May 17, 2012

It’s time for me to stop procrastinating and start this blog; it’s been too long. I finished my out-patient PT a couple weeks ago and now am working out with the trainer Jerry I worked with for so long. I see her 2x/week and usually need the day after to recuperate and do things like paperwork and other fun stuff! Usually I have a doctor appt of some sort once a week too. So it doesn’t sound like much but with chronic fatigue, it’s a lot. People are always asking me to join a club, go out for lunch or ?? Most don’t understand what real fatigue if. Besides my primary care I have a neurologist, pulmonologist, rheumatologist, once in a while a therapist and next week have to see a podiatrist. Before my stroke I only saw one specialist. I realize that surviving a stroke is more than most people could handle and some days I wish God hadn’t picked me, especially after my one and only moved to the heavenly mansion in the sky. Jerry knows I want to be with him but God is in charge.

At least I have come through some big-time acceptance issues.

I recently came to the realization that after Jerry passed away last October there is so much more I am now responsible for. There has been so much paperwork and it just keeps coming. First it was papers relating to his death, selling a car, then recently I started getting bills from the healthcare company which hadn’t been processed and I ended up owing a lot more than I thought I would. They were not very good about explaining things to me when I was shock-laden with grief and still in pain and in the brace from the last fall. I’ve have found over $1,700 of error on their part but it took me hours to go through weeks of bills from the caregivers. My long-term care insurance (again, I say thank you God) is doing their job and I don’t have any overage now. I have a caregiver 7 days a week, 8 hours a day and I am SO grateful and blessed.

I’m glad I didn’t know everything right away. As a disabled widow I am now head of household (I am thankful to have one) but that means, contacting our landscaper, the pool guy, getting the car serviced, calling a handyman for little things. I had a pest control man come out for a one time spray (Jerry used to do it) after my caregiver found a scorpion in my office. We haven’t had hardly any rain but it’s been real windy. The roof isn’t leaking thank goodness but now I have to pay to have the screened porch cleaned. Just last month I finally got all the legal work done. Wow, it was supposed to be so simple and I had to pay more than Jerry or I ever dreamed it would be because of the way we set things up. But that’s a onetime deal and I didn’t have to pay any death taxes. I was surprised that you cannot write funeral costs off your income taxes..Not fair. They get you when you are alive; you would think you might get a break when you die!

I am getting stronger but have a way to go. The neuropathy in my feet has come back. I tried gabapentin but it made me so sleepy I couldn’t do anything. So now I take one gabapentin about 7:00 at night and it allows me to sleep better and it wears off in the morning. I also have started to soak my feet in vinegar water which was suggested by one of my caregivers. I’ll try anything. I slowly figured out I was reading in my spare time and playing computer games as an escape to face my grief. I’ve basically isolated, watch movies at home, etc. which my therapist says is just fine as long as I don’t mind it which I don’t. It takes so much energy to get ready and get to wherever and I don’t care about going out to eat. Been there, done that !! I certainly don’t like going shopping anymore. I have my favorite internet sites for buying anything I need or want to gift. I can’t walk far with my cane or walk far with my walker.

I read spiritual books and readings and meditations daily. Starting on a good foot helps me and strengthens my attitude and frame of mind. I refuse to get on a pity-pot. I only cry on occasion now and at sometimes “strange” times – that is what grieving for me is all about. I have pictures of Jerry in every room and I talk to him and look at he and me together and just him with smiles galore. Boy, we had some wonderful times and I am fortunate to have had Jerry for 27 great years. Well, I best end this – it’s too long already. I’ll try to post more frequent so there will be some short ones on occasion and some better news from time to time. Hugs to all, Leah