So today I decide to start the day following people advice. I started with talking to my 9 year old again about everything that is going on with me. This woke me up to the fact that my little man gets really emotional over it and really worries. SO we watched the video so that way he knew the warning signs and reviewed what he needed to do. I realized to he needed someone to talk to other then Dad and I. SO I asked him about it. He said he did not want to talk to anyone around here cause they all gossip and nothing you say to anyone including doctors and phyics. stay in their office. He said he wished there was a group like I found.

Then I decided to listen and start a jurnal of my aches and pains keeping note of what I am feeling physically and mentally. Even though I hate it and feeling that it is a sign of me being weak. But it helped me to see that I really do hide alot when I should be telling it just today alone it was four pages long of different "epsiodes" as I call it. from crying to thinking I am doing something when I am not. 9 I thinking I am going nuts).

Then there was the text from two of my oldest and best friends that are several states away. Wishing they were closer because I know if they were I would not be trapped in the house and feeling like I am in a box.

Then there is Rose she is a fellow consultant, after I was told I could not work now more I refused to listen and decided I would not let it all rest on my husband so I tried to find a home business I knew I could do. However now I see even that is harder when you can't drive to do shows or fubble with your speech. But she tells me I am her drive because she says she sees me doing it with all my challenges that I face daily and says there is no reason she can't do her business and when she hears other consultants getting negative she tells them look if she can do it you can to and she can't leave her house for the most part and has only her husbands support. I don't bring in but a few dollars not enough to write home about but it something to do. This month I wanted to quit throw in the towel after just a few months but of course between Rose and the husband I don't think it will happen. I guess one show a month is better then nothing. One penny earned is better then none.

Sometime I wake up just hoping that this is all just a bad dream and that I get to jump on my motorcycle and head into work. People Laugh when I tell them I really miss work. I done security and worked correction for many years and finally a year ago started working the Juvenile side of it and just love it. To be able to hopefully make a change in a young persons views and change the path they are headed makes it all worth it some take that opportunity others don't. I know going back to work for me is not safe but that is where i want to be. I even put in to mentor once a week which I am approved to do once my husband says I can and the juvenile that was chosen decides he is going to act better. Cause the deal is it wont happen as long as there are behaviors cause safety is first.

I guess my babbling is done thanks for letting me air a bit I don't get to often.