But I'm still sensitive to lights and sounds. I have chronic migraines that medication won't fix. I get tired easily, but I also can't sleep at night, and my migraines get worse the less I sleep. I have partial seizures and my doctors haven't found the right combination of meds yet. What's worse is that right now, they're telling me I'll have to wait a bit and see how things go.
I try to do what all my friends do. I stay up late and hang out and sometimes it feels okay. But other times, I go to sleep too late and wake up the next morning with a migraine that keeps me in bed all day. I have tremors sometimes and body ticks. I try to keep up with my school work but sometimes it's too much, and I feel like I'm not trying hard enough or I'm letting people down. I have trouble reading and concentrating sometimes and it's hard being an English major. I don't have the energy to run a lot, even though I used to run 35-40 miles a week. It's hard having difficulty doing something I used to love.
Sometimes, I don't feel like myself. I don't recognize my past life or sometimes I don't recognize myself when I look in a mirror. I don't always recognize people that I know. I barely talk about this because it makes me feel like I'm crazy. But it's like I'm always having an out of body experience, and it's hard to engage in the world when I feel like that.
At first I had a blog about what happened to me because everyone wanted to know how I was doing. I made it funny so people wouldn't worry. Even when people ask me about it now, I make jokes because laughing about it is easier than telling the truth, and I figure that talking about it a bit will keep people from asking more.
I see a therapist, but for some reason, I'm scared to talk to her about certain things. She says I have trouble opening up to people and now I hide even more because I have all of this new baggage. My family tries to be there but they don't understand and often times they stress me out more than help me.
I'm talking about my issues less and less. Everything I suffer through no, no one else can see it, which makes it easier to hide. But it's also incredibly frustrating because no one can tell that it's actually really hard for me just to do simply, daily things.
There are no support groups in my area. I wish I had someone to talk to who could kind of understand what it feels like. I'm scared to think that my doctors can't figure out how to help me with the migraines and the seizures and my issues with familiarity. I don't talk about my worries with my family or my friends or my therapist. I try writing about it but it isn't enough. I wish I had another person nearby that knew how to help me.