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About this blog

My life as a caregiver

Entries in this blog

Wow, is looking back good?

Ok, so I actually went back and read all the blogs that I had done. I was so depressing. Why didn't anybody tell me? :2cents: Anyway, I was thinking about all that I had been through with my mom's stroke and my dad's drinking himself to death. And I look where I am today. My husband and I were just out on the golf cart looking at our property and just driving down the country road. This time last year, I was pulling my hair out hating my dad and hating life in general and now I have just

cpopevis

cpopevis

Why I have disappeared.......

I didn't realize that life had past me by....It has been almost a month since I have posted anything. I guess it is the job. I have the best job in the world. Ok, maybe not in the world, cuz that would be surfing the net for lots of money. I am an administrative assistant for the trust department of a bank. So, now instead of taking care of my mom, I now take care of elderly people's estates. It is a fun job. I like everyone I have met at the bank so far. We had a company picinic yester

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It's been forever

It has been forever since I have posted a blog. I wonder if I remember how????? Not much has changed. I just sit here everyday with two men who annoy me. I look for jobs when they magically appear in the paper or on my job search. I get turned down for said jobs. Of course we have the waiting game for a few days before they say no. But other than that, life is good. Me and my husband have started fishing. That lasted about 3 days. I caught two fish to his zero! Let me say that again,

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Attitude Adjustment

Ok, so I have given myself a major attitude adjustment. Maybe it was just riding around on the lawnmower drinking beer, I don't know. I feel like someone has put life into this body again. I'm still looking for a job with no avail.... But I don't care right now. No I wasn't drinking today, this happened on Saturday. My husband and I spent the day outside doing yard work. So I don't have as much yard as Cinder. I only have 2 acres, but it is work. One acre is nothing but trees. And

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Hating Life

Ok, I know this is going to sound bad..........now we all know it! I hate life. This just isn't right. I sit here and do nothing all day long. I hate it. It is rainy and cold outside, so I can't go out and sit in the yard. I just don't know what to do. There are no jobs in this town! I am getting depressed very quickly. My highlight for the day was going to the post office to mail my taxes! Now we are having fun. I just can't keep this up much longer. They are going to have to commit

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Men

I have came to the conclusion that I hate men. All men. Except of course my dog, but then he is nuetered. My husband tries to get me upset and keep me that way. He doesn't ever think before he spouts off. Then there is my dad. Well, he makes me feel like a prisoner. I just want to run away and have nothing to do with these men anymore. I am always broken hearted by one of them and neither of them cares or they blame it on the other one. Neither of them take responsibility for their acti

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Nothing new

I haven't had much to say, so I haven't blogged in awhile. Everything is still the same. Nothing new. I just sit here everyday waiting for my mom to need me. Then I realize that she doesn't need me anymore and I get depressed. My dad is sooooooo depressing right now. He still hasn't faced the reality that she is gone and won't be coming back. I can't say that I blame him. He was only with her for 54 years. I know I would probably be depressed if my husband died and we have only been tog

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Life goes forward

I just got off the phone with a really good friend. One that my husband doesn't know about, because he would be jealous. There is nothing going on with this friend. At one point in my life, I wished there was something going on, but I have moved on with my life as he has his. But we remain good friends. I noticed talking to him today (I haven't talked to him in about 6 months or so) that life has gone forward. The old problems that we had were gone. We were friends again. Nothing came be

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Where do I go from here?

I am actually doing pretty good today. I went to a friends house and played with his router trying to get it to work. No luck. He buys junk. Not my problem! But now I am left with the question, where do I go from here? Now that mom is gone, I feel lost. I have too much time on my hands. So much that I don't know where to start on anything. I don't know how to finish anything I start. I had a great day today. The house is so depressing. I can't get dad to get off the floor and even go

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Finding the strength

I am sitting here this morning with my world spinning out of control. I'm not sure which way to jump or how to act or how to feel. I have thought alot about God and really felt like there is no such thing. I'm not saying that I have 100% changed my mind to believing again. I am just trying to find the strength to deal with the situation that surrounds me right now. I don't really know how or where to turn. Maybe there is a God and this is a test of my strength or faith. I really don't fee

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"Hardley"

I have been trying to decide all day, how and what to write with this blog. My dad is a complete a@#! First of all, did you know that you get sick with a high fever from eating? That is why I am sick. It is because I eat all the time. Now, mind you, I eat three times a day. Then there are the "snacks" that my dad forces me to eat all day, just like my grandma did. Then he tells me that if I didn't snack all day, maybe I could lose weight! Now, my husband and I gave up really good job

