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About this blog

sandy's(goddessmd)riffs on existence and other stuff

Entries in this blog

i'm too physicaly sick to be a caregiver to anyone

i decided that my last major "flare" (exacerbation) of lupus started last August, when the car broke down because of the damage from the car crash, John was back to work for several months and basically going to work, coming home, creating havoc, and going to sleep because of his brain injury, his lawyer and no-fault were pressuring me to do all of this documentation because they weren't doing it and John "couldn't" do it, and i was taking John to what felt like a million appointment, often pick
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12

cats and ebay are better than men

i was woken up at approximately 4:445 am by my cellphone going off against my chest. my plan had worked-the five minutes to go on ebay alarm on my cellphone for that coach pink grapefruit coin purse that i coveted and that was no longer manufactured by coach (introduced last month, limited run, sold out, and apple and lemon just wouldn't do)went off as planned, allowing me to bid one last time on my cellphone (i have an internet connection and an ebay program on my pink razr cellphone,) and the
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6

surviving toxic mothering

so how did i survive both poverty(i was raised in a housing project) and a toxic, envy- and jealousy-ridden mother in childhood to become the person that i am today, with a reasonably sane (most of the time) husband, a lot of friends, an extensive education, a profession that i love and make a fair amount of money doing, four intelligent, interactive cats, a co-op in one of the most expensive and interesting neighborhoods in the USA (true, i bought it over 16 years ago, but how and why i bought
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9

envy

envy is a toxic, lethal emotion. it is often mistaken for jealousy, but envy is not that. jealousy is a triangular relationship in which two people compete over a third person. envy is a dyadic relationship, between two people, where the other either wants want you have, or, if they cannot get it, wants to destroy it, and sometimes you as well.   i was thinking of my mom today, and of all the vitriol that she spewed out before she physically attacked me because i called my dad's case mana
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4

single living

i have been thinking of this comment (in a general sense, not specific to its author) for several days.   i have been married twice, and am married currently. my husband John, who i love and adore most days, has a TBI, and needs a certain level of caretaking.   if something happened to this marriage (death, divorce, homicide,) would i want to get married again?   as if by magic (such things just seem to happen to me lately-just ask Jean,) the latest copy of the AARP Magazine came in th
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20

empathy, part two

john is getting less and less depressed. the less depressed he is, the more that his "normal" personality returns. he still has most of the sequelae of a TBI, but his empathy is returning.   so i'm wondering.....how much of a lack of empathy is due to overwhelming depression?   for stroke/TBI/other brain damage survivors, how much of that depression is due to a realization of one's deficits and the impact that these deficits have on one's life?   and if that is the case.....since th
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3

it's spring, so why not be reborn?

the combination of my blog almost melting into page 3, and my good friend Sue inquiring about my absence from these blog pages, has inspired me to blog again. i am almost psyched to take pictures of all of my new CZ jewelry and post them in the Gallery so that Jean can see them; when i receive the last of these baubles, i just might do that.   as i posted on the board, i just returned from a conference called "Neuroscience Meets Rcovery" in Las Vegas this morning. It was a three-day conferen
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6

i'm SOOOOOOOOOOO bored

a have read a lot of posts/blogs about the caregiver being challenged by their caregivee's anger, pain, depression, etc. however, i haven't read much about caregivers being bored, which is what i'm feeling right now.   it is so d**m boring being around John. when he is not manic, he goes to work, eats, watches TV, plays around on the computer a little, and goes to sleep. on the weekends it's the same thing, with cleaning thrown in. he can go out to eat with me and not say a word, preoccupi
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5

that was the week that was

from a computer keyboard in Brooklyn, NY, currently in Fiji, welcome to another edition of THAT WAS THE WEEK THAT WAS   the temperature this week was a 29 inch blizzard, than 60 degrees, then 9 degrees with the wind chill, now a comfortable 35 degrees and climbing with a mild wind.   the newsworthy events for this week are: 1. my dad was 85 last Saturday. he sand "Happy Birthday (to me, of course) with us (the whole song) and hen blew out one of his two candles. he was upset with the "o
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thyroid blues

what am i doing up at this ungodly hour?   let me backtrack. a week ago sunday, i was talking to my weekend doorman, Lou, about what happened to him the week before, when he was out sick. he told me that he was both diabetic and hypothyroid and had run into problems with both illnesses; his blood glucose was in the 300's and he had to increase his thyroid replacement to 250 mcg/day (he's in his late 20's; and i thought i had health issues.)   being hypothyroid myself, that got me to t
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2

