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My bestfriend/ mom has passed, now what?



Needing advise from someone who has some insight in how to deal with the loss of my mom. She had her second stroke on Sunday, July 15th which took the entire right side of her brain. I stayed by her side for 9 days until she passed. The nights were so bad as she was in pain, ran high fevers and even seizures but I didn't want her to be alone. I've been with her almost daily for the last 3 years and now I just don't know what to do. Tonight is the first night that we haven't had a bunch of company and my family has finally returned to their own homes so it's just my husband and myself. It's so hard she was my bestfriend and the greatest mom anyone could ever have and now I feel I have nothing. I know this was best for her as she lost all functions with this stroke but I'm not sure how to cope. My whole world has been turned upside down. Please help!


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Your world is upside down right now............ i lost my beatiful mom to a stroke shortley after a car accident she had while running my errands because my husband had stroked a month earlier and i was with him and she had come to hold down my household -- had 14 yr old who needed her grandmother... my mom was also my best friend and the greatest person ever ... the best grandmother and mother if or any kid needed her she was there....But a little more than a year ago she seized to be... except she is here- in lessons we have learned and pass on,in kindness we do others, in honoring her memory by being the strong person you are.. you are broken right now and that is OK- it will get better in time.. i take a lot of comfort in knowing her death was not long and drawn out... she never had to experience alzheimers or dementia .. these were her greatest fears as she had been a CNA for 40 years. and she worried a lot about that...so her bypassing that part of her life was a gift ( to her) ---- i have always said and i do mean it - i would not trade more time with mom. her death was a gift - maybe, in my opinion, premature at age 76 but i think she felt she had accomplished the most important job in the whole world raising good , kind, compassionate kids who are passing on that legacy to their children.. I cant fix it for you-- that pain has to be worked through but maybe a little piece of what i said will be of some small comfort to you.. you have done a wonderful job as a daughter and a friend caretaking and even at the end you had difficulties watching mom - but you stayed, you guided her in the end , that is strength-- i bet i know where you got the strength to undergo such a trying time- your mom- we are here, please talk with us if you need it... nancyl

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I have not lost my mom as of yet but I have lost close family and friends. Those that can never be replaced and even years afterward it brings a tear to my eye and a pain in my heart when I think about them. We cannot bring them back but we can remember them and the good times we shared with them. My brother passed last July and just this weekend we had a memorial for him as they set his new headstone. We cried for the loss and laughed from the memories we shared of him. This is how it will be for you but life does go on. She may have suffered for a week but thank goodness she didn't suffer any longer than that. She would not want you to sit around and mope for her. She wants you to move on and enjoy life. You say you are married, then take the time you use to use taking care of your mother and use it to enjoy your life with your husband! This is what she would want! I am not saying this will happen in the next day or two but your hurt will grow less prominent as time goes by I assure you. Have a Blessed Day and I will keep you in my prayers!

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Kelly, you looked after your Mom for years so it will take a lot of time to adjust to her no longer being here. As you are grieving for your Mom and the life you had together both prior to the stroke and post-stroke you will go through all the stages of grief. I know we caregivers all think we have pre-grieved as we go on the stroke journey but there is still a lot of adjusting to do and a lot of sadness goes with that.


But your household will gradually get back to some kind of "new normal" and life will eventually be worthwhile again. But life after losing a loved one, like any other change it will have hiccups. If you suddenly notice you are not sleeping, feel unwell, have bursts of anger or what you feel is too many episodes of crying do make a call on your doctor.


My condolences to you and your family for the loss of someone you loved so much.


(((hugs))) from Sue.

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kelly, you were a wonderful daughter to your mom. i know how hard you worked to keep her in her own home after her 1st stroke. it saddens me too, knowing she has passed, i felt like i knew her too from our many conversations you and i had. loosing a parent is so hard. i lost my dad last year to a stroke. my mom many years prior. she no longer suffers but she knew you were with her up to the very end. the pain and loss you feel gets easier with time. this might sound stupid, but i talk to my folks everyday because i know they are watching over me and can hear me. it gives me great comfort. my sincere sympathies to you and your family. i have you all in my prayers. kimmie

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You are suffering from more than one thing right now. The obvious is the painful loss of your beloved mother. The other is somewhat similar to the empty nest syndrome - hands that once worked with love and now are empty with nothing to do. The things they did all day before, are no longer needed. It will be hard to find a new normal for your days now. But realizing that the loss of her and the loss of how to spend your day are 2 things, may give a help in figuring out what to do about at least the 'do' part. Maybe, after awhile, when you are ready, you will be able to think of what your mother would like to see you enjoying/doing, and it will give you the ability to try to do it. The suffering part is something that will take longer, and never quite go away. ((((HUGS)))


I say this as an effort to help, while at the same time, if I lost my husband, I'd be consoless. I understand all your grief, and know it is heavy.

