Last night was taxes night. Sam drove us over to our accountant's house (he is also a family friend), since he lies 45 minutes away and I should not be driving that distance after dark. We passed the evening pleasantly, getting the taxes done and having dinner, then he drove me home. That is when the trouble started.

Sam asked to come in and use the bathroom. I said ok. After that, let's just say that he took fulladvantage of my vulnerability. After the fact, as I lay exposed and sobbing, he tells me "well, this was a big mistake. I shouldn't have seduced you," and abruptly left. I felt like I hade been used and abandoned all over again.

I called Garion and Jeanna and told them what happened. Jeanna called Laney and Kevin, and the 4 of them came over to the hous e.

Along the way, Sam called Garion and admitted everything to him. Jeanna says that she has never seen Garion express more rage than after he spoke to me and while speaking to Sam. Garion "ripped Sam a new one" over the whole thing.

Laney and Kevin got to me before Garion and Jeanna, and let me sob into their shoulders. I felt so stupid and so used at the same time. They were also furious at Sam for taking advantage of the situation. After all of the kids got to hte house, they stayed to comfort me until I was finally able to fall asleep.

Today, Garion and Jeanna came back over to the house for an inpromptu "movie day" to try to help me feel better. Laney and Kevin came by for a while to check on me too. Logan doesn't seem to understand what Sam did that was wrong, but we have figured that it is because he is only 18 and has doesn't understand. He will, in time, but he has to do some more matureing first.

This morning, this is the text conversation that took place after Sam sent me an "appology;"

Sam: I am so sorry

Me: You take advantage of me, and you don't even manage to recognize that this "all-about-you" attitude is exactly what upsets me. You don't even stop to think about how the things you do will affect me.

Sam: Again I am sorry. I can't seem to do anything right by you. That's why I gave you what you asked with the car. I admit I f@$&ed up. I won't hurt you again. Once again if you are hurt or screwed over, let me know I'll try and help. I'm sorry I hurt you

Me: I'm hurt. You used me last night. You made me feel like there may be hope for us, then you slammed the door on that and left me feeling taken advantage of and abandoned all over again. Now, all you offer is "I'm sorry." How would you feel if it were you in my place? "I'm sorry" doesn't even begin to make up for that. What you did was callous and selfish and "I'm sorry" will never change that.

Sam: I know it won't

Me: This callous and selfish behavior is exactly what sets me off, but you never stopped to look at anything other than I was upset and decided it had to be that I was not taking my medications. Another callous and selfish thing to do, denying any responsibility for the situation, which is exactly why no counsiling in the world will make a bit of difference.

After my last reply, he has been silent.

I let all of the kids read the thread. They all agree that I had every right to let Sam know that is exactly how I felt and thet he "deserved the tongue-lashing" that was given him in that thread. To be honest, even knowing that my feelings are valid and that my words were not over the top makes little change in how I am left feeling.

I doubt this wound will heal any time soon.