hostpam's Blog

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About this blog

Survivors secret journey

Entries in this blog

SHOCKING News

Well I finally feel like I can write about this and not cry my eyes out or feel so raw about it. It would seem the spouse has slept with the bimbo from next door. I wasn't even out of the house 24 hours before it happened. Yeah, I know he's a *beep* and a few other choice words the filters will not let me use. What adds the insult to injury, is that I detest that woman, have from day one. I suspected something was brewing the last few weeks before I moved out. Of course my 13 year old son was sp

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Movie Lists???

I'll give it a go, but I doubt I'll hit 50! I just didn't want to be left out.   1. Love Actually 2.Titanic 3. Dirty Dancing 4. Flashdance 5. My Cousin Vinny 6. Kate and Leopold 7. You've got Mail 8. Sleepless in Seattle 9. Mask 10. Silkwood 11. Kramer vs. Kramer 12.The Horse Whisperer 13.Tootsie 14.The Big Chill 15. Steel Magnolia's 16. Terms of Endearment 17. Notting Hill 18. Meet Joe Black 19. Rocky Horror Picture Show 20. Top Gun   Well that is a

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Moving Day! 5/14/05

The forcast was for thunder showers and rain all day. But it is a bright sunny day. Which is good as today is the official moving in day. Though most of my stuff is at the apartment, I still have my desk and computer at the house.   I spent most of yesterday at the apartment. My phone, cable and DSL was being hooked up. So I put all those groceries away, unpacked a box or two and started to clean the shower. Well the shower never got finished.... but everything else did. But it was so wierd

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Oh, my aching feet!

In another lifetime, I was once a waitress. Long shifts or busy nights, my feet would throb aall night long. I haven't waitressed in years, probably a decade or more. But after my grocery shopping trip yesterday, my feet were throbbing all night long. I'm going to one more store today. As I don't know how frequently I'll get a ride to the grocery store, it is safe to say I stocked up yesterday. Yup stocking the bunker more like...... I left at 10 yesterday morning, got back to the apartment at

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All Balloons must burst.....

Ty lookalike update! Turns out the guy is a dreamer, he isn't my landlord at all, just a glorified contractor. The realtor set me straight, said he has been telling that all over town. So gee, now I know keep my distance, unless I'm in distress and have something I just cannot do. Now if I could only win the lottery...... I hope he is around when I get back from grocery shopping today,I cringe at all those bags of groceries that will have to be carried in to the apartment. If he and Mr. Clean a

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Ladies Only--Have I got news to share

OK, if you're a guy reading this you should probably stop as I'm going to dish and only females will appreciate what I have to say. I just met one of my new landlords( didn't know there were two) and Ty from ABC's Extreme Makeovers is one of my landlords! No, not the real Ty but one who looks close enough like him that I did a double take. And the local Ty is handy too, electrical, plumbing, sheetrocking, tiler and painter. We exchanged a few words. He told me the houses name is "Glenda" ( ye

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Creativity

Where does creativity come from? Is it a talent one is born with? Is it a learned talent from tv, books, magazines, osmosis?   Pre stroke I was very creative, I could do wonders with some fabric, sheets and terra cotta pots and some paint. My head was always full of ideas, I could go to a yard, sale see something and think of an alternative use for the item. I was interested in crafting back then too. My walls were full of sponge painting and stencilling. No piece of furniture was safe from

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Sentimental Mothers Day

My day started out with breakfast in bed from my 7 year old daughter Alex. Cinnamon raisen toast with milk in a wine glass( a fancy glass!) and flowers and a homemade place mat, that I cried when I read the poem on it. The homemade cards she made me almost made me cry too, with the words,"I wish you weren't moving out" Then she and Petey the Pom ate most of my breakfast. Petey made up for that by sharing his half chewed slimy chewie by dropping it on my face. Ah, these unforgettable, wouldn't

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The moving has begun--"Stuff"

Last night we started moving some stuff into the apartment, I have a key now. We unrolled the new carpet I had bought, moved the bed in and a few other smalls and bags from shopping. The small round dining table fits perfectly in the bay window alcove, I can't wait to hang the curtians..... My daughter was with us and she passed the apartment on the approval score, so did the spouse. I have way to much stuff already, I can see it filling up and getting cluttered, got to get into downsizing m

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Living the quiet country life.....

Maybe in my dreams, my life is quiet...... not in reality. Well I feel better, my leave has helped, except I couldn't get on the site for the last 4 days, felt cut off and anxiety filled. I saw the lawyer on tuesday, found out I can't get divorced yet. It is all very complex and I'm not going to try to explain it here. Simply put, the agreement Kurt and I worked out that would be the best for the kids actually makes a legal mess that no judge would approve....... So I continue on with moving o

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May Day!

Well, yes I'm on my self imposed leave, but I thought I'd blog a short entry. We told the kids yesterday we are divorcing, it went well. That is a huge relief that is over with, I have an appointment Tuesday morning with a lawyer and I have gotten mostly everything I need for the apartment. I was sorting the picture albums all afterrnoon, that task had its moments. Then I started on the filing cabinet and desk drawers, those can wait a day or two. Slowly the pressure is lifting, I feel as if I

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Curtains!

I went shopping yesterday. I bought the curtains for the bay window alcove. I got a tension rod( that is for a bathroom) not sure of the measurements....... yeah yerah, I know, the price of curtains I should have measurements first... but I'm winging it. What I bought were two white crispy looking sheer panels, then I bought a white sheer window scarf to drape along the top. I thought that would be a good summer look and I'll have to add some colored panels come fall. I think in the past I've w

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Leaving......

