hostpam's Blog

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Survivors secret journey

Entries in this blog

2005's model

OK, after reading Asha's blog and Amy's reply, I think I will write about the ME of today. I wouldn't want the old me back, the pre stroke me. I like the present day model well enough. 2005 model is happy, content, fufilled and at peace and living life as much as I can on my terms. In doing that I have become truer to myself and I am finding that because of that I have less internal struggling going on, I am less stressed, more relaxed and what I do, I enjoy. It seems that life has meaning, and

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A entry about nothing

Well I had dropped to page 2, was halfway down the page. Damn, look at all this mold and cobwebs on my blog. I woke up this morning at 5 a.m., got up, went into chat for a short while, then went back to sleep till 9:30 when the phone woke me up. It was my mother being her negative self. Talk about the worst way to be woke up.... she is it. At times I strongly feel hemmed in cause I need them to drive places, but I can't stand listening to the ignorance and complaining. I have some good wonde

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Busting the budget....

Well I am tired this morning, but no hangover, the 4000 member party was a lot of laughs and fun. But I bought a jukebox for the coffee shop and I blew my entire years budget for chat on it. Got a deal on it on Ebay. So just to let ya'll know, there have to be cut backs, no more little cocktail napkins with your drinks, the buff waiters who haven't an ounce of talent except looks are gone and Starbucks coffee is no longer served. Sorry about these changes but a girls got to do what a girls got

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Things to do

I took yesterday off, told myself I would finish cleaning today. Don't feel like it. It isn't as if the apartment is that big..... just uninspired I guess. Plus" the boys"( Stockings the cat and Petey the Pomeranian) they don't want to hear the vaccume, don't have to tell me twice. I may just take a page out of their book and lay on the sofa and snooze and watch tv. Pam

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Update entry

Well Saturday night I got home from a weeks vacation. The traveling wore me out, I went to bed early. Silly me, the phone woke me at 10:45, it was Danny the old boyfriend. To make a long story short, he needed to talk and he admitted he was hoping we could develope something..... I told him no way would it work and besides I asked him how many times he was willing to let me break his heart in one lifetime? I said isn't twice enough for you? I told him he needed to get out on his own, and exper

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THOUGHTS BROUGHT ABOUT BY A REPLY

On my last blog, EdDurang said "Till death do us part or until somebody better comes along" Bitter and cynical, yes it is. But how true. In the realm of being single and almost divorced, I can relate to that. Somebody new. Hmmmmm, I need to examine whats so special about someone new. Having someone new opens one up to a whole new experience. A chance to learn new things. An opportunity to adopt a whole new outlook on how to deal with daily life. The downside to someone new, is of course the

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Today's rant

Lookit, if you aren't into reading a rant and rave from a PMSing survivor, then don't read any further.   I just read Jean's blog again regarding the woman she ran into that was looking for justification in divorcing her husband. I find her attitude insulting. Not just insulting because I am coming down on the survivor side, but what about the spouses or caregivers that stay and schlepp in the trenches 24/7? Aren't any of them insulted too?   I know why I am ready to stone this unknown wom

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Stars on Ice

Yesterday I got a call from someone I used to work with at the post office. Out of everyone I worked with, she always keeps in touch, takes me out to lunch periodically.... So she tells me she's going to the Stars on Ice show in Albany at the Pepsi Arena. I'm impressed, I think that is a cool thing to do, Seeing professional skaters live. So she says and the reason I'm calling is a friend who was going is sick and I have this ticket, would you like to go? We'll be leaving in less then two hours.

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Phone call from the past...

As some of you know about the old boyfriend who wanted me to call him. He called me last night. Nice guy, good call, no akward pauses, but not for me. He is only a year younger then I am, but at times I felt decades older then him.   He brought up things I didn't remember. Like the time I was 15 and he was 14 and according to him, we were making out on the dock by the school cafeteria during halftime at a football game. He claims I taught him how to kiss. I was the older chick and that idea p

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Update on Past

Ok, Jan this entry is dedicated to you! It is Sunday and I called the old flame on Friday..... haven't heard a peep out of him, which is just fine don't really need another complication in my life these days. Pam

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The distant past

I needed a subject to blog about and the past is the only thing I could come up with. The past is on my mind. More specifically someone from the past; someone I once dated. It was twenty plus years ago and I dumped him for some infraction I don't even recall the details of. He is a few years younger then me. My older brother ran into him a few weeks back. Seems he had a brain tumor removed from his brain and he inquired after me, my brother told him about my Aneurysm and stroke.... he gives m

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Help identify this

That you were once unkind befriends me now, And for that sorrow, which I then did feel, Needs must I under my transgression bow, Unless my nerves were brass or hammered steel. For if you were by my unkindness shaken As I by yours, oumusthave passed a hell of time, And I, a tyrant, have no leisure taken To weigh how once I suffered in your crime. O, that our night of woe might have remembered My deepest sense how hard true sorrow hits, And soon to you, as you to me then, tende

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Hibiscus blooms

Lately we here in the northeast have had a solid week of rain, dark, cold and wet days. I even put my heat on. Amoung other events that happened, I wasn't my happy go lucky self, kind of bummed I've been.....   I woke up this morning and my Hibiscus is blooming! It bloomed wonderfully all summer, soon as I brought it in, the buds dropped off. I thought no more blooms tilll next spring when I put it back outside. So what a wonderful surprise I got when I walked into the room and the bloom is d

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I need a handbook

I need a handbook that is called something like "Relationships for Dummies" How the hell have I reached the age of 41 and not reached some understanding of what it is I want. Forget the answer to the question of WHO. Sure I know specifically what I won't put up with, but what do I want???? This week I've been guilty of making some pretty broad generalized statements along the lines of I want to be alone, I don't want to live with anyone, ect.... Then at the first opportunity I'm ready to jump o

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Bored- who me?

