I have been trying for the past half hour to get my daughter to get out of bed..well wake up because she fell asleep on the living room floor again! She is home for the weekend with the goal of digging out her bedroom. She has the largest room in the house and it is almost like an episode of Horders! She is a beautiful and talented college student so is rarely home and her room has become a storage room of dumped crafts, clothes and memorabilia. Then she had a cat that lived in that room nights and well, unhappily has left her own message of what she thinks of sleeping alone! I want to scrub the carpet so the goal this weekend is to just get down to carpet level. I still need to have a realtor look at the place SOON.

While post holidays found me exhausted, I had been so happy to spend so much time with my family and especially Dick. Then of course I spent three days caring for my dad in the hospital. It was inevitable that my health took a nose dive again. This time I just did NOT want to go to the ER but after taking my medication my 18 year old “mother” called them anyway. Since my doctors have assured me that these episodes will continue to happen the rest of my life I have instructed my family not to call 911 unless I approve it because it does not help the situation to be dragged into the hospital. We had our first snow storm that night and in typical Delaware reaction to a couple inches of the white stuff, half the hospital shut down and my discharge was goofed up. I spent a day and a half in ER then was admitted so the floor doctors could discharge me!

I HATE texting. I always have but the ability to text just about destroyed my family that weekend. Things got said in anger and others taken out of context. With four people texting me at the same moment I found my answers about five statements behind and to the wrong girl. Youngest took it the hardest because I was mad she did not honor my wishes. Big sisters came to her rescue. On and on until the knee jerk reactions of said 18 year old became dangerous. The dust is settling but my baby has moved out of the house. It was a dramatic move but she rarely backs down even when she realizes her mistake. With her she took three of our cats and my entire checking account. I have my cat back and her sister’s which makes me very happy. But would you believe I came home two nights ago and the 18 year old’s fish had died! What timing! Why on my watch?

So you can see the frame of mind I was in the night I got home from the hospital. A couple hours later the nursing home called to say I had to come in and get Dick to cooperate. I explained that I had just gotten out of the hospital but they still insisted. I looked at my ice incrusted car and called the supervisor. They still insisted. So fearing they would send him to the hospital I dug out the car and with overnight bag in hand went to care for Dick. I was grumpy and even made Dick give up his hoard of teaspoons taken from his meal trays for a couple of months!! Dick is again without a roommate so I just pushed the bed next to Dick’s and spent the night. He was so precious in his care through the night. My little blanket would leave me uncovered and he spent the night pulling it back into place. Since I knew he had not slept much I waved away intruders coming in to “care” for him at 6 and 7 AM. When breakfast arrived though, I made him get up.

But then it happened. Dick uses two sweeteners in his coffee every meal then hoards the third. OK I am tired, in pain, and sick of heart so when Dick wanted the sugar packet put in the bottom drawer I refused. There was a wheelchair and a chair in the way and pulling that stuff just wasn’t in my abilities. Suddenly in Dick’s world that packet was the MOST important thing in the world. He got mad because I would not cooperate. And when I tried to reason with him it only got worse. In my blabbering I asked him what was more important: sugar packet or my pain. Dick’s response: sugar packet. I whigged out. Says little for me personally doesn’t it but there it is. For some reason having the sugar packet the most important just when all my kids plus my parents (parents took poor little waif in) were all mad at me just didn’t feel too good. I went home.

So now I am struggling to bring things back into line. We are still trying to determine if MFP is a good match for Dick. My night in the nursing home brought home to me the reality of living with Dick. He can still care and try so hard to watch out for me but then that dementia can kick in and he becomes angry and unreasonable. Can I live with that? If he comes home I will have support but a major bulk of the responsibility will be mine. What if he falls when no one else is there to pick him up? Do I leave him there until help comes or damage my back even more by trying to move him? So far I do not have any answers for myself.

The other question has been whether to keep or sell the house. Modifications would need to be done to the house which would be covered by MFP. But what about the expense and my inability to care for the yard. Yet my house is my last asset. In today’s market it I likely will not get my money out of it. If I hold on things will likely change. These things always cycle.

Decisions decisions. I have made bad ones in the past and therefore do not trust my judgment. I have put myself behind the eight ball so to speak because I try to give good things for my girls. Phones for three of them and a car for one are what I bought this past year with the agreement that they would pay their monthly payments. They have not. I excuse them realizing the bind that college girls can be in but now that my youngest is taking her death benefit check from our resources I am feeling the squeeze even tighter.

To make me feel even guiltier, I had to sell some of Dick’s things this week. He was a man with exquisite and expensive tastes. He had a fortune tied up in jewelry. He does not even remember that he has it and even looks blank at some of the pieces I have shown him. Still I feel the dirty bird by selling them. But it makes it possible to pay the back utilities and provide some grocery money. The mortgage company is working to lower my interest rate so maybe it will be more affordable to keep the house. I do the best I can.

Last night I finally got my cat and my older daughter’s cat back. Happy DANCE!! But my college girl has decided to allow the youngest to keep her cat after this weekend. A good thing for me. Two cats is enough for me to care for. The dust is settling. Lyssa is moving out for sure so I do not have to worry about the constant clash between her and Dick so there are good things coming of it all. I have kept much of the changes from Dick out of simplicity. I will face that next week after kid #4 is back to school.

Now begins a new life. Unless Dick comes home, this will be the first time in my life I have lived by myself. Not too sure how I feel about that. The little house seems to me to keep getting bigger and bigger. It is a ranch with three bedrooms but I also have a finished basement. I am hoping to get the basement to the point I can forget it except for laundry. That has been teenager zone so it needs work. And the bathroom will have to have some attention. But I am taking it a day at a time and somehow surviving.

Ruth