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Marriage


RLT

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I need someone to talk to and my children are not interested. I am not blaming them. After all how many of us truly comprehend that our parents are people with needs until we were a bit older. There is therefore a void in my life in which I walk with people around me but alone. In these times I miss my husband the most. He was always attuned to my day to day ups and downs. I like to believe that is the way I have been in return but I was never as good at it as Dick.

 

When you are unwell for a long period of time there are days that are better than others. Sometimes they are so slight that they are easily overlooked by other people. I experience this all the time with Dick. The other day I visited him and his mind was clear and we both were in high humor. We laughed and joked and had a great time. A couple days later he was more confused. We had our initial meeting with a state social worker and it took me over an hour of explaining to him what it was all about. During the interview Dick had no idea what was going on but I had to admire his brilliant ability to react and respond in all the right places so the social worker was oblivious to his confusion. Likewise if I mention Dick’s state of mind to staff they often look at me puzzled because he seems always the same to them. It is the subtle nuances I guess that only I can see.

 

Having been so sick myself for some time I guess my children look at me through the same eyes as Dick’s nursing home staff. They do not see that the last two day I was strong enough to go shopping. But today I am watching Science Fiction TV show from the 80s from my post on the sofa. When I say to my daughter, “I’m not feeling well today” her response is “You never feel well.” What she says is true but she doesn’t understand the pleasure I get when I can get up to accomplish something and the disappointment when I cannot.

 

I recently watched the movie Let’s Dance with Susan Sarandon performing as the wife. I loved watching all the ballroom dancing but what will make me buy the movie for my own is a monologue that Susan’s character gives when asked why people marry. This is what she says:

 

”We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness'."

 

This quote moves me on so many levels. It explains that void I feel from not having Dick around and aware. It warms my heart as I realize the precious truth of that invisible band in a good marriage. Well, even in a bad one. Why else am I watching Star Trek – a favorite of my late first husband? Our marriage ended in divorce because of abuse but there were parts of him that were good a part that loved SciFi. It also challenges me to not let the clinical caregiver take over the relationship I still have with Dick as his wife. Above all I am grateful that I have this wonderful bond with a loving man who may not be able to remember my name but will proudly tell everyone I am his wife and consistently prove his unfailing love.

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Wow, you said so much that has my already over filled brain trying to think of what I want to say.

Your writing is so eloquent and touched my heart.

I am lucky enough to be be able to read your words aloud to my husband....well almost able because I broke Into tears while doing so. While it is my mom who had a stroke it is my husband who supports me and is always there for me emotionally. Recently I am not as good at being present and feel more like your daughter in responding to his needs.

Indeed I also realize the precious truth of that invisible band in a good marriage. And today my band is truly invisible because I lost my wedding band somewhere probably out in the cold of shopping yesterday. Oddly enough I am sad but not as upset as I would normally be...my band can be invisible, it is okay because I have my best friend and soul mate.

I am so sorry you do not get to share your everyday moments with Dick. I am praying that each day you have more strength and are able to accomplish the things you set out to do.

Your life has not gone unoticed because of Dick, and Dick's life because of you. I am certain that each life is precious and meaningful irregardless of whether we are married or single. Our lives just do not go unwitnessed...there is not a day that goes by that anyone of us doesn't touch someone's life in some way, big or small. But having that special "witness" makes it all the better an we can e thankful for having experienced this, for not everyone does!

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Ruth: I too was very touched by your writings. Sometimes I think that is why my posts and blogs are so long. Just need someone to talk to, to listen.

 

I also will not fall into that "caregiver" category. Bruce is my love and my strength and I remind myself of that every day. We have a special bond and I will not let stroke destroy that.

 

Bruce is also a very good listener and read of people. He would be the same as Dick. Spent months with a psychologist and insisted everything was just fine. Even she finally realized what he was doing. How could everything be just fine, you just had a stroke.

 

Not only take pleasure yourself in your accomplishments, but smile, knowing, Dick would be very proud. I do that a lot and it helps. While Bruce can not grasp everything I am feeling, I know deep inside he is proud and supportive of anything I chose to do. Always was, still is.

 

Make the holidays simple and try not to overdo. Rest when you need to. You have a lot coming up and need to be at your best and strongest. Go easy and good week, Debbie

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