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When it hits so close to home.


Pamwill

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I went to my second cousin’s funeral yesterday who passed from a heart attack I guess, not really sure, didn’t get all the details. I really didn’t want to go because not sure if I could handle that because the whole experience is so close to home.

 

So I’m having one of my shutdown days and stuck in my room. I don’t even want to talk to anybody about it because they will all think that I’m taking it too personal and it wasn’t me. And I really don’t have anybody that I can talk to anyway that understands so I’d rather talk to you all than my own family and friends. A shame is all I can say but it is what it is. And I now realize that this stroke thing really messes with my emotions because I wouldn’t have felt this way before.

 

Now is when I wish I could go for a drive and just get away for a moment but since I can’t walking is the next best thing. So I’m going to pick myself up and take a nice long walk to get it all out and hopefully that helps.

 

I’ll be glad when I’m not so needy anymore and get the old Pam back, maybe that’s why people back away.

 

Pam

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Pam: yes, go for the walk, clear your head, pray and try to find some comfort knowing that your cousin has found peace. Debbie

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Not having the stroke myself I cannot say from personal experience what it does to the mental state of a person but from my experience with living with Mike pre-stroke for a year and now 3monts post stroke I can tell you this: You have been close to death and therefore you know how fragile life is more than those who have not. Mike always had issues with talking about his feelings even his love for me. He had only told me once before the stroke that he loved me and that was at the end of a song during one of his preformances. Now he tells me all the time how much I mean to him and how much he loves me. He has even apologised for not saying it more than once before. It is a scary thought for him to know that he could have died that night as I am sure it is the same for you, so don't feel like you are being selfish when it comes to the feelings you get when someone close to you dies. We all think the same thing in the back of our minds it's just that some people won't admit it. Then you have those that think "that could never happen to me or you". Those are the ones that don't understand just how precious life is and noone is promised tommorrow.

So yes get out, go for a walk, clear your head and never let anyone make you think you are being selfish. They don't have a clue!

Sorry for your loss and I am sending (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) and prayers your way!

 

Cat

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Ray was the same about the death of loved ones, sometimes he identified and then it was too overwhelming for him and I went to the funeral alone. It is harder when you have had a bad experience like a stroke or heart attack yourself to get negative life events into some sort of perspective.

 

I too in your position would have had a rest day and tried to get my head around it.

 

(((hugs))) from Sue.

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I've always over identified with tragedies. I remember when a friend of mine had her husband drop dead on her suddenly. I was so horrified, thinking how I'd feel if it had happened to me. I practically had a nervous breakdown, but she didn't! I barely knew him, but was very close to her. My mom even asked me if I was having an affair with him, because of my despair I felt for what had happened to them, and how I would feel if it had happened to us. On the other hand... my mom is a sociapath who never had a real feeling for anyone... so it's hard for me to judge what normal really is.

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Pam, I am so sorry to hear about your cousin. I hope the walk helped and that you are feeling better today. One of the good things about this network is that there is always people who listen and care and can identify with how you are feeling and what you are going thru. I hope it gives you some comfort to know we all care and are thinking of you.

 

Dena

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Hi Pam,

 

sorry for your loss. It’s only natural for us to fear death. Our body and mind constantly reminds us that things are different, and life can be short. i have such a hard time talking to others about death because they get so uncomfortable.

 

Let me just say, i can tell you have very healthy coping skills and not everyone is that lucky. you actually did something healthy for your body, heart, and mind by walking. I have not had a recent loss but i constantly think "at least now i know I’m going to die from a stroke" even though many other things can happen to me. for me these distorted thoughts are about fear of the unknown, shame of being weak, and much more i haven’t realized yet. i think our first step will be recognizing or labeling our emotions and cooping in healthy ways. We will get there one day at a time. keep your head up and thanks for sharing.

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Dear Pam, sorry for your loss. Losing some one is very hard, and been what we have been through, we realize life is short, you did right go for a walk , and Pam cry if you feel the need, I do. Before my stroke I hide my emontions not now, a doctor told me to let things go, it helps your blood pressure,and your whole well being. What also helps is this site you can type what you are feeling and say what you really want and need to say. Have patience with your ,family and friends, they dont know what to say or do, so they stay silent, lots of people do not know what a stroke does to your body or mind. God bless , take it one day at a time, and god needed a angel..

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Thanks everybody, I really appreciate the kind words of encouragement. As always I get more sympathy from you all, my new extended family. And yes the walk and blogging on the network really helped me get it all out and I feel so much better today. I was listening to a spiritual message last night and it said when you wake up talk to God first thing in the morning before you do anything else, keep your mind focused on him, meditate on some scriptures, and you will be amazed at the renewed feeling that will come over you. And sure enough it did. I felt at peace and fully rested, and nothing or no one irritated or upset me today, which is rare these days with my emotions all over the place.

 

I had a good day at work, accomplished what I needed and when I looked up it was time to go and I wasn’t even tired or drained like I normally am. Plus I needed to take of getting my medical records in order that I avoided for quite some time and actually got what I needed from these doctor’s offices that can’t seem to do their jobs. LOL

 

It’s interesting now because I really don’t miss the attention from my friends like I used to, the folks here on strokenet have done a wonderful job of filling in for my loss. And my normal pattern of dealing with stress and loss is keeping to myself anyway, exercising, and getting closer to God because he is the only one who can get me through this and anything else that comes my way, and he has so many times before that’s for sure. I still have my moments of the woe is me syndrome but for the most part I do pretty good with coping to life’s stressful events.

 

Pam

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Jessie,

I too have had thoughts about passing away from another stroke or that I’m just not going to live a long life. But I’m doing my best not to continue thought patterns like that. I’m not claiming it and won’t speak it anymore but I definitely know where you are coming from with those thoughts. I haven’t said it to anybody because I too am ashamed for thinking such things and everybody will think I’m going to the extreme so just kept it to myself. But here I feel free to really express myself without feeling guilty or ashamed because it’s the truth and I need to own up to it so I can move on.

 

So now I push them out and replace them with thoughts like I want to see my son’s children and spoil them like my parents did. So just keep pushing those thoughts out when they come and find something in life that you look forward to and replace it with those happier thoughts.

 

Pam

 

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