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Kelly wanted you to know -- we are still thinking about you... the profound sadness in your world is overwhelming.. I hope you are able to move on, out of the sadness- not today or next week- but one day and start to remember those wonderful mom and daughter memories.. i have mine with my mom - there are those that stick out and carry us through those dark moments.... just know you are being thought of - often-- nancyl

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Everyday is a struggle, I know it will get easier but until then.......? The bickering has already started with my sister and my niece wanting specific things of my moms and I just can't deal with it yet. I'm seeing the attorney today to become the Personal Representative and I know that when this happens and it all is said and done my family will be torn apart because of greed. They just can't see that all I want is my mom. Her punch bowl from Sweden and her jewelry don't matter, those are just things that I can live without but it's so hard to live without my mom. Why don't they understand this?

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Kelly, it is about closeness, you were very close to your Mom, they were less so. They need things to remind themselves that your Mom lived, you do not. Find a way of distuibuting her estate without rancour, in the future you will be glad you did. In the meantime go easy, healthy food, long sleeps, gentle in your mind. This too will pass.



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EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sue --- exactley!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you had mom they get THINGS thats it----- THINGS..........nancyl

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Kelly, such a painful and difficult time for you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am truly sorry for you loss. Debbie

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ok i have a story about a girlfriend ----- her family size was 16 kids-- her dad was a wimp and her mom very overbearing and all that... these kids lived in a decent home but had to share clothes and were always under the impression they were a poor family.. one day a couple of kids from school and her and a sibling or two were walking home from school and a snotty kid whos dad was an atty. said _ I don't believe your parents are millionairs ( this was in the late 70's).. the kids in this family were like -yah we know we are not- whats your problem... the kid said ( bear in mind dad is an atty in a ND rural town) my dad told us to be nice to you cause your parents are millionairs... well the kids started to realize that yes the family was indeed wealthy ( money they never seen or "felt") .. and now flash forward 20 yrs the kids grow up marry and disperse..... the dad dies leaves it all to mom - no trust-fund for any of the kids......left it all to the wife... the wife is still not a paticularily nice lady but had planned to leave money to each of the kids.... the lady dies she is in between wills so nobody really gets anything except like 20,000.00 each ... which is great right-?----------- when she died her estate was worth 6 million you know who got it ALL -- attorneys cause everyone hired one and by the time years and years worth of "fighting" was over there was NOTHING left... this story bears creadence to what Sue said earlier... this is a true story about a friend here in ND//// my own stroy---- we had nothing _ materially and fought over nothing.. but we were raised right and wouldnt have fought had there been something anyhow........... dans family - sadly will end similar to my girlfriends story-- the kids are looking for love in material things- not us we will go to the funeral and go home... this story is for all to read and see if it applies i learned a lot from sues wisdom and i thank her for it but kelly is the one struggleing right now with so, so much, and i am confident Kelly will hang on to her mom in her heart - thats where she belongs anyhow... nancyl

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Kelly, thank you for reaching out to us. It reinforces the point that we all need each other here. My 87 year old Mom stroked July 6, taking left side of her brain, and most functions. At an appropriate time, I would suggest to perhaps go to the library and get lost in your imagination with an absorbing classical novel.

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I just want each and everyone of you to know that even though my world and my family have been turned upside down and inside out I believe that this is my safe haven along with my church.


You don't throw any punches as to what to expect because someone has already been through everything I'm experiencing. No matter what I say you don't judge me on the way I'm feeling and that is something that I truly need right now.


I thank God everyday for each and everyone of you! I only hope that I don't become a bother because I feel I will be leaning on you more as my siblings throw more at me to deal with......Kelly

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Well the holidays are approaching and it's so hard...it will be 4 months without mom and my family is still trying to find the "new normal". Unsure what the holidays will bring.


Husband is being a jerk as he thinks I should be past the grief stage and I can't seem to get him to understand. The doctor and my pastor say this is normal to feel this way but it would be great to have something get a little easier. Even if it was just my husband to understand what I'm going through. He lost his father and they were very close but he really didn't show much emotion in front of me.


Just hoping to find some Peace and Comfort to get me through the Holidays. Is that so wrong?

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