pretty much sums up our lives… I started Lexapro for the panic attacks - seems to be helping for sure i can at least focus…. Dan got that wonderful respiratory ( viral) bug that went around… But caught secondary pneumonia and was on antibiotics for that, causing many BM issues… won't go into that - just use imagination folks…. And last night dan fell out of bed, all day he had been ( testing) and finally the inevitable, he had to learn the "hard way"… and he did get hurt his sternum is possib
the serenity prayer is appropriate at this juncture of my life. It is hard to accept this is as good as it gets…. and from here on will are lucky just to have a even keel day. I guess on some level I have been thinking something would change. Nothing has or does, or will. The only person who can change is me - I am the only person I have any control over. Giving up on lost dreams is a hard pill to swallow… Hopefully I can find new dreams, - dreams made of simple survival… Choking on the "mundane
so panic attacks are becoming a plague for me… as if i needed another thing to "chew on"…. I went to my PCP and we decided on Buspar --- non addictive ( some of the others are) … I can feel it -- kinda fog me out a little , but hey it didn't keep me down for long…. it is now 4 am -- been up since 1 am -- went to bed at 10 pm…. I do know it will take time, to get the med into my blood stream… but that does me no good - at 4 am - needing to be to work at 9 am… although thankfully my employer is fl
I am not sure what is going on with me - but i am having panic attacks --- i feel in constant adrenaline mode… breathless … I am Ok and they are panic attacks --- I am going to see my PCP on weds to see about trying a different antidepressant , what i have been taking just isn't cutting it… so it is time for a adjustment for me to… the anxiety of life is a bit more than I can handle -- it is what it is just as it always has been…. just wishing I could quit it ( feeling so anxious) … but having t
So I ran away from home last week. I had made the plans months ago feeling Dan would be stable - and he was or was not depending on how one looks at things… Any how I had to go for me.. Yes me, the selfish me, the worn out tired ready to jump off a cliff. me… I know the people here on stroke net "get it" and know what I am talking about.But some loser is probably out there thinking whoa - look at all the things they have done… Well we have, with supreme effort of course… I will continue doing wh
I sit here just breathless… I have that same dread feeling , reserved for those special tragedies in life.. the death of some one we love, the stroke, kids needing surgery - those types of things… The PTSD I think of life..
Dan has put me through and himself through the wringer in the past few weeks… He apparently had a UTI ( haven't seen one in so long i missed it -we all did) he just kept getting worse and worse and i thought he was having a psychotic break - he had punched the care worker (
so where i blog -- and she i respond to my bog and even when i responded to linns blog under my name it says 0 warning points -- no one else appears to have this under their name … what is that about ??
I guess writing gets the frustrations out- or something… that and as i have always said -- it is like leaving a road map for another to know they are not alone… the problem we have - I think we are alone -Dan and the Depression is just so bad… I even had a gal come and do Reiki on him… she said he "pulled a lot of energy out of her" -- that I believe… even when i just sleep next to him right now i do not feel the least bit refreshed when waking-- just BLAAHHHH…. I still do things don't get me wr
I feel stuck in a time zone or a groundhog day zone….. dan is back to his depressed self… ignoring the world and laying mute, eyes closed… etc… the house feels like a funeral home… even with kids running and playing and laughter-- Dan can still just bring us all down…. Why can't anything just be good - or good enough, why must we in our family constantly deal with the depression… we have enough to do with the stroke, now the depression is around and just sucks the life right out of everyone… in
Dan had a little tantrum with his care worker today - and fell out of bed… He wanted her NOW - to clean the bathroom, but she was folding and had asked him to wait - Dan decided to "show her" he was going go do it himself.. i guess, she came in carrying towels and there he was sliding off the bed - end result he sprained his ankle.. He is hurting tonight - poor guy, and we have been planning a trip to AZ - now I don't know whats gonna happen… wait till morning, I guess to decide… so far his pai
Dan and I are still here we averted the last crisis and his mood is pretty good for the most part… he has a class reunion supper tonight about 60 miles away - i have debated and debated should i take him… I think him seeing his past and "healthy" people will not be "good " for his esteem - he always held "health and fitness in high regard " he was never over weight , still isent - but was muscular - still is on his left side but his right side has withered and then the awkward arm ( affected sid
So i couldn't find a ledge high enough to jump from -- both colleen and debbie called me and said - STOP IT -- come down off the ledge..lol… Dan is doing a bit better again - refused his pills through the weekend but ate.. then got all achey and weird feeling and decided maybe just maybe taking his pills is a ok idea… but as we know it changes every day.. the new care giver ( i hired a younger gal ) is working out better than the older gal ( she just was sick so much herself and dan i think just
i am on a ledge…. Dan has taken to refusing his meds , eating and drinking although i will hook the IV up later tonight …. He is feeling done with Life -- I don't know why , i really don't other than the control i have taken from him in terms of returning to work… yes he wants me home, but the constant pallor was not a environment for anyone to live in full time 24/7 … Even my Beth is seeking refuge elsewhere - she has decided to move out on her own…. which i completely understand. my son and da
