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Confusion


socialwork555

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well, I just got back from OT, and I balled my eyes out there. My OT has noticed that I'm having a rough time recently, and she thought it valuable to talk about it. She said that it's normal to come to acceptance with disability, and healthy to get those feelings out. She said you can only stay motivated so long, and then sometimes you need a break. She told me to think about what I want to do, but that we can do less than three times per week. I need to get out and be with people, because that's what I thrive on.

 

It's really hard to accept at 31 that my bodies changed so dramatically in functioning. Life is unfair. I say it time and time again. I heard one tragedy after the other when i was a therapist. Life isn't always nice. You always think it's someone else who's gonna get a stroke; not you. And then you do........and then you spend time wondering what that means. And when you realize it, you're devastated by it. So how do you pick up the pieces?

 

And how long does it take to accept the deficits? It seems so big and overwhelming. And then compared to what others have been through it seems so small.

 

I know you all will say to work hard---but I'm just not there right now. My OT said I stayed motivated for a long time, but maybe I need a break to just live my life. And then I said, "what life." I don't know what my life is anymore. Confusion.

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You are just in a bad place right now. First suggestion is to go back and read MC's Stages of Grieving. This may shed some light on what you are feeling. While it does not offer any suggestions, it does let you know that you have to get through all of them. Maybe print it out and keep it handy as time goes on.

 

As a caregiver now 2 1/2 years in, I will share with you that Bruce has chosen to take a break. For the first 1 1/2 years, I controlled his therapies, first at home and then as an Outpatient. He was exposed to everything available to him. We paid privately for six months and also joined the Aqua therapy. It is free as long as you are an Outpatient. Come November 2010 Bruce decided he had had enough. We then paid for the pool, but he can go six days a week. We investigated the Baclofen pump to help with the over-toning and he had the trial.

 

He then spent the next 7 months sitting in a WC, in front of the TV. We worked on stuff here at home: bathroom, meals, laundry, cleaning and he still has to go to work two days a week plus the pool. Two weeks ago, on Sunday, he decided he wants to walk again. And yes he has been on antidepressants since about six months in.

 

Personally I think your OT has the right idea. Maybe it is time to take a break and focus on something else for a bit. Try some new stuff: maybe the movies once a week, go window shopping, the library. Maybe consider an on=line course, or even better, the local community college.

 

Bruce and I volunteer at a local animal shelter. There are some things I just expose him to because his answer to everything I suggest is always "no" so until he comes up with a suggestion of his own, we try my stuff.

 

The idea being that even if something doesn't grab you, just try it. You never know. If you are in an urban, just take a walk and see what's around, look into stores, shops, outdoor markets. Just get out.

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Yeah, I just can't take therapy anymore, now that i know that I'm not going to get my hand back......that was the hope of therapy. Now I'm just really sad, grieving. I can't count how many times I cry, but I always feel better. I'm thinking of all the the things I won't be able to do. Some of them I wouldn't do anyway. And some of them are just the basics.

 

I want to find some things to do, and make my own routine. But reaching out to others is a must, because I survive on social interaction. Even when I am depressed, I like to know that there are people out there. My OT suggested that I look in the newspaper, so maybe I'll do that. I just really would like to go back to work.

 

I can't do this same routine anymore, you know?

 

 

You are just in a bad place right now. First suggestion is to go back and read MC's Stages of Grieving. This may shed some light on what you are feeling. While it does not offer any suggestions, it does let you know that you have to get through all of them. Maybe print it out and keep it handy as time goes on.

 

As a caregiver now 2 1/2 years in, I will share with you that Bruce has chosen to take a break. For the first 1 1/2 years, I controlled his therapies, first at home and then as an Outpatient. He was exposed to everything available to him. We paid privately for six months and also joined the Aqua therapy. It is free as long as you are an Outpatient. Come November 2010 Bruce decided he had had enough. We then paid for the pool, but he can go six days a week. We investigated the Baclofen pump to help with the over-toning and he had the trial.

 

He then spent the next 7 months sitting in a WC, in front of the TV. We worked on stuff here at home: bathroom, meals, laundry, cleaning and he still has to go to work two days a week plus the pool. Two weeks ago, on Sunday, he decided he wants to walk again. And yes he has been on antidepressants since about six months in.

 

Personally I think your OT has the right idea. Maybe it is time to take a break and focus on something else for a bit. Try some new stuff: maybe the movies once a week, go window shopping, the library. Maybe consider an on=line course, or even better, the local community college.

 

Bruce and I volunteer at a local animal shelter. There are some things I just expose him to because his answer to everything I suggest is always "no" so until he comes up with a suggestion of his own, we try my stuff.

 

The idea being that even if something doesn't grab you, just try it. You never know. If you are in an urban, just take a walk and see what's around, look into stores, shops, outdoor markets. Just get out.

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Christian:

 

bad & good things happens with everyone, and as a human none of us are spared from it, but realizing your attitude towards circumstances will define your life. pity parties are part of post stroke journey but realizing its just negative thoughts & that can't rule on your life. Stroke already took lot from your life, so don't allow it to take more from your life. For me when I am feeling down focusing on things which I am still greatful for gets me out of my funk mood. For me I stroked at age 34 which left me paralysed on my left side & retired me from the job I loved. first few years were the hardest, but realizing how it affected my family who I loved the most I decided to pick up pieces of my life & go on. In my 7 year post stroke journey I realized happiness is a choice & some days are harder than others but atleast you have control over that choice. yes life is unfair sometimes & we don't have control over lot of things in life, but you defintely have control over how you will react to situation is your choice. So choose wisely & choose happiness. for me blogging & chatting with other survivors turned out to be very therupetic. It made me feel less alone in my journey. BTW having routine in life helps a lot. & yes its frustrating to not able to use both of your hands, but your hands are not you, there is more to you than just hands. having 2 hand is good, but I know you can still achieve almost everything with one hand. I know this since I have been doing it for past 7 years. In the begining it used to frustrate me not able to use both hands, & now I am proud to be able to accomplish almost everything with just one hand & right attitude.

 

hope you are feeling better today.

 

hugs,

Asha

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