Robyn's Blog

A blog by Robyn in General

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About this blog

How her stroke has affected our relationship...

Entries in this blog

Day 28...Staying in the Middle...

From Pema Chodron, Comfortable with Uncertainty:   Openness doesn't come from resisting our fears but from getting to know them well. We can't cultivate fearlessnes without compassionate inquiry into the workings of ego. So we ask ourselves, "What happens when I feel I can't handle what's going on? What are the stories I tell myself? What repels me and what attracts me? Where do I look for strength and in what do I place my trust?"   The first thing that takes place in meditation is t
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Day 26...I'm cooked...I'm done...

I am waving the white flag...if she wants it over, I'm done. It's not fair...it's not what she said she wanted when she was at the rehab hospital but obviously what I thought was going on was not what was going on. I am confused and I don't understand...I've tried. I can understand a difference BEFORE a stroke and then AFTER. But this is all AFTER... One day its "I want to be closer to you and I love you" and then it's "I can't deal...I want space". I can understand if it was just a matter
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Day 25...Am I approaching acceptance?

First, I want to say...I'm not giving up hope yet...not yet. Really...! But I wrote about this in some of my early journaling that is not on-line...how does one make themselves ready for the worst case scenario while still maintaining hope and presence? I think I've done that. I believe I am prepared for this to end. Not that I want it or think there's a high probability of it happening right now, but I am prepared. And that's also not to say that I won't be angry and hurt and sad and deva
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Hey Babe!!!

Good evening love...how are you today? Honestly I'm pretty wiped. I have a ton of work to do still and then I need to sleep. I didn't sleep well last night between the kids going to bed late and then getting up in the middle of the night to come visit me.   I just wanted to check in...tell you I love you and that I miss you. I'm not going anywhere... Please please get better!!! I look forward to talking to you soon! I am holding you in my arms and in my heart and in my dreams!!!   I
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Day 24...I'm tired...

I'm not feeling overly "bloggy" today. Mostly tired...mostly drained...doing OK.   Therapy was challenging today...I really confronted the source of my insecurities. No need to get into it here but I'm feeling a little spent from addressing them.   I was also brought back to my initial observations in my first two blogs about what is going on for Jane right now...her relationship demons intersecting with my demons, exacerbated by the stroke. The stroke has made her unable to address he
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Hey Babe!!!

Oy...busy day today...back to Monday teaching and running out the door at 8am. I'm wiped and both kids are still resisting sleep. This after a long day at school where I taught also this evening until 9pm.   How was your day today? I was thinking of you, of course, as always...! I'm always wondering during the day, what is she doing now? What is she thinking? What is she working on? I get my work done believe it or not, but there's this constant hum of you in my mind... I was especial
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Day 23...the best and worst day of my life...

In some ways this day sort of pales in comparison to what I am dealing with now...a partner whom I love who is struggling to heal from a stroke...who is shutting me out. Jane has spent the last few years with me on this day...for support. She knows this is a day that changed my life in so many ways. I'm trying not to think, maybe she'll call...maybe she'll remember...because its really not that important right now, remembering this day relative to her healing. But I'd be lying if I said ther
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Hey Babe!!!

The beginning of another week... So what are you thinking about right now? What is the plan for THIS week? Tomorrow is 9-11...I'm wondering if you will remember how hard that day is for me. You always talk about it with people...tell them of my experience...I wonder if you'll think of me tomorrow...   I had a nice day today. Met a very nice and very interesting woman. She and her son met us at the zoo...the kids got along GREAT! He is a charming kid and Nathalie seems like she will be
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Day 22...Still amazed...

I am continually amazed at the resilience of humans. OK...amazed at my own resilience, too! I mean, heck, this is my blog and my blog is all about me, right? Yesterday, I struggled in the doldrums...holding on to negatives...struggling to push them away. I did, but it was hard. Today, again, almost polar opposite. As I said awhile ago, I really am getting the notion of riding the waves of life. The pleasure and restful nature of the UPS and the struggle and pain of the DOWNS... Yes, I kno
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Hey Babe!!!

How are you? How was your weekend so far? Did you do anything fun?   Kind of a mellow day today. After violin we went bowling at the student union at school...much cheaper than back east. The kids were well behaved and Margaret even beat me, although we did use the bumpers! Sam did OK as well.   I got some work done today for lecture on Monday. I have more to do tomorrow but I'm in good shape for Monday.   Shelly called today...she brought someone over to see my house...the woman
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Day 21...Baby Steps...

Another pretty good day with the kids. Sam hit Margaret at some point this morning but a swift time out and some talking afterwards and that situation was resolved. They played well the rest of the day, other than the typical bickering that happens among siblings. We had Group Violin lessons today and afterwards had lunch and then went bowling at the student union on campus. I'm STUNNED at how cheap it is...$1.25/person for shoes and then $2.00/game...regardless of the number of people. I k
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Hey Babe!!!

Yet another week done...congrats!! How does it feel...are you making progress?   I know the talk was that you'd get your neuro and neuro psych evals while at Spaulding...has that happened yet? Where do they say the deficits are and has that changed your care at all?   Sam had a better day at school today. I think allowing him some time to cry and talk last night helped him.   I am excited...I got invited to moderate a session at a conference in Florida in February dealing with MBA cu
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Day 20...Managing the kids...

