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Entries in this blog

Im scared

I woke up at 3am. I remember people talking to me and me being in a hospital so I thought I just woke up from a dream but I also remember waking up scared because something was pushing my body. I felt really off balanced but my stomach hurted really bad so i walked to the bathroom. nothing happened so I laid back down and although I was still scared eventually I fell back asleep. I woke up again around 9am. I started looking at tv when I started to feel really hot and my heart started beating re

CagedBird

CagedBird

trying to move on

Thursday my dad made me stay home all day. I told him one like that had not happened since I was at work in September so it probably wont happen again for another couple of months but he still wanted me to rest so I did. Yesterday though I had to get out. Laying in bed is the scariest and probably gives me more panic attacks than anything since the "seizures" were always in my sleep and the dizziness always happens when Im laying down on the computer or reading a book.   So I got my dad to dro

CagedBird

CagedBird

i just dont understand

Things were going pretty good. Today I went to the gym and signed up for a membership. Its a gym that the hospital owns so they also have OTs PTs and personal trainers. I especially like that they offer group classes like chair yoga and senior exercise classes so it will be easier for me to keep up with the group. I was having a good day. I treated myself to a restaurant I've never been to for lunch then came home to finish reading a business book. and thats when it happened. as i was laying do

CagedBird

CagedBird

The silver lining

I am feeling good today so decided to write a quick blog and spare you guys the long drawn out entries of the good bad and ugly in my life. For some reason the psychiatrist still has not called to schedule my appointment. I've been calling my neurologist every week for the past month. So today I seen the hematologist. He put me back on iron pills but I don't think I really need them. My hemoglobin is at 11.6 and the normal level is 12. He is going to check my blood for everything and call me if

CagedBird

CagedBird

a new year

It is always hard to write in this blog. Some days I am feeling so low and other days I feel wonderful. Of course it is easier for me to blog when Im depressed because when everyone is at work too busy to listen to me, the blog is always here for me to vent. Then I try to write at times like this when Im feeling normal so the blog becomes crazy long. Sorry!   I wish I could say 2014 had a great start but sadly i can't. It was January 2 I believe when I had another "attack". I was laying in be

CagedBird

CagedBird

just complaining. dont mind me

How could I possibly feel sad? I havent had any seizures or nightmares in my sleep. I get out and drive to visit family and friends everyday. I dont have to worry about working 40 hours a week just for all of my money to go to bills. I can go wherever I want, do whatever I want, whenever I want.   But Im still sad. When Im not hanging out with family and friends, I am just sitting in my room. All of my friends work during the day so I have no one to talk to. When Im too tired to go anywhere an

CagedBird

CagedBird

what just happened

I was laying in bed looking at my laptop when I started to get a weird feeling. I immediately started to pray out loud. As I prayed I tried to breathe slowly to calm myself down thinking maybe its just a panic attack. but no, it wasnt. Everything became blurry. I let my laptop slide off my lap onto the bed. I reached for my phone but I was so nauseous that I thought I might throw up if I tried to call my dad. Im home by myself. I looked at my bedroom door but it was just blurry. I lay back down

CagedBird

CagedBird

Grateful

I woke up yesterday morning, fell back asleep despite my fear, and woke up again. No nightmares! I woke up Thursday morning and this morning. No seizures! Its such a blessing to just get a good nights rest. Every morning that I wake up and realize I didnt have any parasomnias or seizures, Im just so happy.   No accidents I am also grateful for God keeping me safe when I drive. I did not drive much when I lived here before. As some of you know I just got my license 2 years ago and got in 2 acc

CagedBird

CagedBird

No answers

Right now I am just mad. I just left the neurologist. I asked him about the ketogenic diet and modified Atkins diet. He didnt have a clue what I was talking about. When I learned that the ketogenic diet is high in fats and low in carbs, I thought well maybe my seizures came back because I dont eat a lot of fats. Last year I quit eating all meats except seafood. I also do not eat butter or drink whole milk. If I cook I use margarine and on the rare ocassion that I eat cereal I drink almond milk.

CagedBird

CagedBird

another poem

i just felt like writing. After 1 christian telling me i put too much faith in medicine and not enough in God, I have been trying to be as spiritual as I can praying and reading the Bible. Then my co-worker who is a minister told me the 1 christian was wrong. It is not my fault. She told me to go to church and get someone to cast the demons out of me. Lastnight my cousin invited me to her church but I told her I did not want to go back because Im tired of people telling me Im not getting healed

CagedBird

CagedBird

the bad and the good

I have lived with my dad pretty much since I had the cane back in 2003 so he is used to dashing into my room or calling out my name anytime he hears a bump. back then the issue was me falling since I could not walk as well as I do now. We put the bed back up against the wall so he can hear if I hit it during my sleep. (I still remember him holding me on my side in 2005 because he heard me hit the wall having a seizure.)   I asked my brother if he heard me call for help during the seizure Frid

CagedBird

CagedBird

epilepsy

I just had another seizure. After taking my medicine I tried watching tv and being on the internet but I was just so tired I dosed off with the tv on. A few minutes later I found myself waking up slowly like I didn't know what was happening. I thought I was going to throw up, my head hurt, and my heart was beating so fast it hurt too. I thought about calling my dad but I couldnt remember how to use the phone. I tried yelling out his name but it came as a whisper. I was scared. Finally it ended,

CagedBird

CagedBird

At home

I put in my resignation letter. It was very hard and I cried many nights but I felt like I needed to do it. Sunday I remember waking up at 3am feeling like something was wrong (seizure). My heart was beating fast, I had a headache, I could hear myself breathing really loud, the thoughts in my head were really loud and my throat was burning like I was going to throw up. Next thing I knew it was 7:30 and I was waking up getting ready for work. I felt fine but around 4:30 that evening at work I sta

