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Attitude


MaryJo

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Dan's attitude has been horrible this week. He's usually very easy going and loves to joke and make people laugh. He's been grumpy but I figure that everyone has grumpy days occasionally. Jeff took him to rehab on Friday so I could run some errands. When they got home Jeff said it was horrible. Apparently he was cursing, yelling, and he called the therapist stupid. His shoulder is sublexed, there's about a 1" gap. On Wed OT asked if anyone had ever taped his shoulder to try and help the pain; no one has. So Friday she taped his shoulder. He kept asking her if it was going to help. Obviously she couldn't give him a definitive Yes or No, just that it helps some people. He is incredibly literal...he wanted a Yes or No so when she couldn't give him one he called her stupid in a very loud voice. It went downhill from there. We had a long talk when he got home. I told him that it was not acceptable for him to curse and talk to people like that. Of course, I was the bad guy because I always take "their" side. Then today we were in a store and on our way out he informed the girl at the checkout that he wanted to report their automatic doors to the manager because they closed on him (they didn't) and then he told her the place was a dump. We had another talk. I was so aggravated I couldn't see straight.

 

Sometimes I get so incredibly tired of the whole thing. I keep reminding myself that it's not him, it's the stroke, the damage that happened to his brain, but does that make it ok??? In my mind it does not make it ok. How many times can I shrug my shoulders and apologize for him?

 

For some reason this week, according to Dan, I can do nothing right, I'm the meanest person in the world, he never gets anything he wants or does anything he wants. He gets tired of me telling him what to do. I get it. But there are times I HAVE to tell him what to do. Like when he forgets to put the foot rests back on the wheelchair and then tries to transfer, when we're leaving the store and he is so busy looking to his right he runs into a curb, when he's driving his chair through the house and, again, jams the sofa into the wall and knocks over the lamp. The list goes on and on and on. Most times I can just laugh and walk away. When I know he won't get hurt I sometimes let him do things like get stuck in a corner, run into things, bang his knee on the table, try to eat with no dentures.

 

I can only imagine what he's going through, what he's thinking and feeling. All I can do is continue to pray for patience.

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Mary Jo,

That sounds like William. I haven't put him back into therapy,,,because i am afraid that he will be very mean to the therapists. He will apologize next visit. But, it is still bad.

 

You are right...How long do I do this and how often? Welll, We fortunately do not have to suffer from the stroke itself. But, it is almost worst. We know what happened and how it has affected our spouses.

 

William will have miserable times and then after a stern talk from me will realize that he was wrong.

 

I am so glad that Dan is home ...

 

Breathe in deeply and pray.

 

Ruth

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MaryJo: do you think he is just feeling his oats? He is in his own home, has his own things, no longer is one of how many honey, 100? To try to push or be an individual in a SNF is impossible. You and I both know he probably figured that one out quickly. He may also be a bit frightened as to where you go from here. So many of his days were so structured and now there is a freedom, but also that sense of routine is all new. His daily schedule is totally changed and you know how well they respond to change-LOL.

 

One other thing. I don't know how your seasons change, but Bruce is extremely sensitive to natural light changes and full moons. Always was, but now with Daylight Savings Time, he is awake again at 4am, when he went through the whole summer until 6am. He doesn't care what the clock says. This makes him out of sorts, more tired and less motivated for a few weeks. Just a thought. Better week-Debbie

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MaryJo, from my perspective Ray was always self-centered, marriage and family changed that a little as I expected him to look out for us too but the first stroke changed him back to "Me - No.1" and that was 21 years ago!

 

I always think that journey into self that happens when you body breaks down, that is essentially part of survival skills, kind of lingers on. This makes the relationship unequal, me caring for Ray but Ray not really caring about me. Somewhere along the line I stopped expecting that it would reverse.

 

Maybe with us caring so much we expect a greater love returned? A wise man told me that while marriage should be 50/50 it is often 20/80 and still manages to survive.

 

(((hugs))) from Sue.

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