Sam had a better day today. We had a firm discussion that despite his unhappiness and desire to go "back to his old school" he had to be nice to his new classmates and he could not hit them or his teachers. I think allowing him to cry and talk about his sadness last night helped him. I'm amazed that even at 4 he was in touch with his feelings and could verbalize them. I guess I've done a pretty good job raising my kids if he can talk about what's bothering him with some clarity.   This af
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Hey Babe!!!

Wow Sam had a tough day today...poor guy...he misses he old school...misses his old teachers and friends...misses his dad...misses our old house...misses you... His life has been turned on its head and he's just 4 trying to deal with it all. He has been lashing out at the new school...hitting his teachers, pushing classmates. The positive reinforcement worked for about a week but he's still struggling. Today was not good. I actually had to stop by school to calm him down for the afternoon.
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Day 19...In the Process...

That's what both my therapist and my coach told me...I am "In the Process"...I am doing ALL I can do right now to cope. It doesn't really get any better than this based on the circumstances. When things are good, I can rest in those moments...when I start to cycle downward, I am better able to recognize this and not let things overwhelm me. I just refocus and recommit to a better attitude...pull myself up by the bootstraps so to speak. I was wondering if there was something else I should be
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Hey Babe!!!

How was your day today...?? I was thinking of you all day! Wondering what you are working on...how you are feeling...how you are coping...? Tomorrow is 7 weeks since your stroke...it feels so long ago yet 7 weeks is really nothing in the big picture... I have so many questions...wishing I knew what was going on...   We had violin lessons tonight...they seemed to go well. Sammy is very enthusiastic and is enjoying it so far. Margaret is dedicated as well. I can't wait for you to hear th
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Day 18...Walk INTO the Fear...

Pema Chodron says to walk INTO the fear, not away from it. Fear is what you experience as you get closer to the truth...a truth sometimes we don't want to know...so we avoid...we run. She said the best way to conquer fears is to simply go towards them...   Honestly, I have always done that...I am mortally afraid of heights, especially bridges, yet I continue to drive over them. I won't let a fear disable me...stop me from living my life. Jane had always observed that in me. She herself i
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Hey Babe!!!

Do you have ANY idea how much I love you???? TONS AND TONS!!! You know that, don't you!!!!   The beginning of yet another week...a short one this week thank goodness. How are you...what are you focusing on this week???   I've been hanging on one major thought the last couple of days...I have COMPLETE and UTTER confidence in our love and our connection. One does not fall out of love overnight, even with a stroke.   That's it...nothing else left to say except I'm here...I love you...I
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Day 17...Keep pushing!

I am finding now that the end of the day is much better/easier than the beginning. Don't know why...I'm CONFUSED...it used to be harder to actually sleep at the end of the day, now it is hard to wake up and get moving. Nausea is still there even though I am eating...I'm trying to gain some control over that with breathing and centering. Note to self: Take Cymbalta AFTER you brush your teeth so you don't spit the pill up...sigh... I guess when I have the day to work on being present it is ea
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Hey Babe!!

Checking in early my dear...I suspect is was quite the exhausting weekend. No doubt Rachel came into town...perhaps Jeremy and maybe Jeff and Frankie. It's a long weekend and you know how family can be overwhelming, especially with your family. I hope you are resting comfortably and that it was a relaxing weekend if nothing else. Maybe you got to the beach!   I was reading through some old letters you sent me. So much of what you said to me back then holds now...how strong we both are...
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Day 16...So Steve Irwin died...

You know...the crocodile hunter! He died in a freak accident...stingray stinger directly to the heart. He always lived life to the fullest every day. He personified "joie de vivre". I think he's a great example of someone that just lived life as it faced him every day. I think to catch crocodiles you have to be very present and very aware and VERY in the moment. You have to love the life you have in front of you at that moment.   So how does this relate to me? Things change so suddenly
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Hey Babe!!

How has your weekend been? Fairly low key here. Today we tried to go swimming but there were too many "misbehaviors" so we left in about 10 minutes. We'll try again tomorrow.   We went to a BBQ at a colleague of David's...lives right around the corner from me. Great guy! Well published...seems like he'd be a good friend as well as a colleague so that was cool. We're going to talk research some time in the near future!   I hope you are relaxing well...maybe eating some lobster! Overa
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Day 15...Wisdom of our parents...

I spent time chatting with my mom today. A few days ago the bird I gave them 12 years ago died...it had been my pet but I was living with someone at the time who was allergic to him so I gave him to my parents. They are profoundly sad...missing the chirping and chatter that had become a part of their lives every day. On top of that, my mom is caring for my great aunt who had an intestinal blockage in March...had been in the hospital for two months, rehab for a month and is now home trying to
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Hey Babe!!!

Running off to bed. I hope you had a great day today. Did anyone come visit? Did you get rain on the Cape because of Ernesto?   We went to a children's museum you would've loved. The kids had a great time. Maybe I'll get to take you there with them some time soon.   I paid bills today...ICK...necessary evil I guess. Tomorrow David asked me to a BBQ with a colleague of his from SLU. It's great having David around...it helps!   Going to read then pass out...trying to get as much sl
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Day 15...two weeks down, two to go...

The title says it all...two down, two to go...I've made it through two weeks!!! :Clap-Hands: They were tough...lots of self exploration but I've made it. I've got more clarity regarding what she is going through and I've got more clarity about my own demons. Rereading the list I created yesterday does help...grounds me in those tough moments. It feels good to be in touch with what I KNOW...not the imaginary...it keeps me stable.   Will there ever come a time when I don't have her in my mi
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