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I am trying new things!


Grannyjudymac72

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It's been a while since I have blogged, and not because I haven't wanted to, but mostly because I have been too tired. I think the past three months finally caught up with me this past couple of weeks. I am usually not tired more than maybe a day here or a day there, but this past week I have been exhausted more than usual. I believe it's a combination of being a caregiver and doing much more than I have been used to and also not eating the right foods. It's funny because I make sure Ray gets the most nutritious, fatigue fighting, energy building foods there are! And he is slowing regaining his appetite and a little more energy. He no longer spends half the day sleeping on the couch. Even he has mentioned that he feels better. That is a biggie!

 

What's new is I finally realized that I was doing "everything" for Ray and not only tiring myself out, but not allowing him to grow in his strength and capabilities to learn how to do for himself. For the past two days I have allowed him to walk across the room to a different chair or to the couch. I have watched from a distance as he walked alone to the bathroom. I leave the room when he tries to dress himself, as its so hard not to help him. It has taken about three weeks, but he can put his shirt on pretty good and his pants are coming along. He got used to me doing most everything for him and after my right hand got to where even moving it was so painful, I realized I put all of my strength into him, and he needs to put his in. The therapists have shown him how to get up from a lying position using his elbow. He said I can't do it. So once my hand and back hurt so much I told him he had to try harder, because it hurt me to pull him up. So guess what?? He is getting up on his own now. It's a slow process but he can do it. So my new thing is letting go! That is soooooo hard for me. To let him relearn how to take care of himself. Even little things like getting ready for bed. I was putting his toothpaste on his toothbrush, pouring mouth wash into the cup. Putting his dentures into a cup and plopping in the denture cleaner. And now I sit on the edge of the bed while he does all of those himself. Gee, guess what, he does it weird, but he does it! So now I let him walk to the bed once he is finished and the one thing I do is put on the night catheter. He can't do that, but thats fairly easy. I tuck him in, said good night and go out to the living room to have "my quiet space" to watch the programs I record. I turn on the baby monitor and relax. It's the only me time I have.

 

So not only stroke survivors have to rewire their brain, but caregivers do as well. I am learning the more I do for him, the less he will learn to redo himself! Gosh lightbulb moment :)

So this is my contribution to the bloggers corner. My usually cheerful, I can do anything attitude is a little bit more on the "I am really tired here" and I think I am grumpy and need a break and some rest. I will find it somewhere. So hugs to all of you out there that are just here every day and who know how we feel and love us unconditionally. Guess what? I love you back!!!

Hugs, Judy

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Judy it took me a year or so to get to where you are now.  I was so protective of Ray and knew I could do everything better and faster and so I did!  Eventually, when he broke his hip the therapists said he had to do it all himself.  It was painful to watch him getting dressed and it could take up to 45 minutes but he did it.  With time he got quicker too.  Unfortunately we went through this process stroke after stroke but I never thought I should do it all again.

 

Ray went to bed early and that was my quiet space too.  See if you can get a family member to sit with him for a few hours so you get out alone sometimes, you really need those breaks.  I remember having to take Ray everywhere even into the ladies hairdressers when I had no help and how difficult that was.  Hope you get a break soon.

 

(((hugs))) from Sue..

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Judy: good news and like Sue, I hope you can find some time for you. I remember paying a caregiver in those early months so I could sleep an hour or two.

 

Bruce is also early to bed and I have learned, like you, to let things go and do something for myself. It may be coming on here, reading, taking a shower. Tonight I did my nails while watching a ball game.

 

I need to do less for Bruce and now that I am home, there really is no reason not to. The morning and evening wash ups are the toughest because I really look to that as our intimate time. All of us spouses miss that and somehow I need that time alone with him - no TV, no phone.

 

Good for you and Ray. It is so hard to let go and watch them struggle, but has to be done. Good to hear from you. Debbie

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sometimes the simplest things can be truly enlightening.  after reading what you had written I thought that from ray's point of view he is now doing things he had never done and would be surprised if he did not feel some accomplishment at doing them.  it looks like it is working for everyone!

 

tc,

david

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Judy :

 

I am so happy for you both. As a survivor I feel it is disservice to every one involve in this stroke recovery if you do everything for them. My strict instruction to hubby when he would just want to wrap me in cottonball so that I would never get hurt again was don't help me unless I ask for help. Yes initially it took me longer time to get job accomplished, but guess what I accomplished the job & it was one less thing for him to worry about. & positive thing for survivor is when they do more for themselves better they get & also feel better about surviving & feel contributing member of family. Once Ray is able to take care of give him household chores to do too like laundry, bill paying. Anything he can do will be one less item on your to do list & will help him feel worthwhile too

 

Asha

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Judy, the fatigue and stress does catch up with you.  You realize you are doing double or triple duty when you are responsible for the things your hubby use to do as well.  That is why it is important to the caregiver to encourage their surviving loved one to try to "do for themselves" as much as they can, while being safe also.  I can remember walking away also when Larry said "I can't do it".  Then after coming back a few minutes later, he did it. lol  It is hard, but we are told by the OT's and those on this board that if we do it for them every time, they will never learn.  I still have to say "no, you try" when Larry asks me to help him.  Don't forget to take care of yourself, treat yourself,  and rest when you get a chance.  

 

It sounds like your spouse is making good progress.  Best wishes for his continued recovery.

 

Julie 

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Thank you everyone for your encouragement.  We had a little incident this morning.  Raymond fell while attempting to go to the bathroom himself.  I had gotten sick early this morning and had thrown up and had a bad stomach, so I had shut the bathroom door while I had the fan on.  We had gotten him to the couch and he told me to go lie back down, which I did. But then when he got up to go to the bathroom, he had to open the door which is usually always open. He let go of his cane and lost his balance and down he went.  He hit his head on a door jam but we got him up okay.  We both learned a lesson through this.  Things must always be the same for him in the house while he is working towards safely moving about on his own.  I have to watch out for circumstances that would lead him to let go of his cane, and I will pay more attention to those things. I also told him that we learned he has to pay attention when something is different. Since this was only day three of him walking about by himself a little. I believe what happened, is during his urgency (which he has had problems with lately) he was in a hurry and was not thinking about safety as much as getting there quickly.  This is a never ending learning process. One of my biggest fears has been him falling again. He fell on the cement floor in his shop once and from that fall I got overly protective of his walking. I was just starting to relax as he was getting better balance. I have to try and not let me go back to overly holding him back. We just have to watch out for problems.  Again, thank you for your encouragement.  Another day, another lesson!

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Judy so sorry for the fall.  In the past when Larry fell, I took him back to the physical therapist for more therapy.  Larry as not fallen for quite a while but in the past his left weak leg would give out on him.  The PT can work on his balance and strength.  I didn't know if he was still in therapy but I know it helped Larry to improve.  It is scarey.  As you stated, he had just started walking so improvement will come.

 

Julie

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Judy, sorry for Ray fell. Please that he I okay.  Step by step, he will get better and so will you at letting go.

 

Hugs to both of you

 

Yvonne

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