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Ok 100 things

It seems everybody else is doing it, so I might as well do it too   1. I am short. 2. I am overweight. 3. I don't know what my real hair color is. 4. I like my finger nails. They grow real nice and long. 5. I won't eat fish. 6. My favorite ice cream is mint chocolate chip. 7. I love the O.C. tv show. 8. I have read every V.C. Andrews book. 9. I like my movies as comedies. 10. I still think Jon Bon Jovi is HOT! 11. I was a cheerleader in 4th grade. 12. I lo

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Life's Missing Something

Over the past few weeks, I have came to a conclusion. My life is missing something. It's not because my life is my mom and dad now. I am really missing something. I think it is memories. I don't remember alot from when I was growing up. I don't know if it is intentional or just plain don't remember. I remember bits and pieces of things. I have started trying to find high school friends and elementary friends. I am really trying to find what my life is missing. Material wise, I have eve

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mom

Well, its official. Mom's heart is in failure. She can no longer take it. The doctor is trying to get her home, but he isn't happy with her progress this time. He pretty bluntly said that she will be dying soon. I know she was getting weak. Her heart is pretty much gone. I just want her to come home, so that I can take care of her. I know that won't change anything and the doctor said she will be back soon. He thinks if we get her home it will only be a few days and she will be back. H

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Faith

Mom went back into the hospital last night. I prayed to God not to take her yesterday. My hero died 4 years ago yesterday. Funny, mom went to the hospital at the same time he died. She doesn't look good. She is in ICU, so we get 20 minutes every two hours. Just long enough to say hello and goodbye. Dad doesn't want to be there very often. He only wants to go 3 times a day. Well, in my opinion that is wrong. I really feel this time she is going to die. She is so swollen that I don't th

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Today

I woke up this morning and said to myself "today is the first day of your life". Wow, I have had a lot of those lately. I broke down last night, both emotionly and mentally. I feel much better this morning. It's funny how a little crying and yelling can make you feel better. I never have anything profound to blog about, but it makes me think when I go back and read it.   I thought alot about the meaning of life lately. What is life really? It is something we all have to do. God has hi

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Nothing really amazing

Ok so I have had time and read my past blogs. I am starting to sound whiny and depressed. I guess I have a lot on my mind. I have a past problem that is haunting me right now, as it does every once in awhile. Not really a problem or really haunting me, just on my mind a lot lately. Sometimes we make mistakes in life. Not that it was a mistake, it just happened.   Anyway, that's in the past and I need to concentrate on the future. I have been so self absorbed and depressed, that I for

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Rejection

I never felt so much rejection in my life. I don't ask for much and I give everything I have emotionly and physically. My husband rejects every idea I have regarding my life. I can't get a job due to all the rejection that I get. My dad, he rejects me in every way he can (dad, i lost 7 pounds..too bad you'll gain it all back). My mom rejects me when she doesn't feel good. I am not use to rejection. I have always done anything and everything I can for everyone. It use to be ok. I got pra

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Living here

There are days I want to run away. Today is one of them. Since we have been here helping my parents, every thing seems ok on the outside. But deep down inside, I think we made a big mistake. Jay got a job at Home Depot and he is dealing with it ok. I know he isn't happy about it and I wish I was the one working. I need to work. I am going absolutely stir crazy. Last night my dad was drunk and he told my mom he hated what we were doing to them. That we only wanted their money. Man, that

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Coping with long distance

For 3 1/2 years, I lived in Phoenix while my dad took care of my mom. It was just as stressful as living here with them. Maybe more so. I talked to them every Wednesday and Saturday for those years. I never made plans on those days, because I didn't want to miss their call. I often wondered if something happened to my dad, would my mom's caregiver call me? Would she just keep taking care of mom and not let me know. I was a nervous wreck if dad was 3 minutes late calling. I gave him 15 mi

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First time I saw mom after stroke

So here I was in a strange land. Ok I had never been there before. It wasn't strange, just new. Dad picked me up at the airport and we went to the house. I thought what a great house, but something was missing. It was mom. We dropped my bag, called my husband to let him know I was here, and off to the hospital we went.   I got an eyeopener. I had never seen my mom look so helpless. I had to choke back the tears. As I grabbed her hand for the first time, she had what the called a li

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Dealing with the stroke

Ok so now I had to get control of myself. My mom and I talked once a week every week for as long as I had been out of the house (about 10 years). She was my best friend. Needless to say, I was 1400 miles away and helpless. I couldn't lose my job by taking off too long. My dad said for me to wait and see what happened. I waited. I talked to my dad a few times a week for the next two months. This is saying a lot. My dad and I were not close at all! I dreaded the fact the he was my only c

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my life

Ok, so I have been trying to decide how to start this. I want everything to be smooth and flowing. I guess I should start with 2001 the worst year of my life. Well, maybe not the worst, but close. The year actually started out pretty good. I was looking forward to NASCAR starting. My mom was going to get a pacemaker so that she would be able to breath. They scheduled everything for her in March of 2001. February 18 was when my world started collapsing around me. Dale Earnhardt died in

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