Where's the anger when you need it? In my three years post stroke, I've found that my survivor anger was huge and it was a motivator for me. But I also found out that the anger was a negative force of energy that was draining me. So I let it all go, released it, took a deep breath and felt much better. Now during this period of loads and gobs of survivor anger, I made some life altering decisions. I decided that I wanted a divorce from this man I was married to, who turned out to be more needy t

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indecision.......

The blog title refers to whatever my fingers type out. I can't decide what I want to blog about right now. My feelings? My thoughts? Ah ha got it! I think I may blog about biker types in reply to a question someone asked in their blog a day or so ago. Or I may just blog about the types of guys in general.   Biker types: Whats the attraction? None really, it is more of a joke between Cinder and I. But biker type guys live on a different side of life..... a short walk on the wild side. As I am

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The wonders of a good nights sleep

I woke up this morning, the sun is shining and my headache is gone. I also made a decision that I will take the apartment in the victorian too. I have this endless mental list going on, because of setting up a new household, there are so many things I need to buy. I'm getting itchy to get going, because shopping and packing will not be an option for me in the same week. I have to plan around the energy level. One good thing is I don't have to paint the new place. It is all freshly painted a sof

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A Different Path

Big sigh. This morning I went and looked at the apartments that were available here in my rural little town. I saw three. Now some of you may be saying, what happened to the barn? Well it would seem that to the spouse having a year to renovate the barn is better cost effectively and time wise. So he went to the local realtor and set up the appointment for this morning to see the apartments. Well the first one I saw is on Main Street in a newly renovated old gingerbread victorian. It has been

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Fufillment

Fufillment. This word has been bouncing around my head, weaving itself in and out of my thoughts today. My thoughts are not of the upbeat positive quality. I think I should stay away from reading philosphy and bits of quantum mechanics and quantum physics before 8 in the morning. It is too heavy and overtaxed the damaged brain I have. That is the only excuse I can find for a sad dark mood today. I'm impatient today too. I can't use any of my tricks to ignore and not think about the demise of

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9P.m. close to bedtime

I'm ready to shut the computer off. Today was a better day then yesterday.My son went for the day to one friends house then went over night to anothers at 7:30. The two people that my daughter invited over can't come for various reasons and I'll admit it, I'm glad. You know I always thought I'd never have kids, never wanted them, never pictured myself as a mom. Well as these things happen, I changed my mind, had the desire to have kids. Pre stroke I did alot for and with my kids, but now, I don'

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What a day!

I sit here this morning. I am just soaking up the peace and quiet. Today is a brand new day, yesterday is over, the sun went down, the sun came up. The energy level of the house is at a quiet hum. They are all still in bed asleep.THANK GOD!!!!! This week my kids are home from school on break. Yesterday was a day that pre stroke would have had me over the edge. Post stroke, it wiped me out. It all started out ok enough, coffee and a smoke on the deck, soaking up the sun, listening to the bir

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Mother/Daughters

I'm 41 years old and my mother still hasn't gotten over the fact that I am different then her. I always have been, always will be. My mother was brought up to depend on the man, always wear red lipstick when you leave the house, lean on the "man of the house" to make all the decisions, let the man wear the pants type of thing. Well I missed a class somewhere along the way in how to lean on a man. Sorry, I don't need them to do my thinking for me, I can handle the bills, I have my own checking

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put money where mouth is

For the past few days, I've been struggling with a dilema. One part of the dilema involved the barn of course, we could get around the zoning issue if we didn't put in a kitchen. I have been resistant to that idea entirely. One because I looked at that as a step down from what I have. Two, I plan on living there for a long time. So Thursday I walked up to the neighbors house that owns the field behind us, I knocked on her door introduced myself and asked if she would sell me a strip of land, she

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Search has only just begun

Well I started the search for a place to live, talked to two people today. Could have had one place, but no kids, no Petey the Pom, no kids even overnight for a visit. I thanked her for her time but said I had just started my search and I would keep looking. But I hate the personal invasive questions. It makes me grit my teeth to admit that yes, I am getting a divorce, things didn't work out after 19 years and I left it at that.   I refuse to give into the husband bashing. I'd love to tell

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When it all comes together

Today is a beautiful sunny breezy Monday morning, very early spring, it has the promise of a few more days or weeks and I can shed my winter coat. I went out on the deck in my bare feet, but in less the five minutes my tootsies were freezing, so it isn't that mild yet. I just made a pot of coffee, testing a new brand, I ordered my cigarettes from the Indians, sent back my DVD's to Blockbuster, all in all a pretty sucessful day so far. I feel calm, in control, I have a plan to resolve where I'

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Plodding along on this never ending journey

I an three years post stroke, I have gleefully been rebuilding my life for the last two years, I have been enjoying doing that, excited about all the new things I've been learning, loving the new friends I've made and just overall immersing myself in this new life and living it to the fullest. In the last day or two, my steps have become slower, left foot dragging a bit, I've started plodding along on my journey. I'm getting tired of walking on this path, it is getting boring. Maybe the novel

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Being a parent[ big sigh]

It just turned noon time in our house today on a Monday and the phone has been ringing off the hook all morning with calls from school. My son is now full blown into those teen years. He speaks his mind, but has yet to stop at the line where he should just shut up and show some self control. He also has ADHD which adds to his disorder, but still no excuse or justification to be disrespectful to a teacher. With each phone call, the evidence against him is mounting. I have wiggled into my mom t

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