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Reflective therapy

Entries in this blog

feeling tearfully crappy

No significant development yet but a conclusion to my employment woes should be in the offing. Mom is going in the hospital again. It does not look very good and I am quite sad. I just couldn't take it to see her suffer anymore. She's been through enough already. I could not stand to see her suffering needlessly.   As for the issues with my employment.... gimme a break?! I've been going through this for 28 months, I want it to end in fairness. Isn't that a reasonable demand?

Vanillamoon

Vanillamoon

I'm doing good!

I haven't been around in quite awhile! So I stopped by this evening and after reading a few messages on the board, decided to write one here. I'm doing good. I took up Tai chi and enjoy that and also joined a discussion group where participants just talk?share about their life experiences. Does me good to open up with others.   My manfriend & I were out at the mall today and lo and behold I met my co-worker! It was a surprise since I haven't seen anyone from work since the stroke!

Vanillamoon

Vanillamoon

Too GOOD to be true

I am aware that the entry title sounds depressing but it's a FACT. My wonderful (intended sarcasm) employer has tried once again to pull the rug under my feet (why should I be even surprised)(more sarcasm) After the second year of long term disability is finished, they asked me permission to send my file to the insurance firm that takes over for paying disability premium for the third year. Of course I gave my written permission. From what I can conclude after receiving word from the insura

Vanillamoon

Vanillamoon

Meditation

I'm Zening out. I'm too worn out to struggle with life anymore. I've begun to read about meditation and listening to some Eckhart Tolle CD's. I love him BTW. He is the author of "The Power of NOW". The meditation IS helping a lot. :Clap-Hands:   I got word from the employer representative at work this morning. They will be sending disability papers for my doctor to fill out. It seems that the union and the employer reached an agreement that there will be no further debate in my cas

Vanillamoon

Vanillamoon

I feel lost

At times I feel LOST and confused. I am feeling that way now. I was doing pretty good for the last 3 weeks and a small thing just set my mood downhill. You know I thought I was making progress with turning the page with the divorce, but I still feel like hell about it. I hate the way my ex-husband treated me. He took NO ACCOUNTABILITY for anything and I have felt that I have been shouldering the "blame". The worst part for me is that he asked my sister if she knew anyone that could be c

Vanillamoon

Vanillamoon

What do you like about yourself?

I was looking for something in the dresser drawer when I came across this sheet of paper with something I had written not too long ago. I believe I got this exercise to do in a book I was reading. You have to write what things I feel good about myself and what things makes me unhappy about myself.   THIS IS WHAT I WROTE:   I feel good when I'm determined. I've got a goal and working my way toward it. I feel good because because I have some level of awareness and understanding of things

Vanillamoon

Vanillamoon

Grieving...AT LAST!

Today marks the first day of turning the page of the past. My marraige of 19 years ended in a disaster 14 years ago. Depression has a way of bringing up unresolved issues from the past and so it did. I realized that I had not turned the page to my 19 year marraige to Bob, who was the man of my life for as long as I can remember. I tried everything to make it work between us. He said he loved me BUT was never open for discussion. I compromised a LOT for this marraige to work. I thought tha

Vanillamoon

Vanillamoon

Healing Dreaming

My depression is being managed by Effexor and Seroquel for sleeping. The psychiatrist upped the dosage twice since I've been seeing him. We NEVER talk about anything he just asks me how I am doing and that's it. If I'm not doing well he waits until my next appointment to up my medication.   The sleeping pill makes me DREAM a lot and I look forward to this every night. I feel that it's during my sleep that I'm really getting my therapy in a literal sense. I connect to my subconcious min

Vanillamoon

Vanillamoon

a few words

I wrote this today, it's very simply put but it speaks of how it is.   "I did my best to give my help to persons in my care This service I was paid to do and earned my living in deeds done helping you Within my soul I truly loved what I was trained to do Through helping you I also found my life was made worthwhile. But since my stroke there are some things I can no longer do, That is to give with no reserve my strength to help you too. I wish I could, I loved you all And t

Vanillamoon

Vanillamoon

Saying it like it is

I have a habit of not saying things "as it is" which is not a good thing for ME! I tend to hide my true feelings because I'm afraid of what others might think. I think of others and not enough about myself. I have a giving personality, but I have to learn to recognize my limits. I went to my last neurologist appointment today. She doesn't see the need to see me anymore. My last MRI showed that my carotid artery has repaired itself almost 100%. The MRI showed spots where the brain was dama

Vanillamoon

Vanillamoon

No title, I'm sad that's all

I'm okay I guess considering how I am trying to keep my chin up and not totally give in to depression. Yet I also feel vulnerable. I do not want something else to throw me off kilter. There are times I feel confused inside and still trying to find myself because the stroke has made an impact on me for sure. I look at my life and try to understand my behaviour. Will I ever be able to put all the pieces in place?! It seems so difficult, tedious and at times overwhelming. No wonder I get dis

Vanillamoon

Vanillamoon

Feel like I'm going downhill

Well I may as well try writing my blog in green, maybe it will help. The Holidays are over. I couldn't hardly get through them. I feel fine physically, it's the depression hitting me harder. I've been having nightmares every 1 out of 2 nights. My thoughts are NOT clear and it's more difficult to find a warm spot within me. I just don't feel good in my skin! Ooh I just hate myself that I cannot come out of this depression. I need to be planning my life! I need to know what I'm going to d