This entry may sound arrogant and boastful, if it does, I apologize, but it is my blog. I hear on the site and from driends how life is so boring. I had this conversation twice this morning already.......   Am I one of the few that has embraced being medically retired and liking it? As I feel most times my enjoying retirement isn't shared by all, I am never bored. Each day has new and interesting twists and turns. I am busy, occupied, and tired when it is time for bed at night. Now I was spea

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New Endeaver over

Well it is official. I have been fired. Not really in so many words, but told I wasn't needed. The way I see it I have 2 choices here........ I can feel bad that I can't work anywhere, even if I work for free. I could be negative and let this take over my life or I can breathe a huge sigh of relief and say THANK GOD! So guess how I feel right now? Happier then a pig in s***! I tried it, gave it my best shot, know even better what my limitations are. And I'm glad that I don't have to do it

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New Endeaver

I am tired as I write this at 4:25 monday afternoon. First of all this weekend's "trial" has wiped me out. Then this a.m. I had to get blood drawn at the lab.... then I just got home from the laundrymat. I am clockwatching to be able to go to bed.   This weekend I helped my friend Jim out at his Farmers market. I thought when I offered him free help, it would be nothing more then running the register. I thought, I could easily do that. (I had forgotten the survivors golden rule---NEVER TAKE

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INTOLERANCE?

I have a story to tell. The other day after we dropped Peter off at the airport, we (my parents and I) went to The Christmas Tree Shop. I had never been to the one in Albany and I was thrilled with the entire store. I'm waiting on line, the checker is a middle aged guy who was slower then Molasses. I was tired by then and the wait was even longer because the guy moved and talked slow.   Now in my previous life I had been a waitress, I moved quick, talked quick and operated on a daily speed of

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I'm from Venus, they are from Mars

Well I just got a PM from Asha asking when I'd blog again? My company left yesterday. Whew! It was a long two weeks. All I'll say is a compassionate kind caregiver I'm not or waitress, busboy or significant other either. I know I am destined to be single, live alone, do things my way. Can't teach this old dog new tricks. I've become set in my ways having this apartment. I can't function if things are moved or not put back in their place. I learned quite a bit these past two weeks. I know I

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British Invasion

Today is the day I will have my personal British Invasion. Now there aren't many screaming hysterical young girls. Just me, maybe I could talk some young things into acting a part, make him feel good.   Peter arrives tonight at 6 at Albany for 2 weeks. Wednesday we go to Woodstock. He is excited at the prospect of Woodstock. I want to show him Woodstock where tye dye and Patchouli oil still reigns as does smoking a joint on the village green till the cops show up and everyone scatters. Woodst

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A chuckle for you all

Does anyone else like hearing those moron stories on the radio? The true stories about peoples total stupidity? Well I have a real life, I'm not making this up story to tell. Plus I needed to blog something to get off of page 2. My soon to be X and I were having a heated phone conversation yesterday. He sputters that "All you handicaps use that excuse when it is convenient." Now before I continue, you all must remember he isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, lights are on but no ones home.....

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Extreme Early A.M. Alarm

The last three mornings I have been rudely woken up by a deafening racket. I don't know about other survivors, but my hearing is more acute as is my sense of smell is acute. So I am snuggled in my bed, it is still dark, the dog or the cat hasn't decided to tag team me, because they have a need for food or a trip outside. I am retired, I can sleep as long as I'd like. The phone hasn't rung with one of my kids calling or a friend. Instead I have been woken up by a very loud piercing..... so

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Todays Gain

I am over the top, I did something today with my left hand and I actually did it and had success! To give some background- I had to go have bloodwork done this morning, so I have the folded up gauze and white tape on my arm. The tape started to come loose on one end and kept catching the hairs on my arm. OWWWW! So I was talking on the phone.......and I jerkily raised my left hand up and pinched the tape between my forefinger and thumb and ripped the tape off, all by using my left hand, not my a

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Sterile

Am I the only one that thinks pumping contaminated water back into the ocean is a insane thing to do? The only one who thinks that rebuilding New Orleans at todays prices is a wicked shameful thing to do, so another storm can come in another season and flood it again. I saw some news footage this morning, a older woman is standing talking to the news caster very proudly saying she isn't leaving, this is her home, while one can see in the background her house. Or rather what once was her house,

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Lord Byron

Lord Byron may know what he is talking about- should I heed his warning????   To the Young Wife     1Are you content, you pretty three-years

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