CagedBird

CagedBird

OT, neurologist, going home

No more therapy. Wednesday was my last day. But I have everything I need. I have new exercises, my old ones from 2007, my mirror box, my e-stim unit, and my brace and splint. I have been exercising everyday since my last day. I don't want to waste all that progress. It feels so great when I use my left hand to do things. While at the doctor, I told my dad I could open the door. We were in the room waiting for the doctor. He didnt believe me but I did it. He was like when did you learn how to do

CagedBird

CagedBird

i want to go home

I just left the neurologist office. He said I had a small amount of discharge one night that could have turned into a seizure. He was really concerned that I had the big one at work the day before the EEG. He said the discharge in my brain came from the area where my stroke was so I guess its just post stroke seizures. The nighttime seizure medicine they started me on has been working wonderfully though. I dont wake up in the middle of the night anymore (unless the hand splint is bothering me) a

CagedBird

CagedBird

my stroke anniversary

Thanks everyone for your comments and concern. Im feeling better and am waiting on my lawyer to start the case. I recently disconnected my cable and internet so I am typing this in the last 5 minutes of my lunch break at work. As some of you know my stroke anniversary was yesterday. 10-18-01 was the day I went in to have the angiogram for my AVM and woke up days later with a stroke. I just wanted to let you guys know I have not been sad and depressed this anniversary. I went to church on Sunday

CagedBird

CagedBird

i got hit by a van

I decided to return back to work this week so I bought a bus pass instead of driving. I was about to cross the street at the cross walk. It said walk. I took a few seconds to look to my left and right to make sure no one was making right or left turns and began to walk with 12 seconds left. As soon as I began to start walking I seen a big van approaching me on my left side. "WAIT!" I screamed. but it was too late. I fell over to my right side in the road then rolled over in agony. The driver got

CagedBird

CagedBird

home from the hospital

First of all THANK YOU all so much. Your comments and support really meant a lot to me. You guys really knew just what to say. Well the good news is I was discharged from the hospital so I am FREE AT LAST! no more electrodes stuck to my head, no more iv in my arm, no more confined to the hospital bed and calling the nurse to help me to the bathroom. Being back in the hospital was not a good feeling. I really had some break downs in there. Like what if I have to have brain surgery for them to sto

CagedBird

CagedBird

i had my first seizure at work

I was feeling kind of weird at work. I'd had a mocha coffee before work so I felt kind of good when I got there. I guess the caffeine put me in a good mood and I just felt relaxed and at peace. Then I guess it wore off and I began to feel tired and light headed. I was working sitting at the desk mostly but when I had to walk around to gather some books I started to feel more strange. I couldn't tell if I was just getting tired or if I was going to have another seizure or if I was just feeling un

CagedBird

CagedBird

Another seizure :(

My brain is in a fog right now. I cant remember what I did yesterday. Well yesterday (Friday morning) i fell asleep around 1am and woke up around 3am. I started reading a book to help my fall back asleep but ended up staying up for another hour and a half or 2 hours. As I was falling back asleep i decided to lay on my left side. Im usually on my left side or back when I have the seizures in my sleep. So as I was falling asleep I started feeling like I couldnt move. It like a force was holding my

CagedBird

CagedBird

getting even better :)

Thanks for the comments on my last blog. I know its only been a few days but I wanted to share my joy (yes joy!) I finally took a bath using my left hand. It was hard to keep the hand towel from unraveling and I still went back and washed all over again using my good hand but Im glad I atleast tried it. I will try again tonight. I also held a water bottle in my left hand and opened it with my good hand without spilling it everywhere. Now I can pretty much get my wrist in neutral position and whe

CagedBird

CagedBird

Consistency is the key!

I have pretty good news. I am progressing in therapy. My OT gave me some exercises. The only problem I have is being consistent! I was off work last Monday through Tuesday so I got up each morning and did all of my exercises, 15 minute e-stim sessions twice a day, and wore my splint for about 4 hours. I even fell asleep with my smaller splint on each night. Even though it was on the floor when I woke up, it felt good to know that I can at least fall asleep with that one on. Remember that night y

CagedBird

CagedBird

My first road trip

I drove my first roadtrip and didnt get in an accident! I was so relived Im still alive! My arm was sore from gripping the steering wheel so tight trying to steer straight going 80 mph. As some of you know I don't have my left field vision so merging is pretty scary and I could not really turn all the way around to see what was coming since I was driving so fast so I had to use my mirrors but luckily I only had to merge back onto the interstate 2 or 3 times. One time I had to wait for a big 18 w

CagedBird

CagedBird

fighting the monster

I really do love you guys. Thanks for all of your support. I was able to tell my OT this morning some of the stuff I learn from this board that she had never heard of. I am glad I went to chat lastnight because I was also able to explain to her Im not the ONLY one that just cant sleep with the splint on and if I do manage to fall asleep with it on, I take it off in my sleep or its not on when I wake up. So I really am glad this board is still around.   I wrote a poem on Sunday. I had not wrote

CagedBird

CagedBird

Neurologist and OT visit

I was not trying to be rude. I just felt like my last post was about me expressing myself, my name, how I feel. Some of the comments just were not what I was expecting. I know we are all in this together and I appreciate the support I get from you guys since I dont get it anywhere else. The pep talks just aren't needed sometimes. When my brain chemistry is going wacky and I cant pull myself out of the dumps, I blog/post here because its an outlet for me to express myself when no one else (family

CagedBird

CagedBird