Marriage
I need someone to talk to and my children are not interested. I am not blaming them. After all how many of us truly comprehend that our parents are people with needs until we were a bit older. There is therefore a void in my life in which I walk with people around me but alone. In these times I miss my husband the most. He was always attuned to my day to day ups and downs. I like to believe that is the way I have been in return but I was never as good at it as Dick.
When you are unwell for a long period of time there are days that are better than others. Sometimes they are so slight that they are easily overlooked by other people. I experience this all the time with Dick. The other day I visited him and his mind was clear and we both were in high humor. We laughed and joked and had a great time. A couple days later he was more confused. We had our initial meeting with a state social worker and it took me over an hour of explaining to him what it was all about. During the interview Dick had no idea what was going on but I had to admire his brilliant ability to react and respond in all the right places so the social worker was oblivious to his confusion. Likewise if I mention Dick’s state of mind to staff they often look at me puzzled because he seems always the same to them. It is the subtle nuances I guess that only I can see.
Having been so sick myself for some time I guess my children look at me through the same eyes as Dick’s nursing home staff. They do not see that the last two day I was strong enough to go shopping. But today I am watching Science Fiction TV show from the 80s from my post on the sofa. When I say to my daughter, “I’m not feeling well today” her response is “You never feel well.” What she says is true but she doesn’t understand the pleasure I get when I can get up to accomplish something and the disappointment when I cannot.
I recently watched the movie Let’s Dance with Susan Sarandon performing as the wife. I loved watching all the ballroom dancing but what will make me buy the movie for my own is a monologue that Susan’s character gives when asked why people marry. This is what she says:
”We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness'."
This quote moves me on so many levels. It explains that void I feel from not having Dick around and aware. It warms my heart as I realize the precious truth of that invisible band in a good marriage. Well, even in a bad one. Why else am I watching Star Trek – a favorite of my late first husband? Our marriage ended in divorce because of abuse but there were parts of him that were good a part that loved SciFi. It also challenges me to not let the clinical caregiver take over the relationship I still have with Dick as his wife. Above all I am grateful that I have this wonderful bond with a loving man who may not be able to remember my name but will proudly tell everyone I am his wife and consistently prove his unfailing love.
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