved for other families of patients I took care of over the years, WHY can't I grieve now. I feel like a robot ....anyone who has been there...I need your help!! pJoy My aunt a nurse of thirty years went through the same thing as you when my uncle passed on. She couldn't even cry at the grave, so I understand what you are going through. She told me me one day years later, that it had to be the training as a nurse to always seem detached and proffessional, and to able to look after the job at hand. I'm so sorry for your loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Pjoy Posted July 6, 2008 Share Posted July 6, 2008 Thank You All for the warm responses to my post. The "flood Gates" still haven't opened but after reading all of your posts, I don't feel so abnormal. I find myself waking up at 1:30 AM many nights, which is the time he died. I'll also dream that he is callinig me and wake myself up answering him that "I'll be right there". We were so connected, I'm not really surprised. Day by day things are getting a little better and my son is an enormous help. Thanks again to you all, you really are God's best people. May God Bless each of you now and always! pJoy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merichsen Posted July 6, 2008 Share Posted July 6, 2008 Priscilla, I'm glad you feel better ~ let me rephrase that ~ I'm glad you feel relieved which is better than having it all pent up inside and wondering. I am so sorry you are hurting and have your son which I'm sure is a great comfort. We are here for all the hugs you need and will always be your friends. Maria :friends: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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