It's so hard shouldering your own life as well as the burdens of another. Bless you and the others who do. I'm so glad you got some time for you.

Jamie

Whoa, you are so right about heaven being a few hours to yourself. I can't even go get my hair cut without taking Ray along. I had a nuclear meltdown last night, I'm ashamed to say. Just a verbal flow of lava from the volcano of my emotions. And all it took was two people, both calling me three times each within 12 hours, for what I decided were their own selfish purposes. My Mom to rave about all the fun she's having, my neice is getting married today (very short notice, but that's how she is) and Mom is hosting the European guests and in her glory. I'm guessing it's because it's our 35th anniversary Tuesday and I always imagined I'd be on a plane to Paris, or at least a big blow out at the country club to celebrate. Now I can't even make it 5 hours upstate to be with my family. Of course I figured this out after the fact, when the phone rang for the third time I exploded and yelled, I don't want to hear any more happy news! I selfishly wanted everyone to realize how hard it is to take care of everything myself, and share my sadness.

Then a former customer (I lost my job back in Sept due to Ray's illness) left three or four messages, asking me to do him a favor just like the old days. He wants me to drive 45 minutes each way to Restaurant Depot, spend an hour there shopping for him, and to run it out in the opposite direction to Montauk (I used to be out on business twice a week at least, but haven't been since October). The trip out there is at least another hour and a half each way. And he says he will pay me for my time!! No amount of money would be worth it. Again I am furious, but is it just because I lost my wonderful job of 20 years in such a rotten way? One call no problem, but he kept calling and leaving messages while I built up steam.

I screamed and yelled, everyone wants to use me, nobody wants to help me, blah blah wah wah wah. Ray was so understanding, agreeing with every word, and I managed to get it out of my system and finally psychoanalyze it too. I am working so hard on getting someone in to help us, we've been totally on our own for a year now, but the things I'm reading here lately are making me think it's not going to make my life as perfect as I'm dreaming!! I'll still have way to much to do, especially if I can find another job which I will eventually have to. All the stuff Ray used to do, and I took for granted, take up half my day now. Yard work, repairs, I try to do as much myself as I can. Then all the trips and calls to those medical, therapy and goverment agencies. How do we do it? It's a wonder we break down only once in awhile and not permanently.

Mary Jo,

Fair enough. YOu needed the meltdown. If you need to then you need to....let it explode.

I sometimes get that feeling...but like you it passes. But, yes life if overwhelming post stroke.

It does get tiring to keep everything going by yourself.

Ruth

Meltdowns are really not that bad. I used to try to keep them from erupting but I finally realized that the bad part was the stuff before the meltdown and that rant or good cry was really a way of letting some steam out of the pressure cooker. After a meltdown I can move on. All those trips and forms and silly rules and demanding family do get us down. It is harder to do it on your own. And no, not all the problems disappear when you finally have help coming in. It seems that you just exchange one set of responsibilities with another. BUT I still think that getting help and getting BEFORE you can't pick yourself up again is essential.

Ruth

Mary Jo and all: I have my outside help locked up, as you all know. And was given a gift this week of the old caregiver being in town for two weeks and able to give me even more time. Know what? Mary Beth looked at my list for next week and said "are you nuts?" She said all you did was take the extra hours Jen is giving you and added more stuff to your own list. I know, I do it to myself. She crossed everything off my Friday list-except the Doctors appointment for me and added hairdresser, massage-if allowed and circled "one hour in your home alone!" Amazing how we all seem to find that the biggest treat!

Hang in there all! The only thing I do concentrate now on is that I expect that I will have them, but I do try to keep them away from Bruce. I have a wonderful room (our old master bedroom) totally away from the main house that I use for this, can recenter and then return to daily life somewhat relieved and with a solid, reasonable plan to remedy the issues. And if that means not picking up the telephone, I don't. Debbie