This has been an odd day. Not and off-day or an on-day but odd. I think it is emblematic of the changes which have taken place in my head over the last month and a half. Two months ago I was in the hospital. Right after that my youngest moved out. At first I was sure that my whole world had fallen apart. I had never lived alone before and was convinced that I would be lonely and that I would miss my baby. I was in the middle of other major life changing decisions but decided I needed to give myself time to heal both physically and emotionally. So, I gave myself the months of February and March off. I cut back on my visits to Dick to 2 to 3 times a week and determined that I would not make any major decisions. In the end the unexpected happened. I have gotten much stronger physically and been able to tackle tasks around the house that were weighing me down. Most surprisingly is the emotional healing which has taken place. I found out that I really REALLY like living alone! Without anyone around for me to worry about I have been calmer and actually have begun to get reacquainted with myself. In the past when I had a day when I had to just stop because of the pain, I felt guilty; a guilt reinforced by the demands of my children. But today I have accomplished nothing and I am good with that!

It is amazing how things have come together without me running around worrying all the time. With the girls all gone, I have undertaken the task of deep cleaning the basement in doing so I have been able to put my pain in its place. I still have it but it is not calling the shots. I have gotten stronger and I no longer am limited to the number of trips up and down the steps I can make. One day was dedicated to replacing the electrical receptacles and light sockets. That meant crawling on the floor and standing on stools. I was again doing the type of projects that have brought the most satisfaction in the past. The reason it worked is because I did not place a time restraint on the project. It was a job that should have only taken a few hours but giving it a whole day was OK. I could leave the mess and there was no one to fuss at me about it either.

I had a phone plan that covered three of my girls as well as my mother. Of course I didn’t often get any contributions to the phone fund so in spite of some of the early termination fees I cancelled all the phones and went with a GoPhone. I still get everything I had before but I am only paying $50. a month instead of $250.00. What a relief! To sweeten it more, I got enough from selling back my smartphone to pay for two thirds the cost of a new washer and dryer.

What has really been exciting is getting involved in a new church. I have always felt guilty for not attending the church that I grew up in but since these months were only temporary I gave myself permission to visit another church. Without any kids in the house I no longer feel that I have to make my choice based on whether or not the kids like the church. It has turned out that I have felt so much fellowship with these new people that I see my old concerns for the silliness they are. I have talked with the leadership of my old church and come to find out they agree with me! You see the current pastor at that church needed to retire a long time ago and is dragging the whole church down. They all see it and while we all hope and pray for great things to happen in that congregation I need to be where I feel I can have fellowship now.

Then there is Dick. I have been rather strict with myself about visits. At first this was really hard because I am used to being at the nursing home daily. But I get so frustrated when I am there that I often felt like I was stepping into a boxing ring whenever I walked through the doors. I needed the break but I felt badly that Dick would pay the price if I was not there. As it has turned out that hasn’t happened either. The nursing home has had a HUGE shake up and there are few familiar faces around. The people that I liked best have been promoted and the whole atmosphere has changed.

Dick himself has travelled further down the dementia road but that may even have been a good thing. He no longer seems to know how many days it has been since I was last there. He is always excited to see me and our visits have been so much more positive. I am not running around chasing down people to fix things either so we have time just to enjoy being together. I am told by the staff that Dick has become much more cooperative and that he is more content. I know that I don’t find him sitting is puddles of pee or unshowered these days so I feel he must be more comfortable.

He has yet another new roommate. I rarely see this guy because he tries to get up all the time so they keep him where they can see him. Therefore Dick and I have been able to go back to reading books again. As long as I can show Dick that I have indeed finished a chapter in the book, he is content to let me leave when the time comes. There is nothing worse than having him beg me not to leave.

Cognitive change is always strange. While Dick is having more difficulties remembering certain things he seems to have improved in other areas. For the last year I have battled with him over the heat in his room. He would turn the heat on high and it felt like a slow cooker in there. I had tried all sorts of ways of controlling this from unplugging the heater to removing the control knob. He just plugged the thing back in and then tore it apart to reach the part that the knob turns! But he has stopped all that of late and yesterday I found he had opened his windows before I came in. He was quite proud of himself for that!

March is almost over though and then my spoil Ruth days will be done. At that time I need to start making decisions on our future. I have been working with the bank and I am hoping that I will be able to come up with a way of staying in my house longer. So the big decision is whether or not to bring Dick back home. I have been working with Money Follows the Person (MFP) for some time. They are supposed to cover expenses for him to have in home care that would equal the level of care he is receiving in the nursing home.

At first it seemed obvious that this was a good thing for Dick and me. As time has gone on I am not as sure. My new found freedom and contentment is not something I want to completely give up. And then things always seem to look better on paper than they do in real life. The transition coordinator is supposed to provide the information and options to make this happen. As with all our government workers it seems, she has a huge task load and is more than happy to tell me to do her job. I have lived with in home help coming in and it is always risky. While many of the home health aides are really terrific I have had a lot who do home health because they have been fired from nursing homes or are looking for a position where they can sit and do nothing. I have had a few that have actually frightened me. Then there are the time schedules that don’t necessarily fit our lifestyle. Day Care sounds good until you realize you have to be up at 5 AM to get Dick ready for the day when we are NOT morning people! Again it is a trade off of one set of difficulties for another.

There is always the knowledge that even if I do bring Dick home it will not likely be permanent. Dementia is progressive. Dick will require more and more care as time goes by. If he is settled in the nursing home ½ mile away now, it may be kinder than having to go through that whole business of leaving home again. And there is no promise that I could get him in a facility so easy to get to the next time.

I have come to realize that there is no single “right” answer. Yesterday a friend suggested that I go ahead and bring Dick home just for six months. That way it doesn’t feel like a permanent decision. I know that is mental games but sometimes that works with this brain! Today that sounds like a good idea. Tomorrow or the next I will come up with a different perspective and that will make sense!

Along with all the epiphanies which I have had this month is the realization that it has been quite a while since I had that ache for “my Dick”. How many times have I cried “I just want my husband back” and felt that tearing feeling of anger and loss because there is a new Dick. I will always miss my dear one but I am content with the man he is now. No, it wasn’t “supposed” to be this way but it has been this way for so long that I have gotten used to it. I hope that this will be an encouragement to wives and husbands who are still mourning their pre-stroke spouse.

So I will just wait to see what the future brings. Girls will be coming home from school for break and warm days will turn to hot. I am hoping to be able to cultivate this feeling on contentment so that it carries me through whatever happens next. Contentment does not mean that we never feel down or disappointed but rather an acknowledgement that life is not a big crisis to be avoided; a trip of ups and downs to be taken one step at a time.