so dan has always through the years taken the side of the bed closest through the door - typical male thing i think…. but because the stroke affects his rt side - the rt side of the bed is the best side for him…. but he has decided he is gonna sleep closest to the door… which is awesome --- NO wait it is not awesome …. he has very little control where he needs it and had made more messes -- every night the bed ( his side it wet ) yes we still have almost daily instance anyhow - but now he misses
Dan had a visitor last night a young man he "mentored " while the kid was in high school - came and visited him. It was a beautiful thing to see, this young man , despite many odds has done well for himself and wanted Dan to know.. Dan was elated - the words were not there of course but the emotion was. Dan recognized the young mans voice as he could over hear me "prepping" the kid for the brain damage aspects of Dans issues. And he was smiling and excited as anything when the young man walked i
Had surgery - doing well, dan was worried - his caretaker brought him in to be with me, at that point he understood what was going on and he turned gray and got upset, ( but not in a loud way) - gave him a valium as i was being scooted out the door… and they brought him in the second i was out of recovery… he is happier now we are both tucked into bed -- dan is asleep but these pain meds aren't helping to much in terms of getting me to sleep , so i thought i would log on and say - i am fine …. i
So Dan had another - "sad" day in terms of mood - cried a lot. kept saying just one more… I think he means one more day of being normal ( I don't know) lately his communication has been less than stellar . But I had to work till noon and Blain and Beth had charge of him - it was also IV hydration day. He always has to stay in bed for this - the worry of a fall with the IV port in is to much - if the port where to get torn and or of course the fall risk as always …… But Beth and Blain are with hi
as we know our loved ones control things - now that are just plain out weird… todays special ?
Pie -- but first a game of charades.. Today Dan is not talking , why - I have no idea…. but we all had to play the game of guess what a triangle thing is…. i finally called beth to interpret - Pie - so a trip to perkins for banana cream pie…. on the plus side he shared with weston - although he acted like he wouldn't, when i peeked in dan was sharing -- i quietly stepped away before Dan got caught b
as always our household is busy. I have a doc appt on monday to see about my issues -- surgery coming i am sure …i just can't shoe the tired -ness and yes i work now after a few years of not working but dan makes me pay in blood for that ( sorta literally) so updates --- god i am sick of my life the drama , the never knowing the plain out BS …. we will start with drawing the line - i am exhausted dan insisted i go with to church although our son also went ( 2 weeks ago i had to leave for 20 mi
so i went and got my blood transfusion yesterday --and today i am scheduled for a ultrasound to see if maybe i need a hysterectomy.. the doc feels i just bleed more than i can make "at that time" - sparing the guys - sorry…
So i feel a bit better but bit is the right word - i was hoping to wake up and jump out of bed… but part of it is - well who else, DAN… Since i hd the transfusion yesterday and worked a few hours and etc. I didn't see him much , what a crab… he refused to eat yesterday ( hi
while caring for Dan has been what i want and intend to do - part of marriage… i have missed out on working , and being soooo young ( lol) i am excited to be working again… so far so good, as far as the caretaker goes for Dan -- although i pay her 1.50 more per hour than i earn ---- it is what it is… but today is friday - i got off work early and hooray - it feels like a weekend… being home for the past two years one day is just like the next - for both myself and dan, now it is sorta exciting
Dan had a seizure last night playing cards - that is his only recreation , and now it has the potential of being ruined - he was pretty embarrassed .. And he was sitting on a high stool ( a big job to get him into that) but as always i was right next to him when it happened - so i caught him before he would fall… how in tune we become with our loved ones… all i could do is hang on to him tight and hold him in the chair - no easy feat for 5 min.- he went about 45 seconds no breathing during the s
so the above means something right Debbie ?? Yep the hbg was 7.6 - but it is friday so not much is gonna be done today about it… i suppose the return to work has stressed it out of me… but i so enjoy it… but that candle is burning at both ends - dan is the chief stressor - but he is trying hard to adjust and be "good" - i think… never can tell with him…Geez … and yes i have been taking all my supplements which is why i am surprised ( a little ) by this .. but i have learned by now i don't get mu
5 years ago Dan and I both ran our butts off working - here there everywhere - saving to be ready to help kids out , fix up the farm, put away for retirement… we respected each others values about work. I am happy to be back to work it is a source of pride for me, even though in the end i make no real money… I do it for me, my self esteem.
Dan however, is just not a happy camper - what a crab yesterday … he pouted a good part of the day - not talking , and - get out- at one point he indicated
I take the dog tag out for his morning runs usually daily. He enjoys it , i enjoy it and he gets exercise and i get a little exercise ..lol today we ran into a snafoo… i was biking along and a rv door opened up and out came another dog. I slammed on my brakes a bit to hard and did sorta a end over end side ways tumble … i only road dashed my hand and seem no worse for wear. the RV family was so scared and apologetic , but as i explained to them neither dog had a issue - they smelled each other