Guest

Guest

Good and not so good

Well I've got to take a deeeeeeeeeeeeep breath now. When I said the hearing was on December 6th I was right, it's that I hadn't noticed that it was in the year 2006! So I was given the best advice I could by my union representative, and that is that he would arrange that I be paid until August 2006 (no harassement from employer) if I agreed to RESIGN then. He was talking to me as if he was doing me a favor, said he was saving me thousands of dollars that I would have to reimburse my employer

Guest

Guest

same topic

Isn't it pathetic to to read about my job problems all the time? Well I am 50 years old and do not have much education (doesn't mean I'm not smart) but did not have the opportunity to do so. When I was younger I never realized how important it was. IT's a little late now but I am taking french and math at the moment. My union rep. has asked me to think about QUITTING my job. He said he could negotiate that they would pay me my salary until August 2006 if I AGREED to give my resignation t

Guest

Guest

I CAN

Well I have the employer's psychiatrist assessment. Objectively, I think it could have been much worse, but of course it is NOT in my favor (I knew there was no chance of that). He says that he disagrees with the diagnosis of "depression". His diagnosis is "adaptation problem" because I fear the potential dangers in regard to my work duties, this fear is unfounded, therefore in his opinion I do NOT NEED anti-depressants and that my PROBLEM will resolve on it's own. There is NO valid reason t

Guest

Guest

Nearing the conclusion

Last Friday I rec'd a letter from my union rep that the next arbitration hearing for my work situation will be held on December 6th. The reason that they needed a second hearing is because I have been very depressed since this whole nonsense and hassle in regards to my job. The problem is that they DO NOT want the trouble of relocating me so they are making it extremely difficult on me, not to mention my neurologist who attended the first hearing and got the "works". I feel nauseous just thin

Guest

Guest

My brain is improving

Remembering the time before my stroke, I felt very tired and at the end of my rope. I felt like my work as a nursing aide was killing my spirit and drawing my life's blood(!) I definately felt I was on the verge of a breakdown. When the stroke occured, a release valve went off at the same time. It seemed that through this event I could finally get the much needed REST I would have required to feel well again. The healing process after the stroke went well as I recovered my arm function wit

Guest

Guest

In my dreams

I'm no great blogger because when something is on my mind it takes up the whole space and I find it difficult to distance myself from a problem trying to get another perspective. Well at least I am concious of it. Almost every nite I either dream about going back to work or my ex-husband I've been divorced for 13 years. I was married very young and it lasted for 19 years. I still love this man BUT would not dream of going back to the life I have known with him. Yet I have been dreaming abo

Guest

Guest

Not in the best of shape

Ever since I've witnessed the arbitration hearing my depression has been deepening. I feel so disillusionned by all of this. The corporate bullies require SO MUCH from their employees and is a real tyrant when they want things 'their' way. I feel so naive that I thought that my 'truth and honesty' would win the arbitration! Ha! Their is corruption everywhere and I wouldn't be surprised if the arbitrator is really not impartial. I have no proof of that, I'll only know when this whole thing i

Guest

Guest

Tyranny of the corporate kind

During the hearing each side has their turn to present their case. Employer went first. The doctor swears he will tell the TRUTH like in a courtroom. Then he reads his report and his interpretation of the facts and reiterates his diagnosis. He stated at the time I had FULL range mobility of my arm which is NOT TRUE. He rehashed the same lies during the hearing. Now why do this? I have my own idea. They really grilled my neurologist. I was so tense but she answered their questions calm

Guest

Guest

Tomorrow IS the day

Tomorrow is the day for the arbitration. I am READY What I must keep in mind is: stay focused, be calm and answer the question, no more, no less. My side HAS all the EVIDENCE (medical records etc.) and my wonderful neurologist is going to BE there. Without her presence, even my medical proof would have been thrown to the dogs!!! This is what I call employer tyranny The victory will make it all worthwhile even if I've turned into an depressed insomniac temporarily  

Guest

Guest

Unknown territory

I am meeting with my union rep this Thursday. He is the one that is going to defend my case at the arbitration hearing the 19th. Almost every nite I dream about it when I sleep. Last nite I was at the hearing and the place was packed FULL of people (co-workers) and I was trying to find my neurologist but she founf me and stood next to me. She was holding my hand. I felt very reassured by her support. I don't how it will be at the heaaring. I'll probably get an idea on Thursday. I'm feeli

Guest

Guest

Life and Death

My most loved uncle died yesterday. I remember the fun times we had with this man, my mom's baby brother. He was funny, and had such a welcoming heart of gold. A very positive male figure image for me since my own father abandoned my sister and I and couldn't be bothered with us. My father died in 1988. My favorite uncle, you are SO going to be missed, not only by me but by the many people who had the chance to know you. I'm so sorry that your time on earth has ended and sad that circum

Guest

Guest

Blahhhsss

I feel VOID inside my head. There seems to be more blank space up there since the stroke. I'm not very comfortable with it but must live with it now. I have always been somewhat insecure. gosh I hate that feeling! I,m glad I have recovered so well from the stroke, just wish I felt better with my life. It is void and sterile

Guest

Guest

Wishing for a best friend

Is there a reason why I haven't been able to find one good personal friend? The last time I had one was in grade school I wish I could sense how other people perceive me. True I am introverted and maybe that makes people less likely to come forward. But still, they must see that I am kind and generous, caring. Being introspective must make me "boring". Awww shucks. It's just that since I do not have children I feel I am headed for a very lonely future, but then again I should know bette

Guest

Guest