snowflakes and the First Tradition

my Al-Anon home group had a First Tradition meeting today. for those who are not familiar with 12-step programs, the First Tradition of Al-Anon is "Our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends on unity."   the whole concept of 12-step recovery is that you work your recovery with the group and not by yourself. you cannot recover without hearing the experience, strength, and hope of other members, and sharing your story, and getting feedback from othe
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4

turn and face the strange....ch.ch.ch.changes

friday is John's last day at work for at least six months, probably until 10/1/06, and quite possibly forever at his current job as a longshoreman. on February 6, he is starting a Phase II Cognitive Rehabilitation Program at Mount Sinai Medical Center in NYC. ( Mount Sinai's TBI Program ), one of the TBIMS Centers in the USA . John is also part of a research study which involves him having neuropsych testing before, at various points, and after his rehab has ended. His program will last at l
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3

the whitewash factor

this quote of one of Jean's responses to my last blog really does deserve its own blog. hence, i am starting this blog with that quote. if we ever get into divviing up royalties, i promise that i will give Jean half of my royalties from this blog. no lie. i'll even will it to her estate.   Jean, may i respectfully say that even though you say many wise and true things, and that all of the things that you say are said with a lot of thought behind them, this quote is the most....er...tunafish
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6

the inertia factor

on monday i went with job to his rehab doctor. john is in the process of being placed in a 'phase 2' 6 month day treatment program at Mount Sinai Medical Center for cognitive rhab of his TBI. John has gained weight, sleeps a lot, is depressed, is extremely apathetic, and is in denial of all of the above. his rhab doctor said that apathy and inertia are sequelae (aftereffects)of brain injuries and that it when John is in the routine of being in a therapeutic environment he would be last apathetic
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4

Know Yourself?

KNOW YOURSELF   some force in the universe is trying to prevent me from writing this blog. the first time, i was finished, pressed 'post new entry', simultaneously got a pm, and lost the blog. the second and third time, i pressed 'show all' clickable smilies and got booted off strokenet. i'll stick to the smilies that i can see.   now, i have to edit this blog because i have too many emotions. will this never end? 1. What do you want? lots and lots of money so that i can do
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2

another note from our sponsors....

since i am once again extremely busy and somewhat overwhelmed with my life, i just want to list the things that have happened since i was last on the board on Saturday: 1) my wedding anniversary came and went on 12/10. i am married for three years. in a few months i will have been married to John for more of the time with a TBI than without. this isn't fair! anyway, we had a good anniversary. we went out to eat, and bought 3 new pc games for a mere $20; 2) i discovered that John misloade
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2

HAPPY FESTIVUS!!

well, christmas season is upon us, even though it's going to be over 50 degrees again in globally-warmed Brooklyn, NY   being born and raised Jewish, for me, Christmas is the day when you get off from work, go to a movie, and eat Chinese food. it has no emotional significance for me. however, it might bring up a lot of negative feelings for others.   so.....   if you're not into christmas, why not celebrate festivus, for the rest of us?   we can plan a virtual festimus party.  
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6

A MESSAGE FROM OUR SPONSORS

to all my friends on Strokenet   i have not been avoiding you. i have been extremely busy at work, at home, and drove 3 hours total to see John's family on Turkey Day (see turkeys on turkey day, i guess.)   I'LL BE BACK...  
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3

better living through chemistry

all this talk about happiness on this website......   when i went to the Mind and Life Conference last week, there was one psychologist who made the observation that, from several studies that he spoke about, there vseems to be a happiness 'set point' that is different in every person that is not really changed by common experiences. one is generally happy or unhappy to a greater or lesser extent, and that degree (positive or negative) of happiness is 'set at a fairly fixed point. he went o
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4

i'm a little coffeepot, clean me out.......

what am i doing up so late again? it's 12:53am! i was supposed to go to sleep early; i got a flu shot yesterday, and i'm feeling a little bit under the weather.   here's the story, sad but true.   i went outside at approx. 11:40pm yesterday to move my car.i got home yesterday at about 4:00pm. i parked right outside my building and my tail was just a wee bit over the curb. since the car in front had NJ plates, i figured that he would move eventually and that i would move up to his spot. i
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6

resistence is futile-YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED

it is now 2:16 am. do you know what time it is? or rather, why am i up so late when i have to work tomorrow?   the story is as follows.....   i had two reports for Court that i had to write and fax over to the various participants before Monday at 8am. i had finished the first one yesterday morning. the second one, which was a tad more complicated, i had to have ferment in my preconscious mind until i returned home at 10pm. after i returned, and after i joined the One Spirit Book Club o
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