We have had the best weather for the last several days. Temperatures fell dramatically from the high heat and humidity of summer over night. But for these few days it has been warm and clear. I love being able to leave the windows open and hear the night sounds. Or just sit in the slices of sun through the venetian blinds. It gives me time to calm my mind as I grapple with some heavy decisions.

I finally heard back from the state’s ombudsman today. It has been months now that I have been trying to get input into what can be done about Dick’s care. Today she apologized saying she had to take Tuesdays and Wednesdays off in order to take care of her father. I felt like yelling, “I don’t give a crap about your dad what about my Dick!” Actually truth is I do care about her father – likely more than she cares about her job. I have a soft spot in my heart for these men whose wives and daughters drop whatever they are doing to care for them. And I would think less of her as a person if she didn’t care for her dad. I just feel so helpless at times.

The call today did confirm that there are not any nursing facilities within a reasonable distance where I can transfer Dick. The state is really pushing this program to return nursing home patients back home. So I guess I will start the application process and see what happens. Of course when my family finds out they will all have a fit.

I have been out of the hospital for two weeks now and have still not been well enough to drive. Interestingly enough, I had my first appointment (since hospitalization) with my massage therapist. Within minutes she expressed concern saying something just did not feel right. I am often amazed at her uncanny ability to find the sore spots that need work. She says she can “feel” the energy in my body. Sounds kinda new age mysticism –ish to me but she does have an interesting connection that cannot be denied. Anyhow, I guess my “energy” did not feel right at all today. Bottom line is that there is indeed something that is making me ill and mainstream medicine cannot figure it out or give me a clue what to do about it.

Thus the main reason that my family does not want me to bring Dick home – they are concerned that my health will worsen. I honestly do appreciate the love that my family has for me. I just wish that they could understand that I would actually be willing to give my life up if necessary for Dick. Hmm.. maybe they do understand that and that is what they are afraid of. I do know that if I bring Dick home, I will be on my own. So I have needed all the calming breezes that have come through my open windows these last few days.

Since I have not been driving I have not seen much of Dick. I have had to rely on the phone. Dick has been amazingly patient with it all. He gets so confused at times why I am not there and it is like he has to hear I am sick for the first time over and over. Years ago a friend passed away right after I had surgery. The medication I was on caused me to forget her death and I had to relive that moment of grief over and over for nearly a week. So, I can only imagine what stress this is causing Dick. Usually by the time our phone conversation is over he seems to be able to reach that point of understanding and patience.

One thing that I did notice a couple days ago though is that Dick forgot who he was talking to half way through the conversation. This is a new dip in his cognitive abilities which is a reminder that his is a progressive illness. I don’t know how much longer he will be able to have phone conversations at all. Another think to consider when making plans.