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A CALM AND THANKFUL TIME AT CHRISTMAS


AZ Leah

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I can’t believe it’s been 2 months yesterday since Jerry passed away. When Jerry died my mind was so confused that I couldn’t even sort out what to do and I prayed that someday I could talk without crying. I thought I might even end up in a psyche ward; I know it is only natural to have been overwhelmed and overwrought. However, now I feel I have been given another miracle as I am absolutely amazed at how calm and peaceful I feel right now. I think of Jerry of how he was and not how he was when he passed. Every morning and night I pray for God’s guidance and for Jerry’s spirit to help me know to do next and when to wait and the courage to make it through the day. It certainly isn’t due to anything I have personally done so I know it is God’s grace.

 

A few weeks ago I had my hair washed and the stylist asked about Christmas and I started crying. The next day I sitting in my living room looking at the table where I always set up the nativity set. A thought came to me that at least I could have my caregiver set it up because it was God who saved me after my stroke and the same God who allowed Jerry to die without pain. After it was set up a sense of peace and calm came over me and I had my boxes with Christmas ornaments and lights brought into the house. My niece who just moved into a house with her 2 year old and the father of her baby came over and I gave most everything to her. I went through boxes rather rapidly to pull out a few things I wanted to keep that Jerry and I had bought on trips. I was calm and didn’t cry as I did this chore which before then I couldn’t bear to face.

 

I also have pondered the turns my life has taken and am grateful for everything in my life I was able to accomplish and places Jerry and I went before my stroke. I. I do believe in divine providence and I believe everything that has happened has been for an unknown reason. I do not try to analyze or say “why” anymore but take things as they come. Of course, my type A personality has been hard to control since my stroke. Whatever comes across my path I think I should (I hate that word) do NOW. But, I have learned to set boundaries and pray that when the right time comes that I get some sort of sign. I have learned that NO is a complete sentence and I have had to evoke that recently because I don’t need anyone new in my life right now. Due to my limitations and fatigue, I find it very difficult if not almost impossible to just keep up with family and old friends. I have received some cards addressed to Mr. and Mrs. from people who don’t know Jerry died, some of which we hadn’t seen or talked to for 30-40 years. I made a folder of things to look at after January 1 and it’s getting fairly full. I did call one of Jerry’s cousins he hadn’t seen since he was a boy to tell him of Jerry’s passing. I had a nice conversation with both he and his wife and I am sending the obituary, eulogy and picture of Jerry, his mother (then 97, now 99) and myself.

 

Tomorrow a friend who has been with me through thick and thin is coming over and neither of us will be alone. She is bringing Chinese food and we’re going to watch movies. On a medical note, I finally am out of my brace and I saw my neurologist last week and had an x-ray taken. After he looks at it he’ll order a MRI only if the x-ray is questionable. I also have my first out-patient neuro PT on January 12; so I feel I am on my way back to better balance, strength, health and driving!!

 

I’m looking forward to a new “normal” when I can join chat on occasion and blog more frequently. I pray for the Strokeboard people every day. I wish everyone a joyous peaceful day and a new year full of hope and recovery.

Hugs and blessings to you all, Leah

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Leah, you write so calmly here. I am glad you felt able to put out the nativity scene, and sorting through the decorations and giving some to your neice is a great idea as she, her baby and her partner will cherish them as you did.

 

You know it is early days yet and there is still so much grief in your body and mind to deal with but it sounds as if you are doing fine.

 

(((hugs))) from Sue.

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