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Family Meeting #2


Bethel

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Well, I went ahead and scheduled a second family meeting with Steve’s psychologist. It is happening tomorrow.

 

I have invited our son, my husband’s older son and his partner, and I also invited my brother in law and his wife.

 

Anyhow, it looks like my step son and his partner will be at tomorrow’s meeting. The brother in law and wife haven’t even responded to my invite so they might or might not be there.

 

Step son and partner are firmly in denial, and will say yes that Steve has dementia, but are militant about learning the first thing about what that actually MEANS. They have supported Steve’s wish to keep driving, and have repeatedly told him that I was (similar to BIL) trying to just control everything. Further, Step son and partner refuse to believe that Steve’s diet is key to preventing further strokes, and just today fed him a breakfast of eggs, cheese, and sausage! Step son’s partner also made a plan to take Steve to Canada without including me in the planning OR the trip! Well.. THAT plan was squashed…. Pretty sure THAT will come up in tomorrow’s meeting.

 

Brother in law and wife have been extremely toxic. To my face they pretended believe me a couple of months ago when I called and warned them of Steve’s impending dementia diagnosis. Instead of waiting for all the information and the official verified diagnosis they called Steve and ramped him up about how he doesn’t have dementia, and how I am evil and am just trying to “get everything and throw (Steve) out on the street”

 

Now, it is true that Steve and I were separated. But that was because of the way Steve has been treating me for the past few years – behaviors which were probably due to the early stages of his dementia. And it is true that I have a new partner in the picture. Nevertheless… I have ALWAYS been dedicated to Steve’s care, immediately after the obvious strokes he had two years ago and even more so now that he has vascular dementia. No one else has taken care of Steve. Not only that, but the idea that there is anything to “get” that I don’t already own is pure fantasy.

 

Frankly I hope Brother in Law and wife don’t show. That way I can say to their face that they ignored the invite and thus can’t participate at all in anything involving Steve unless I am included, since Steve’s safety is important and they have chosen not to learn of Steve’s condition and how it affects his behavior. (subtext that their behavior is toxic and they can go fly a kite for all I care)

 

I would be happy if step son and his partner didn’t show too…. but I don’t think that will happen. As it is there will be tension over the dementia diagnosis itself, the fact that I have moved back into the house, step son’s blaming of many things on his younger brother (dirty house, un-mowed lawn, etc) as if step son had jumped right in and helped…. (clue: he hasn’t! and he’s been around town MUCH longer than younger brother!)

 

Oh, and I fully expect to be told by step son and partner that I “can’t blame everything on the dementia” and that going to school to finish my degree was what caused Steve to say I left him… and I should not have expected people to think it was OK for me to try and get an education when my husband needed me. (yes, I have already heard these things before! That’s why I’m pretty certain they will crop up tomorrow.)

Oh, and at some point the very existence of my new partner will probably be thrown in my face as a reason I am a bad person and don’t know what I am doing taking care of Steve. This new partner has kept me from killing myself when things were at their worst (literally). He is also working on the house to fix up things that step son could have done but can’t be bothered to do. He is ON BOARD with the things Steve needs, and is willing to support me through whatever I need. So his existence is actually a plus for Steve, and Steve has said exactly that.

 

In any case this is the last family meeting I will send out invites to. Anyone who doesn’t show will automatically be assumed to not want to help.

 

So, I guess, advice is probably just to roll with things…. But I could use a little bit of luck if anyone wants to send some my way.

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I have been reading of your hardships with the knuckleheads in your life but I didn't have anything helpful to say. I truly hope your meeting brings some resolution to the hassles they are giving you. I think its great that you are in a sense telling them to 'put up or shut up'. good luck.

 

Jamie

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Four leaf clover coming your way. You could certainly use some luck. And getting some support from the people in the family would be nice. I can see it is a complicated issue but you are doing your best and people should acknowledge that.

 

I hope the meeting is fruitful.

 

Sue.

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Beth: I am so sorry. But I am so proud of you and your willingness to include family. So, lets take this one step at a time.

 

Your choice to return home and accept responsibility for your husband is a positive. Kudos to your new friend who is there only to support you.

 

Let the step son and partner take Steve away. Honey, 911 is just a call away. I would say go for it, pack his bags and plan on a night of a hot bath, glass of wine and clean pjs. You go kids and you just might get what you are asking for-lol. I would have him packed, at the door with everything he needs: Depends, bed pads, lotions, medications separated into times given and why he takes them with a "don't call me, just let me know when you hit the ER!"

 

This is so hard for people to understand and they do not want to accept that some freedom in the face of safety must be taken away, nor are they willing to accept the responsibility for that. Regardless of separation, significant others, new lives: you are his wife.

 

Explain to them all in the meeting, that you are willing to let Steve divorce you-provided they can find a Doctor who is willing to testify he is mentally competent and you will walk away. They can have the estate, as long as a trust is set up for Steve's care, which he will need; a POA is assigned who is different than the Executor of the Trust and go to town people! If they can not find a Doctor who declares Steve mentally competent, you will accept a State Assigned Conservator. That will put a damper on things. Sure let him drive around on your responsibility-your home, business, accounts for your children. Steve messes up, all that is in jeopardy.

 

Take the high road honey. Be willing to turn everything over, as long as you stress the consequences. Maybe then life will go forward with help and support for Steve and his best interests in mind. Best, Debbie

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